Partnership. I want a partner. I feel so lonely. I go out with my married couple friends and it is so sweet to see their interactions and their loving partnership and support of each other. It is a physical ache, I want a partner so badly.
This exact desire is what led me into so many bad relationships to begin with. I love the idea of being in couple and I fall in love easily. I see the wonderful positive attributes in almost anyone I meet and for a sweet smile I'll follow them home. Pursuing this longing is what led me into couple-hood repeatedly before the relationship with a new love was viable. And it is the same path which led me to my husband. I met him and became involved (this was before I found the Faith) and got married to him shortly after Declaring. But again, the relationship was not adequately explored prior to tying the knot.
Now, once again, I find myself longing for a partner. I was lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage. I prefer this reality to the one of six months, or one year ago. But the same patterns exist within me. The pattern of deeply wanting to be in a relationship. The one thing that I have learned, I hope, from this, is to be more cautious about getting into a union with someone. I won't be doing any married acts while unmarried again that's for sure. This only serves to complicate a relationship emotionally, mentally and spiritually, while granting passing, momentary and fleeting pleasure and comfort.
Having been used to going down this path as a means of dealing with the feelings of loneliness it's tempting for me to go down it again. Like a recovered (can you ever fully be recovered?) alcoholic wanting to take a drink again in times of stress.
This is the fantasy of being with someone again, having the delightful illusion of partnership. I find myself thinking about males I know, males who are not married, available men. I find myself developing crushes, fixations, infatuations. There are no actions attached to these thoughts, and the very action of choosing to not take actions further realizes for me my current state of non-partnership.
I don't understand why it should be so hard. I was unhappy in my marriage. I was unhappy in previous relationships. I have never had a true state of partnership. How is now any different?
The difference is that now I am not hiding from the Reality. It is our duty to accept reality. By following the Baha'i Laws I have been given the bounty of fully accepting and exploring my current reality.
Alcohol is the ultimate escape from reality. I used to drink. A lot. I used to be an alcoholic, I would say. Not that I ever defined myself as one. I was shortly before learning about the Faith that I decided to not drink. I continued to not drink out of love for and fear of Baha'u'llah.
The next escape of choice would be getting involved in a physical relationship. But as I said, I am committed to following the Law and not doing that.
The other choice, of course, is how to approach the thoughts and feelings. Do I go into the darkness of the emotions of loss and grief and loneliness, or do I choose rather, to keep my spirits high and keep these emotions at a bit of a distance. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. If I choose the former, it carries the promise of harder tests, more intense processing, deeper pain, but also a shorter time until new growth and new paths open up. The latter offers a softer path, longer time, less pain, a more pleasant journey. Ultimately, it will be the same mountain I am climbing, the first path is the more direct and steeper route, the second is the meandering, scenic route.
"But for the tribulations which are sustained in Thy path, how could Thy true lovers be recognized? ... The companions of all who adore Thee are the tears they shed, and the comforters of such as seek Thee are the groans they utter, and the food of them who haste to meet Thee is the fragments of their broken hearts."
Ahhhh, how beautiful. Tragic, romantic. The Valley of Pain.
But what does that really mean?