I've been thinking about attractions recently. There is this guy who is cute and playful and likes me ... and well, hey, it's fun to flirt a little with him. Flirting is fun, only as long as it doesn't get too serious.
However, attraction can be potentially dangerous. For instance, I would avoid being in intimate situations with this guy, or one on one with him in private. And as far the he goes, a relationship would never work between us. There would be too much that he would have to change or learn or grow in, in order for me to consider marrying him. However, we can certainly be friends, and love one another that way, as friends. But were it not for attraction we wouldn't be becoming friends. It seems like attraction is a fine line to walk.
There is this other guy who I sometimes play music with and he's a total cutie too, very charming and flirty. But not with me. In fact, I have never picked up that sort of vibe from him, and the relationship is different between us, sort of more laid back.
And then there is the guy who I've been fixated on all year. There was definitely attraction between us in the beginning of this year. And it freaked me out. So I pushed it and him far away in the hopes of getting it out of my life. And it didn't work. The only thing that worked was processing it and learning to deal with it, work with it, detach from it.
The thing with that situation is that I've never been in that dynamic before. I've never liked a guy and not been able to get a clear read of whether he liked me because he's aware of YOW stipulations and even if he did like me wouldn't allow himself to be aware of it, so I just pushed the whole thing away, perhaps in the hopes of having some drama there.
There was an older man I was thinking of today as a possible potential, and I was wondering if I could ever be with an older man. He's mature, intelligent, dynamic, thoughtful ... and married. For me, that's an easy boundary to respect. However, I definitely sensed a potential for a vibe from him too.
I'm youthful, attractive, fun - I am attractive to a lot of people, and men.
The thing with this other guy, the guy who likes me, is that it's a totally familiar dynamic. I am used to guys liking me and me keeping a boundary there. So I know that I can become friends with him - it's a familiar script.
I guess the thing with the year long obsession guy is that I figured he couldn't possibly be interested in me that way, due to his knowing the YOW rules and being so obedient as he is. So I couldn't play my standard role, of keeping the guy at a comfortable flirtation level of distance, as he was not pursuing. Except that he was. And I was.
I feel lonely sometimes. I read in some book about how a girl ought to have different guys, like different outfits, for different moods and occasions. So, I feel like I have that now - I have a guy to do things with, a guy to play music with, guys to play games with - and I am building my guy wardrobe, keeping with the analogy ;)
But who is the guy that I can go on adventures with, laugh with, snuggle next to, trust with my kids, plan finances with, who will cheer me up after a long day, who will respect me, take responsibility for his own growth, who will hold me when I just want to cry, with whom I can create the love, unity and respect that I know a family bond ought to have? Who is the guy who will give me my independence and freedom and still be there when I need closeness, comfort and reassurance? Who is strong enough and mature enough, secure enough to offer me that? And then at the same time, maybe I don't need *all* that.
Maybe for now, all I need is to build my wardrobe and just explore male female friendships without it being heavy with the weight of a relationship. That sounds like a good plan and place to start.
I am starting to get closure with my marriage. I'll write more about that some other time. It's late. Good night.
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