Thank You God that this is over. Thank You for delivering me from the hell of my own choosing of my marriage. Thank God that he is gone from my life. I feel so grateful. I feel so peaceful. I am done. I will only accept what God gives me now. I am so blessed. The only men around me now in my life are men that love me and that will be good friends to me.
Thank You for "curing me of my ridiculous obsession with [romantic] love."
Praise be to God, Who hath created existence from non-existence and carried me safely through the raging rapids of my choices.
If for all eternity every droplet of my blood would cry out with millions of tongues in thanks to Thee it would not be sufficient.
Ya Baha'u'l-Abha!
the view from the top ;)
The year is over in three days. I feel great. I feel like I have climbed a really tall, arduous, steep, mountain and now I am looking at the view and it's stunning!
I feel like everyone should do a year of waiting. I feel like I have so much insight into life, marriage, relationships, my self, spiritual development. I am grateful for this year. It's like the quote about "outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy" that is what I feel like. Like I went through something which appears to be awful on the outside, but inside it is beautiful and rewarding. I am so blessed to have stayed steadfast and grown through this process. Praise be to God.
The way I think about friendships with guys has really changed now too. There used to be much more sexual tension in my male friendships, now, I can just be friends with guys more and get to know them in ways that I couldn't previously. The relationship can develop and we can develop spiritual bonds of love. That is where I am at now. I just want to explore friendships and spiritual love. Perhaps one day I will have a close close friend, and perhaps we can marry, if we choose to. But for now, I feel like there is absolutely no point to marriage. Why would I want to live with someone? Why would I want all the conflict that is inherent in modern marriages? None of my relationships have grown to the point of being spiritual enough to base a marriage on. May God grant that they will develop into spiritual unions.
I feel like everyone should do a year of waiting. I feel like I have so much insight into life, marriage, relationships, my self, spiritual development. I am grateful for this year. It's like the quote about "outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy" that is what I feel like. Like I went through something which appears to be awful on the outside, but inside it is beautiful and rewarding. I am so blessed to have stayed steadfast and grown through this process. Praise be to God.
The way I think about friendships with guys has really changed now too. There used to be much more sexual tension in my male friendships, now, I can just be friends with guys more and get to know them in ways that I couldn't previously. The relationship can develop and we can develop spiritual bonds of love. That is where I am at now. I just want to explore friendships and spiritual love. Perhaps one day I will have a close close friend, and perhaps we can marry, if we choose to. But for now, I feel like there is absolutely no point to marriage. Why would I want to live with someone? Why would I want all the conflict that is inherent in modern marriages? None of my relationships have grown to the point of being spiritual enough to base a marriage on. May God grant that they will develop into spiritual unions.
So long...
I will start to write a different blog. One about all the new things going on in my life. Kids. Work. Relationships. Music. Me.
I'm feeling like this one has fulfilled it's duty and purpose.
I'm feeling like this one has fulfilled it's duty and purpose.
Facts
It's almost over and I am looking forward to being divorced.
Not much to say about the YOW anymore. I feel like I have exhausted this subject. It seems timely that it is ending. So much wisdom in the Baha'i laws.
And I can take it or leave it in terms of a relationship. That is a refreshing place to be.
Facts.
I am still affected intensely by interactions with Boy.
I recover about 20 hours after seeing him.
I hold no attachment to a relationship outcome with him.
I can see possibilities of successful relationships with other(s) too.
I have come to deeper understandings of marriage and couple hood.
I am stronger and more confident.
My relationships with the community have deepened.
I have learned about myself.
It would be easier to parent with a partner.
If my husband were willing, I would be willing to work on this.
My husband is not willing, I have asked.
Praise be to God for getting me through this year.
xoxo
Not much to say about the YOW anymore. I feel like I have exhausted this subject. It seems timely that it is ending. So much wisdom in the Baha'i laws.
And I can take it or leave it in terms of a relationship. That is a refreshing place to be.
Facts.
I am still affected intensely by interactions with Boy.
I recover about 20 hours after seeing him.
I hold no attachment to a relationship outcome with him.
I can see possibilities of successful relationships with other(s) too.
I have come to deeper understandings of marriage and couple hood.
I am stronger and more confident.
My relationships with the community have deepened.
I have learned about myself.
It would be easier to parent with a partner.
If my husband were willing, I would be willing to work on this.
My husband is not willing, I have asked.
Praise be to God for getting me through this year.
xoxo
Success
The more one struggles with something to more one learns about it.
Success is not measured in outcomes, but in effort put into growth. The challenge in life is to appreciate the dynamics of crisis and victory.
I had a successful marriage. I committed to it, grew in it, struggled with it. I learned. And I am learning to appreciate the dynamics of it.
Success is not measured in outcomes, but in effort put into growth. The challenge in life is to appreciate the dynamics of crisis and victory.
I had a successful marriage. I committed to it, grew in it, struggled with it. I learned. And I am learning to appreciate the dynamics of it.
journey
My YOW is almost over. In the beginning of the year all I could do was think of this moment, of when the year would finally be over. I expected that I would feel peaceful. I was trying to escape from the feeling of panic that I had in the beginning of the year.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.
"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron
How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.
That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.
As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.
O what a journey it has been.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.
"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron
How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.
That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.
As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.
O what a journey it has been.
How?
The Year is almost over. I have about one more month left from when it officially started. Then we are going to court a week or so after that to get the final divorce handled, including: debt, custody, travel etc.
The tests I am dealing with are no longer YOW related, they are more single parent, young children, living alone, Teaching the Faith, cleaning the house, motivating myself, organizing myself. They are new things, no longer old things.
It feels like I have a new reality. It feels like I should maybe start a different blog? Ha.
The question that I started with, how to get through a YOW - this still needs to be answered.
What would I say to myself back in the fall of last year?
That'll be my last entry I guess.
The tests I am dealing with are no longer YOW related, they are more single parent, young children, living alone, Teaching the Faith, cleaning the house, motivating myself, organizing myself. They are new things, no longer old things.
It feels like I have a new reality. It feels like I should maybe start a different blog? Ha.
The question that I started with, how to get through a YOW - this still needs to be answered.
What would I say to myself back in the fall of last year?
That'll be my last entry I guess.
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