First quarter

I decided to write this blog as I typed into google, for a joke, "how to get through a year of patience". Not surprisingly, there was nothing in "wikihow". But it got me thinking, if I could benefit from reading about someone else's experiences ... then why not share mine, and it will give me some outlet and venue for the emotional and mental expression.
The YOP is tough. It's only been 3 months, I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of it. The most natural desire is to want to move onto another relationship. Of course, I recognize, firstly the requirements of the YOP, namely to work on reconciliation of the marriage, and I am all for that. My estranged husband, is not a Baha'i, and for the last 5 years I have been working on unity in this marriage. I read the Guidance on marriage which states that a Baha'i must make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a marriage to be dissolved. I really did make that effort, and anytime I felt like I wanted to throw in the towel, I thought, well, have I really made a superhuman effort?? Inevitably, the answer came, no, I can do more.
Eventually, a dear friend, counseled me, saying that there can be no unity without justice. She said that unity didn't mean being a doormat. I had been compromising too much of myself for the apparent harmony of the union and in effect remaining unhappy and not having any of my needs met in the marriage. I began to think more about respect and equality being manifested in my marriage. It was simple really, to just begin to think about clear boundaries and to state my expectations clearly. This, naturally, applied some pressure on my husband and on the marriage. I knew that he might leave, but, as my friend reflected, "if he leaves, he was never really there to begin with". This hit home. True, true.
I was, in reality, giving our marriage the best chance it had for success. By committing to the highest expression of the union, I challenged his commitment to it. He is a man of words, not deeds. "Beware", Baha'u'llah warns us, "lest ye walk in the ways of them whose words differ from their deeds." How often was I assured of his commitment to a shared goal only to experience him in reality acting against our joined decision? This contention, masked through passive-aggression, was deeply painful to experience again and again in the marriage. I didn't want to believe that someone could actually act this way, I wanted to believe that it was only because he didn't understand the effects of his action, that somehow I wasn't communicating to him clearly enough my experience and my emotional pain. Deeds are the measure of a man and in the end, his deeds spoke to his commitment to me, the children and the marriage.
What will happen in the next nine months remains to be seen. It is my sincerest wish that we could reconcile and create a true union which will endure throughout all the worlds of God, one where we are spiritual partners who improve each other's spiritual lives throughout eternity. Realistically, I see all the damage that has been done to our marital foundation, and know that it will take a miracle for this marriage to be saved. Lucky for me, I believe in miracles. I often call to my mind the words of 'Abdu'l-Baha: "Do not think the peace of the world an ideal, impossible to attain, nothing is impossible to the Divine Benevolence of God."
Nothing is impossible. I tried my hardest for 5 years in this marriage, and felt myself banging my head against the wall again and again. Perhaps now, through a YOP Baha'u'llah will create what could not be created while we were still living together.
I have to think this way. I am still married to him, we have two lovely children together and I am committed to following to my utmost the Law of the YOP. And if the YOP continues to its end with no reconciliation, and a divorce is granted, then I can rest assured that I have done my best. No doubts will creep after me and seep into the fabric of my future.
As I said though, this is hard! On the analytical and theoretical level I can see the wisdom and benefits within it. To be going through the experience of it, however, is something else. How do people get through it?