Changing Gears

I spent the last two days with my kids, just me and them, some outings, some visits, Holy Day celebration. I was nervous and anxious about it, about feeling overwhelmed or pressured by them, being tired. But then I realized that my girls are so good at being understanding and about giving me space. And in fact, we have an excellent dynamic. Praise be to God!
So now our two days of hang outs are over. Tomorrow they go back to daycare, and they spend the weekend with their Dad. I have work and school work to do.
The last weekend that they were with their Dad and I was home alone, even though I had lots to do, I spend all day Sunday in bed, watched two movies, prayed, read, reflected, journaled etc. I am afraid that tomorrow morning after I drop them off I will again sink into my moods and reflections. The problem is that these moods aren't very effective. I think that there is a certain degree of healing that goes on while I am in them, and it's easy terrain for me to traverse, the reflective, contemplative, musing, creative, exploring terrain. However, I end up being un-productive. And I am not entirely sure how to manage this tendency. How much reflection do I need? At what point do I fight it and force myself to start to do something?
Perhaps the concern with being unprodcutive is unfounded. I am not being productive in an external sense, but perhaps the musing and wandering through the landscape of my emotions is productive in a different sense? I suspect that it is and that I am learning through it. The question is what am I learning? And is it serving God ultimately?
I am nervous now about the upcoming weekend and the space I will have to myself.
My kids regulate me, they stabilize me, they give me a structure and a routine. As much as I dislike it and wish to just do my thing, it is actually very good for me to parent them, care for them, nurture them, structure them, and I am serving God while doing these things.
So while I am alone, with everything that I need to do - schoolwork, workwork, paperwork, housework ... how does that figure in with service? "Give me Thy grace to serve Thy loved ones" 'Abdu'l-Baha prays in the Tablet of Visitation. While saying that prayer recently, I've been thinking of my kids and it has been confirming. Being with them is hard work and it is a challenge.
Now with being alone coming upon me, I am feeling daunted, unsure, nervous, anxious.
It is changing gears and my transmission feels like its sticking.
From a little more of a detached perspective, I observe myself and think that it is change that makes me anxious. Which is a pretty normal thing, right? Change is difficult to manage and adjust to. Life is full of changes.
"If you want things to stay the same, everything is going to have to change around here." ;)
I struggle with how much time do I need for me and at what point do I need to do something else? At what point is it indulgent? At what point is it necessary?
My tendency is to forget myself and not take the time that I need. So I think that in some ways I go to the other extreme too and I take too much of it. And I am good at both. And I am creative and creativity is hard to manage. But I am also driven, organized and effective, these qualities create a tension with my reflective, creative musing side. Where is the balance between the two?
While I have the kids, it's a situation that is more familiar to me. The default is serving and being externally focused, the internal side gets listened to only when it really needs it. But when I am alone, with not many direct external pressures to do, the reflective side doesn't have boundaries directing it and I sort of allow it to take over. And, to repeat myself, I am not sure how much I *should*.