One thing that I thought of today, and I did think of many things, was that my husband, was jealous of my devotion to God. I don't know if this is really true, but it certainly appeared that way from his deeds. It appeared that he wanted me to conform to his will and abide by his law, rather than His will and His law.
"He hath let loose the two seas, that they meet each other: Between them is a barrier which they overpass not. Which then of the bounties of your Lord will ye deny? From each He bringeth up greater and lesser pearls."
(Qu'rá 55:19-20)
The above quotation is taken from a marriage prayer. This line has perplexed me for some time. What is the barrier which the seas cannot overpass? What is it that prevents a husband and wife from being one? My answer changes, today, my answer is God. Neither can overstep God's will, or come between a soul's devotion to its Creator, come between a person's love for the Beloved. My husband wanted to. As I wanted to. As many couples do.
What is this preoccupation we have, as a society, with romantic love? What is romantic love, but an accidental condition of life? Does romantic love even exist? Or is it just an idle fancy of a bewildered society? It is only in recent times, I believe, that this romantic obsession has grown to epidemic proportions. You can't turn on the radio without hearing about co-dependent romantic love and how it is the source of all glory and pain in one's life.
Romance is short-lived attachment, fascination. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that this is not real love, that this is a yielding to the accidental conditions of life. Baha'u'llah tells us that the drunkenness of passion hath perverted most of mankind. We are spiritually weak as a society, the fact that we are letting our passions sway us so deeply.
The only type of love which should inspire such passionate devotion as is the theme of many a song is the love for God and His Manifestations. Where are the daysprings of purity to sing of the love of the lover for the Beloved?
Can I develop my love for the Beloved to this extent, that my soul and heart will cry out with constant, undying fervor to God? That is the only love worth developing, everything else is but a reflection of this love. As you develop this love, your life will fill up with other types of love, but if you pursue the material and transient forms of love at the expense of the love of God, you will find you are chasing but a shadow and you will never attain your goal. Any undertaking undertaken with the love of God becomes fruitful. (I can't locate the exact quote, that's my best paraphrase.) I found the quote here it is:
If one possesses the love of God, everything that he undertakes is useful, but if the undertaking is without the love of God, then it is hurtful and the cause of veiling one’s self from the Lord of the Kingdom.
It is hard, though, to cast aside the world for God. To have faith and to do the right thing regardless of the outcome. Especially, for me, when there are passionate emotions of romantic attraction in play. I had no idea that attraction was such a powerful force. I didn't realize what dangerous passions I was playing with while I was conducting my information gathering with Boy. I feel blessed that I escaped from that without really falling off the path and for instance, having an affair. It would have been so simple.
I feel like I have really arrived somewhere. I feel like now that I have cut off this boy dynamic I can concentrate on my kids, my life, service, my friends. I have never been in a time in my life where I didn't have a boy-dynamic going on. I was either in a relationship, getting out of a relationship, wanting a relationship or, all three all together. And because of that I feel like I missed out on a lot of my life. I would spend time in daydreams and idle fancies about me and some boy, and miss the opportunities which were actually around me, miss grabbing life. I regret that. And now, here I am. I have cut it off with Boy, (as I like to add, even though there was nothing going on), and I have grabbed life. Here I am. I'm ready to fully be here. And it came from my own initiative, and not because I thought, it will be better for me, because that wouldn't have been enough of a motivating factor for me to really commit to, no, I did it because it was the right thing to do. And as I did it, I received diving confirmation and grace, and became filled up with love. "The betterment of the world can be accomplished through pure and goodly deeds, through commendable and seemly conduct." I just bettered the world ! Yee haw.
And when I say, there was nothing going on, that's a total lie. We weren't physically involved, we barely saw each other, but there was definitely something going on. It was unclear, murky, a non-relationship, a wanting to have my cake and eat it too. Wanting to have this romantic attraction and remain committed to my marriage. It's one or the other, you can't have both.
I really do wonder what his take on all of this is. What he thought was going on, how he felt, how he feels. Oh well, for now, I am content to let it rest. If my marriage comes back together, then I can safely pursue a friendship with Boy and perhaps years later, ask him about this time period. The important thing is that now I am safe. I am safe as I have cut it off. I have come into the guiding light of the Fear of God. Praise be to God for guiding me through the Valleys of Search and Love.
This YOW has so far been a rich journey. I dreaded it at the onset, and now I look back on it and I am proud of where I have come and what I've travelled through spiritually. It's been a spiritual adventure, so far. I wonder where the next four months will lead?
"The best is yet to come" a jazz song sings, I have no doubt.
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