I saw Boy tonight, at an event. I had enlisted the support of some friends so they could stay near me, hold my hand, cuddle me, etc. That was a wise decision on my part. My heart was thumping, I was half panicking the whole time. I have no idea why it should be so hard to be around him, but it is. I just need to accept that. And I did accept that, it's accepting reality, accepting God's Will and then choosing how I will respond to reality. That is my choice, that is free will.
I think of this like an addiction to alcohol. I used to be an alcoholic. And I also always used to be in a relationship. There was always a boyfriend around. This boy became something like that for me. I totally ignored him tonight, I see it as a huge success, like being at a party where there was alcohol and not drinking. It's an addiction, being in a relationship. I need to find ways to grow without boyfriends. It makes sense, I was so lonely, damaged and hurt as a child, and very early on, I found physical comfort, fun, passion, joy, play, filling the grief, through physical interaction / emotional dependancy on / with guys. I think this relates to me being a little girl. That little girl has not yet found out who she is without a companion, just been given room to just be, and not need to interact with another. Now, I am giving myself that room to just be. And it is a struggle, there are strongly engraved patterns within me that attract me to single male interaction / attachment.
This boy, I am not even sure I would want to be in a relationship with him. At this point in my life I don't want to be in a relationship at all! I just want to be alone, in peace, allow myself time, space, to breathe, heal, be.
He was very respectful, he totally gave me space tonight too. I really appreciated that. And love him for it.
It's hard, I love people. I fall in love easily. I have a passionate nature. Thank God for the Laws which I am determined to follow. These Laws have been my strongest healer and impetus for growth.
It was ok while I was with people to ignore Boy, to control my thoughts. When I came home, took the dog out for a walk, I had more difficulty not thinking about him. And then I had the urge to call him. Like the alcoholic who wants to drink alone after she comes home. It feels so seductive, the idea of him.
O God, help me to heal and find more strength and peacefulness within myself. All I want is Thee. Nothing in this earth can ever compare to my longing after Thee. Make Thy Beauty to be my drink and Thy presence my hope, and praise of Thee my action. Number me with such of Thy servants, whom nothing whatsoever hath deterred from setting their faces towards Thee. Thou art the All-Loving, the All-Wise. Thou art the Ever-Bestowing, the Giving, the Protector, the Healer, the Guide.
I am so not interested in another relationship. I think this other guy I know is starting to develop an attraction to me. Annoying. It will have to be dealt with.
Help me to care for myself well, care for my children well. Not to stay up into the middle of the night brooding, thinking, analyzing. Help me to be kinder to myself. More loving. Get snuggled into bed, a good book, a good sleep. Sleep in, wake up, pray, breakfast, get ready for the day. Goal: To be kind to myself as I am doing difficult and demanding work right now.
Much love.
xoxo
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