Sarah Mclachlan has wonderful lyrics. She describes love perfectly. Heartbreak. Sadness. Courage. Faith. Growth. She is an inspiring soul.
I feel feckless. I wonder what I am doing with myself. My kids are fine. I am moving forward career wise. I took a vacation. But who am I? Who am I when I am alone? Without my kids? Without my work? Without Baha'i service? What do I do when it's me time? I think, I ponder, I reflect, I feel, I muse. I love those parts of me, I wouldn't let them go. But I feel like I should be doing more. I think I ought to do more art, in order, perhaps, to feel productive? Or to express these thoughts, feelings, musings, reflections?
Things are more stable now with my husband. Things are more stable for me and my kids. I am starting to develop more of a routine. I am happy to spend time with my kids, I don't get tired or angry being alone with them any longer, it took me a while to adapt to the new life of being a single mother. However, the thing I am struggling with now is myself and my own time and my own identity. Who am I when I don't have my kids? What do I do when they go see their dad? What is my routine? I am trying things out, I am trying out dancing, hanging out with friends, art, music, singing, walks, riding. One thing I noticed is that our apartment is very kid oriented, there is not much here for me, that is mine, or a place I can be that doesn't have some kid influence in it, there's my bedroom, but I haven't really set it up for anything other than sleeping, getting dressed and reading before bed in bed. The living room is like the play area, so always full of toys. Where is that adult area of the apartment?
I think I hide behind my kids, they stabilize me, I know what to do when they are with me. Have I always hidden being relationships? Did I hide behind my husband? "Merge too quickly", as they say? I think perhaps I used to, I think that I am learning more about who I am in relationship to the world.
I feel heartbroken. I feel like no one has ever loved me.
I realized that I am terrified of Boy. I realized that I am not in love with him at all. I am however, obsessed when it comes to him. He scares me. I don't see why he should, but he does. I think I have been traumatized by intimate relationships, first my mother, then my husband. I like Boy and because I like him I feel scared, like there will be pain there. I fear of allowing myself to get close to someone again.
Three times this year I have wanted to drink. I used to drink heavily, was I an alcoholic? I don't know. I stopped about seven years ago, when I went to India. I continued not drinking in India after I heard that Baha'is don't drink. I had, like any heavy drinker, tossed around the idea of stopping drinking every so often. And so I just stopped drinking. I had just as much fun without alcohol and didn't do stupid things and saved money. Then I became a Baha'i and just continued to not drink. There were some occasions when I missed it, but not many. On one occasion a few years back I was really panicky and angry and violent and kicking and punching walls, and I had shot of scotch to calm myself down. It helped.
I remember several years back, before I was married, and I was visiting my future husband. We had gone out for Purim (Israeli Halloween) and it's mandated to get drunk. So, he is not really a drinker, but he was quite drunk that night. Anyway, I was kissing him and his mouth tasted like alcohol - and to me, it tasted sweet. That was my first clue that perhaps I had an addictive relationship to alcohol.
So the other day I had the most intense desire to drink that I've ever had. My kids were with their dad and I was feeling feckless and restless. I was obsessed with the idea of drinking, especially sambuca shots, which used to be one of my preferred choices of getting wasted. I could taste the alcohol on my tongue. I came home, and I don't buy alcohol, but there was one beer in the house that my father left here once. I tried to distract myself, do other things, but I couldn't get this idea of drinking out of my head, I felt like I had lost a dear friend. So eventually, I opened up that can of beer and I inhaled the aroma. It smelled so good. I tasted a little and spat it out. The alcohol tasted so good. And then I called my friend and chatted with her a little and told her what was up. And then I poured the beer down the drain. *Sigh* I wonder if I am addicted to alcohol? I have never gone to an AA meeting, but considered it that night. Anyway, tonight, my friend is going to come with me to one, we'll see if it's for me. I feel a little silly going, I don't have a problem with drinking. But maybe there will be something helpful there for me. We'll see.
It's amazing how, just be following the laws and being a Baha'i you already make such a huge difference in your life. Daily prayer, not drinking, reading spiritual scripture, no lying, backbiting, gossiping, drugs, sex - there are all these areas where you cannot spend your energy, therefore, you are forced to channel your energy in other ways and those ways fuel growth. It's so cool!
In the beginning of the year I was obsessed with Boy but couldn't do anything about it due to the ramifications of the contracted year, and so I obsessed about wanting it, what I would do were it not for these limits. Now that the year is almost over, and there is nothing holding me back, I have an extreme aversion to the possibility of engaging any form of interaction with him. I feel like I just want to push him away. I don't understand. What are these feelings? This is weird. I guess I also feel a little embarrassed that I told him and so many others what was going on. Oy vey.
Even when I started this blog, I started it 'cause I had no idea how I was going to get through this year. I was terrified of being alone, I felt abandoned and traumatized. I felt raw and afraid and I didn't know where to go for shelter, or where to hide. I wanted desperately to be involved in another relationship. Now, I understand how sore I still am inside, how deeply I have been wounded by this marital breakup and how much healing and growth has come for my own self by not being in a relationship. I don't want to sacrifice that or bargain it away or compromise it. If a relationship comes, it comes, if not, I am totally happy with myself and my kids. And as I was writing above, I have found my groove in a number of ways already, the last frontier is finding my groove with myself.
I want to ask my husband out for coffee. Has he even thought at all about what he has done? Probably not, he has just made me the aggressor, him the victim and found a soft, sympathetic, woman to sooth and comfort him. Tsk tsk. It pains me the choice he has made. Things would have settled down, all he needed to do was to get a job, and stay committed. It would have all settled and passed. This way he has torn apart our family, created a struggle for me, created a step-family for himself and our kids and committed himself to a new relationship without even pausing to assess what happened in this one! How stupid is that?! I don't understand it one bit.
However, it's just so bloody normal. It's just so human. That's what people do. That's what we do if we lack direction. And direction comes from faith. Praised be God for making me believe in His faith! It has saved me from so many disasters. Single best decision I ever made was to be a Baha'i.
I would take my husband back. I would forgive all and take him back. Am I too forgiving? I thought that I wasn't a forgiving person, but I guess I am. It's just easier to forgive someone that to hold on to being angry at them.
I don't know what to call my husband anymore. He used to just be my husband, sure there were problems, but by referring to him, I didn't need to get into a dramatic narrative. Now, if I say "ex-husband" people know that I was married, had problems, divorced and I feel like it's dismissive of the union we once had in this world and will forever have in the next world. If I say "kids' dad", then it doesn't show that we were married. Some other suggestions have been, former husband, and first husband. He will always be my husband. I don't see how he could be anything else. I will always love him, care for him, worry for him, pray for him and wish him all the best. He made a good choice by marrying me. It's too bad, he didn't have that trust in himself, in God, to see it through. At the same time, his choices pain me, but that is part of love. You love someone and you don't get to choose their choices for them, you just love them. He's my husband who walked out on me, abandoned me emotionally, abused me, disrespected me, blamed me, was unfaithful to me and took our marriage vows lightly - but we got married. We shared joys together, our home, our hearts, our bodies, our souls, we had two children, we laughed together, planned together, lived together, loved together. How can that experience ever pass into something else?
And yet, I imagine that in time, it will. Time will go on, we will form new attachments (some of us quicker than others), have new experiences, meet new people, perhaps re-marry, and that bond will dissolve. I will know when I die, if that bond remains in the spiritual world. I think it could. If I continue to care for him and pray for him, I think we could still be spiritual partners in the next world. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that there is no limit to the amount of spiritual unions one can have in the next world. I am sure I will get to visit with my first husband then.
But his new relationship perplexes me. I don't understand why she would get involved with him, he's a bad investment! He's got tons of emotional baggage, just left a marriage, walked out on his wife and kids - how is that a man you want to make a partnership with. If it were a business venture would you operate a business with someone who left his former business partner with debt, a ruined operation and wanted to jump right into another one? No way!
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