Partnership. I want a partner. I feel so lonely. I go out with my married couple friends and it is so sweet to see their interactions and their loving partnership and support of each other. It is a physical ache, I want a partner so badly.
This exact desire is what led me into so many bad relationships to begin with. I love the idea of being in couple and I fall in love easily. I see the wonderful positive attributes in almost anyone I meet and for a sweet smile I'll follow them home. Pursuing this longing is what led me into couple-hood repeatedly before the relationship with a new love was viable. And it is the same path which led me to my husband. I met him and became involved (this was before I found the Faith) and got married to him shortly after Declaring. But again, the relationship was not adequately explored prior to tying the knot.
Now, once again, I find myself longing for a partner. I was lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage. I prefer this reality to the one of six months, or one year ago. But the same patterns exist within me. The pattern of deeply wanting to be in a relationship. The one thing that I have learned, I hope, from this, is to be more cautious about getting into a union with someone. I won't be doing any married acts while unmarried again that's for sure. This only serves to complicate a relationship emotionally, mentally and spiritually, while granting passing, momentary and fleeting pleasure and comfort.
Having been used to going down this path as a means of dealing with the feelings of loneliness it's tempting for me to go down it again. Like a recovered (can you ever fully be recovered?) alcoholic wanting to take a drink again in times of stress.
This is the fantasy of being with someone again, having the delightful illusion of partnership. I find myself thinking about males I know, males who are not married, available men. I find myself developing crushes, fixations, infatuations. There are no actions attached to these thoughts, and the very action of choosing to not take actions further realizes for me my current state of non-partnership.
I don't understand why it should be so hard. I was unhappy in my marriage. I was unhappy in previous relationships. I have never had a true state of partnership. How is now any different?
The difference is that now I am not hiding from the Reality. It is our duty to accept reality. By following the Baha'i Laws I have been given the bounty of fully accepting and exploring my current reality.
Alcohol is the ultimate escape from reality. I used to drink. A lot. I used to be an alcoholic, I would say. Not that I ever defined myself as one. I was shortly before learning about the Faith that I decided to not drink. I continued to not drink out of love for and fear of Baha'u'llah.
The next escape of choice would be getting involved in a physical relationship. But as I said, I am committed to following the Law and not doing that.
The other choice, of course, is how to approach the thoughts and feelings. Do I go into the darkness of the emotions of loss and grief and loneliness, or do I choose rather, to keep my spirits high and keep these emotions at a bit of a distance. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. If I choose the former, it carries the promise of harder tests, more intense processing, deeper pain, but also a shorter time until new growth and new paths open up. The latter offers a softer path, longer time, less pain, a more pleasant journey. Ultimately, it will be the same mountain I am climbing, the first path is the more direct and steeper route, the second is the meandering, scenic route.
"But for the tribulations which are sustained in Thy path, how could Thy true lovers be recognized? ... The companions of all who adore Thee are the tears they shed, and the comforters of such as seek Thee are the groans they utter, and the food of them who haste to meet Thee is the fragments of their broken hearts."
Ahhhh, how beautiful. Tragic, romantic. The Valley of Pain.
But what does that really mean?
It takes two...
One thing I find myself looking back on a lot, and this is a good thing, I believe, is the course of the relationship. Were there clues along the way to indicate its current statet? Did I miss things? Would I do it differently now?
I find myself realizing that I didn't "fully investigate his character". I believed that we would both put in the same ardour into making our marriage work as I knew that I was prepared to do. And therein is my mistake. Trust in God, not in people. I ought to have checked out my facts of how we would approach problems before jumping into marriage with him. it was my responsibility to fully investigate reality.
I also realize 5 years later, that we are actually not really compatible. This is not to say that we cannot create a happy, fulfilling marriage, but that it will require much more work. These are concepts which I understood when we were getting hitched but perhaps on an abstract, intuitive level rather than a practical, experiential level.
Of course this is not to say that our marriage was doomed, it takes two. I did my part, to the best of my knowledge, did he do his? I don't know. Only God can judge.
I find myself realizing that I didn't "fully investigate his character". I believed that we would both put in the same ardour into making our marriage work as I knew that I was prepared to do. And therein is my mistake. Trust in God, not in people. I ought to have checked out my facts of how we would approach problems before jumping into marriage with him. it was my responsibility to fully investigate reality.
I also realize 5 years later, that we are actually not really compatible. This is not to say that we cannot create a happy, fulfilling marriage, but that it will require much more work. These are concepts which I understood when we were getting hitched but perhaps on an abstract, intuitive level rather than a practical, experiential level.
Of course this is not to say that our marriage was doomed, it takes two. I did my part, to the best of my knowledge, did he do his? I don't know. Only God can judge.
First quarter
I decided to write this blog as I typed into google, for a joke, "how to get through a year of patience". Not surprisingly, there was nothing in "wikihow". But it got me thinking, if I could benefit from reading about someone else's experiences ... then why not share mine, and it will give me some outlet and venue for the emotional and mental expression.
The YOP is tough. It's only been 3 months, I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of it. The most natural desire is to want to move onto another relationship. Of course, I recognize, firstly the requirements of the YOP, namely to work on reconciliation of the marriage, and I am all for that. My estranged husband, is not a Baha'i, and for the last 5 years I have been working on unity in this marriage. I read the Guidance on marriage which states that a Baha'i must make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a marriage to be dissolved. I really did make that effort, and anytime I felt like I wanted to throw in the towel, I thought, well, have I really made a superhuman effort?? Inevitably, the answer came, no, I can do more.
Eventually, a dear friend, counseled me, saying that there can be no unity without justice. She said that unity didn't mean being a doormat. I had been compromising too much of myself for the apparent harmony of the union and in effect remaining unhappy and not having any of my needs met in the marriage. I began to think more about respect and equality being manifested in my marriage. It was simple really, to just begin to think about clear boundaries and to state my expectations clearly. This, naturally, applied some pressure on my husband and on the marriage. I knew that he might leave, but, as my friend reflected, "if he leaves, he was never really there to begin with". This hit home. True, true.
I was, in reality, giving our marriage the best chance it had for success. By committing to the highest expression of the union, I challenged his commitment to it. He is a man of words, not deeds. "Beware", Baha'u'llah warns us, "lest ye walk in the ways of them whose words differ from their deeds." How often was I assured of his commitment to a shared goal only to experience him in reality acting against our joined decision? This contention, masked through passive-aggression, was deeply painful to experience again and again in the marriage. I didn't want to believe that someone could actually act this way, I wanted to believe that it was only because he didn't understand the effects of his action, that somehow I wasn't communicating to him clearly enough my experience and my emotional pain. Deeds are the measure of a man and in the end, his deeds spoke to his commitment to me, the children and the marriage.
What will happen in the next nine months remains to be seen. It is my sincerest wish that we could reconcile and create a true union which will endure throughout all the worlds of God, one where we are spiritual partners who improve each other's spiritual lives throughout eternity. Realistically, I see all the damage that has been done to our marital foundation, and know that it will take a miracle for this marriage to be saved. Lucky for me, I believe in miracles. I often call to my mind the words of 'Abdu'l-Baha: "Do not think the peace of the world an ideal, impossible to attain, nothing is impossible to the Divine Benevolence of God."
Nothing is impossible. I tried my hardest for 5 years in this marriage, and felt myself banging my head against the wall again and again. Perhaps now, through a YOP Baha'u'llah will create what could not be created while we were still living together.
I have to think this way. I am still married to him, we have two lovely children together and I am committed to following to my utmost the Law of the YOP. And if the YOP continues to its end with no reconciliation, and a divorce is granted, then I can rest assured that I have done my best. No doubts will creep after me and seep into the fabric of my future.
As I said though, this is hard! On the analytical and theoretical level I can see the wisdom and benefits within it. To be going through the experience of it, however, is something else. How do people get through it?
The YOP is tough. It's only been 3 months, I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of it. The most natural desire is to want to move onto another relationship. Of course, I recognize, firstly the requirements of the YOP, namely to work on reconciliation of the marriage, and I am all for that. My estranged husband, is not a Baha'i, and for the last 5 years I have been working on unity in this marriage. I read the Guidance on marriage which states that a Baha'i must make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a marriage to be dissolved. I really did make that effort, and anytime I felt like I wanted to throw in the towel, I thought, well, have I really made a superhuman effort?? Inevitably, the answer came, no, I can do more.
Eventually, a dear friend, counseled me, saying that there can be no unity without justice. She said that unity didn't mean being a doormat. I had been compromising too much of myself for the apparent harmony of the union and in effect remaining unhappy and not having any of my needs met in the marriage. I began to think more about respect and equality being manifested in my marriage. It was simple really, to just begin to think about clear boundaries and to state my expectations clearly. This, naturally, applied some pressure on my husband and on the marriage. I knew that he might leave, but, as my friend reflected, "if he leaves, he was never really there to begin with". This hit home. True, true.
I was, in reality, giving our marriage the best chance it had for success. By committing to the highest expression of the union, I challenged his commitment to it. He is a man of words, not deeds. "Beware", Baha'u'llah warns us, "lest ye walk in the ways of them whose words differ from their deeds." How often was I assured of his commitment to a shared goal only to experience him in reality acting against our joined decision? This contention, masked through passive-aggression, was deeply painful to experience again and again in the marriage. I didn't want to believe that someone could actually act this way, I wanted to believe that it was only because he didn't understand the effects of his action, that somehow I wasn't communicating to him clearly enough my experience and my emotional pain. Deeds are the measure of a man and in the end, his deeds spoke to his commitment to me, the children and the marriage.
What will happen in the next nine months remains to be seen. It is my sincerest wish that we could reconcile and create a true union which will endure throughout all the worlds of God, one where we are spiritual partners who improve each other's spiritual lives throughout eternity. Realistically, I see all the damage that has been done to our marital foundation, and know that it will take a miracle for this marriage to be saved. Lucky for me, I believe in miracles. I often call to my mind the words of 'Abdu'l-Baha: "Do not think the peace of the world an ideal, impossible to attain, nothing is impossible to the Divine Benevolence of God."
Nothing is impossible. I tried my hardest for 5 years in this marriage, and felt myself banging my head against the wall again and again. Perhaps now, through a YOP Baha'u'llah will create what could not be created while we were still living together.
I have to think this way. I am still married to him, we have two lovely children together and I am committed to following to my utmost the Law of the YOP. And if the YOP continues to its end with no reconciliation, and a divorce is granted, then I can rest assured that I have done my best. No doubts will creep after me and seep into the fabric of my future.
As I said though, this is hard! On the analytical and theoretical level I can see the wisdom and benefits within it. To be going through the experience of it, however, is something else. How do people get through it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)