I've been thinking about attractions recently. There is this guy who is cute and playful and likes me ... and well, hey, it's fun to flirt a little with him. Flirting is fun, only as long as it doesn't get too serious.
However, attraction can be potentially dangerous. For instance, I would avoid being in intimate situations with this guy, or one on one with him in private. And as far the he goes, a relationship would never work between us. There would be too much that he would have to change or learn or grow in, in order for me to consider marrying him. However, we can certainly be friends, and love one another that way, as friends. But were it not for attraction we wouldn't be becoming friends. It seems like attraction is a fine line to walk.
There is this other guy who I sometimes play music with and he's a total cutie too, very charming and flirty. But not with me. In fact, I have never picked up that sort of vibe from him, and the relationship is different between us, sort of more laid back.
And then there is the guy who I've been fixated on all year. There was definitely attraction between us in the beginning of this year. And it freaked me out. So I pushed it and him far away in the hopes of getting it out of my life. And it didn't work. The only thing that worked was processing it and learning to deal with it, work with it, detach from it.
The thing with that situation is that I've never been in that dynamic before. I've never liked a guy and not been able to get a clear read of whether he liked me because he's aware of YOW stipulations and even if he did like me wouldn't allow himself to be aware of it, so I just pushed the whole thing away, perhaps in the hopes of having some drama there.
There was an older man I was thinking of today as a possible potential, and I was wondering if I could ever be with an older man. He's mature, intelligent, dynamic, thoughtful ... and married. For me, that's an easy boundary to respect. However, I definitely sensed a potential for a vibe from him too.
I'm youthful, attractive, fun - I am attractive to a lot of people, and men.
The thing with this other guy, the guy who likes me, is that it's a totally familiar dynamic. I am used to guys liking me and me keeping a boundary there. So I know that I can become friends with him - it's a familiar script.
I guess the thing with the year long obsession guy is that I figured he couldn't possibly be interested in me that way, due to his knowing the YOW rules and being so obedient as he is. So I couldn't play my standard role, of keeping the guy at a comfortable flirtation level of distance, as he was not pursuing. Except that he was. And I was.
I feel lonely sometimes. I read in some book about how a girl ought to have different guys, like different outfits, for different moods and occasions. So, I feel like I have that now - I have a guy to do things with, a guy to play music with, guys to play games with - and I am building my guy wardrobe, keeping with the analogy ;)
But who is the guy that I can go on adventures with, laugh with, snuggle next to, trust with my kids, plan finances with, who will cheer me up after a long day, who will respect me, take responsibility for his own growth, who will hold me when I just want to cry, with whom I can create the love, unity and respect that I know a family bond ought to have? Who is the guy who will give me my independence and freedom and still be there when I need closeness, comfort and reassurance? Who is strong enough and mature enough, secure enough to offer me that? And then at the same time, maybe I don't need *all* that.
Maybe for now, all I need is to build my wardrobe and just explore male female friendships without it being heavy with the weight of a relationship. That sounds like a good plan and place to start.
I am starting to get closure with my marriage. I'll write more about that some other time. It's late. Good night.
today
Had a great day today. A very musical day. Went to a devotional, played & sang, then I joined a friend at his gig and sang with him, then I went to another musician friend's and we workshopped some of my songs. :) Came home, played and sang. Lots of music today. Cool. I feel happy. Light. Liberated. Fun.
I saw Boy today. I was not expecting that. It was fine. I was even able to have a mini conversation and conform to social graces. The thing is that I find men attractive, men find me attractive - and that's great, I love guys, however, none of the guys I know would I consider to be husband material. Except for Boy. Oh well... not relevant now anyway.
Just wanted to say how great my day was. Praise be to God!
I saw Boy today. I was not expecting that. It was fine. I was even able to have a mini conversation and conform to social graces. The thing is that I find men attractive, men find me attractive - and that's great, I love guys, however, none of the guys I know would I consider to be husband material. Except for Boy. Oh well... not relevant now anyway.
Just wanted to say how great my day was. Praise be to God!
Addictions
Just an update. I spoke with a dear friend today who has a lot of professional experience in addictions. She doesn't think that I have an addiction issue in my life. She thinks I just have *life*. The way she tells it, and this is straight from the Writings too, is that we all have the insistent self, or Satan. It up to us how we response to that insistent self. If we have a troublesome thought, like I want to drink, and we stop it at the thought, that is passing the test with flying colours, if we encourage the thought a little, think about it, talk about it and then stop it, that's passing, but not as well, if we actually go out and drink, then that's failing the test. So it all depends on our actions in relation to the insistent self. And in her opinion, and I agree, I am not drinking, I am not using, I am not having an affair with Boy or other boys. So in that case she doesn't see me as having trouble with addiction.
I do, btw, have a very mild case of bi-polar and I am on a ridiculously low dose of a mood stabilizer for it. She says that generally, drinking accompanies bi-polar and that the urge to drink can come when I feel manic or depressed. Which is interesting as I was feeling a little down the other day when I wanted to drink and the kids weren't here.
So, all in all, I am glad that I went to AA, maybe I will go again. But I don't think I have to do the 12 Step program. My friend suggested I perhaps try out Alanon, which is for family members of alcoholics. She also said that by being a Baha'i I am doing most of the steps already. Praise be to God that I am a Baha'i !
I am worried about my brother. He shows signs of alcohol dependancy.
I do, btw, have a very mild case of bi-polar and I am on a ridiculously low dose of a mood stabilizer for it. She says that generally, drinking accompanies bi-polar and that the urge to drink can come when I feel manic or depressed. Which is interesting as I was feeling a little down the other day when I wanted to drink and the kids weren't here.
So, all in all, I am glad that I went to AA, maybe I will go again. But I don't think I have to do the 12 Step program. My friend suggested I perhaps try out Alanon, which is for family members of alcoholics. She also said that by being a Baha'i I am doing most of the steps already. Praise be to God that I am a Baha'i !
I am worried about my brother. He shows signs of alcohol dependancy.
Subtle Veil
Isn't the Baha'i Faith amazing?
Just by following the laws and being a Baha'i you become completely transformed.
No drinking, no drugs, no gambling, no sex (outside of marriage) - therefore all addictions are not possible. You are forced to fill yourself with God. And in case you want to escape by talking about other people, you aren't even allowed to do that, no gossip, no backbiting. And finally, the addiction hiding behind all other addictions, co-dependancy. If you were fortunate enough and confirmed in your efforts by the Creator to stop all the above forms of addiction and behaviour and were blessed with a marriage partner, then should your marriage, due to co-dependancy fail, you are given the bounty of the YOW to limit you from creating another pattern of addiction in your growth. Just by following the laws you will heal and move closer to God.
Co-dependancy is so incipient, it's so subtle, it's so prevalent, difficult to spot the behaviour, as it's all around us.
Just by following the laws and being a Baha'i you become completely transformed.
No drinking, no drugs, no gambling, no sex (outside of marriage) - therefore all addictions are not possible. You are forced to fill yourself with God. And in case you want to escape by talking about other people, you aren't even allowed to do that, no gossip, no backbiting. And finally, the addiction hiding behind all other addictions, co-dependancy. If you were fortunate enough and confirmed in your efforts by the Creator to stop all the above forms of addiction and behaviour and were blessed with a marriage partner, then should your marriage, due to co-dependancy fail, you are given the bounty of the YOW to limit you from creating another pattern of addiction in your growth. Just by following the laws you will heal and move closer to God.
Co-dependancy is so incipient, it's so subtle, it's so prevalent, difficult to spot the behaviour, as it's all around us.
Out with the Old and In with the New!
This is so amazing. The two processes of one pattern of behaviour passing, happened simultaneously, with another one growing. Through the course of this year, by not being able to grow in any co-dependent areas, I have grown actual healthy friendships. And I actually know what healthy relationships that aren't codependent look like! Praise be to God!
This makes me think of the old world and the new world. My way of relating to romantic relationships was analogous to "old world" and this new way of having healthy relationships is analogous to "new world". I am still learning, I am not there yet, I am still in the process of growing healthy relationships, I don't know if I will ever be "there". Likely for years to come I will still be learning health patterns, truly I am a pioneer in new lands. I have broken the cycle. I am the first in my immediate family to be learning healthy patterns of communicating and relationships. This expedition into new emotional landscapes, landscapes which are built upon justice, respect and fairness will continue. And my children will continue it.
This is the same process as what we see happening around us in modern civilization. The current systems which were developed over the last 1000 years served well when we were a planet comprised of nations, however, now that we are a planet comprised of one people and one country, we see these systems failing. And we, as Baha'is, are offering an alternative. We don't know what it will look like yet, but it will be based upon our newest Revelation and it will be something like nothing we can imagine, as it will be completely transforming. Just like, me as a relationship addict / alcoholic / substance abuser could never even attempt to imagine what life would look like without those addictions and obsessions. It's like being blindfolded and having the blindfold gently removed, or like having gentle eye surgery and you suddenly begin to see a new world. The amazing thing about it is that the growth is so gentle and beautiful. Of course when you are growing, it's full of struggle and strife - but that's just the nature of it. When you begin to see the progress that you have made you realize that the struggle was so insignificant when compared to how far you have come. And that is solely based on the grace of God. The growth is disproportionate to the struggle. It's not a fair equation. God is the All-Merciful, the Lord of Grace. Truly, the" true lover yearneth for tribulation"!
Just like the modern systems served us as civilizations, co-dependent relationships served us over the last 1000 years as well. It's wonderful that we are being forced to develop new relationships. I finally just caught my first glimpse of why divorce is permissible. In order to allow one soul to grow, when it's partner could not/ would not. My parents screwed up, they didn't do their marriage or their divorce right. Neither one has grown. In this case it is reprehensible to both. I am growing. I did everything I could have done in my marriage, and still am. And, Praise be to God, I remained steadfast. And through that, there have been undeserving bounties showered upon me. It makes sense to me now why the divorce rate is so high. We are learning how to have healthy relationships, this is just another sign of the current order crumbling and a new one being raised up. And we as Baha'is are on the apex of that growth, so that we can serve as guides through our actions, to others.
This is so amazing. Thanks be to Thee, O God, for letting me see and understand this.
I still don't know what the answer is to the original questions I posed 7 months ago, "how to get through a YOW". I'll keep thinking about it, I imagine, that perhaps by the time I write my last entry for this YOW I will have some sort of advice to offer.
This makes me think of the old world and the new world. My way of relating to romantic relationships was analogous to "old world" and this new way of having healthy relationships is analogous to "new world". I am still learning, I am not there yet, I am still in the process of growing healthy relationships, I don't know if I will ever be "there". Likely for years to come I will still be learning health patterns, truly I am a pioneer in new lands. I have broken the cycle. I am the first in my immediate family to be learning healthy patterns of communicating and relationships. This expedition into new emotional landscapes, landscapes which are built upon justice, respect and fairness will continue. And my children will continue it.
This is the same process as what we see happening around us in modern civilization. The current systems which were developed over the last 1000 years served well when we were a planet comprised of nations, however, now that we are a planet comprised of one people and one country, we see these systems failing. And we, as Baha'is, are offering an alternative. We don't know what it will look like yet, but it will be based upon our newest Revelation and it will be something like nothing we can imagine, as it will be completely transforming. Just like, me as a relationship addict / alcoholic / substance abuser could never even attempt to imagine what life would look like without those addictions and obsessions. It's like being blindfolded and having the blindfold gently removed, or like having gentle eye surgery and you suddenly begin to see a new world. The amazing thing about it is that the growth is so gentle and beautiful. Of course when you are growing, it's full of struggle and strife - but that's just the nature of it. When you begin to see the progress that you have made you realize that the struggle was so insignificant when compared to how far you have come. And that is solely based on the grace of God. The growth is disproportionate to the struggle. It's not a fair equation. God is the All-Merciful, the Lord of Grace. Truly, the" true lover yearneth for tribulation"!
Just like the modern systems served us as civilizations, co-dependent relationships served us over the last 1000 years as well. It's wonderful that we are being forced to develop new relationships. I finally just caught my first glimpse of why divorce is permissible. In order to allow one soul to grow, when it's partner could not/ would not. My parents screwed up, they didn't do their marriage or their divorce right. Neither one has grown. In this case it is reprehensible to both. I am growing. I did everything I could have done in my marriage, and still am. And, Praise be to God, I remained steadfast. And through that, there have been undeserving bounties showered upon me. It makes sense to me now why the divorce rate is so high. We are learning how to have healthy relationships, this is just another sign of the current order crumbling and a new one being raised up. And we as Baha'is are on the apex of that growth, so that we can serve as guides through our actions, to others.
This is so amazing. Thanks be to Thee, O God, for letting me see and understand this.
I still don't know what the answer is to the original questions I posed 7 months ago, "how to get through a YOW". I'll keep thinking about it, I imagine, that perhaps by the time I write my last entry for this YOW I will have some sort of advice to offer.
CODA
I just got back from my first AA meeting. I really liked it. And then we went for pizza with a friend of my friend's that was there and she told us about addiction and co-dependency addiction. Wow. I realize that I am an addict to that type of unhealthy relationship. I stopped drinking and married into a co-dependent relationships. When she was telling us about the patterns of co-dependent relationships, it was like she was describing our marriage, my parents marriage, other relationships I've had. I feel so blessed to have been given this insight. I want to go back to more meetings, this feels good. I feel like I can do this.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal, healthy romantic relationship. I probably will, but it will take a lot of thoughtfulness and care to make sure I don't get over-involved with it. One thing can be for sure, that it must grow slowly.
It's amazing how helpful this year has been. I didn't even know I was co-dependent and had trouble with relationships. Now, having been forced to be alone for a year I am realizing all the bounties and healing which has been showered upon me. Praised be God. I still want to go to some CoDa meetings, I think I would benefit from them. This is great. I am excited with this new learning.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal, healthy romantic relationship. I probably will, but it will take a lot of thoughtfulness and care to make sure I don't get over-involved with it. One thing can be for sure, that it must grow slowly.
It's amazing how helpful this year has been. I didn't even know I was co-dependent and had trouble with relationships. Now, having been forced to be alone for a year I am realizing all the bounties and healing which has been showered upon me. Praised be God. I still want to go to some CoDa meetings, I think I would benefit from them. This is great. I am excited with this new learning.
My former/ estranged/ first husband
Sarah Mclachlan has wonderful lyrics. She describes love perfectly. Heartbreak. Sadness. Courage. Faith. Growth. She is an inspiring soul.
I feel feckless. I wonder what I am doing with myself. My kids are fine. I am moving forward career wise. I took a vacation. But who am I? Who am I when I am alone? Without my kids? Without my work? Without Baha'i service? What do I do when it's me time? I think, I ponder, I reflect, I feel, I muse. I love those parts of me, I wouldn't let them go. But I feel like I should be doing more. I think I ought to do more art, in order, perhaps, to feel productive? Or to express these thoughts, feelings, musings, reflections?
Things are more stable now with my husband. Things are more stable for me and my kids. I am starting to develop more of a routine. I am happy to spend time with my kids, I don't get tired or angry being alone with them any longer, it took me a while to adapt to the new life of being a single mother. However, the thing I am struggling with now is myself and my own time and my own identity. Who am I when I don't have my kids? What do I do when they go see their dad? What is my routine? I am trying things out, I am trying out dancing, hanging out with friends, art, music, singing, walks, riding. One thing I noticed is that our apartment is very kid oriented, there is not much here for me, that is mine, or a place I can be that doesn't have some kid influence in it, there's my bedroom, but I haven't really set it up for anything other than sleeping, getting dressed and reading before bed in bed. The living room is like the play area, so always full of toys. Where is that adult area of the apartment?
I think I hide behind my kids, they stabilize me, I know what to do when they are with me. Have I always hidden being relationships? Did I hide behind my husband? "Merge too quickly", as they say? I think perhaps I used to, I think that I am learning more about who I am in relationship to the world.
I feel heartbroken. I feel like no one has ever loved me.
I realized that I am terrified of Boy. I realized that I am not in love with him at all. I am however, obsessed when it comes to him. He scares me. I don't see why he should, but he does. I think I have been traumatized by intimate relationships, first my mother, then my husband. I like Boy and because I like him I feel scared, like there will be pain there. I fear of allowing myself to get close to someone again.
Three times this year I have wanted to drink. I used to drink heavily, was I an alcoholic? I don't know. I stopped about seven years ago, when I went to India. I continued not drinking in India after I heard that Baha'is don't drink. I had, like any heavy drinker, tossed around the idea of stopping drinking every so often. And so I just stopped drinking. I had just as much fun without alcohol and didn't do stupid things and saved money. Then I became a Baha'i and just continued to not drink. There were some occasions when I missed it, but not many. On one occasion a few years back I was really panicky and angry and violent and kicking and punching walls, and I had shot of scotch to calm myself down. It helped.
I remember several years back, before I was married, and I was visiting my future husband. We had gone out for Purim (Israeli Halloween) and it's mandated to get drunk. So, he is not really a drinker, but he was quite drunk that night. Anyway, I was kissing him and his mouth tasted like alcohol - and to me, it tasted sweet. That was my first clue that perhaps I had an addictive relationship to alcohol.
So the other day I had the most intense desire to drink that I've ever had. My kids were with their dad and I was feeling feckless and restless. I was obsessed with the idea of drinking, especially sambuca shots, which used to be one of my preferred choices of getting wasted. I could taste the alcohol on my tongue. I came home, and I don't buy alcohol, but there was one beer in the house that my father left here once. I tried to distract myself, do other things, but I couldn't get this idea of drinking out of my head, I felt like I had lost a dear friend. So eventually, I opened up that can of beer and I inhaled the aroma. It smelled so good. I tasted a little and spat it out. The alcohol tasted so good. And then I called my friend and chatted with her a little and told her what was up. And then I poured the beer down the drain. *Sigh* I wonder if I am addicted to alcohol? I have never gone to an AA meeting, but considered it that night. Anyway, tonight, my friend is going to come with me to one, we'll see if it's for me. I feel a little silly going, I don't have a problem with drinking. But maybe there will be something helpful there for me. We'll see.
It's amazing how, just be following the laws and being a Baha'i you already make such a huge difference in your life. Daily prayer, not drinking, reading spiritual scripture, no lying, backbiting, gossiping, drugs, sex - there are all these areas where you cannot spend your energy, therefore, you are forced to channel your energy in other ways and those ways fuel growth. It's so cool!
In the beginning of the year I was obsessed with Boy but couldn't do anything about it due to the ramifications of the contracted year, and so I obsessed about wanting it, what I would do were it not for these limits. Now that the year is almost over, and there is nothing holding me back, I have an extreme aversion to the possibility of engaging any form of interaction with him. I feel like I just want to push him away. I don't understand. What are these feelings? This is weird. I guess I also feel a little embarrassed that I told him and so many others what was going on. Oy vey.
Even when I started this blog, I started it 'cause I had no idea how I was going to get through this year. I was terrified of being alone, I felt abandoned and traumatized. I felt raw and afraid and I didn't know where to go for shelter, or where to hide. I wanted desperately to be involved in another relationship. Now, I understand how sore I still am inside, how deeply I have been wounded by this marital breakup and how much healing and growth has come for my own self by not being in a relationship. I don't want to sacrifice that or bargain it away or compromise it. If a relationship comes, it comes, if not, I am totally happy with myself and my kids. And as I was writing above, I have found my groove in a number of ways already, the last frontier is finding my groove with myself.
I want to ask my husband out for coffee. Has he even thought at all about what he has done? Probably not, he has just made me the aggressor, him the victim and found a soft, sympathetic, woman to sooth and comfort him. Tsk tsk. It pains me the choice he has made. Things would have settled down, all he needed to do was to get a job, and stay committed. It would have all settled and passed. This way he has torn apart our family, created a struggle for me, created a step-family for himself and our kids and committed himself to a new relationship without even pausing to assess what happened in this one! How stupid is that?! I don't understand it one bit.
However, it's just so bloody normal. It's just so human. That's what people do. That's what we do if we lack direction. And direction comes from faith. Praised be God for making me believe in His faith! It has saved me from so many disasters. Single best decision I ever made was to be a Baha'i.
I would take my husband back. I would forgive all and take him back. Am I too forgiving? I thought that I wasn't a forgiving person, but I guess I am. It's just easier to forgive someone that to hold on to being angry at them.
I don't know what to call my husband anymore. He used to just be my husband, sure there were problems, but by referring to him, I didn't need to get into a dramatic narrative. Now, if I say "ex-husband" people know that I was married, had problems, divorced and I feel like it's dismissive of the union we once had in this world and will forever have in the next world. If I say "kids' dad", then it doesn't show that we were married. Some other suggestions have been, former husband, and first husband. He will always be my husband. I don't see how he could be anything else. I will always love him, care for him, worry for him, pray for him and wish him all the best. He made a good choice by marrying me. It's too bad, he didn't have that trust in himself, in God, to see it through. At the same time, his choices pain me, but that is part of love. You love someone and you don't get to choose their choices for them, you just love them. He's my husband who walked out on me, abandoned me emotionally, abused me, disrespected me, blamed me, was unfaithful to me and took our marriage vows lightly - but we got married. We shared joys together, our home, our hearts, our bodies, our souls, we had two children, we laughed together, planned together, lived together, loved together. How can that experience ever pass into something else?
And yet, I imagine that in time, it will. Time will go on, we will form new attachments (some of us quicker than others), have new experiences, meet new people, perhaps re-marry, and that bond will dissolve. I will know when I die, if that bond remains in the spiritual world. I think it could. If I continue to care for him and pray for him, I think we could still be spiritual partners in the next world. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that there is no limit to the amount of spiritual unions one can have in the next world. I am sure I will get to visit with my first husband then.
But his new relationship perplexes me. I don't understand why she would get involved with him, he's a bad investment! He's got tons of emotional baggage, just left a marriage, walked out on his wife and kids - how is that a man you want to make a partnership with. If it were a business venture would you operate a business with someone who left his former business partner with debt, a ruined operation and wanted to jump right into another one? No way!
I feel feckless. I wonder what I am doing with myself. My kids are fine. I am moving forward career wise. I took a vacation. But who am I? Who am I when I am alone? Without my kids? Without my work? Without Baha'i service? What do I do when it's me time? I think, I ponder, I reflect, I feel, I muse. I love those parts of me, I wouldn't let them go. But I feel like I should be doing more. I think I ought to do more art, in order, perhaps, to feel productive? Or to express these thoughts, feelings, musings, reflections?
Things are more stable now with my husband. Things are more stable for me and my kids. I am starting to develop more of a routine. I am happy to spend time with my kids, I don't get tired or angry being alone with them any longer, it took me a while to adapt to the new life of being a single mother. However, the thing I am struggling with now is myself and my own time and my own identity. Who am I when I don't have my kids? What do I do when they go see their dad? What is my routine? I am trying things out, I am trying out dancing, hanging out with friends, art, music, singing, walks, riding. One thing I noticed is that our apartment is very kid oriented, there is not much here for me, that is mine, or a place I can be that doesn't have some kid influence in it, there's my bedroom, but I haven't really set it up for anything other than sleeping, getting dressed and reading before bed in bed. The living room is like the play area, so always full of toys. Where is that adult area of the apartment?
I think I hide behind my kids, they stabilize me, I know what to do when they are with me. Have I always hidden being relationships? Did I hide behind my husband? "Merge too quickly", as they say? I think perhaps I used to, I think that I am learning more about who I am in relationship to the world.
I feel heartbroken. I feel like no one has ever loved me.
I realized that I am terrified of Boy. I realized that I am not in love with him at all. I am however, obsessed when it comes to him. He scares me. I don't see why he should, but he does. I think I have been traumatized by intimate relationships, first my mother, then my husband. I like Boy and because I like him I feel scared, like there will be pain there. I fear of allowing myself to get close to someone again.
Three times this year I have wanted to drink. I used to drink heavily, was I an alcoholic? I don't know. I stopped about seven years ago, when I went to India. I continued not drinking in India after I heard that Baha'is don't drink. I had, like any heavy drinker, tossed around the idea of stopping drinking every so often. And so I just stopped drinking. I had just as much fun without alcohol and didn't do stupid things and saved money. Then I became a Baha'i and just continued to not drink. There were some occasions when I missed it, but not many. On one occasion a few years back I was really panicky and angry and violent and kicking and punching walls, and I had shot of scotch to calm myself down. It helped.
I remember several years back, before I was married, and I was visiting my future husband. We had gone out for Purim (Israeli Halloween) and it's mandated to get drunk. So, he is not really a drinker, but he was quite drunk that night. Anyway, I was kissing him and his mouth tasted like alcohol - and to me, it tasted sweet. That was my first clue that perhaps I had an addictive relationship to alcohol.
So the other day I had the most intense desire to drink that I've ever had. My kids were with their dad and I was feeling feckless and restless. I was obsessed with the idea of drinking, especially sambuca shots, which used to be one of my preferred choices of getting wasted. I could taste the alcohol on my tongue. I came home, and I don't buy alcohol, but there was one beer in the house that my father left here once. I tried to distract myself, do other things, but I couldn't get this idea of drinking out of my head, I felt like I had lost a dear friend. So eventually, I opened up that can of beer and I inhaled the aroma. It smelled so good. I tasted a little and spat it out. The alcohol tasted so good. And then I called my friend and chatted with her a little and told her what was up. And then I poured the beer down the drain. *Sigh* I wonder if I am addicted to alcohol? I have never gone to an AA meeting, but considered it that night. Anyway, tonight, my friend is going to come with me to one, we'll see if it's for me. I feel a little silly going, I don't have a problem with drinking. But maybe there will be something helpful there for me. We'll see.
It's amazing how, just be following the laws and being a Baha'i you already make such a huge difference in your life. Daily prayer, not drinking, reading spiritual scripture, no lying, backbiting, gossiping, drugs, sex - there are all these areas where you cannot spend your energy, therefore, you are forced to channel your energy in other ways and those ways fuel growth. It's so cool!
In the beginning of the year I was obsessed with Boy but couldn't do anything about it due to the ramifications of the contracted year, and so I obsessed about wanting it, what I would do were it not for these limits. Now that the year is almost over, and there is nothing holding me back, I have an extreme aversion to the possibility of engaging any form of interaction with him. I feel like I just want to push him away. I don't understand. What are these feelings? This is weird. I guess I also feel a little embarrassed that I told him and so many others what was going on. Oy vey.
Even when I started this blog, I started it 'cause I had no idea how I was going to get through this year. I was terrified of being alone, I felt abandoned and traumatized. I felt raw and afraid and I didn't know where to go for shelter, or where to hide. I wanted desperately to be involved in another relationship. Now, I understand how sore I still am inside, how deeply I have been wounded by this marital breakup and how much healing and growth has come for my own self by not being in a relationship. I don't want to sacrifice that or bargain it away or compromise it. If a relationship comes, it comes, if not, I am totally happy with myself and my kids. And as I was writing above, I have found my groove in a number of ways already, the last frontier is finding my groove with myself.
I want to ask my husband out for coffee. Has he even thought at all about what he has done? Probably not, he has just made me the aggressor, him the victim and found a soft, sympathetic, woman to sooth and comfort him. Tsk tsk. It pains me the choice he has made. Things would have settled down, all he needed to do was to get a job, and stay committed. It would have all settled and passed. This way he has torn apart our family, created a struggle for me, created a step-family for himself and our kids and committed himself to a new relationship without even pausing to assess what happened in this one! How stupid is that?! I don't understand it one bit.
However, it's just so bloody normal. It's just so human. That's what people do. That's what we do if we lack direction. And direction comes from faith. Praised be God for making me believe in His faith! It has saved me from so many disasters. Single best decision I ever made was to be a Baha'i.
I would take my husband back. I would forgive all and take him back. Am I too forgiving? I thought that I wasn't a forgiving person, but I guess I am. It's just easier to forgive someone that to hold on to being angry at them.
I don't know what to call my husband anymore. He used to just be my husband, sure there were problems, but by referring to him, I didn't need to get into a dramatic narrative. Now, if I say "ex-husband" people know that I was married, had problems, divorced and I feel like it's dismissive of the union we once had in this world and will forever have in the next world. If I say "kids' dad", then it doesn't show that we were married. Some other suggestions have been, former husband, and first husband. He will always be my husband. I don't see how he could be anything else. I will always love him, care for him, worry for him, pray for him and wish him all the best. He made a good choice by marrying me. It's too bad, he didn't have that trust in himself, in God, to see it through. At the same time, his choices pain me, but that is part of love. You love someone and you don't get to choose their choices for them, you just love them. He's my husband who walked out on me, abandoned me emotionally, abused me, disrespected me, blamed me, was unfaithful to me and took our marriage vows lightly - but we got married. We shared joys together, our home, our hearts, our bodies, our souls, we had two children, we laughed together, planned together, lived together, loved together. How can that experience ever pass into something else?
And yet, I imagine that in time, it will. Time will go on, we will form new attachments (some of us quicker than others), have new experiences, meet new people, perhaps re-marry, and that bond will dissolve. I will know when I die, if that bond remains in the spiritual world. I think it could. If I continue to care for him and pray for him, I think we could still be spiritual partners in the next world. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that there is no limit to the amount of spiritual unions one can have in the next world. I am sure I will get to visit with my first husband then.
But his new relationship perplexes me. I don't understand why she would get involved with him, he's a bad investment! He's got tons of emotional baggage, just left a marriage, walked out on his wife and kids - how is that a man you want to make a partnership with. If it were a business venture would you operate a business with someone who left his former business partner with debt, a ruined operation and wanted to jump right into another one? No way!
Sarah M's Perfect Girl
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
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