"Things take a year."
"What things?"
"All things."
Look at the cycles of nature, the pregnancy and post-partum stage, a year of waiting.
It is a reminder that whatever you are fretting over and worrying about or working on, it will take a year for there to be any change or visible growth.
The growth is occurring of course throughout the year, but you cannot see the effect of it for about one year. A year is a magical time. It's also nice to watch the seasons go by and contemplate them while they are growing, that is part of worshiping God and knowing God, appreciating and loving all stages of the growth.
It yields peace.
Twinkle twinkle
I don't have my girls. They are at daycare. I miss them already. It is difficult to focus on the tasks ahead of me. It is difficult to tear myself away from just feeling glum and sorry for myself.
I am mad at my ex. Separation and divorce are absolutely stupid ideas. I am mad that I don't get to have the kids, the husband, the happy home, the support.
I just have to keep pluggin' away.
As Rumi says "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to" & "Mysteries are not meant to be solved".
I feel as if I am floating on a sea of emotion, being tossed one way and then as soon as I orient myself with my direction, I am tossed into another random previously unknown direction. I felt jealous today, about a friend of mine. It was unexpected to feel this related to him, and I realized that I care more than I should about something he did.
What is with male relationships being so compelling and so complicated at the same time?
I realize that the relationships that are around me are the ones that I depend on and that grow and that are supportive. The relationships which are not around, simply pass, they aren't vehicles for mutual growth. My children are examples of the first kind. Even though I am clearly the one supporting and nurturing them, it is also clearly an interdependent relationship. I don't rely on them, but their presence, their love, their joy, their need supports me. And spiritually, they are a strong source of support and I can rely on them in that realm. Praise be to God for my wonderful children and for this dynamic of unity in our single parent family.
It tough not being with them.
How does a partner (a husband) fit into this picture? I don't see what that might look like.
I am grateful that I am not in a disunited marriage. It is a most painful place to feel disunity. Marriage is the one relationships upon which all relationships in society are built. We sense it on an intuitive, gut level how important the maintenance of unity in that relationship is. And it is devastating when our efforts do not yield the desired outcome, the sought after goal.
I am an excellent mother. I am an excellent wife. A wife without a husband.
Rumi also says not to be to eager to give up your loneliness, for it is in this loneliness that we grow closer to God. That works for me. The heart was created for loving God. The only true loneliness is of the lover separated from her Beloved. And the Beloved is an eye twinkle away, at all times. Ya Baha'u'lla-Abha!
I am mad at my ex. Separation and divorce are absolutely stupid ideas. I am mad that I don't get to have the kids, the husband, the happy home, the support.
I just have to keep pluggin' away.
As Rumi says "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to" & "Mysteries are not meant to be solved".
I feel as if I am floating on a sea of emotion, being tossed one way and then as soon as I orient myself with my direction, I am tossed into another random previously unknown direction. I felt jealous today, about a friend of mine. It was unexpected to feel this related to him, and I realized that I care more than I should about something he did.
What is with male relationships being so compelling and so complicated at the same time?
I realize that the relationships that are around me are the ones that I depend on and that grow and that are supportive. The relationships which are not around, simply pass, they aren't vehicles for mutual growth. My children are examples of the first kind. Even though I am clearly the one supporting and nurturing them, it is also clearly an interdependent relationship. I don't rely on them, but their presence, their love, their joy, their need supports me. And spiritually, they are a strong source of support and I can rely on them in that realm. Praise be to God for my wonderful children and for this dynamic of unity in our single parent family.
It tough not being with them.
How does a partner (a husband) fit into this picture? I don't see what that might look like.
I am grateful that I am not in a disunited marriage. It is a most painful place to feel disunity. Marriage is the one relationships upon which all relationships in society are built. We sense it on an intuitive, gut level how important the maintenance of unity in that relationship is. And it is devastating when our efforts do not yield the desired outcome, the sought after goal.
I am an excellent mother. I am an excellent wife. A wife without a husband.
Rumi also says not to be to eager to give up your loneliness, for it is in this loneliness that we grow closer to God. That works for me. The heart was created for loving God. The only true loneliness is of the lover separated from her Beloved. And the Beloved is an eye twinkle away, at all times. Ya Baha'u'lla-Abha!
Changing Gears
I spent the last two days with my kids, just me and them, some outings, some visits, Holy Day celebration. I was nervous and anxious about it, about feeling overwhelmed or pressured by them, being tired. But then I realized that my girls are so good at being understanding and about giving me space. And in fact, we have an excellent dynamic. Praise be to God!
So now our two days of hang outs are over. Tomorrow they go back to daycare, and they spend the weekend with their Dad. I have work and school work to do.
The last weekend that they were with their Dad and I was home alone, even though I had lots to do, I spend all day Sunday in bed, watched two movies, prayed, read, reflected, journaled etc. I am afraid that tomorrow morning after I drop them off I will again sink into my moods and reflections. The problem is that these moods aren't very effective. I think that there is a certain degree of healing that goes on while I am in them, and it's easy terrain for me to traverse, the reflective, contemplative, musing, creative, exploring terrain. However, I end up being un-productive. And I am not entirely sure how to manage this tendency. How much reflection do I need? At what point do I fight it and force myself to start to do something?
Perhaps the concern with being unprodcutive is unfounded. I am not being productive in an external sense, but perhaps the musing and wandering through the landscape of my emotions is productive in a different sense? I suspect that it is and that I am learning through it. The question is what am I learning? And is it serving God ultimately?
I am nervous now about the upcoming weekend and the space I will have to myself.
My kids regulate me, they stabilize me, they give me a structure and a routine. As much as I dislike it and wish to just do my thing, it is actually very good for me to parent them, care for them, nurture them, structure them, and I am serving God while doing these things.
So while I am alone, with everything that I need to do - schoolwork, workwork, paperwork, housework ... how does that figure in with service? "Give me Thy grace to serve Thy loved ones" 'Abdu'l-Baha prays in the Tablet of Visitation. While saying that prayer recently, I've been thinking of my kids and it has been confirming. Being with them is hard work and it is a challenge.
Now with being alone coming upon me, I am feeling daunted, unsure, nervous, anxious.
It is changing gears and my transmission feels like its sticking.
From a little more of a detached perspective, I observe myself and think that it is change that makes me anxious. Which is a pretty normal thing, right? Change is difficult to manage and adjust to. Life is full of changes.
"If you want things to stay the same, everything is going to have to change around here." ;)
I struggle with how much time do I need for me and at what point do I need to do something else? At what point is it indulgent? At what point is it necessary?
My tendency is to forget myself and not take the time that I need. So I think that in some ways I go to the other extreme too and I take too much of it. And I am good at both. And I am creative and creativity is hard to manage. But I am also driven, organized and effective, these qualities create a tension with my reflective, creative musing side. Where is the balance between the two?
While I have the kids, it's a situation that is more familiar to me. The default is serving and being externally focused, the internal side gets listened to only when it really needs it. But when I am alone, with not many direct external pressures to do, the reflective side doesn't have boundaries directing it and I sort of allow it to take over. And, to repeat myself, I am not sure how much I *should*.
So now our two days of hang outs are over. Tomorrow they go back to daycare, and they spend the weekend with their Dad. I have work and school work to do.
The last weekend that they were with their Dad and I was home alone, even though I had lots to do, I spend all day Sunday in bed, watched two movies, prayed, read, reflected, journaled etc. I am afraid that tomorrow morning after I drop them off I will again sink into my moods and reflections. The problem is that these moods aren't very effective. I think that there is a certain degree of healing that goes on while I am in them, and it's easy terrain for me to traverse, the reflective, contemplative, musing, creative, exploring terrain. However, I end up being un-productive. And I am not entirely sure how to manage this tendency. How much reflection do I need? At what point do I fight it and force myself to start to do something?
Perhaps the concern with being unprodcutive is unfounded. I am not being productive in an external sense, but perhaps the musing and wandering through the landscape of my emotions is productive in a different sense? I suspect that it is and that I am learning through it. The question is what am I learning? And is it serving God ultimately?
I am nervous now about the upcoming weekend and the space I will have to myself.
My kids regulate me, they stabilize me, they give me a structure and a routine. As much as I dislike it and wish to just do my thing, it is actually very good for me to parent them, care for them, nurture them, structure them, and I am serving God while doing these things.
So while I am alone, with everything that I need to do - schoolwork, workwork, paperwork, housework ... how does that figure in with service? "Give me Thy grace to serve Thy loved ones" 'Abdu'l-Baha prays in the Tablet of Visitation. While saying that prayer recently, I've been thinking of my kids and it has been confirming. Being with them is hard work and it is a challenge.
Now with being alone coming upon me, I am feeling daunted, unsure, nervous, anxious.
It is changing gears and my transmission feels like its sticking.
From a little more of a detached perspective, I observe myself and think that it is change that makes me anxious. Which is a pretty normal thing, right? Change is difficult to manage and adjust to. Life is full of changes.
"If you want things to stay the same, everything is going to have to change around here." ;)
I struggle with how much time do I need for me and at what point do I need to do something else? At what point is it indulgent? At what point is it necessary?
My tendency is to forget myself and not take the time that I need. So I think that in some ways I go to the other extreme too and I take too much of it. And I am good at both. And I am creative and creativity is hard to manage. But I am also driven, organized and effective, these qualities create a tension with my reflective, creative musing side. Where is the balance between the two?
While I have the kids, it's a situation that is more familiar to me. The default is serving and being externally focused, the internal side gets listened to only when it really needs it. But when I am alone, with not many direct external pressures to do, the reflective side doesn't have boundaries directing it and I sort of allow it to take over. And, to repeat myself, I am not sure how much I *should*.
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