The year is almost over. I feel tired, sad. I am having fun, my life is moving on. I go out dancing and guys hit on me and I enjoy the attention, but I still don't want this. I want my husband to commit to this marriage, I want him to grow into his potential. I want our family together. I realize that I have to let this go and I cried so hard today when I realized that it is in fact ending and will be over soon.
And then it will just be me. Sometimes I'll be with the girls, sometimes I'll be with friends, sometimes I'll be with guys, but I will always be with me. One dear friend and therapist said to me to write the Book of Me. The Book of Me and My DH is closed now. And now I can write the Book of Me.
Why is it that the Book of Me somehow always involves a guy? I am still in love with Boy. Although today a friend told me that Boy said he's not into me other than as a friend. It hit me hard to hear that. I fell apart, couldn't concentrate.
This has been an excellent year for friendships. My friendships have deepened and have really grown into very strong supports, both ways. What a wonderful blessing.
I am lonely though. I realized today that I love my husband and I am committed to this marriage. I have been saying it all along that I love him and that I'm committed, but I realized that I really am in love with him and committed. I would still want to work on saving this relationship. Of course that is not going to happen, anytime this year so far that I have suggested to him to work on the marriage he has always been uninterested. I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am going back to school in the fall, I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to this year being done and over. I am looking forward to being emotionally free to make choices about romantic involvement again. Perhaps I will choose to not be involved, but I am looking forward to the freedom of choice. The nice thing is that this year has given me the opportunity to discover myself and discover resources within me and around me for supporting myself emotionally. It has been a wonderful year. I have found myself and I will never lose myself again (In Shallah).
I am going in a horse back riding vacation this week, for five days in the mountains. I am looking forward to it.
I want to start to write the Book of Me. Perhaps it will be a picture book? Perhaps I can have a blog? Perhaps a photo and entry every month or so? I am looking forward to my life. And I feel bad for the children. It shouldn't be this way.
I am looking forward to navigating my life the way I want, organizing it the way I want. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship. At the end of this year I will just be happy to be free.
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