I will start to write a different blog. One about all the new things going on in my life. Kids. Work. Relationships. Music. Me.
I'm feeling like this one has fulfilled it's duty and purpose.
Facts
It's almost over and I am looking forward to being divorced.
Not much to say about the YOW anymore. I feel like I have exhausted this subject. It seems timely that it is ending. So much wisdom in the Baha'i laws.
And I can take it or leave it in terms of a relationship. That is a refreshing place to be.
Facts.
I am still affected intensely by interactions with Boy.
I recover about 20 hours after seeing him.
I hold no attachment to a relationship outcome with him.
I can see possibilities of successful relationships with other(s) too.
I have come to deeper understandings of marriage and couple hood.
I am stronger and more confident.
My relationships with the community have deepened.
I have learned about myself.
It would be easier to parent with a partner.
If my husband were willing, I would be willing to work on this.
My husband is not willing, I have asked.
Praise be to God for getting me through this year.
xoxo
Not much to say about the YOW anymore. I feel like I have exhausted this subject. It seems timely that it is ending. So much wisdom in the Baha'i laws.
And I can take it or leave it in terms of a relationship. That is a refreshing place to be.
Facts.
I am still affected intensely by interactions with Boy.
I recover about 20 hours after seeing him.
I hold no attachment to a relationship outcome with him.
I can see possibilities of successful relationships with other(s) too.
I have come to deeper understandings of marriage and couple hood.
I am stronger and more confident.
My relationships with the community have deepened.
I have learned about myself.
It would be easier to parent with a partner.
If my husband were willing, I would be willing to work on this.
My husband is not willing, I have asked.
Praise be to God for getting me through this year.
xoxo
Success
The more one struggles with something to more one learns about it.
Success is not measured in outcomes, but in effort put into growth. The challenge in life is to appreciate the dynamics of crisis and victory.
I had a successful marriage. I committed to it, grew in it, struggled with it. I learned. And I am learning to appreciate the dynamics of it.
Success is not measured in outcomes, but in effort put into growth. The challenge in life is to appreciate the dynamics of crisis and victory.
I had a successful marriage. I committed to it, grew in it, struggled with it. I learned. And I am learning to appreciate the dynamics of it.
journey
My YOW is almost over. In the beginning of the year all I could do was think of this moment, of when the year would finally be over. I expected that I would feel peaceful. I was trying to escape from the feeling of panic that I had in the beginning of the year.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.
"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron
How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.
That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.
As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.
O what a journey it has been.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.
"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron
How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.
That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.
As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.
O what a journey it has been.
How?
The Year is almost over. I have about one more month left from when it officially started. Then we are going to court a week or so after that to get the final divorce handled, including: debt, custody, travel etc.
The tests I am dealing with are no longer YOW related, they are more single parent, young children, living alone, Teaching the Faith, cleaning the house, motivating myself, organizing myself. They are new things, no longer old things.
It feels like I have a new reality. It feels like I should maybe start a different blog? Ha.
The question that I started with, how to get through a YOW - this still needs to be answered.
What would I say to myself back in the fall of last year?
That'll be my last entry I guess.
The tests I am dealing with are no longer YOW related, they are more single parent, young children, living alone, Teaching the Faith, cleaning the house, motivating myself, organizing myself. They are new things, no longer old things.
It feels like I have a new reality. It feels like I should maybe start a different blog? Ha.
The question that I started with, how to get through a YOW - this still needs to be answered.
What would I say to myself back in the fall of last year?
That'll be my last entry I guess.
Exploring attraction
I've been thinking about attractions recently. There is this guy who is cute and playful and likes me ... and well, hey, it's fun to flirt a little with him. Flirting is fun, only as long as it doesn't get too serious.
However, attraction can be potentially dangerous. For instance, I would avoid being in intimate situations with this guy, or one on one with him in private. And as far the he goes, a relationship would never work between us. There would be too much that he would have to change or learn or grow in, in order for me to consider marrying him. However, we can certainly be friends, and love one another that way, as friends. But were it not for attraction we wouldn't be becoming friends. It seems like attraction is a fine line to walk.
There is this other guy who I sometimes play music with and he's a total cutie too, very charming and flirty. But not with me. In fact, I have never picked up that sort of vibe from him, and the relationship is different between us, sort of more laid back.
And then there is the guy who I've been fixated on all year. There was definitely attraction between us in the beginning of this year. And it freaked me out. So I pushed it and him far away in the hopes of getting it out of my life. And it didn't work. The only thing that worked was processing it and learning to deal with it, work with it, detach from it.
The thing with that situation is that I've never been in that dynamic before. I've never liked a guy and not been able to get a clear read of whether he liked me because he's aware of YOW stipulations and even if he did like me wouldn't allow himself to be aware of it, so I just pushed the whole thing away, perhaps in the hopes of having some drama there.
There was an older man I was thinking of today as a possible potential, and I was wondering if I could ever be with an older man. He's mature, intelligent, dynamic, thoughtful ... and married. For me, that's an easy boundary to respect. However, I definitely sensed a potential for a vibe from him too.
I'm youthful, attractive, fun - I am attractive to a lot of people, and men.
The thing with this other guy, the guy who likes me, is that it's a totally familiar dynamic. I am used to guys liking me and me keeping a boundary there. So I know that I can become friends with him - it's a familiar script.
I guess the thing with the year long obsession guy is that I figured he couldn't possibly be interested in me that way, due to his knowing the YOW rules and being so obedient as he is. So I couldn't play my standard role, of keeping the guy at a comfortable flirtation level of distance, as he was not pursuing. Except that he was. And I was.
I feel lonely sometimes. I read in some book about how a girl ought to have different guys, like different outfits, for different moods and occasions. So, I feel like I have that now - I have a guy to do things with, a guy to play music with, guys to play games with - and I am building my guy wardrobe, keeping with the analogy ;)
But who is the guy that I can go on adventures with, laugh with, snuggle next to, trust with my kids, plan finances with, who will cheer me up after a long day, who will respect me, take responsibility for his own growth, who will hold me when I just want to cry, with whom I can create the love, unity and respect that I know a family bond ought to have? Who is the guy who will give me my independence and freedom and still be there when I need closeness, comfort and reassurance? Who is strong enough and mature enough, secure enough to offer me that? And then at the same time, maybe I don't need *all* that.
Maybe for now, all I need is to build my wardrobe and just explore male female friendships without it being heavy with the weight of a relationship. That sounds like a good plan and place to start.
I am starting to get closure with my marriage. I'll write more about that some other time. It's late. Good night.
However, attraction can be potentially dangerous. For instance, I would avoid being in intimate situations with this guy, or one on one with him in private. And as far the he goes, a relationship would never work between us. There would be too much that he would have to change or learn or grow in, in order for me to consider marrying him. However, we can certainly be friends, and love one another that way, as friends. But were it not for attraction we wouldn't be becoming friends. It seems like attraction is a fine line to walk.
There is this other guy who I sometimes play music with and he's a total cutie too, very charming and flirty. But not with me. In fact, I have never picked up that sort of vibe from him, and the relationship is different between us, sort of more laid back.
And then there is the guy who I've been fixated on all year. There was definitely attraction between us in the beginning of this year. And it freaked me out. So I pushed it and him far away in the hopes of getting it out of my life. And it didn't work. The only thing that worked was processing it and learning to deal with it, work with it, detach from it.
The thing with that situation is that I've never been in that dynamic before. I've never liked a guy and not been able to get a clear read of whether he liked me because he's aware of YOW stipulations and even if he did like me wouldn't allow himself to be aware of it, so I just pushed the whole thing away, perhaps in the hopes of having some drama there.
There was an older man I was thinking of today as a possible potential, and I was wondering if I could ever be with an older man. He's mature, intelligent, dynamic, thoughtful ... and married. For me, that's an easy boundary to respect. However, I definitely sensed a potential for a vibe from him too.
I'm youthful, attractive, fun - I am attractive to a lot of people, and men.
The thing with this other guy, the guy who likes me, is that it's a totally familiar dynamic. I am used to guys liking me and me keeping a boundary there. So I know that I can become friends with him - it's a familiar script.
I guess the thing with the year long obsession guy is that I figured he couldn't possibly be interested in me that way, due to his knowing the YOW rules and being so obedient as he is. So I couldn't play my standard role, of keeping the guy at a comfortable flirtation level of distance, as he was not pursuing. Except that he was. And I was.
I feel lonely sometimes. I read in some book about how a girl ought to have different guys, like different outfits, for different moods and occasions. So, I feel like I have that now - I have a guy to do things with, a guy to play music with, guys to play games with - and I am building my guy wardrobe, keeping with the analogy ;)
But who is the guy that I can go on adventures with, laugh with, snuggle next to, trust with my kids, plan finances with, who will cheer me up after a long day, who will respect me, take responsibility for his own growth, who will hold me when I just want to cry, with whom I can create the love, unity and respect that I know a family bond ought to have? Who is the guy who will give me my independence and freedom and still be there when I need closeness, comfort and reassurance? Who is strong enough and mature enough, secure enough to offer me that? And then at the same time, maybe I don't need *all* that.
Maybe for now, all I need is to build my wardrobe and just explore male female friendships without it being heavy with the weight of a relationship. That sounds like a good plan and place to start.
I am starting to get closure with my marriage. I'll write more about that some other time. It's late. Good night.
today
Had a great day today. A very musical day. Went to a devotional, played & sang, then I joined a friend at his gig and sang with him, then I went to another musician friend's and we workshopped some of my songs. :) Came home, played and sang. Lots of music today. Cool. I feel happy. Light. Liberated. Fun.
I saw Boy today. I was not expecting that. It was fine. I was even able to have a mini conversation and conform to social graces. The thing is that I find men attractive, men find me attractive - and that's great, I love guys, however, none of the guys I know would I consider to be husband material. Except for Boy. Oh well... not relevant now anyway.
Just wanted to say how great my day was. Praise be to God!
I saw Boy today. I was not expecting that. It was fine. I was even able to have a mini conversation and conform to social graces. The thing is that I find men attractive, men find me attractive - and that's great, I love guys, however, none of the guys I know would I consider to be husband material. Except for Boy. Oh well... not relevant now anyway.
Just wanted to say how great my day was. Praise be to God!
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