Choices

I realized today that my husband hates me. This hatred has been building over the years we were married. He never really loved me, I am not sure he is capable of selflessly loving someone. I think he wanted to subjugate me to his will. And he could never quite manage to do that. Or perhaps, he was simply not capable of loving me? Anyway, the way he deals with me now and the way he dealt with me eight months ago when he left, these speak to him hating me.
I still wonder what is my commitment to this YOW? It’s obvious, and has been for quite some time now, that this relationship is not going to survive, that we are going to be getting a divorce. Am I supposed to still just wait? Or, by virtue of him being in a new committed relationship, is my commitment to him dissolved? In my heart, I feel like it is. I will always love him. I adore him. He has such wonderful potential. He is so determined, steadfast, detached, intelligent, a great orator, a natural leader - these are all the qualities which attracted me to him, on top of him being a total hunk. All of these qualities would have been such a bounty to serve alongside, if he had wanted to direct himself to serve God. It’s a loss that he is choosing instead to serve himself and his own ego.
So in four more months I will be divorced. I am looking forward to it. Am I supposed to not be? Is there something more I should be doing to save this marriage? In my heart, this relationship is already over, and has been for a long time. I am ready to simply let it go. Let it rest. Move on.
He's doing awful things still my husband. He is stealing the children from daycare if he wants to see them and I haven't agreed to him seeing them that day, and he simply keeps them until he wants to return them to me. The first time he did this, I felt myself fall apart, it was only Grace that held my body, mind and heart together. It felt like such a deep betrayal, even coming from my husband, who has betrayed me again and again and again. And most likely will continue to do so as long as there is a method for him to do it available.
Will I be married again? I am not sure. I like where I am at now. I like the relationship I have with my girls now. We are so close, and we are finding our way together. A man would alter this dynamic, would take me away from myself, away from my girls. At the same time, a man could add stability to our lives. A good man, with a good job, who loved me, could support me emotionally, could stabilize me financially. But at what cost? What would I have to give up in order to obtain that?
Currently, I feel stressed over the custody and access of the girls. I try to be compromising, but my husband is one who if he does not get what he wants through negotiations, will simply take it by force. It's a anxious place to be for me, I am very attached to clarity. I like knowing what's going to happen, I don't like instability and insecurity. Once there is a custody arrangement in place I will feel more relaxed, even a temporary one. External binds are the only thing my husband holds himself accountable to.
This is good learning for me, I am learning how to not worry over what is not in my control and be more disciplined with managing what is in my control, and learning to be joyful throughout.