My marriage cramped my style. Is that what marriage does? It was so confining, so restrictive. I know that in theory marriage is not like that. I am a strong willed person with a large variety of interests. I am also intelligent, capable and interesting (and I am not bad looking either) - these qualities make me quite attractive to men, however, I have yet to meet a man who is intelligent, capable and strong enough in himself to be able to be in a relationship with me and not cramp my style. A man who doesn't mind being challenged, and who can handle digging into himself in order to be a strong support of a relationship.
As it happens, right now, I am into me. I am into doing all the things that I want to do. And I don't want to do anything for a relationship simply because I *have to*, or because I made a commitment and before God saying I would. I don't resent the years I spent in my marriage, but I also don't have any desire for an encore performance.
I am enjoying being single and observing myself, the things I like to do, my passions, my moods, taking care of myself, learning about how I respond to men, how they respond to me - and at the same time, not interested in a "big-R-relationship".
It is such a relief to clearly say, in words and in my actions, I like being alone. I'm happy just being me.
Butch & The Kid
Just watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I really liked this movie! I liked the dialogue, the lines, the cinematography, the music, the humour. The thing that I liked most about it was the relationship between Butch and The Kid. The partnership that these two men have is the type of partnership that I think marriage should be. I checked out some reviews and analyses online about the relationship between the two of them, and was disappointed. I found that from the ones I saw, people won't really talk about the relationship between the two of them, even though it is readily agreed by critics that this is one of the main reasons for this movie's appeal. And the reason people won't really explore the relationship is because it's between two men. Oh no! Therefore it must be homoerotic or whatever. Why can't it just be a spiritual relationship? Why do people need to read into it? We are to be developing spiritual bonds of love, and these two men portray an excellent camaraderie and equal partnership. Butch and Sundance, are equals. Men and women are equals. In past times and still today, women, due to being women can't do certain things, because men can't keep it in their pants, for the most part. I have found that the more a man can be respectful and keep his thoughts pure, the more of a loving connection and spiritual relationship can develop between a man and a woman.
This banter, support, understanding, acceptance, love, got your backness and stick by youness (and action!!) of their relationship is what I want in my marriage. I want someone with whom, as they say in Polish, "you can steal horses". In film/ visual media, we often see these relationships between men. We rarely see them between women, because in general, women exist in films in order to develop the male character or to support other women, women generally don't *do* things in film. (This sucks. It is not true to life or true to women's capacity, and ends up selling young men and women on a limited idea of reality, configured to gender; but that is an aside.) And we certainly don't see this relationship existing between a man and a woman, except perhaps in children's films.... but that is another aside that I need to think about more.
Anyway, as far as relationship role models go from film, Butch & Sundance provide an excellent spiritual partnership - and we can see this only if we see their interaction as that of two souls, rather than two men.
Oh, and favourite quote? During the card game... "what's your secret" (pause) "prayer". LMAO
This banter, support, understanding, acceptance, love, got your backness and stick by youness (and action!!) of their relationship is what I want in my marriage. I want someone with whom, as they say in Polish, "you can steal horses". In film/ visual media, we often see these relationships between men. We rarely see them between women, because in general, women exist in films in order to develop the male character or to support other women, women generally don't *do* things in film. (This sucks. It is not true to life or true to women's capacity, and ends up selling young men and women on a limited idea of reality, configured to gender; but that is an aside.) And we certainly don't see this relationship existing between a man and a woman, except perhaps in children's films.... but that is another aside that I need to think about more.
Anyway, as far as relationship role models go from film, Butch & Sundance provide an excellent spiritual partnership - and we can see this only if we see their interaction as that of two souls, rather than two men.
Oh, and favourite quote? During the card game... "what's your secret" (pause) "prayer". LMAO
Lame Guys & Fair Judgements
Why are guys so lame?
There is such a difference between what a woman would do in a situation and what a man does. Really? I mean, really?!
There is no answer to this question, ask me again when I am 90 and I hope I will have an answer for you.
There are all these funny little witticisms about men being inept, like the one about men being like a bottle of wine and needing 30 years before it turns into something you want to have dinner with. But really? Are these saying true? Are men really so hopeless?
If so, what is the point of a relationship? It's easier to be single and not have to deal with some fool who just ends up being someone else that you need to take care of, an added burden.
And then, I see some men, the ones that would be equivalent to the good aged wines, who are actually fine specimens of male. They have grown up. Somewhere along the line there was a woman who had to work and forgive and understand and accept in order for that guy to evolve into a man. Right?
If that is the trade-off, I don't want to do that. I expect more out of a partner.
And do guys know how lame they are? Then how come they don't change?
Part of it, I am sure, is that women don't expect more out of them. In general women have such low standards and will accept all sorts of disrespectful behaviour from guys, so they don't grow, why should they? It takes a special evolved soul to grow without the promise of reward or the threat of punishment, solely from the love of growth and God.
So really, the question must be asked: why are girls so lame?
Spiritual education. Spiritual weakness. Spiritual growth.
Our whole society is affected by this malady and it creates lame guys (and gals). But I'm just concerned with the lame guy aspect, as it affects me.
Oh well, nothing to be done about it. Just teach the Faith, set your gaze on the Supreme Horizon and I am sure that if Baha'u'llah wants guys to grow up, He can make it happen. All in the fullness of time, my dears.
The other thing to note here is that we all screw up, women too, myself included obviously. I guess one difference is that I understand women and their struggles and tests, being one myself. I don't understand men or the tests and struggles and challenges that they experience. So I really cannot judge at all their response to their tests.
I guess, and this is just coming up now as I type, that one way of telling how a man measures up is to compare him to other men in the same situation and see how he fares, what choices he makes. That seems like a fair yardstick. Baha'u'llah tells us to be fair in our judgement. So I guess the standard comparison of one's own experiences and responses doesn't really hold well for men, at least not in emotional or relationship contexts. (Likely in business it's fair).
That kind of makes it more difficult to figure out from where a guy is coming. Brothers, fathers, husbands of good friends - that's the time to ask them.
There is such a difference between what a woman would do in a situation and what a man does. Really? I mean, really?!
There is no answer to this question, ask me again when I am 90 and I hope I will have an answer for you.
There are all these funny little witticisms about men being inept, like the one about men being like a bottle of wine and needing 30 years before it turns into something you want to have dinner with. But really? Are these saying true? Are men really so hopeless?
If so, what is the point of a relationship? It's easier to be single and not have to deal with some fool who just ends up being someone else that you need to take care of, an added burden.
And then, I see some men, the ones that would be equivalent to the good aged wines, who are actually fine specimens of male. They have grown up. Somewhere along the line there was a woman who had to work and forgive and understand and accept in order for that guy to evolve into a man. Right?
If that is the trade-off, I don't want to do that. I expect more out of a partner.
And do guys know how lame they are? Then how come they don't change?
Part of it, I am sure, is that women don't expect more out of them. In general women have such low standards and will accept all sorts of disrespectful behaviour from guys, so they don't grow, why should they? It takes a special evolved soul to grow without the promise of reward or the threat of punishment, solely from the love of growth and God.
So really, the question must be asked: why are girls so lame?
Spiritual education. Spiritual weakness. Spiritual growth.
Our whole society is affected by this malady and it creates lame guys (and gals). But I'm just concerned with the lame guy aspect, as it affects me.
Oh well, nothing to be done about it. Just teach the Faith, set your gaze on the Supreme Horizon and I am sure that if Baha'u'llah wants guys to grow up, He can make it happen. All in the fullness of time, my dears.
The other thing to note here is that we all screw up, women too, myself included obviously. I guess one difference is that I understand women and their struggles and tests, being one myself. I don't understand men or the tests and struggles and challenges that they experience. So I really cannot judge at all their response to their tests.
I guess, and this is just coming up now as I type, that one way of telling how a man measures up is to compare him to other men in the same situation and see how he fares, what choices he makes. That seems like a fair yardstick. Baha'u'llah tells us to be fair in our judgement. So I guess the standard comparison of one's own experiences and responses doesn't really hold well for men, at least not in emotional or relationship contexts. (Likely in business it's fair).
That kind of makes it more difficult to figure out from where a guy is coming. Brothers, fathers, husbands of good friends - that's the time to ask them.
The Cup of the Law
I remember thinking that the YOW would end softly and just peter out... Looking back on the end of my YOW, that was not the case. It ended violently, just like it began. I was sharply thrust into a new world, no longer the soft, contemplative world of the YOW. And I was not expecting it.
The YOW may be likened to a powerful Entity, Who influences you for one year and stays with you. And when that Entity arrives or departs you *feel* it. At least that is what my experience was like.
I am sure that there are all sorts of different experiences of the YOW, just like there are all sorts of different marriages and souls. Each individual will experience the relationship between themselves, their marriage and the YOW Entity differently, because they are all different.
My hope for people who are within a YOW is that they manage to learn everything from their interaction with the Entity that they can. Looked at another way, that Entity may, and the acuteness of the year, may also be likened to one's interactions and relationship to the Laws of Baha'u'llah in general.
For me, I experienced first hand the awesome Power of the Law. The Power with which it began and the Power with which it withdrew it's influence.
I wonder if others experience it like this too? Those who remain steadfast at least.
For those who disregard its purpose and take it lightly, I just feel sorry for them that they won't taste the sweetness of obedience and gain the growth that comes from it. It's too bad, but it's their choice.
It is an opportunity to deepen ones relationship with God. An intimate time of communion with the Creator, through obedience to the Laws.
Bahá'u'lláh says: "In all these journeys the traveler must stray not the breadth of a hair from the 'Law', for this is indeed the secret of the 'Path' and the fruit of the Tree of 'truth', and in all these stages he must cling to the robe of obedience to the commandments, and hold fast to the cord of shunning all forbidden things, that he may be nourished from the cup of the Law and informed of the mysteries of truth."
I offer this quotation to all those Loved Ones of God who are in a YOW, in the hopes that they may turn their hearts towards God and direct their feet along His straight path, that their minds may be illumined of the mysteries behind the mystic veil and their souls rejoice in the knowledge of Him.
The YOW may be likened to a powerful Entity, Who influences you for one year and stays with you. And when that Entity arrives or departs you *feel* it. At least that is what my experience was like.
I am sure that there are all sorts of different experiences of the YOW, just like there are all sorts of different marriages and souls. Each individual will experience the relationship between themselves, their marriage and the YOW Entity differently, because they are all different.
My hope for people who are within a YOW is that they manage to learn everything from their interaction with the Entity that they can. Looked at another way, that Entity may, and the acuteness of the year, may also be likened to one's interactions and relationship to the Laws of Baha'u'llah in general.
For me, I experienced first hand the awesome Power of the Law. The Power with which it began and the Power with which it withdrew it's influence.
I wonder if others experience it like this too? Those who remain steadfast at least.
For those who disregard its purpose and take it lightly, I just feel sorry for them that they won't taste the sweetness of obedience and gain the growth that comes from it. It's too bad, but it's their choice.
It is an opportunity to deepen ones relationship with God. An intimate time of communion with the Creator, through obedience to the Laws.
Bahá'u'lláh says: "In all these journeys the traveler must stray not the breadth of a hair from the 'Law', for this is indeed the secret of the 'Path' and the fruit of the Tree of 'truth', and in all these stages he must cling to the robe of obedience to the commandments, and hold fast to the cord of shunning all forbidden things, that he may be nourished from the cup of the Law and informed of the mysteries of truth."
I offer this quotation to all those Loved Ones of God who are in a YOW, in the hopes that they may turn their hearts towards God and direct their feet along His straight path, that their minds may be illumined of the mysteries behind the mystic veil and their souls rejoice in the knowledge of Him.
Blah.
Bored. Feeling blah. Things are peaceful in my life, but I feel like I need some stimulation. Are things too peaceful? There is a discontent brewing. It's only around today. Let's see how it develops.
A Year
"Things take a year."
"What things?"
"All things."
Look at the cycles of nature, the pregnancy and post-partum stage, a year of waiting.
It is a reminder that whatever you are fretting over and worrying about or working on, it will take a year for there to be any change or visible growth.
The growth is occurring of course throughout the year, but you cannot see the effect of it for about one year. A year is a magical time. It's also nice to watch the seasons go by and contemplate them while they are growing, that is part of worshiping God and knowing God, appreciating and loving all stages of the growth.
It yields peace.
"What things?"
"All things."
Look at the cycles of nature, the pregnancy and post-partum stage, a year of waiting.
It is a reminder that whatever you are fretting over and worrying about or working on, it will take a year for there to be any change or visible growth.
The growth is occurring of course throughout the year, but you cannot see the effect of it for about one year. A year is a magical time. It's also nice to watch the seasons go by and contemplate them while they are growing, that is part of worshiping God and knowing God, appreciating and loving all stages of the growth.
It yields peace.
Twinkle twinkle
I don't have my girls. They are at daycare. I miss them already. It is difficult to focus on the tasks ahead of me. It is difficult to tear myself away from just feeling glum and sorry for myself.
I am mad at my ex. Separation and divorce are absolutely stupid ideas. I am mad that I don't get to have the kids, the husband, the happy home, the support.
I just have to keep pluggin' away.
As Rumi says "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to" & "Mysteries are not meant to be solved".
I feel as if I am floating on a sea of emotion, being tossed one way and then as soon as I orient myself with my direction, I am tossed into another random previously unknown direction. I felt jealous today, about a friend of mine. It was unexpected to feel this related to him, and I realized that I care more than I should about something he did.
What is with male relationships being so compelling and so complicated at the same time?
I realize that the relationships that are around me are the ones that I depend on and that grow and that are supportive. The relationships which are not around, simply pass, they aren't vehicles for mutual growth. My children are examples of the first kind. Even though I am clearly the one supporting and nurturing them, it is also clearly an interdependent relationship. I don't rely on them, but their presence, their love, their joy, their need supports me. And spiritually, they are a strong source of support and I can rely on them in that realm. Praise be to God for my wonderful children and for this dynamic of unity in our single parent family.
It tough not being with them.
How does a partner (a husband) fit into this picture? I don't see what that might look like.
I am grateful that I am not in a disunited marriage. It is a most painful place to feel disunity. Marriage is the one relationships upon which all relationships in society are built. We sense it on an intuitive, gut level how important the maintenance of unity in that relationship is. And it is devastating when our efforts do not yield the desired outcome, the sought after goal.
I am an excellent mother. I am an excellent wife. A wife without a husband.
Rumi also says not to be to eager to give up your loneliness, for it is in this loneliness that we grow closer to God. That works for me. The heart was created for loving God. The only true loneliness is of the lover separated from her Beloved. And the Beloved is an eye twinkle away, at all times. Ya Baha'u'lla-Abha!
I am mad at my ex. Separation and divorce are absolutely stupid ideas. I am mad that I don't get to have the kids, the husband, the happy home, the support.
I just have to keep pluggin' away.
As Rumi says "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to" & "Mysteries are not meant to be solved".
I feel as if I am floating on a sea of emotion, being tossed one way and then as soon as I orient myself with my direction, I am tossed into another random previously unknown direction. I felt jealous today, about a friend of mine. It was unexpected to feel this related to him, and I realized that I care more than I should about something he did.
What is with male relationships being so compelling and so complicated at the same time?
I realize that the relationships that are around me are the ones that I depend on and that grow and that are supportive. The relationships which are not around, simply pass, they aren't vehicles for mutual growth. My children are examples of the first kind. Even though I am clearly the one supporting and nurturing them, it is also clearly an interdependent relationship. I don't rely on them, but their presence, their love, their joy, their need supports me. And spiritually, they are a strong source of support and I can rely on them in that realm. Praise be to God for my wonderful children and for this dynamic of unity in our single parent family.
It tough not being with them.
How does a partner (a husband) fit into this picture? I don't see what that might look like.
I am grateful that I am not in a disunited marriage. It is a most painful place to feel disunity. Marriage is the one relationships upon which all relationships in society are built. We sense it on an intuitive, gut level how important the maintenance of unity in that relationship is. And it is devastating when our efforts do not yield the desired outcome, the sought after goal.
I am an excellent mother. I am an excellent wife. A wife without a husband.
Rumi also says not to be to eager to give up your loneliness, for it is in this loneliness that we grow closer to God. That works for me. The heart was created for loving God. The only true loneliness is of the lover separated from her Beloved. And the Beloved is an eye twinkle away, at all times. Ya Baha'u'lla-Abha!
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