Breathe

My husband was always an ok boyfriend. We had a reasonably good boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. But we never had a marriage. And he was never a husband.
I love him still. I always will. I married him, of course I love him. I thought that love would be enough to keep our marriage alive, but in fact, it needed his love too. I don't think I will ever love someone the same way that I loved him. I loved him so passionately, I would have done anything for him, for the marriage. I love him so much that I will let him choose to destroy our marriage, to hurt our children, I can't stand in his way. I love him so much that I gave him up, that I gave up trying to control him. Of course, I still protect myself and make sure that my needs and growth are respected, so that he doesn't just take advantage of me - but I still love him.
I think he is foolish. I think he is making foolish choices. I think it's stupid to leave your wife, leave your marriage and fall into another relationship simply because it is convenient and available.
The dynamic he has created with his girlfriend and I is similar to the dynamic he created with me and his mother. He has me cast as the bad guy, he as the victim and her as his supporter. With his mother and I it was similar, she was the controlling bad guy, I was the supporter and my husband was the victim. This was right at the beginning when we got married and he was hospitalized with colitis for two months.
I feel relieved that this year is almost over. It was a very difficult year. And there was a lot of growth. I am thankful for it and by the grace of God I got through it, and I've learned and grown from it. I feel as if I am just starting to come back to myself, just starting to recover from the shock. It all still feels very fresh, very new. The world around me is just beginning to stop spinning.
I am happy that I did not get involved in another relationship, and that the non-relationship that I was involved in, I cut off. I feel relived to be single, I feel relived to be independent. I don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship again. You have to give too much up. For the first time, in many years, I feel as if I can breathe.
And I am still scared. I am scared for my children, for the custody, financially, career-wise. It all looks daunting, I don't know how to do it. May God guide me, may God protect me. Me and my children.
Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !