New lands

I saw you tonight, as I usually do when we exchange the children. I feel the distance growing between us, something new in our relationship. I don't miss you as I used to. My friend was surprised by how good-looking you are. I was surprised by her surprise. She was giving you an intense-probing once-over when she saw you the other day, and her thirty second long investigation only revealed that you were attractive.
Tonight I gave you an Ayyam i Ha gift - flowers, a card with a prayer for husbands, and cookies. You thanked me. I said "you're welcome". We smiled. I enjoyed seeing you happy and accepting happiness from me.
But I sense that we are moving on.
Let me emphasize again that I do not want this. I want us to grow together, not apart. You cannot stop growth, I will keep growing and developing, so will you. But wouldn't it be nice to grow together?
I am realizing about myself that I really love people. I love getting to know them deeply. And yet, some of my friendships, the ones that are quite deep, I feel a little anxious within, I feel anxious about the intimacy of the relationship, there isn't clear paths on which the relationship ought to develop. I don't know where to lead it.
It comes down to me accepting love, I think. Feeling calm in the presence of another human being who I love and accepting the relationship for what it is, and accepting that love and not feeling the need to say anything or have it be anything, just allowing it to be. I am sure I am not alone in this struggle.
I spoke with a woman tonight who is very clear on her boundaries. We are exhorted, as Baha'is, to serve humanity. Wealth is described in terms of desire to serve (spiritual wealth) and capacity to serve (material wealth). I have a great desire to serve, and my challenge lies in understanding my capacity to serve. Where are my boundaries? What is too much? What is not enough? And where is the guidance in the Writings which clarifies that? How did 'Abdu'l-Baha know when to rest? When to pay attention to his own needs? My counsellor tells me that I have a body and that body has needs. I find that my biggest source of stress with the kids comes from the fact that I am constantly being interrupted, that I don't have time to simply concentrate on my own needs, thoughts, musings. But then I think to myself, that Assiyah Khanum had to walk through barren icescapes and mountains with barely enough food and shelter while taking care of her children. How did she balance her needs?
The quotations which come to mind are "deny not My servant should he ask anything from thee, for his face is My Face, be then abashed before Me" and "The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice..." So what do you do if a situation or a person is asking you to do something which would be unjust to your own self? How do you really know what is just to your own self? Should we even be concerned with our own selves? 'Abdu'l-Baha was not.... at least not most of the time from the stories I know. One story where he manifests Justice is with the coach driver, he was determined not to be cheated, when the driver demanded an unjust fare for the journey, 'Abdu'l-Baha fought back the drivers attack and paid him only what he deserved. At what point does serving others become enabling? And at what point is saying "no" simply selfish? And at what point is it clear boundaries?
I guess this blog has expanded recently, I guess it is no longer simply about my emotions relating to the shock of my husband leaving our family - it seems that I have come to new lands in my emotional travels. And these lands are new and inviting and interesting and populated and enjoyable. I am happy to be exploring these lands, these relationships.
I am surprised to find happiness here, in this YOW. I knew that happiness was always there, but to find it here, in this blog, in this deepest part of my heart, where I explore my feelings to the marriage, to the end of the marriage, to the YOW, this is all very surprising to me. Surprising, but welcome and exciting. To me, it indicates growth.
There is a friend of mine who I love deeply. She is a cool, funny, witty, creative, patient mom and supportive, insightful friend. And yet, I feel like I can't totally trust the relationship. I feel like I can't trust her. I feel like she isn't that spiritually developed. So , in a sense, I feel like I need to protect myself from parts of her and to also strengthen other parts of her, to Teach her, if you will. And then there are other friends I have, where we don't have that much in common in the material world, we are in different age groups, at different points in our lives, but somehow, I feel a deep spiritual kinship with these people. I am thinking of one woman I know in particular. She is quite a but younger than I, but I feel a deep love towards her and I feel like I can trust her, rely on her, that I can trust her to turn to God, to serve. Does this indicate she is spiritually wealthy? It is refreshing to be around her, I feel like I can rest, like I don't need to be working. It is rare for me to find people like that, people who I feel supported by on a spiritual level. I wonder what that means?
This guy that I have these ambivalent feelings towards. I feel that way around him too, that I don't need to work, that he can support me.
This is again, all really new, all these realizations for me. Service. Spiritual capacity. Spiritual wealth.
The truth is that if I spend enough time around some people, I end up feeling spiritually drained. And around others I don't. What is going on there?
There is another friend of mine who is wonderful, energetic, thoughtful, wise, well-grounded in the Writings, practical and very helpful. She is always serving others. I love her deeply and admire her. I have learned a lot from her. And I ask myself. How can I serve her? She who doesn't every complain, or talk of her own troubles, or unburden herself. She whose heart I am certain contains griefs and burdens, like all of ours. How can I lift her up, make her life better, more joyful?
And then, part of all these musings, is - how can I lift up the whole world? And then, how can I lift up myself? If I burn out, then how can I serve? And I have these two exquisite girls to raise. What's the best way to mother them and to be myself?