Singing

I prayed for 2.5 hours today with a group of two other girl-friends. It was the most beautiful devotional gathering I've ever been to. It felt like adoration, worship, loving, we said all the long Tablets, interspersed with shorter prayers and songs. It felt like an embrace, it felt like making love to the Beloved. There was a build, a peak, and a tapering off. Like the caresses and kisses lovers give each other in the after-math of being intimate. It was so beautiful.
After I felt satiated, and also I felt lost and grieving and sad. I felt like I didn't know how to do this, I felt like it was fresh again, my husband having left, not having a relationship, being alone.
I have never worked so intensely on a relationship as I have in this YOW. When it's over, I don't even know if I will want to be in a relationship again. And from anyone's point of view on the outside, I am not in one now, my husband has left, moved in with another woman, he has no wish to work on this marriage at all. I, however, am committed to following the laws, being obedient and still working on what I can work on, which is myself and my patterns, emotions, tests etc. My effort and energy that I am putting into this marriage has not diminished, it has but increased. Except the venue has changed, there is no partner to try to reach, to try to work with, the venue is now my own self. Looking at myself and honestly seeing where I can grow, where I can develop. This is hard work. And also, very rewarding. I only hope that if I marry again that in a future marriage, I will be able to apply the skills I have learned in self-evaluating, and self-growth to a new union.
I was a good marriage partner before. Now I am going to be an even better one. I hope Baha'u'llah will help me find a suitable partner once this year is up.
I felt so sad, and then I felt moved to write. And I wrote and I wrote, three pages of rough song lyrics. And then I felt better ! And then later on I wrote that song from one of the lyrics sheets. I decided that I will take guitar lessons and learn to play the guitar so that I can sing more. A buddy of mine and I are going to get together an jam some. I'm really looking forward to that. I love music, I love singing, it always brings me up.
It's so important for me to have ways to channel my powerful emotional energy, rather than into a relationship. Relationships aren't meant to sustain that intensity of emotion. I need to find ways to manage my emotions and creativity myself. To let the relationship exist in a lighter fashion.
Boy is still somehow a part of all of this. He's not involved in anyway, but he's representative of someone who I am working through a lot of my growth with. I'm not thinking about him anymore the way I was, in an idle fancy sort of way. No, now, he's someone that I have an attraction toward, I like a lot and that I've put on hold while I figure out my stuff. I am thankful toward him for being understanding and giving me space. I have a special place in my heart for him. And in four more months I will be able to investigate what his role in my life is. Right now I need to concentrate on me. And push that attraction and those thoughts away.