journey

My YOW is almost over. In the beginning of the year all I could do was think of this moment, of when the year would finally be over. I expected that I would feel peaceful. I was trying to escape from the feeling of panic that I had in the beginning of the year.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.

"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron

How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.

That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.

As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.

O what a journey it has been.