Could my life get any better? I feel so happy now.
I have done some pretty risky things in my life. I didn't really take anything seriously. The only thing that used to really trip me up was relationships. That's likely where all my major learning and growth came from. At present, relationships don't trip me up as they used to, I have more detachment to them. And I also take other things more seriously, therefore growth can occur in a more proportional way.
There is this line is a prayer "protect me from violent tests". By being mindful, one is protected, by having fear of God one sees the test when it is subtle and learns, rather than needing to continue a pattern until a test manifests violently. Does that make sense? Or how does that fit with the idea of powerlessness? Perhaps really it is nothing to do with the person and their spiritual sensitivity, perhaps it is just God's will - but, one's spiritual sensitivity is bestowed by God as well.
A dear friend said that in his opinion the paradox comes from us thinking that our will and God's will are somehow equatable, when in fact they are totally not. I should just stop thinking about this. I'm not going to get an answer.
Suffice it to say, praise be to God for protecting me from violent tests!
I had a dream a while back where I actually understood the relationship between my will and God's will. I was in a clearing in a forest and there were rocks and it was just me and it was being explained to me and I got it, and it made perfect sense, and when I awoke during the night, I remember thinking, "of course", but when I woke up in the morning, I had no idea what the explanation was, I simply remembered that it had been crystal clear to me. I think of a couple of things here, one is that perhaps in a spiritual level it is clear and it's just not something that can be grasped cognitively and secondly, it doesn't really fascinate me so much because I know that on some level I do understand it, and it is a moot point to my present condition.
I'm going horse back riding tomorrow for in the mountains. I am so excited!
Lamb
Almost 2.5 months left till the end of the YOW. And I don't feel as tense about it anymore. I feel more at peace with the passage of time. It will pass, and it will go out calmly and meekly, not like it came in. It's like March, in like a lion, out like a lamb. That's how this year came in and will likely go out. This year has been a period of marking time, of active waiting. What will happen in the fall when I am not waiting for anything anymore? Am I sensing the start of that again in myself? Previous to this YOW I didn't count time the same way, I am not sure anyone really does, other than prisoners. But I trusted in the process and in letting the time pass, and I let it pass very intensely, which is how I do all things. And I've learned that time does pass and I've learned patience and allowing things to pass, detachment too. I feel almost as if the year is starting to be over already. There will be no grand finale, it will simply slowly peter out. It's peaceful.
I can almost say that I am watching my marriage pass and the passing is peaceful. Like the passing of a dear loved one. There is great emotion that accompanies it, and there always will be. Will my marriage exist still, in the spiritual realm, just like souls exist even after they pass from this world? I hope so. My DH and I should always exist as a unit. I love him dearly. I always will. I don't agree with his choices, I don't support his actions, or how he chooses to live his life, but I love him. And I will love him forever. Hence, our marriage will exist on some level forever. There is comfort in knowing that. There is comfort in knowing that the joy we experienced when we met and fell in love will always be there between us and in the spiritual realm, that will be what remains.
Ya Baha'u'llah Abha!
I can almost say that I am watching my marriage pass and the passing is peaceful. Like the passing of a dear loved one. There is great emotion that accompanies it, and there always will be. Will my marriage exist still, in the spiritual realm, just like souls exist even after they pass from this world? I hope so. My DH and I should always exist as a unit. I love him dearly. I always will. I don't agree with his choices, I don't support his actions, or how he chooses to live his life, but I love him. And I will love him forever. Hence, our marriage will exist on some level forever. There is comfort in knowing that. There is comfort in knowing that the joy we experienced when we met and fell in love will always be there between us and in the spiritual realm, that will be what remains.
O God, my God! This Thy handmaid is calling upon Thee, trusting in Thee, turning her face unto Thee, imploring Thee to shed thy heavenly bounties upon her, and to disclose unto her Thy spiritual mysteries, and to cast upon her the lights of Thy Godhead.
O my Lord! Make the eyes of my husband to see. Rejoice Thou his heart with the light of the knowledge of Thee, draw Thou his mind unto Thy luminous beauty, cheer Thou his spirit by revealing unto him Thy manifest splendors.
O my Lord! Lift Thou the veil from before his sight. Rain down Thy plenteous bounties upon him, intoxicate him with the wine of love for Thee, make him one of Thy angels whose feet walk upon this earth even as their souls are soaring through the high heavens. Cause him to become a brilliant lamp, shining out with the light of Thy wisdom in the midst of Thy people.
Verily, Thou art the Precious, the Ever-Bestowing, the Open of Hand.
‘Abdu’l-Bahá
Ya Baha'u'llah Abha!
It's a new dawn, it's new day! (nina simone)
Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And Im feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And Im feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
Chess
This YOW has really been a Year for Me. I am well pleased with it thus far. My DH and I had an awful marriage. I tried and I tried for five years to make it work. It never worked it got worse, even though I got better. It was like this constant weight weighing me down, I felt like all my spiritual energy was constantly going to the marriage. This year I have learned to fly, I never flew with my husband. This year I'm soaring. Even though to outward eyes this is a straining and difficult time I am having a excellent year. I have realized that I sing and write songs and play guitar. I have realized how much love I can receive and give from and to my friends. I have realized the support of the Baha'i Community around me. I have realized the depth of my male friendships. I have gotten to know communication patterns.
It is still a little scary, being alone. The scary part, or the part I am still working on is managing myself and my own emotions and thoughts and setting boundaries for myself. It will get easier in time.
As for Boy, I realize that firstly, any evaluation of his feeling towards me or mine towards him is vastly premature. A YOW cannot present an accurate representation of a potential romantic dynamic. Secondly, I realize that he may not be interested in exploring what it is between us. I am. He may not be. And that has very little to do with me, actually, it's more to do with where he is at and his willingness to take risks and be in a relationship, what his current priorities are. I am in a different place, I am willing to take risks and be in a relationship.
I am relationship oriented. The thing that I need to look out for is putting too much of my emotion into the relationship before it calls for it. It has to be mutual, like a chess game. White makes a move, then black, then white, then black. It can't be just white or just black making 90% of the moves, which is what it was like with my husband and what it sort of had been like with Boy, even though there's nothing really going on.
It is still a little scary, being alone. The scary part, or the part I am still working on is managing myself and my own emotions and thoughts and setting boundaries for myself. It will get easier in time.
As for Boy, I realize that firstly, any evaluation of his feeling towards me or mine towards him is vastly premature. A YOW cannot present an accurate representation of a potential romantic dynamic. Secondly, I realize that he may not be interested in exploring what it is between us. I am. He may not be. And that has very little to do with me, actually, it's more to do with where he is at and his willingness to take risks and be in a relationship, what his current priorities are. I am in a different place, I am willing to take risks and be in a relationship.
I am relationship oriented. The thing that I need to look out for is putting too much of my emotion into the relationship before it calls for it. It has to be mutual, like a chess game. White makes a move, then black, then white, then black. It can't be just white or just black making 90% of the moves, which is what it was like with my husband and what it sort of had been like with Boy, even though there's nothing really going on.
Torn
I feel torn apart. There is so much wisdom to this year. I am so tired, but I keep playing The Book of Love on the guitar, and staying up and feeling and feeling. It has been 9 months and I still feel torn inside. The end of a marriage, this is huge. It has torn me apart. I am coming to an acceptance of this part of my life being over. It was an awful marriage. We had a bad partnership. But it was still a marriage and I loved it. And I do love it. Somehow, this dynamic with Boy was a perfect dynamic for me to have during this year. I worked through the death of my marriage through that dynamic. I don't think he understands what was going on. I am just beginning to understand it.
btw
I did get a reply btw from the UHJ. Basically I am on the right track, stay committed to my part of the YOW even though he is not.
The Book of Love - this is what my marriage should be
The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings
The Book of Me
The year is almost over. I feel tired, sad. I am having fun, my life is moving on. I go out dancing and guys hit on me and I enjoy the attention, but I still don't want this. I want my husband to commit to this marriage, I want him to grow into his potential. I want our family together. I realize that I have to let this go and I cried so hard today when I realized that it is in fact ending and will be over soon.
And then it will just be me. Sometimes I'll be with the girls, sometimes I'll be with friends, sometimes I'll be with guys, but I will always be with me. One dear friend and therapist said to me to write the Book of Me. The Book of Me and My DH is closed now. And now I can write the Book of Me.
Why is it that the Book of Me somehow always involves a guy? I am still in love with Boy. Although today a friend told me that Boy said he's not into me other than as a friend. It hit me hard to hear that. I fell apart, couldn't concentrate.
This has been an excellent year for friendships. My friendships have deepened and have really grown into very strong supports, both ways. What a wonderful blessing.
I am lonely though. I realized today that I love my husband and I am committed to this marriage. I have been saying it all along that I love him and that I'm committed, but I realized that I really am in love with him and committed. I would still want to work on saving this relationship. Of course that is not going to happen, anytime this year so far that I have suggested to him to work on the marriage he has always been uninterested. I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am going back to school in the fall, I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to this year being done and over. I am looking forward to being emotionally free to make choices about romantic involvement again. Perhaps I will choose to not be involved, but I am looking forward to the freedom of choice. The nice thing is that this year has given me the opportunity to discover myself and discover resources within me and around me for supporting myself emotionally. It has been a wonderful year. I have found myself and I will never lose myself again (In Shallah).
I am going in a horse back riding vacation this week, for five days in the mountains. I am looking forward to it.
I want to start to write the Book of Me. Perhaps it will be a picture book? Perhaps I can have a blog? Perhaps a photo and entry every month or so? I am looking forward to my life. And I feel bad for the children. It shouldn't be this way.
I am looking forward to navigating my life the way I want, organizing it the way I want. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship. At the end of this year I will just be happy to be free.
And then it will just be me. Sometimes I'll be with the girls, sometimes I'll be with friends, sometimes I'll be with guys, but I will always be with me. One dear friend and therapist said to me to write the Book of Me. The Book of Me and My DH is closed now. And now I can write the Book of Me.
Why is it that the Book of Me somehow always involves a guy? I am still in love with Boy. Although today a friend told me that Boy said he's not into me other than as a friend. It hit me hard to hear that. I fell apart, couldn't concentrate.
This has been an excellent year for friendships. My friendships have deepened and have really grown into very strong supports, both ways. What a wonderful blessing.
I am lonely though. I realized today that I love my husband and I am committed to this marriage. I have been saying it all along that I love him and that I'm committed, but I realized that I really am in love with him and committed. I would still want to work on saving this relationship. Of course that is not going to happen, anytime this year so far that I have suggested to him to work on the marriage he has always been uninterested. I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am going back to school in the fall, I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to this year being done and over. I am looking forward to being emotionally free to make choices about romantic involvement again. Perhaps I will choose to not be involved, but I am looking forward to the freedom of choice. The nice thing is that this year has given me the opportunity to discover myself and discover resources within me and around me for supporting myself emotionally. It has been a wonderful year. I have found myself and I will never lose myself again (In Shallah).
I am going in a horse back riding vacation this week, for five days in the mountains. I am looking forward to it.
I want to start to write the Book of Me. Perhaps it will be a picture book? Perhaps I can have a blog? Perhaps a photo and entry every month or so? I am looking forward to my life. And I feel bad for the children. It shouldn't be this way.
I am looking forward to navigating my life the way I want, organizing it the way I want. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship. At the end of this year I will just be happy to be free.
Boundaries
I'm not interested in you
I've got my own things to do
My cup of woe to swallow
My own path to follow
My mind, she won't cooperate
I draw the line, reach a stalemate
Why can't I just forget about you
And concentrate on what I want to do?
There's nothing here and yet I hold on
When it should be God's Will that I depend upon
Help to me to stop thinking of him
Don't leave me swaying on my passion's whim
I've had enough of this energy drain
You get in my way, spiritual wolf's bane
I'm done, I say, I want nothing of this
Except perhaps, a single kiss?
A perpetual player on my conscious' stage
You dance around, spinning, I can't help but engage
It'd be best to leave you to spin alone
Yet these curiosities and temptations, I haven't outgrown
I want peace and stillness,
Not lovesick illness
I don't want these idle fancies and dreams
Please deliver me Lord, from these extremes.
I've got my own things to do
My cup of woe to swallow
My own path to follow
My mind, she won't cooperate
I draw the line, reach a stalemate
Why can't I just forget about you
And concentrate on what I want to do?
There's nothing here and yet I hold on
When it should be God's Will that I depend upon
Help to me to stop thinking of him
Don't leave me swaying on my passion's whim
I've had enough of this energy drain
You get in my way, spiritual wolf's bane
I'm done, I say, I want nothing of this
Except perhaps, a single kiss?
A perpetual player on my conscious' stage
You dance around, spinning, I can't help but engage
It'd be best to leave you to spin alone
Yet these curiosities and temptations, I haven't outgrown
I want peace and stillness,
Not lovesick illness
I don't want these idle fancies and dreams
Please deliver me Lord, from these extremes.
Desire
I just watched Marley & Me. I love the relationship that the couple has in that movie. They have a true partnership, a spiritual union, a rich family life - lots of love and blessings of God. I think that is the best marriage I have seen portrayed in film. It’s not this shallow co-dependent romantic love relationship where the story ends as soon as the couple falls in love. This is the story that continues to show how a couple resolves difficulties and stays committed and makes the right choices when faced with challenging and normal human conditions such as young children, stress, career crisis, personal growth questions.
This is a realistic portrayal of a marriage. This is the kind of marriage I would like to have.
This boy that I am in love with. He is a good man. Praised be God that I’ve fallen in love with a good man versus an immature, selfish, materialistic man, which is what I’ve always fallen for before. It shows that I’ve grown. Praise be to God that I’ve grown. And praise be to God that I’m staying steadfast and for giving me the strength to stay obedient to the Laws of the YOW even in the face of the temptation of such strong emotions and desires and natural impulses. Thanks be to Thee O my God! For Thou has awakened me and made me conscious, Thou has favoured me with a seeing eye and a hearing ear.
I keep thinking to the end of this year and wondering if I will still feel this way toward him. It’s obvious that it’s over between my husband and myself. In other relationships I have always gotten bored of the man I was with. The fizz burned out, so to say. Although, it’s also true that I’ve never been in a relationship where it was mutual. Where both of us were working on the relationship. This thing between me and Boy, it’s different than anything I’ve ever experienced.
My heart feels very full at the moment. It gets fuller and fuller. I want to share it, my heart, my thoughts, my life, with this boy. I want to have with him what John and Jenny have in the movie.
I respect him a lot. This whole year he has been very sweet, offering his help in whichever way he could and anytime I told him to back off, he did and he understood and now I've told him to totally back off, he totally has, and he is still very respectful and giving me lots of space. I admire him. I pray for him often. I wish him all the best.
I don't know what God's plan is for me, for him. I don't know if I'll be interested once I am free to consider that possibility. I don't know if he will be interested. I don't know if once we can investigate this thing between us, if it will be something we want to pursue. And, come the end of the year, I don't know how to do this. I've been in relationships before, lots of them, but never one where I put God's Will first (well, except for my marriage...), or perhaps I should say, never one where I put God's Will first to this extent. The burning question which I want an answer to is how does he feel about me?
He is in my dreams often, almost every night, playing a supporting role now, not a principle actor. How does he feel about me? He must have considered it by now.
This year has been really good for me. I've re-found myself. I've realized that I love dancing, I love to read, I love to write about my thoughts and feelings, I love to talk to friends, play games, take my dog for walks, play with my kids, pray, get to know people. I don't like to cook daily, I need lots of time to myself, people like me, I've learned that I need support, not a lot but I do need some, I've learned to ask for help, to trust in God to be able to ask for help. I've learned that I can appreciate myself and love myself and that I am worthy of love and worth loving, I don't need anyone else to tell me that or to make me feel worthy. I've learned to take good care of myself and to draw boundaries to ensure that I am properly cared for, with my friends, my family, my soon-to-be ex, and my kids. My life is rich. I recognize the richness of my life now. Praise be to God for leading me to recognize the beauty and richness and abundance of my life. Praise be to God that my efforts in His path have been confirmed.
I know that the next few months will pass by quickly. I don't expect anything to majorly change come the end of the year.
I guess what I can work on now with myself is to be content with the decree of God for me, no matter what happens at the end of this year.
This year has certainly had some unexpected twists. Who would have thought that I would fall in love with someone else? And a great guy too? And that I'd stay away from it?
O God! Let me cease to discover any desire within me save what Thou didst desire.
This is a realistic portrayal of a marriage. This is the kind of marriage I would like to have.
This boy that I am in love with. He is a good man. Praised be God that I’ve fallen in love with a good man versus an immature, selfish, materialistic man, which is what I’ve always fallen for before. It shows that I’ve grown. Praise be to God that I’ve grown. And praise be to God that I’m staying steadfast and for giving me the strength to stay obedient to the Laws of the YOW even in the face of the temptation of such strong emotions and desires and natural impulses. Thanks be to Thee O my God! For Thou has awakened me and made me conscious, Thou has favoured me with a seeing eye and a hearing ear.
I keep thinking to the end of this year and wondering if I will still feel this way toward him. It’s obvious that it’s over between my husband and myself. In other relationships I have always gotten bored of the man I was with. The fizz burned out, so to say. Although, it’s also true that I’ve never been in a relationship where it was mutual. Where both of us were working on the relationship. This thing between me and Boy, it’s different than anything I’ve ever experienced.
My heart feels very full at the moment. It gets fuller and fuller. I want to share it, my heart, my thoughts, my life, with this boy. I want to have with him what John and Jenny have in the movie.
I respect him a lot. This whole year he has been very sweet, offering his help in whichever way he could and anytime I told him to back off, he did and he understood and now I've told him to totally back off, he totally has, and he is still very respectful and giving me lots of space. I admire him. I pray for him often. I wish him all the best.
I don't know what God's plan is for me, for him. I don't know if I'll be interested once I am free to consider that possibility. I don't know if he will be interested. I don't know if once we can investigate this thing between us, if it will be something we want to pursue. And, come the end of the year, I don't know how to do this. I've been in relationships before, lots of them, but never one where I put God's Will first (well, except for my marriage...), or perhaps I should say, never one where I put God's Will first to this extent. The burning question which I want an answer to is how does he feel about me?
He is in my dreams often, almost every night, playing a supporting role now, not a principle actor. How does he feel about me? He must have considered it by now.
This year has been really good for me. I've re-found myself. I've realized that I love dancing, I love to read, I love to write about my thoughts and feelings, I love to talk to friends, play games, take my dog for walks, play with my kids, pray, get to know people. I don't like to cook daily, I need lots of time to myself, people like me, I've learned that I need support, not a lot but I do need some, I've learned to ask for help, to trust in God to be able to ask for help. I've learned that I can appreciate myself and love myself and that I am worthy of love and worth loving, I don't need anyone else to tell me that or to make me feel worthy. I've learned to take good care of myself and to draw boundaries to ensure that I am properly cared for, with my friends, my family, my soon-to-be ex, and my kids. My life is rich. I recognize the richness of my life now. Praise be to God for leading me to recognize the beauty and richness and abundance of my life. Praise be to God that my efforts in His path have been confirmed.
O compassionate God! Thanks be to Thee for Thou hast awakened and made me conscious. Thou hast given me a seeing eye and favored me with a hearing ear, hast led me to Thy kingdom and guided me to Thy path. Thou hast shown me the right way and caused me to enter the ark of deliverance. O God! Keep me steadfast and make me firm and staunch. Protect me from violent tests, and preserve and shelter me in the strongly fortified fortress of Thy Covenant and Testament. Thou art the Powerful. Thou art the Seeing. Thou art the Hearing.
O Thou the the Compassionate God. Bestow upon me a heart which, like unto glass, may be illumined with the light of Thy love, and confer upon me thoughts which may change this world into a rose garden through the outpourings of heavenly grace.
Thou art the Compassionate, the Merciful. Thou art the Great Beneficent God.
- `Abdu'l-Bahá
I know that the next few months will pass by quickly. I don't expect anything to majorly change come the end of the year.
I guess what I can work on now with myself is to be content with the decree of God for me, no matter what happens at the end of this year.
This year has certainly had some unexpected twists. Who would have thought that I would fall in love with someone else? And a great guy too? And that I'd stay away from it?
O God! Let me cease to discover any desire within me save what Thou didst desire.
New thought
A dear soul enlightened me yesterday.
Powerlessness. How can something that is powerless feel tired? Do anything? God does it all.
This revolutionizes my view point. It's amazing. I am powerless, I testify to that daily, so what do I in fact do? How does service, tests, growth fit into this concept?
Powerlessness. How can something that is powerless feel tired? Do anything? God does it all.
This revolutionizes my view point. It's amazing. I am powerless, I testify to that daily, so what do I in fact do? How does service, tests, growth fit into this concept?
Breathe
My husband was always an ok boyfriend. We had a reasonably good boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. But we never had a marriage. And he was never a husband.
I love him still. I always will. I married him, of course I love him. I thought that love would be enough to keep our marriage alive, but in fact, it needed his love too. I don't think I will ever love someone the same way that I loved him. I loved him so passionately, I would have done anything for him, for the marriage. I love him so much that I will let him choose to destroy our marriage, to hurt our children, I can't stand in his way. I love him so much that I gave him up, that I gave up trying to control him. Of course, I still protect myself and make sure that my needs and growth are respected, so that he doesn't just take advantage of me - but I still love him.
I think he is foolish. I think he is making foolish choices. I think it's stupid to leave your wife, leave your marriage and fall into another relationship simply because it is convenient and available.
The dynamic he has created with his girlfriend and I is similar to the dynamic he created with me and his mother. He has me cast as the bad guy, he as the victim and her as his supporter. With his mother and I it was similar, she was the controlling bad guy, I was the supporter and my husband was the victim. This was right at the beginning when we got married and he was hospitalized with colitis for two months.
I feel relieved that this year is almost over. It was a very difficult year. And there was a lot of growth. I am thankful for it and by the grace of God I got through it, and I've learned and grown from it. I feel as if I am just starting to come back to myself, just starting to recover from the shock. It all still feels very fresh, very new. The world around me is just beginning to stop spinning.
I am happy that I did not get involved in another relationship, and that the non-relationship that I was involved in, I cut off. I feel relived to be single, I feel relived to be independent. I don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship again. You have to give too much up. For the first time, in many years, I feel as if I can breathe.
And I am still scared. I am scared for my children, for the custody, financially, career-wise. It all looks daunting, I don't know how to do it. May God guide me, may God protect me. Me and my children.
Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
I love him still. I always will. I married him, of course I love him. I thought that love would be enough to keep our marriage alive, but in fact, it needed his love too. I don't think I will ever love someone the same way that I loved him. I loved him so passionately, I would have done anything for him, for the marriage. I love him so much that I will let him choose to destroy our marriage, to hurt our children, I can't stand in his way. I love him so much that I gave him up, that I gave up trying to control him. Of course, I still protect myself and make sure that my needs and growth are respected, so that he doesn't just take advantage of me - but I still love him.
I think he is foolish. I think he is making foolish choices. I think it's stupid to leave your wife, leave your marriage and fall into another relationship simply because it is convenient and available.
The dynamic he has created with his girlfriend and I is similar to the dynamic he created with me and his mother. He has me cast as the bad guy, he as the victim and her as his supporter. With his mother and I it was similar, she was the controlling bad guy, I was the supporter and my husband was the victim. This was right at the beginning when we got married and he was hospitalized with colitis for two months.
I feel relieved that this year is almost over. It was a very difficult year. And there was a lot of growth. I am thankful for it and by the grace of God I got through it, and I've learned and grown from it. I feel as if I am just starting to come back to myself, just starting to recover from the shock. It all still feels very fresh, very new. The world around me is just beginning to stop spinning.
I am happy that I did not get involved in another relationship, and that the non-relationship that I was involved in, I cut off. I feel relived to be single, I feel relived to be independent. I don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship again. You have to give too much up. For the first time, in many years, I feel as if I can breathe.
And I am still scared. I am scared for my children, for the custody, financially, career-wise. It all looks daunting, I don't know how to do it. May God guide me, may God protect me. Me and my children.
Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
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