I prayed for 2.5 hours today with a group of two other girl-friends. It was the most beautiful devotional gathering I've ever been to. It felt like adoration, worship, loving, we said all the long Tablets, interspersed with shorter prayers and songs. It felt like an embrace, it felt like making love to the Beloved. There was a build, a peak, and a tapering off. Like the caresses and kisses lovers give each other in the after-math of being intimate. It was so beautiful.
After I felt satiated, and also I felt lost and grieving and sad. I felt like I didn't know how to do this, I felt like it was fresh again, my husband having left, not having a relationship, being alone.
I have never worked so intensely on a relationship as I have in this YOW. When it's over, I don't even know if I will want to be in a relationship again. And from anyone's point of view on the outside, I am not in one now, my husband has left, moved in with another woman, he has no wish to work on this marriage at all. I, however, am committed to following the laws, being obedient and still working on what I can work on, which is myself and my patterns, emotions, tests etc. My effort and energy that I am putting into this marriage has not diminished, it has but increased. Except the venue has changed, there is no partner to try to reach, to try to work with, the venue is now my own self. Looking at myself and honestly seeing where I can grow, where I can develop. This is hard work. And also, very rewarding. I only hope that if I marry again that in a future marriage, I will be able to apply the skills I have learned in self-evaluating, and self-growth to a new union.
I was a good marriage partner before. Now I am going to be an even better one. I hope Baha'u'llah will help me find a suitable partner once this year is up.
I felt so sad, and then I felt moved to write. And I wrote and I wrote, three pages of rough song lyrics. And then I felt better ! And then later on I wrote that song from one of the lyrics sheets. I decided that I will take guitar lessons and learn to play the guitar so that I can sing more. A buddy of mine and I are going to get together an jam some. I'm really looking forward to that. I love music, I love singing, it always brings me up.
It's so important for me to have ways to channel my powerful emotional energy, rather than into a relationship. Relationships aren't meant to sustain that intensity of emotion. I need to find ways to manage my emotions and creativity myself. To let the relationship exist in a lighter fashion.
Boy is still somehow a part of all of this. He's not involved in anyway, but he's representative of someone who I am working through a lot of my growth with. I'm not thinking about him anymore the way I was, in an idle fancy sort of way. No, now, he's someone that I have an attraction toward, I like a lot and that I've put on hold while I figure out my stuff. I am thankful toward him for being understanding and giving me space. I have a special place in my heart for him. And in four more months I will be able to investigate what his role in my life is. Right now I need to concentrate on me. And push that attraction and those thoughts away.
Swords
I wrote a song, here are the lyrics.
I dream of you, of you holdin' me.
I dream of you, of you savin' me.
But I know where that path leads,
it leads to a veiling.
The only path to healing,
is to accept the pain
and accept the fear
and I've never been here before
I feel totally alone, I feel totally afraid.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Perhaps in the future, we can be friends.
Perhaps we could be spiritual partners.
but for now I need to take
take care of my own self
I need to be whole
I need to heal
I need to be alone
It terrifies me.
I've avoided this for years,
I've veiled myself.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
I know it's misguided, my attachment to you.
I must be brave, I must have faith
Hold my head up high, go forward into my fear,
go forward into the darkness, go forward into the pain.
I'm afraid of drowning, I want to clutch at you
But all that might do is drown us both.
Baha'u'llah will be there
He is my guide
Baha'u'llah will hold me
He is my Love
I am a lover yearning for the Beloved
drown myself in the ocean of non-existence
and come out cloaked in the garment of divine essence
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Once this time passes
maybe I might consider you
But for now the Law states that
that way is barred.
I look forward to the growth
which will come from being obedient.
I will be re-created. I will be a shining star.
I will uplift the world. In Shallah.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Dost Thou wail, or shall I wail
rather shall I weep at the fewness of Thy champions.
I dream of you, of you holdin' me.
I dream of you, of you savin' me.
But I know where that path leads,
it leads to a veiling.
The only path to healing,
is to accept the pain
and accept the fear
and I've never been here before
I feel totally alone, I feel totally afraid.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Perhaps in the future, we can be friends.
Perhaps we could be spiritual partners.
but for now I need to take
take care of my own self
I need to be whole
I need to heal
I need to be alone
It terrifies me.
I've avoided this for years,
I've veiled myself.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
I know it's misguided, my attachment to you.
I must be brave, I must have faith
Hold my head up high, go forward into my fear,
go forward into the darkness, go forward into the pain.
I'm afraid of drowning, I want to clutch at you
But all that might do is drown us both.
Baha'u'llah will be there
He is my guide
Baha'u'llah will hold me
He is my Love
I am a lover yearning for the Beloved
drown myself in the ocean of non-existence
and come out cloaked in the garment of divine essence
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Once this time passes
maybe I might consider you
But for now the Law states that
that way is barred.
I look forward to the growth
which will come from being obedient.
I will be re-created. I will be a shining star.
I will uplift the world. In Shallah.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Dost Thou wail, or shall I wail
rather shall I weep at the fewness of Thy champions.
Loving Me
I saw Boy tonight, at an event. I had enlisted the support of some friends so they could stay near me, hold my hand, cuddle me, etc. That was a wise decision on my part. My heart was thumping, I was half panicking the whole time. I have no idea why it should be so hard to be around him, but it is. I just need to accept that. And I did accept that, it's accepting reality, accepting God's Will and then choosing how I will respond to reality. That is my choice, that is free will.
I think of this like an addiction to alcohol. I used to be an alcoholic. And I also always used to be in a relationship. There was always a boyfriend around. This boy became something like that for me. I totally ignored him tonight, I see it as a huge success, like being at a party where there was alcohol and not drinking. It's an addiction, being in a relationship. I need to find ways to grow without boyfriends. It makes sense, I was so lonely, damaged and hurt as a child, and very early on, I found physical comfort, fun, passion, joy, play, filling the grief, through physical interaction / emotional dependancy on / with guys. I think this relates to me being a little girl. That little girl has not yet found out who she is without a companion, just been given room to just be, and not need to interact with another. Now, I am giving myself that room to just be. And it is a struggle, there are strongly engraved patterns within me that attract me to single male interaction / attachment.
This boy, I am not even sure I would want to be in a relationship with him. At this point in my life I don't want to be in a relationship at all! I just want to be alone, in peace, allow myself time, space, to breathe, heal, be.
He was very respectful, he totally gave me space tonight too. I really appreciated that. And love him for it.
It's hard, I love people. I fall in love easily. I have a passionate nature. Thank God for the Laws which I am determined to follow. These Laws have been my strongest healer and impetus for growth.
It was ok while I was with people to ignore Boy, to control my thoughts. When I came home, took the dog out for a walk, I had more difficulty not thinking about him. And then I had the urge to call him. Like the alcoholic who wants to drink alone after she comes home. It feels so seductive, the idea of him.
O God, help me to heal and find more strength and peacefulness within myself. All I want is Thee. Nothing in this earth can ever compare to my longing after Thee. Make Thy Beauty to be my drink and Thy presence my hope, and praise of Thee my action. Number me with such of Thy servants, whom nothing whatsoever hath deterred from setting their faces towards Thee. Thou art the All-Loving, the All-Wise. Thou art the Ever-Bestowing, the Giving, the Protector, the Healer, the Guide.
I am so not interested in another relationship. I think this other guy I know is starting to develop an attraction to me. Annoying. It will have to be dealt with.
Help me to care for myself well, care for my children well. Not to stay up into the middle of the night brooding, thinking, analyzing. Help me to be kinder to myself. More loving. Get snuggled into bed, a good book, a good sleep. Sleep in, wake up, pray, breakfast, get ready for the day. Goal: To be kind to myself as I am doing difficult and demanding work right now.
Much love.
xoxo
I think of this like an addiction to alcohol. I used to be an alcoholic. And I also always used to be in a relationship. There was always a boyfriend around. This boy became something like that for me. I totally ignored him tonight, I see it as a huge success, like being at a party where there was alcohol and not drinking. It's an addiction, being in a relationship. I need to find ways to grow without boyfriends. It makes sense, I was so lonely, damaged and hurt as a child, and very early on, I found physical comfort, fun, passion, joy, play, filling the grief, through physical interaction / emotional dependancy on / with guys. I think this relates to me being a little girl. That little girl has not yet found out who she is without a companion, just been given room to just be, and not need to interact with another. Now, I am giving myself that room to just be. And it is a struggle, there are strongly engraved patterns within me that attract me to single male interaction / attachment.
This boy, I am not even sure I would want to be in a relationship with him. At this point in my life I don't want to be in a relationship at all! I just want to be alone, in peace, allow myself time, space, to breathe, heal, be.
He was very respectful, he totally gave me space tonight too. I really appreciated that. And love him for it.
It's hard, I love people. I fall in love easily. I have a passionate nature. Thank God for the Laws which I am determined to follow. These Laws have been my strongest healer and impetus for growth.
It was ok while I was with people to ignore Boy, to control my thoughts. When I came home, took the dog out for a walk, I had more difficulty not thinking about him. And then I had the urge to call him. Like the alcoholic who wants to drink alone after she comes home. It feels so seductive, the idea of him.
O God, help me to heal and find more strength and peacefulness within myself. All I want is Thee. Nothing in this earth can ever compare to my longing after Thee. Make Thy Beauty to be my drink and Thy presence my hope, and praise of Thee my action. Number me with such of Thy servants, whom nothing whatsoever hath deterred from setting their faces towards Thee. Thou art the All-Loving, the All-Wise. Thou art the Ever-Bestowing, the Giving, the Protector, the Healer, the Guide.
I am so not interested in another relationship. I think this other guy I know is starting to develop an attraction to me. Annoying. It will have to be dealt with.
Help me to care for myself well, care for my children well. Not to stay up into the middle of the night brooding, thinking, analyzing. Help me to be kinder to myself. More loving. Get snuggled into bed, a good book, a good sleep. Sleep in, wake up, pray, breakfast, get ready for the day. Goal: To be kind to myself as I am doing difficult and demanding work right now.
Much love.
xoxo
Valley of Contentment
I felt so good today. I felt like the happiness was swelling inside my chest and that I could not possibly contain it. I had the impression that I didn't know happiness like this could exist. I walked around with a perma-smile on my face, a little tug at the corners of my mouth that spilled over readily. I feel like I grabbed life. I feel victorious. I feel like I did the right thing. It feels like a total triumph. I made a choice to do the right thing. It didn't need to be done. I chose to do it. I felt proud of myself. It is very ennobling to make that choice.
One thing that I thought of today, and I did think of many things, was that my husband, was jealous of my devotion to God. I don't know if this is really true, but it certainly appeared that way from his deeds. It appeared that he wanted me to conform to his will and abide by his law, rather than His will and His law.
The above quotation is taken from a marriage prayer. This line has perplexed me for some time. What is the barrier which the seas cannot overpass? What is it that prevents a husband and wife from being one? My answer changes, today, my answer is God. Neither can overstep God's will, or come between a soul's devotion to its Creator, come between a person's love for the Beloved. My husband wanted to. As I wanted to. As many couples do.
What is this preoccupation we have, as a society, with romantic love? What is romantic love, but an accidental condition of life? Does romantic love even exist? Or is it just an idle fancy of a bewildered society? It is only in recent times, I believe, that this romantic obsession has grown to epidemic proportions. You can't turn on the radio without hearing about co-dependent romantic love and how it is the source of all glory and pain in one's life.
Romance is short-lived attachment, fascination. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that this is not real love, that this is a yielding to the accidental conditions of life. Baha'u'llah tells us that the drunkenness of passion hath perverted most of mankind. We are spiritually weak as a society, the fact that we are letting our passions sway us so deeply.
The only type of love which should inspire such passionate devotion as is the theme of many a song is the love for God and His Manifestations. Where are the daysprings of purity to sing of the love of the lover for the Beloved?
Can I develop my love for the Beloved to this extent, that my soul and heart will cry out with constant, undying fervor to God? That is the only love worth developing, everything else is but a reflection of this love. As you develop this love, your life will fill up with other types of love, but if you pursue the material and transient forms of love at the expense of the love of God, you will find you are chasing but a shadow and you will never attain your goal. Any undertaking undertaken with the love of God becomes fruitful. (I can't locate the exact quote, that's my best paraphrase.) I found the quote here it is:
It is hard, though, to cast aside the world for God. To have faith and to do the right thing regardless of the outcome. Especially, for me, when there are passionate emotions of romantic attraction in play. I had no idea that attraction was such a powerful force. I didn't realize what dangerous passions I was playing with while I was conducting my information gathering with Boy. I feel blessed that I escaped from that without really falling off the path and for instance, having an affair. It would have been so simple.
I feel like I have really arrived somewhere. I feel like now that I have cut off this boy dynamic I can concentrate on my kids, my life, service, my friends. I have never been in a time in my life where I didn't have a boy-dynamic going on. I was either in a relationship, getting out of a relationship, wanting a relationship or, all three all together. And because of that I feel like I missed out on a lot of my life. I would spend time in daydreams and idle fancies about me and some boy, and miss the opportunities which were actually around me, miss grabbing life. I regret that. And now, here I am. I have cut it off with Boy, (as I like to add, even though there was nothing going on), and I have grabbed life. Here I am. I'm ready to fully be here. And it came from my own initiative, and not because I thought, it will be better for me, because that wouldn't have been enough of a motivating factor for me to really commit to, no, I did it because it was the right thing to do. And as I did it, I received diving confirmation and grace, and became filled up with love. "The betterment of the world can be accomplished through pure and goodly deeds, through commendable and seemly conduct." I just bettered the world ! Yee haw.
And when I say, there was nothing going on, that's a total lie. We weren't physically involved, we barely saw each other, but there was definitely something going on. It was unclear, murky, a non-relationship, a wanting to have my cake and eat it too. Wanting to have this romantic attraction and remain committed to my marriage. It's one or the other, you can't have both.
I really do wonder what his take on all of this is. What he thought was going on, how he felt, how he feels. Oh well, for now, I am content to let it rest. If my marriage comes back together, then I can safely pursue a friendship with Boy and perhaps years later, ask him about this time period. The important thing is that now I am safe. I am safe as I have cut it off. I have come into the guiding light of the Fear of God. Praise be to God for guiding me through the Valleys of Search and Love.
This YOW has so far been a rich journey. I dreaded it at the onset, and now I look back on it and I am proud of where I have come and what I've travelled through spiritually. It's been a spiritual adventure, so far. I wonder where the next four months will lead?
"The best is yet to come" a jazz song sings, I have no doubt.
One thing that I thought of today, and I did think of many things, was that my husband, was jealous of my devotion to God. I don't know if this is really true, but it certainly appeared that way from his deeds. It appeared that he wanted me to conform to his will and abide by his law, rather than His will and His law.
"He hath let loose the two seas, that they meet each other: Between them is a barrier which they overpass not. Which then of the bounties of your Lord will ye deny? From each He bringeth up greater and lesser pearls."
(Qu'rá 55:19-20)
The above quotation is taken from a marriage prayer. This line has perplexed me for some time. What is the barrier which the seas cannot overpass? What is it that prevents a husband and wife from being one? My answer changes, today, my answer is God. Neither can overstep God's will, or come between a soul's devotion to its Creator, come between a person's love for the Beloved. My husband wanted to. As I wanted to. As many couples do.
What is this preoccupation we have, as a society, with romantic love? What is romantic love, but an accidental condition of life? Does romantic love even exist? Or is it just an idle fancy of a bewildered society? It is only in recent times, I believe, that this romantic obsession has grown to epidemic proportions. You can't turn on the radio without hearing about co-dependent romantic love and how it is the source of all glory and pain in one's life.
Romance is short-lived attachment, fascination. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that this is not real love, that this is a yielding to the accidental conditions of life. Baha'u'llah tells us that the drunkenness of passion hath perverted most of mankind. We are spiritually weak as a society, the fact that we are letting our passions sway us so deeply.
The only type of love which should inspire such passionate devotion as is the theme of many a song is the love for God and His Manifestations. Where are the daysprings of purity to sing of the love of the lover for the Beloved?
Can I develop my love for the Beloved to this extent, that my soul and heart will cry out with constant, undying fervor to God? That is the only love worth developing, everything else is but a reflection of this love. As you develop this love, your life will fill up with other types of love, but if you pursue the material and transient forms of love at the expense of the love of God, you will find you are chasing but a shadow and you will never attain your goal. Any undertaking undertaken with the love of God becomes fruitful. (I can't locate the exact quote, that's my best paraphrase.) I found the quote here it is:
If one possesses the love of God, everything that he undertakes is useful, but if the undertaking is without the love of God, then it is hurtful and the cause of veiling one’s self from the Lord of the Kingdom.
It is hard, though, to cast aside the world for God. To have faith and to do the right thing regardless of the outcome. Especially, for me, when there are passionate emotions of romantic attraction in play. I had no idea that attraction was such a powerful force. I didn't realize what dangerous passions I was playing with while I was conducting my information gathering with Boy. I feel blessed that I escaped from that without really falling off the path and for instance, having an affair. It would have been so simple.
I feel like I have really arrived somewhere. I feel like now that I have cut off this boy dynamic I can concentrate on my kids, my life, service, my friends. I have never been in a time in my life where I didn't have a boy-dynamic going on. I was either in a relationship, getting out of a relationship, wanting a relationship or, all three all together. And because of that I feel like I missed out on a lot of my life. I would spend time in daydreams and idle fancies about me and some boy, and miss the opportunities which were actually around me, miss grabbing life. I regret that. And now, here I am. I have cut it off with Boy, (as I like to add, even though there was nothing going on), and I have grabbed life. Here I am. I'm ready to fully be here. And it came from my own initiative, and not because I thought, it will be better for me, because that wouldn't have been enough of a motivating factor for me to really commit to, no, I did it because it was the right thing to do. And as I did it, I received diving confirmation and grace, and became filled up with love. "The betterment of the world can be accomplished through pure and goodly deeds, through commendable and seemly conduct." I just bettered the world ! Yee haw.
And when I say, there was nothing going on, that's a total lie. We weren't physically involved, we barely saw each other, but there was definitely something going on. It was unclear, murky, a non-relationship, a wanting to have my cake and eat it too. Wanting to have this romantic attraction and remain committed to my marriage. It's one or the other, you can't have both.
I really do wonder what his take on all of this is. What he thought was going on, how he felt, how he feels. Oh well, for now, I am content to let it rest. If my marriage comes back together, then I can safely pursue a friendship with Boy and perhaps years later, ask him about this time period. The important thing is that now I am safe. I am safe as I have cut it off. I have come into the guiding light of the Fear of God. Praise be to God for guiding me through the Valleys of Search and Love.
This YOW has so far been a rich journey. I dreaded it at the onset, and now I look back on it and I am proud of where I have come and what I've travelled through spiritually. It's been a spiritual adventure, so far. I wonder where the next four months will lead?
"The best is yet to come" a jazz song sings, I have no doubt.
The Right Thing
I cut it off with boy. It was totally getting out of hand. I am glad that I made that step. I told him that I like him a lot, more than I should, and that in order to remain steadfast and to really honor my YOW I needed to not be around him, so I'd be basically ignoring him for the next 4 months, and I was letting him know so that he didn't think that he had done anything wrong, indeed he'd been very sweet. It was a hard thing to do.
I feel sort of beside myself. It will take some getting used to. It feels like a break-up. Although, the difference is that there aren't any hurt hearts.
He said he's not offended. What would make him be offended? Offended is the last thing I would expect him to be. Someone else, maybe, but not him. I would expect him to totally understand. And then I said, I have to go, and he said, take care. There was so much emotion in those two phrases of his. It was very loving and caring, very sweet.
I know that whatever happens, the relationship is still safe. Not like with other boyfriend break-ups the relationship does not survive. I felt the love that we have, it won't go anywhere. I feel like I haven't lost a friend.
And coming to this decision went against every natural instinct and desire in me, it totally went against the grain.
After standing next to him at the wedding, I felt nauseous and faint. I realized then that I couldn't ignore this anymore.
So, now, new lands. Where will this YOW lead me next? I'm in places I've never been before. It feels great. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
xoxo
I feel sort of beside myself. It will take some getting used to. It feels like a break-up. Although, the difference is that there aren't any hurt hearts.
He said he's not offended. What would make him be offended? Offended is the last thing I would expect him to be. Someone else, maybe, but not him. I would expect him to totally understand. And then I said, I have to go, and he said, take care. There was so much emotion in those two phrases of his. It was very loving and caring, very sweet.
I know that whatever happens, the relationship is still safe. Not like with other boyfriend break-ups the relationship does not survive. I felt the love that we have, it won't go anywhere. I feel like I haven't lost a friend.
And coming to this decision went against every natural instinct and desire in me, it totally went against the grain.
After standing next to him at the wedding, I felt nauseous and faint. I realized then that I couldn't ignore this anymore.
So, now, new lands. Where will this YOW lead me next? I'm in places I've never been before. It feels great. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
xoxo
Love to Knowledge
I feel so screwed. I am ass over tea cup, hook line and sinker, head over heels screwed.
The thing that I've realized is that this relationship I have with this other guy has almost all of the same emotional issues I had with my husband, it's like I just transplanted them into the new relationship. And it's not even a relationship. We hardly see each other, we are barely friends. Mere acquaintances or perhaps casual friends.
The same drama is playing out, thinking about him, daydreaming about him, thinking how wonderful he is, looking for signals from him, feeling emotionally unfulfilled, looking for clarity, being resentful to him for not stepping up more, trying to change it. It's as if it's the same relationship - and I hated my marital relationship, I was always pushing to change it.
So this is good insight. I feel kind of bad for this other guy. He has me getting all pissy with him, he didn't even do anything wrong. Ah well, I can't even tell him that because I am still caught in the drama. I am even considering not going to an event I would otherwise go to, because I know he'll be there. I sort of want to just cut him off, be done with it, and I don't know how to cut off the drama. I just want to be left in peace. I don't want this relationship drama anymore. Although, the fact is, that that conversation I had with him the other day was really good for me. It really helped my growth.
I'd like to say to him "I'm sorry about the other day. You haven't done anything wrong. This YOW is making me nuts and I think maybe I am in love with you." But I can't tell him that because I can't be around him. I feel like I am stuck in the drama of will he pay attention to me or won't he. The same drama I was stuck in with my mother and my husband.
I realized today that I was really angry. And I started to think, who or what am I angry at or about? It wasn't my husband, it wasn't the other guy, it wasn't God, I realized it was my parents. I thought that was very good insight and healing and growth.
I am angry at my parents. I am angry at my mother for not nurturing me and protecting me, instead for beating me, vilifying me, abusing me, ignoring me, and blaming me for her problems and stresses, and for never taking responsibility for it or realizing that she has a mental illness. I am angry at my father for standing by and letting injustice occur and not standing up to her for me, not protecting me, just hiding his face in the sand. Because of them, I have all these emotional issues now that are affecting my relationships and my family life. That makes me angry! I need to pray for forgiveness for them. And maybe, I need to tell them.
My only experience of family relationships is traumatic and conflictual. I don't even want to be married anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. This year, as long as I stay steadfast to it, is offering me incredible growth and self-awareness. I love it.
Thinking of seeing him makes me anxious. Makes me feel like I need to do something. Does that come from a legacy of abusive and high-conflict intimate relationships?
I thought that I was in the Valley of Love, now, I think I used to be. I think that, Praise be to God, I have escaped from the claws of the eagle of love and have entered the Valley of Knowledge. I see the dynamic with this other guy for what it is. That I am working out some left-over drama with him. Praise be to God for this YOW and that I did not have the liberty to act on my emotions. Praise be to God for making me wait. Praise be to God for granting me steadfastness and insight.
I still like this guy. That's what makes interacting with him tres dangereux.
What's the next step? I'm stressing out about seeing him. I want to avoid him at all costs. Keep a low profile, just hang low, take care of my own self. I don't want to have anything to do with him, for I know he triggers me.
We can talk about it in September.
I feel for myself that I have so many issues with relationships from my childhood that I don't even want to be in another relationship. I have enough stuff to unpack for the rest of my life, why would I want to add more by getting married again? What sort of partner would be a good match for me, one that would help me with my issues rather than add more to them? I don't know.
I hope this guy know he didn't do anything wrong. Knowing him, he might use the feedback I gave him to his own self-growth somehow. I hope so.
I'm screwed. I really like this guy. I am so powerfully attracted to him, that I cannot be around him.
The thing that I've realized is that this relationship I have with this other guy has almost all of the same emotional issues I had with my husband, it's like I just transplanted them into the new relationship. And it's not even a relationship. We hardly see each other, we are barely friends. Mere acquaintances or perhaps casual friends.
The same drama is playing out, thinking about him, daydreaming about him, thinking how wonderful he is, looking for signals from him, feeling emotionally unfulfilled, looking for clarity, being resentful to him for not stepping up more, trying to change it. It's as if it's the same relationship - and I hated my marital relationship, I was always pushing to change it.
So this is good insight. I feel kind of bad for this other guy. He has me getting all pissy with him, he didn't even do anything wrong. Ah well, I can't even tell him that because I am still caught in the drama. I am even considering not going to an event I would otherwise go to, because I know he'll be there. I sort of want to just cut him off, be done with it, and I don't know how to cut off the drama. I just want to be left in peace. I don't want this relationship drama anymore. Although, the fact is, that that conversation I had with him the other day was really good for me. It really helped my growth.
I'd like to say to him "I'm sorry about the other day. You haven't done anything wrong. This YOW is making me nuts and I think maybe I am in love with you." But I can't tell him that because I can't be around him. I feel like I am stuck in the drama of will he pay attention to me or won't he. The same drama I was stuck in with my mother and my husband.
I realized today that I was really angry. And I started to think, who or what am I angry at or about? It wasn't my husband, it wasn't the other guy, it wasn't God, I realized it was my parents. I thought that was very good insight and healing and growth.
I am angry at my parents. I am angry at my mother for not nurturing me and protecting me, instead for beating me, vilifying me, abusing me, ignoring me, and blaming me for her problems and stresses, and for never taking responsibility for it or realizing that she has a mental illness. I am angry at my father for standing by and letting injustice occur and not standing up to her for me, not protecting me, just hiding his face in the sand. Because of them, I have all these emotional issues now that are affecting my relationships and my family life. That makes me angry! I need to pray for forgiveness for them. And maybe, I need to tell them.
My only experience of family relationships is traumatic and conflictual. I don't even want to be married anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. This year, as long as I stay steadfast to it, is offering me incredible growth and self-awareness. I love it.
Thinking of seeing him makes me anxious. Makes me feel like I need to do something. Does that come from a legacy of abusive and high-conflict intimate relationships?
And if, confirmed by the Creator, the lover escapes from the claws of the eagle of love, he will enter The Valley of Knowledge and come out of doubt into certitude, and turn from the darkness of illusion to the guiding light of the fear of God. His inner eyes will open and he will privily converse with his Beloved; he will set ajar the gate of truth and piety, and shut the doors of vain imaginings. He in this station is content with the decree of God, and seeth war as peace, and findeth in death the secrets of everlasting life. With inward and outward eyes he witnesseth the mysteries of resurrection in the realms of creation and the souls of men, and with a pure heart apprehendeth the divine wisdom in the endless Manifestations of God. In the ocean he findeth a drop, in a drop he beholdeth the secrets of the sea.
Split the atom's heart, and lo!
Within it thou wilt find a sun.
The wayfarer in this Valley seeth in the fashionings of the True One nothing save clear providence, and at every moment saith: "No defect canst thou see in the creation of the God of Mercy: Repeat the gaze: Seest thou a single flaw?" He beholdeth justice in injustice, and in justice, grace. In ignorance he findeth many a knowledge hidden, and in knowledge a myriad wisdoms manifest. He breaketh the cage of the body and the passions, and consorteth with the people of the immortal realm. He mounteth on the ladders of inner truth and hasteneth to the heaven of inner significance. He rideth in the ark of "we shall show them our signs in the regions and in themselves," and journeyeth over the sea of "until it become plain to them that (this Book) is the truth." And if he meeteth with injustice he shall have patience, and if he cometh upon wrath he shall manifest love. - Baha'u'llah
I thought that I was in the Valley of Love, now, I think I used to be. I think that, Praise be to God, I have escaped from the claws of the eagle of love and have entered the Valley of Knowledge. I see the dynamic with this other guy for what it is. That I am working out some left-over drama with him. Praise be to God for this YOW and that I did not have the liberty to act on my emotions. Praise be to God for making me wait. Praise be to God for granting me steadfastness and insight.
I still like this guy. That's what makes interacting with him tres dangereux.
What's the next step? I'm stressing out about seeing him. I want to avoid him at all costs. Keep a low profile, just hang low, take care of my own self. I don't want to have anything to do with him, for I know he triggers me.
We can talk about it in September.
I feel for myself that I have so many issues with relationships from my childhood that I don't even want to be in another relationship. I have enough stuff to unpack for the rest of my life, why would I want to add more by getting married again? What sort of partner would be a good match for me, one that would help me with my issues rather than add more to them? I don't know.
I hope this guy know he didn't do anything wrong. Knowing him, he might use the feedback I gave him to his own self-growth somehow. I hope so.
I'm screwed. I really like this guy. I am so powerfully attracted to him, that I cannot be around him.
Principle
I'm in love with this other man. Sigh. If there is adultery in the YOW the YOW doesn't have to be observed. There is clear adultery here. Now, I am just waiting on the Institutional process for confirmation of if it is applicable here.
As for this other guy, I had to be next to him during a very emotional ceremony the other day, it nearly killed me to not be able to connect to him emotionally and express my feeling to him. "I got it bad, and that ain't good". I spoke with him recently about our relationship - he says we can be friends, but then he doesn't make steps to make the friendship closer, but then the reality of when we are together is a very close kinship and bond. It's confusing to me. Mixed signals. I challenged him a little on it. He declared that friendships need to happen naturally, and accused me of pushing and changing. I retorted that perhaps he's not embracing it or he's resisting. He brought up what I'd said months ago about doubting if men and women could even be friends. I said I'd changed my mind on that point. The fact is that I think we can be friends. I think it would require a tremendous amount of thoughtfulness and care to remain aware of emotions. But to me, being friends with him, is separate from my marriage (assuming I am even still married). Marriage is a commitment. Once married you work through any problem that arises. There are always solutions, with enough creativity and determination, any challenge can be successfully won. Everything in life is like that. The issue I see, is that generally, people lack the creativity and determination to make things happen. And of course, you can't make someone do something, so you are only responsible for what you can effect your own determination upon. So looking at this circumstance. I attempted to affect the friendship with him, he's not into it. He claims he's too busy. He brought up a bunch of points, which I rallied back and in the end he said he's busy, he doesn't have time to be closer friends. Am I wrong? Is he right? At one point he said that issues which I'd raised on the past are still relevant. So I said, so are you saying it's better for us not to be friends right now? He dodged it and said better hasn't got anything to do with it, he doesn't have time. Was I wrong to have that conversation with him? To seek some clarity? I don't think I was. Of course the result is not what I would have my cherished outcome to be. But it's still something. At least, the frustration is clear. At least I've asserted what I want from the relationship. It probably could have been executed smoother, however, at least it did get done. I feel kind of sorry for him. I think it's a difficult situation for him. He's never been in a relationship before. He's a guy. He's young. Here's this older woman, strong, confident, experienced, but also in a YOW with her husband, telling him that she wants a closer relationship with him. I can see him wanting to back away from that. The situation is totally unclear. I feel tense, but I am glad I spoke with him.
The fact is that I'm in love with him. Maybe he's right. Maybe we can't be friends. It's all so cloak and dagger, we can't speak frankly sue to the YOW restrictions. I would keep my feelings in my heart for my entire life if it my husband would want to commit to this marriage and work on it with me. They are just feelings, they are just of this world, and this world passes away, this life passes by quicker that a twinkle of an eye. In the spiritual world the love can exist more purely and I would be able to hold my head up high, knowing that I had not sacrificed principle for my own ego.
I do understand his position in a sense. He has to step away from this. He has to put those boundaries in. He's a guy, he can't handle too complicated emotional situations. Women are better at that. And he doesn't want to sacrifice principle either.
I actually don't want a relationship with him. This is worth clarifying as one might assume that since I am in love with him I want to be in a relationship with him. But I actually don't. All I want is to be closer friends with him. And even if the YOW were to be over, that is still all I'd want.
As for this other guy, I had to be next to him during a very emotional ceremony the other day, it nearly killed me to not be able to connect to him emotionally and express my feeling to him. "I got it bad, and that ain't good". I spoke with him recently about our relationship - he says we can be friends, but then he doesn't make steps to make the friendship closer, but then the reality of when we are together is a very close kinship and bond. It's confusing to me. Mixed signals. I challenged him a little on it. He declared that friendships need to happen naturally, and accused me of pushing and changing. I retorted that perhaps he's not embracing it or he's resisting. He brought up what I'd said months ago about doubting if men and women could even be friends. I said I'd changed my mind on that point. The fact is that I think we can be friends. I think it would require a tremendous amount of thoughtfulness and care to remain aware of emotions. But to me, being friends with him, is separate from my marriage (assuming I am even still married). Marriage is a commitment. Once married you work through any problem that arises. There are always solutions, with enough creativity and determination, any challenge can be successfully won. Everything in life is like that. The issue I see, is that generally, people lack the creativity and determination to make things happen. And of course, you can't make someone do something, so you are only responsible for what you can effect your own determination upon. So looking at this circumstance. I attempted to affect the friendship with him, he's not into it. He claims he's too busy. He brought up a bunch of points, which I rallied back and in the end he said he's busy, he doesn't have time to be closer friends. Am I wrong? Is he right? At one point he said that issues which I'd raised on the past are still relevant. So I said, so are you saying it's better for us not to be friends right now? He dodged it and said better hasn't got anything to do with it, he doesn't have time. Was I wrong to have that conversation with him? To seek some clarity? I don't think I was. Of course the result is not what I would have my cherished outcome to be. But it's still something. At least, the frustration is clear. At least I've asserted what I want from the relationship. It probably could have been executed smoother, however, at least it did get done. I feel kind of sorry for him. I think it's a difficult situation for him. He's never been in a relationship before. He's a guy. He's young. Here's this older woman, strong, confident, experienced, but also in a YOW with her husband, telling him that she wants a closer relationship with him. I can see him wanting to back away from that. The situation is totally unclear. I feel tense, but I am glad I spoke with him.
The fact is that I'm in love with him. Maybe he's right. Maybe we can't be friends. It's all so cloak and dagger, we can't speak frankly sue to the YOW restrictions. I would keep my feelings in my heart for my entire life if it my husband would want to commit to this marriage and work on it with me. They are just feelings, they are just of this world, and this world passes away, this life passes by quicker that a twinkle of an eye. In the spiritual world the love can exist more purely and I would be able to hold my head up high, knowing that I had not sacrificed principle for my own ego.
I do understand his position in a sense. He has to step away from this. He has to put those boundaries in. He's a guy, he can't handle too complicated emotional situations. Women are better at that. And he doesn't want to sacrifice principle either.
I actually don't want a relationship with him. This is worth clarifying as one might assume that since I am in love with him I want to be in a relationship with him. But I actually don't. All I want is to be closer friends with him. And even if the YOW were to be over, that is still all I'd want.
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