Six

I understand prisoners now. Time takes on a different feeling when you have something keeping you from acting. The Law forbids any new relationship development for one year. I am spiritually, and in all other ways, committed to my husband. Even though, he left, and he has shown no interest in reconciliation. In 6 more months I will have my answer. Will he have a change of heart? Will he decide to commit to this marriage? Or will he cast it aside, acting under the false assumption that it will be different with somebody else?
i want nothing more than for him to want this marriage. But I can't make him want it. Lord knows, I have tried.
And at the same time, I also want to know, definitively my marital status. And in six more months I will know.
My heart is so emotional, and able to handle rich relationships. As much as I love my marriage and pray for my husband daily. There is also another man who I have fallen for. There is almost no relationship to speak of there. I am keeping my distance and he is totally unaware of my feelings.
I find it surprising that I have room in my heart for this kind of emotional complexity.
Also in six more months I will be able to consider that relationship from a position of new clarity. Married or divorced.
The YOW is a period of total emotional unclarity. I guess ideally, the couple tries to reconcile. But in my case, my husband is happy to walk away from this marriage. So it is unclear. Emotionally I can't move on, even though all signs indicate that he is not going to come back. So I just have to wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait for this year to pass. And it will pass. I have never been in a situation where I had this imposed on me, this waiting for time to pass.
This is what parallels this to prison. It is almost fitting that if a couple screwed up their marriage enough to be in a YOW that they enter marital jail.
One year is not a long time, especially from the standpoint of eternity.
I love my husband. I wish he could see that all the conflict is just an illusion. It all passes. We only take joy with us to the next world anyway. Fundamentally, I wish he could turn to God.
"We verily swear to abide by the will of God." I wanted to leave the marriage many times. But in the end I never did, because it's not the will of God. I found other avenues through which to work on my issues.
I have told him many times that we can make this work , with creativity and determination. He replied that he doesn't want to.
How can someone not want to? How can someone not want to do whatever it takes?
"Whoso maketh efforts for Us, in Our ways We shall guide them." Whatever you do for God, the payoff is so great! It's worth any struggle and transient discomfort. I wish he could SEE that !
But alas, he can't.
Is he spiritually blind? Why can't he see that? Why doesn't he want to make efforts for God? Am I really asking, how can I make him want it? Free will. It's all just too sad.
Six more months. In six months I will have my emotional freedom back. Right now, I am in emotional prison. A conjugal visit would be appreciated. (Ha ha)