Happy

I feel so good. I had no idea I could feel this good in my life. I hung out with a buddy of mine for hours and played guitar and sang. We worked on two songs I wrote. (Yes, I have written about 4 more songs in the last couple of days since that first one!). It was an awesome afternoon. Then, we went to some friends' place for a Ruhi refresher, and I stayed and hung with them afterwards. It was brilliant. I feel so happy. I feel loved, I feel relaxed, I feel in a good space in my life. I am thrilled to be playing guitar. I don't know how I loved my life without playing the guitar until now !
I feel like a good mother too. I am committed to the marriage, should my husband choose to come back. Marriage is worth it. You sometimes have to love the creatures for the sake of God. It's funny, the dynamic with my hubby has changed for me. He pulled a power game with the kids over the weekend, held them hostage until I emailed him, whatever. It will all get sorted out in court. That type of thing would have bothered me in the past, that anger against injustice. Now, I have tools for enforcing justice. And I realize that I can't change him, or enforce it myself. It will get sorted out through the courts. But the funny part is that I see him very lightly, playfully, and I see him as a worthy opponent to spar with in the arena of communication, justice etc. That dynamic between us has always been there, I guess I bring that, I am playful, I enjoy a match. And he is certainly stubborn, so a good match, very determined. Should be fun. Now that I have some space, detachment and now that there is Justice in our relationship. Back about a month before he left, I was really praying about manifesting Justice in our marriage - and now, he moved out, we have a very Just relationship. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
So far, this year is the best of my life. When this year started I had no idea how I was going to get through it. All I knew was that I had faith in Baha'u'llah and that somehow that would get me through it. Now that it's almost over and I feel like I've come through the worst part of it, I se how incredible this journey has been for me and I am so thankful for it.
If I were to tell myself what to do to get through this YOW, the answer would be, pray, be kind to yourself, stay steadfast to the marriage and the Laws, do things which bring you joy ! And I know that this year will just get better, and that life will get better and better, it has been getting better and better ever since I became a Baha'i. I am excited to see what will come next.
I remember back to the fall and winter, my total dread for this year, I was terrified, I had no idea how I would do this. Scared stiff comes to mind. I've learned to trust my friends, I've learned that I am worthwhile, I've learned that people love me, I've learned to receive love, I've learned to forgive myself and others, I've learned to be tolerant of myself and others, I've learned to be more loving, I've learned about boundaries, justice, communication, responsibility. It's been fantastic. I had so many doubts at the beginning of this year. I had no idea if I could do this. There's some quote about God knowing the fitness of a soul before it's tested and if it weren't for the test the soul would not recognize it's fitness or unfitness.
The biggest test for me was letting go of Boy. That was the last thing I was clinging to, which was preventing me from really submitting to the Will of God. It reminds me of the dream I had at the beginning of the YOW about the icebergs. (Did I ever write that here? I'll make sure to write it if I haven't, but not now.) It's about really letting go and trusting in God. Once I did that, powerful emotions came, I had no idea if I'd be able to handle it, I felt as if I was losing my relationship all over again, shows you how strongly I was clinging to that last veil before God. And the emotions came, and I was ok. I wrote, I played, I got support from friends, I prayed. I found the strength and ability to within me. It was a beautiful learning. Towards the beginning of this year, a counsellor asked me how I could fall in love with myself. Well, I think that by cutting it off with Boy, and effectively managing my emotions, I just did !


I will post some lyrics here.

UNKNOWN ROAD

O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.

This path You're askin' me to tread
I don't know how, I'm filled with dread.
Hold my hand, I beg Thee Lord,
As I go down this unknown road.

O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.

Were it not for Your loving light
I'd be among the lost in an awful plight
I'd walk through anything for You
I am Your lover pure and true

O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.

Your grace impermeates my past
My faith in You grows stronger fast
I pray, act, reflect and I know You're there
Leading me through all my worldly cares

O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.


BETRAYAL (still very rough)

This action you've taken
It's left my heart breakin'
It's torn my family apart
And I tell you dear, it's totally un-smart

Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool

You've ripped apart my family
What you've done to my children and me
How can I forgive you, you see
You bastard, it's all so elementary

Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool

All you needed to do is commit
And work on being happy a bit
I'm angry at you, for being so untrue
Mostly it's unjust to our babies two

Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool

I loved you dearly,
You broke my heart nearly
And I'd still take you back
Marriage is worth it, our kids are worth it,
Even though I feel like tellin' you to, hit the road, Jack

Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool