The thing that I've realized is that this relationship I have with this other guy has almost all of the same emotional issues I had with my husband, it's like I just transplanted them into the new relationship. And it's not even a relationship. We hardly see each other, we are barely friends. Mere acquaintances or perhaps casual friends.
The same drama is playing out, thinking about him, daydreaming about him, thinking how wonderful he is, looking for signals from him, feeling emotionally unfulfilled, looking for clarity, being resentful to him for not stepping up more, trying to change it. It's as if it's the same relationship - and I hated my marital relationship, I was always pushing to change it.
So this is good insight. I feel kind of bad for this other guy. He has me getting all pissy with him, he didn't even do anything wrong. Ah well, I can't even tell him that because I am still caught in the drama. I am even considering not going to an event I would otherwise go to, because I know he'll be there. I sort of want to just cut him off, be done with it, and I don't know how to cut off the drama. I just want to be left in peace. I don't want this relationship drama anymore. Although, the fact is, that that conversation I had with him the other day was really good for me. It really helped my growth.
I'd like to say to him "I'm sorry about the other day. You haven't done anything wrong. This YOW is making me nuts and I think maybe I am in love with you." But I can't tell him that because I can't be around him. I feel like I am stuck in the drama of will he pay attention to me or won't he. The same drama I was stuck in with my mother and my husband.
I realized today that I was really angry. And I started to think, who or what am I angry at or about? It wasn't my husband, it wasn't the other guy, it wasn't God, I realized it was my parents. I thought that was very good insight and healing and growth.
I am angry at my parents. I am angry at my mother for not nurturing me and protecting me, instead for beating me, vilifying me, abusing me, ignoring me, and blaming me for her problems and stresses, and for never taking responsibility for it or realizing that she has a mental illness. I am angry at my father for standing by and letting injustice occur and not standing up to her for me, not protecting me, just hiding his face in the sand. Because of them, I have all these emotional issues now that are affecting my relationships and my family life. That makes me angry! I need to pray for forgiveness for them. And maybe, I need to tell them.
My only experience of family relationships is traumatic and conflictual. I don't even want to be married anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. This year, as long as I stay steadfast to it, is offering me incredible growth and self-awareness. I love it.
Thinking of seeing him makes me anxious. Makes me feel like I need to do something. Does that come from a legacy of abusive and high-conflict intimate relationships?
And if, confirmed by the Creator, the lover escapes from the claws of the eagle of love, he will enter The Valley of Knowledge and come out of doubt into certitude, and turn from the darkness of illusion to the guiding light of the fear of God. His inner eyes will open and he will privily converse with his Beloved; he will set ajar the gate of truth and piety, and shut the doors of vain imaginings. He in this station is content with the decree of God, and seeth war as peace, and findeth in death the secrets of everlasting life. With inward and outward eyes he witnesseth the mysteries of resurrection in the realms of creation and the souls of men, and with a pure heart apprehendeth the divine wisdom in the endless Manifestations of God. In the ocean he findeth a drop, in a drop he beholdeth the secrets of the sea.
Split the atom's heart, and lo!
Within it thou wilt find a sun.
The wayfarer in this Valley seeth in the fashionings of the True One nothing save clear providence, and at every moment saith: "No defect canst thou see in the creation of the God of Mercy: Repeat the gaze: Seest thou a single flaw?" He beholdeth justice in injustice, and in justice, grace. In ignorance he findeth many a knowledge hidden, and in knowledge a myriad wisdoms manifest. He breaketh the cage of the body and the passions, and consorteth with the people of the immortal realm. He mounteth on the ladders of inner truth and hasteneth to the heaven of inner significance. He rideth in the ark of "we shall show them our signs in the regions and in themselves," and journeyeth over the sea of "until it become plain to them that (this Book) is the truth." And if he meeteth with injustice he shall have patience, and if he cometh upon wrath he shall manifest love. - Baha'u'llah
I thought that I was in the Valley of Love, now, I think I used to be. I think that, Praise be to God, I have escaped from the claws of the eagle of love and have entered the Valley of Knowledge. I see the dynamic with this other guy for what it is. That I am working out some left-over drama with him. Praise be to God for this YOW and that I did not have the liberty to act on my emotions. Praise be to God for making me wait. Praise be to God for granting me steadfastness and insight.
I still like this guy. That's what makes interacting with him tres dangereux.
What's the next step? I'm stressing out about seeing him. I want to avoid him at all costs. Keep a low profile, just hang low, take care of my own self. I don't want to have anything to do with him, for I know he triggers me.
We can talk about it in September.
I feel for myself that I have so many issues with relationships from my childhood that I don't even want to be in another relationship. I have enough stuff to unpack for the rest of my life, why would I want to add more by getting married again? What sort of partner would be a good match for me, one that would help me with my issues rather than add more to them? I don't know.
I hope this guy know he didn't do anything wrong. Knowing him, he might use the feedback I gave him to his own self-growth somehow. I hope so.
I'm screwed. I really like this guy. I am so powerfully attracted to him, that I cannot be around him.
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