This is a realistic portrayal of a marriage. This is the kind of marriage I would like to have.
This boy that I am in love with. He is a good man. Praised be God that I’ve fallen in love with a good man versus an immature, selfish, materialistic man, which is what I’ve always fallen for before. It shows that I’ve grown. Praise be to God that I’ve grown. And praise be to God that I’m staying steadfast and for giving me the strength to stay obedient to the Laws of the YOW even in the face of the temptation of such strong emotions and desires and natural impulses. Thanks be to Thee O my God! For Thou has awakened me and made me conscious, Thou has favoured me with a seeing eye and a hearing ear.
I keep thinking to the end of this year and wondering if I will still feel this way toward him. It’s obvious that it’s over between my husband and myself. In other relationships I have always gotten bored of the man I was with. The fizz burned out, so to say. Although, it’s also true that I’ve never been in a relationship where it was mutual. Where both of us were working on the relationship. This thing between me and Boy, it’s different than anything I’ve ever experienced.
My heart feels very full at the moment. It gets fuller and fuller. I want to share it, my heart, my thoughts, my life, with this boy. I want to have with him what John and Jenny have in the movie.
I respect him a lot. This whole year he has been very sweet, offering his help in whichever way he could and anytime I told him to back off, he did and he understood and now I've told him to totally back off, he totally has, and he is still very respectful and giving me lots of space. I admire him. I pray for him often. I wish him all the best.
I don't know what God's plan is for me, for him. I don't know if I'll be interested once I am free to consider that possibility. I don't know if he will be interested. I don't know if once we can investigate this thing between us, if it will be something we want to pursue. And, come the end of the year, I don't know how to do this. I've been in relationships before, lots of them, but never one where I put God's Will first (well, except for my marriage...), or perhaps I should say, never one where I put God's Will first to this extent. The burning question which I want an answer to is how does he feel about me?
He is in my dreams often, almost every night, playing a supporting role now, not a principle actor. How does he feel about me? He must have considered it by now.
This year has been really good for me. I've re-found myself. I've realized that I love dancing, I love to read, I love to write about my thoughts and feelings, I love to talk to friends, play games, take my dog for walks, play with my kids, pray, get to know people. I don't like to cook daily, I need lots of time to myself, people like me, I've learned that I need support, not a lot but I do need some, I've learned to ask for help, to trust in God to be able to ask for help. I've learned that I can appreciate myself and love myself and that I am worthy of love and worth loving, I don't need anyone else to tell me that or to make me feel worthy. I've learned to take good care of myself and to draw boundaries to ensure that I am properly cared for, with my friends, my family, my soon-to-be ex, and my kids. My life is rich. I recognize the richness of my life now. Praise be to God for leading me to recognize the beauty and richness and abundance of my life. Praise be to God that my efforts in His path have been confirmed.
O compassionate God! Thanks be to Thee for Thou hast awakened and made me conscious. Thou hast given me a seeing eye and favored me with a hearing ear, hast led me to Thy kingdom and guided me to Thy path. Thou hast shown me the right way and caused me to enter the ark of deliverance. O God! Keep me steadfast and make me firm and staunch. Protect me from violent tests, and preserve and shelter me in the strongly fortified fortress of Thy Covenant and Testament. Thou art the Powerful. Thou art the Seeing. Thou art the Hearing.
O Thou the the Compassionate God. Bestow upon me a heart which, like unto glass, may be illumined with the light of Thy love, and confer upon me thoughts which may change this world into a rose garden through the outpourings of heavenly grace.
Thou art the Compassionate, the Merciful. Thou art the Great Beneficent God.
- `Abdu'l-Bahá
I know that the next few months will pass by quickly. I don't expect anything to majorly change come the end of the year.
I guess what I can work on now with myself is to be content with the decree of God for me, no matter what happens at the end of this year.
This year has certainly had some unexpected twists. Who would have thought that I would fall in love with someone else? And a great guy too? And that I'd stay away from it?
O God! Let me cease to discover any desire within me save what Thou didst desire.
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