I learned about commitment through my childhood, watching my parent's marriage. I watched them screw up, each of them, and in the end, walk away from the marriage. I learned how important it is to be committed. I knew I was committed when I married my husband, I had learned that lesson already. I assumed, he was committed too, I didn't realize how committed I was, nor did I assume someone else might not be. The lesson, looking back on my marriage now, that I learned, during the five years we were living together was free will and God's will. I can't make someone else do something, I thought that I could. I thought I could make my husband want to be a partner to me, the kind of partner I needed/ wanted / deserved. In the end he left, free will, but also, God's will.
I saw Boy today, twice, at two different community events. It's getting easier to see him. It is becoming more of a business relationship. I feel so relieved that this is not that big of a deal to me anymore. That I can concentrate on my own life, without him being central to my thoughts and existence. I can concentrate on my kids, my self, my home, service, career, friends, my needs. It feels very refreshing.
I took my wedding ring off yesterday. I am still faithful to my vows, but I am also happy to not be in a relationship. I am enjoying not having to work on a relationship, just allowing myself to be. It is also very refreshing. Even if the YOW were to now be lifted, I would not want to be in a relationship. I would still not date and just concentrate on my own life. As I said, I don't even have room in my life for a relationship. And with Boy, I would still keep things business-like. I am happy with the boundaries around me now.
I adore hearing love stories. Some friends came over tonight, and we shared heart-break stories, it was moving and romantic. These Baha'i relationships remind me of 18th century novels. There are all these passionate emotions, which are unexpressed and in the background, as life goes on regardless of them. Not like modern society, where, generally, people are slaves to their passions and act by their dictates. These Baha'i relationships allow much more emotional exploration and keep relationships safe as there are rules of engagement, so to speak, so hearts don't get as broken. If there'd be physical intimacy, then, hearts don't heal. That one act, is an act of commitment, we can argue it in society and try to prove how it's not and how it's just about pleasure and there's no meaning attached to it, but it's all moot. We're going against our spiritual nature if we insist on that point. Once there has been physical intimacy shared between two consenting adults, that deed indicates commitment. So if there hasn't been words to indicate the level of commitment expressed through sex, then there is an incongruency between word and deed. And hearts get broken. Words must match deeds. And the only words which match that deed are marriage vows before God, that's why sex is so sacred.
And then there is the attraction, emotional chemistry side of things. We have such strong natural drives to mate that there have to be strict morals governing us, if we are to create a peaceful, caring, loving, stable world. Take me and Boy for instance, he'd come over, he'd call me, he'd chat with me late at night, he'd linger over meals, he'd share emotionally deep concerns with me, why would he do that if he weren't attracted to me, would he do all of the above to a male friend or an unattractive female friend (unattractive in any way, I don't just mean the skin deep kind). Obviously not. The fact, however, is that we can be quite unaware and naive about our motivations.
By creating this boundary with him, I've made our relationship very safe. It's clear on both sides that we are not going to pretend that we are friends when really there is strong attraction there. Now, it's out in the open and it can be tossed aside (lightly). Of course, in my opinion, he is unaware of how he feels, which is so very often, the case with men.
And in the end, it doesn't matter. I have my life. I am happy and content and stable. I want to just concentrate on the very real challenges I have in my life currently, I don't need anymore, and I want to just be a Baha'i, serve the Faith, be a mother and live my life. What ends up happening, or what he chooses to do with all of this is of no concern to me. I only want to serve God, and be attracted to God, and be dependent on none other than God. All this fascination modern-society has with romantic love is misguided idle-fancies, for the most part.
Thank you Baha'u'llah for confirming my efforts during this test. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
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