I finally did it. I wrote to the House of Justice to ask what exactly I am expected to be doing during this YOW seeing as my husband is basically married to another woman (at least it's common-law at this point). It doesn't make sense to my small mind that I would be expected to still wait and remain prayerful. Maybe I am. And if I am, great! I'm all for following the Laws and doing what I'm supposed to be dong. I just wonder what that is right now.
I miss this other guy. There is nothing going on. I still miss him. It doesn't make sense to me what makes my feelings for him so strong.
Dastam begir, 'Abdu'l-Baha.
This YOW gives me nun-like status. I am off-limits to men. I can be a bride of God. The only love I can have for men is spiritual. I can develop my love for the Bab, Baha'u'llah, 'Abdu'l-Baha and the illustrious historical figures of our Faith.
I still wear my wedding ring on my wedding ring finger. While I was married I didn't wear the last year. Due to weight gain from pregnancy and then protest to my husband. When we got married we bought this ring very quickly, and we said that we would get new ones. We never did, and I never forgot, but he kept trying to avoid the issue, so I finally stopped wearing it to mark my protest. He used to like to play with my wedding ring when we held hands. He'd bend his finger up and fiddle with the ring on my finger. For most of the YOW, so far, I didn't wear it either, I would occasionally put it on, when going to an event where I'd be likely to get hit on and then I'd remove it. What is making me wear it recently? I feel more attached to it. Maybe I am wearing it as a means of saying goodbye now. i don't want my marriage to be over. I looked at pictures from our early years with my preschooler the other day. I saw how much fun we had. Him walking away is an illusion. He's not seeing the truth of our relationship.
When I take off my ring it's over. I was thinking of having a little mourning ceremony to mark the end of my marriage once it's over. Maybe I'll bury my ring.
Love
I'm shaking. I'm cold. I'm shivering. My gut feels wrenched out of my stomach. My throat is tight. My heart is heavy. My being feels like it's being cleaved in two. I feel like I am dying. I feel ill. I feel sick with longing. I am in love with this guy. And it aches to be around him. It aches to not be around him. I am torn in two. And my only reason for putting myself through this misery is to honour the YOW. I just came back from seeing him, I went to another friend's, there was no intention on my part at all to see him, and he happened to come over while I was there. It is a physical pain. There is the story of Layli and Majnun, he was sick with love for her, it says that his body was worn away to a wisp from long grieving. My body is little more that wisp now. This is the Valley of Love. All of these efforts are for God, hence I hope they will be blessed. But oh the pain of it all. I hate being around him. I hate not being around him. I find it peculiar that in this YOW my main source of pain should come from a man other than my husband. I put on a brave face when he came. I excused myself, said some prayers, returned and managed to behave socially and courteously to both of them. I long to know more about him. All I want is to learn about him , his experiences, what makes him laugh, what he thinks about things, to have his sincere, truthful eyes rest upon mine. I am love-sick. I don't know what to do. O God, please let this pass. Please let me get through this. Without Thy strength to support and guide me, I will be accounted among the lost, for absolute certain. O God, please guide me, protect me. Make this test a cause of bounty to my spirit, help me be ever-ready to serve Thee, allow this sacrifice in the path of Thy good-pleasure to be accepted. I know of no other helper save Thee. Thou are the Kind, the Protector, the Unseen Guardian.
It pains me to no end, the thought of him. The loss of him. The longing for him. I'm practically good for nothing else, I have to take care of my kids, and am doing a reasonably good job at that, I have to take care of the house, the food, it seems to me that just the bare necessities are getting done this year. Shivers. Tears. Aches. How can I go on without him? I've really fallen for him. And I don't even know if it is real. Perhaps it's simply a coincidence? No one else's presence affects me this way. Is it just a trick of the mind that has made me feel this way? Is there anyway out of this pain, is really the sub-text that my mind is asking. Love is transforming, and with it brings pain. To love him, to truly accept how I feel about him, brings with it immense pain. For I must forsake him, I must renounce him. I cannot have him. I must literally tear myself away from him. To have found someone whom I love and to not be able to be fully hold that in his presence is crushing, to not be able to embrace that, to not utter a word of that reality, to not share that with him. It was all I could do to keep from crying when he first arrived. I felt like the wind had rushed through me, like I had lost myself entirely, like I had become vaporous, a formless being, evanescent. Dastam bagir, Abdul-Baha, I prayed while around him. And as hard as it is to be around him, I yearn for it. For in being close to him, and feeling the pain that it brings, I come closer to God. And I can intimately know God. And so I feel drawn towards him, like a moth to a flame. Even though it hurts to be around him, to not be around him hurts more, for at least when I am around him I feel the sharp sweetness of the pain. Is that masochistic? Whatever it may be, it is true. Although, perhaps, the pain is only sweet if it comes from God, not if I arrange it. Like today, it was not in my plans, it just happened that our paths crossed. And from that crossing I had the bounty of drawing closer to God, of feeling myself walk that sharp path.
O God! Your sweet darts of pain. Piercing my heart. Piercing my soul. It is only in the pain that I feel Thy love. The agony of death on Thy path. The ecstasy of birth through death. O God, please guide my steps, guide my thoughts, make me a cause of bounty to the human world despite the minor difficulties I am asked to bear. Cause me to be devoted to Thy Beauty, withdraw me from all else save Thee. Let me quaff, O my God, in Thy path, whatsoever Thou didst desire. Help me to serve Thee. Help me to love Thee. Thou art Powerful and Kind, Thou are the Bestower, the Generous, the Lord of Surpassing Bounty.
It pains me to no end, the thought of him. The loss of him. The longing for him. I'm practically good for nothing else, I have to take care of my kids, and am doing a reasonably good job at that, I have to take care of the house, the food, it seems to me that just the bare necessities are getting done this year. Shivers. Tears. Aches. How can I go on without him? I've really fallen for him. And I don't even know if it is real. Perhaps it's simply a coincidence? No one else's presence affects me this way. Is it just a trick of the mind that has made me feel this way? Is there anyway out of this pain, is really the sub-text that my mind is asking. Love is transforming, and with it brings pain. To love him, to truly accept how I feel about him, brings with it immense pain. For I must forsake him, I must renounce him. I cannot have him. I must literally tear myself away from him. To have found someone whom I love and to not be able to be fully hold that in his presence is crushing, to not be able to embrace that, to not utter a word of that reality, to not share that with him. It was all I could do to keep from crying when he first arrived. I felt like the wind had rushed through me, like I had lost myself entirely, like I had become vaporous, a formless being, evanescent. Dastam bagir, Abdul-Baha, I prayed while around him. And as hard as it is to be around him, I yearn for it. For in being close to him, and feeling the pain that it brings, I come closer to God. And I can intimately know God. And so I feel drawn towards him, like a moth to a flame. Even though it hurts to be around him, to not be around him hurts more, for at least when I am around him I feel the sharp sweetness of the pain. Is that masochistic? Whatever it may be, it is true. Although, perhaps, the pain is only sweet if it comes from God, not if I arrange it. Like today, it was not in my plans, it just happened that our paths crossed. And from that crossing I had the bounty of drawing closer to God, of feeling myself walk that sharp path.
O God! Your sweet darts of pain. Piercing my heart. Piercing my soul. It is only in the pain that I feel Thy love. The agony of death on Thy path. The ecstasy of birth through death. O God, please guide my steps, guide my thoughts, make me a cause of bounty to the human world despite the minor difficulties I am asked to bear. Cause me to be devoted to Thy Beauty, withdraw me from all else save Thee. Let me quaff, O my God, in Thy path, whatsoever Thou didst desire. Help me to serve Thee. Help me to love Thee. Thou art Powerful and Kind, Thou are the Bestower, the Generous, the Lord of Surpassing Bounty.
"The heart that is free of love sickness isn't a heart at all. The body deprived of the pangs of love is nothing but clay and water" - Jami
Whatever you taste of love, in whatever manner, in whatever degree - it is a tiny part of Divine Love. Love between men and women is also a part of the Divine Love. But sometimes the beloved becomes a curtain between love and realization of true love. One day that curtain will lift and then the real Beloved, the real goal will appear in all Divine glory.
What is important is to have this feeling of love in your heart, in whatever from and shape. It is also important that you be loved. It is easier to love than to be the beloved. If you have been in love you will certainly reach the Beloved one day" - Sheikh Muzaffer
"Lovers convere with people only as much as they need to. For the most part, they prefer to be alone and by themselves, for they yearn for intimate communion with the Beloved. They are constantly in meditation. They do not enjoy excessive converation and always prefer not to talk. They do not understand conversation about anything other than God.
When they encounter misfortune, they do not grumble and complain. They know that misfortune comes from the Friend, and see the benefits contained in seeming misfortune. Divine Love has possessed them, and they have plunged lovingly into the fire of love. Going barefoot, bareheaded, and poorly clad does not worry them at all.
They hear no words but the words of God. They never cease from the remembrance of God. Everywhere they behold God's Beauty. Their aim is God alone, and their desire is God's good pleasure." - Sheikh Muzaffer
"Glory to Thee, O my God! But for the tribulations which are sustained in Thy path, how could Thy true lovers be recognized; and were it not for the trials which are borne for love of Thee, how could the station of such as yearn for Thee be revealed? Thy might beareth me witness! The companions of all who adore Thee are the tears they shed, and the comforters of such as seek Thee are the groans they utter, and the food of them who haste to meet Thee is the fragments of their broken hearts.
How sweet to my taste is the bitterness of death suffered in Thy path, and how precious in my estimation are the shafts of Thine enemies when encountered for the sake of the exaltation of Thy word! Let me quaff in Thy Cause, O my God, whatsoever Thou didst desire, and send down upon me in Thy love all Thou didst ordain. By Thy glory! I wish only what Thou wishest, and cherish what Thou cherishest. In Thee have I, at all times, placed my whole trust and confidence.
Raise up, I implore Thee, O my God, as helpers to this Revelation such as shall be counted worthy of Thy name and of Thy sovereignty, that they may remember me among Thy creatures, and hoist the ensigns of Thy victory in Thy land.
Potent art Thou to do what pleaseth Thee. No God is there but Thee, the Help in Peril, the Self-Subsisting." - Baha'u'llah
"Wells of tears are the eyes of the lovers, whilst charming indifference is the response of the objects of their desires. Shouldst the lover cry out with pain hundreds of times over, the beloved shall only add to the anguish of the lover. Shoudst thou desire to drink of the Cup of Reunion, thou must submit to evanescence; and if thou wishest to partake of the Wine of His beauty, thou must enter the valley of privation." - Baha'u'llah
"I swear by Thy majesty, O my Lord, that these calamities are sweeter than the sweetest nectar, and more desirable than the breath of life; for unless those longing after the Ka‟ba of reunion transcend the limits of grandeur, they shall not delight in the joy of the manifestation of Thy beauty. Unless they quaff their fill from the chalice of selflessness, they shall not enter the threshold of immortality. Unless they attire themselves with the garb of poverty in the path of Thy good pleasure, they shall not be blessed with the exalted cloak of riches. Unless they are afflicted with the ailment of fervid love; they shall not discover the abode of healing. Unless they renounce their earthly home, they shall not ascend to the land of divine holiness. Unless they die to the perpetual desert of desire, they shall not attain life eternal. Unless they take refuge in the land of abasement, they shall not find the path to the heaven of exaltation. Unless they taste of the venom of separation, they shall not savour the sweetness of divine presence; and unless they traverse the wilds of remoteness and bereavement, they shall not abide secure in the cities of nearness and reunion." - Baha'u'llah
Beloved
"For the infidel, error-- for the faithful, faith;
For 'Attar's heart, an atom of Thy pain."
"O SON OF MAN! The true lover yearneth for tribulation even as doth the rebel for forgiveness and the sinful for mercy."
For 'Attar's heart, an atom of Thy pain."
"O SON OF MAN! The true lover yearneth for tribulation even as doth the rebel for forgiveness and the sinful for mercy."
Cry Me a River
Now you say you're lonely
You cry the long night through
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you
Now you say you're sorry
For being so untrue
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you
You drove me, nearly drove me, out of my head
While you never shed a tear
Remember, I remember, all that you said
You told me love was too plebeian
Told me you were through with me and
Now you say you love me
Well, just to prove that you do
Come on and cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you
I cried a river over you
I cried a river...over you...
You cry the long night through
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you
Now you say you're sorry
For being so untrue
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you
You drove me, nearly drove me, out of my head
While you never shed a tear
Remember, I remember, all that you said
You told me love was too plebeian
Told me you were through with me and
Now you say you love me
Well, just to prove that you do
Come on and cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you
I cried a river over you
I cried a river...over you...
Boots - Nancy Sinatra
You keep saying you've got something for me.
something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't had time to learn.
Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't had time to learn.
Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
Marriage
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Friends
I had such a lovely time with a friend of mine this evening. She is insightful, intuitive, compassionate, giving, open, caring and loving. I am so blessed to have close friends around me to support me emotionally during this time.
I feel so confused sometimes, I still feel very strongly towards this other guy. Emotionally, between my husband and myself things are lighter, there's more space - definitely an improvement in the dynamic. He's totally not interested, he claims, when I bring it up, that "that ship has sailed". Oh well. His choice, not mine. May Baha'u'llah guide him to the light.
The hard part is managing my emotions and interactions with this other guy. I never feel like what I am doing is inappropriate. I check to see if my husband was there, or if he wanted to come back would my commitment to him be compromised. And the answer is always no. But I still feel very emotional about the other guy. Like I want more of a deeper emotional friendship or connection. I am fascinated by him. I want to know him more. I guess the question is, can that exist between a man and a woman without it becoming romantic in some way? He's inexperienced emotionally this guy. He is insightful and aware too, and a quick learner. I am not sure he's interested in having a more meaningful, deeper emotional relationship. And at what point does that kind of relationship between a man and a woman become an emotional affair? Let's look it up. Ok, so, don't you just love the internet? Apparently an emotional affair is when you think about the friend of the opposite sex more than your partner, can imagine touching them, share intimate details with them. Hmmm. Sounds to me like this is an emotional affair.
The guidance in the Writings is that it's beyond the bounds of propriety to start to date in a spirit of courtship during the YOW, and that faithfulness in marriage implies absolute chastity before marriage and absolute faithfulness in word and deed after marriage to one's chosen marriage companion. Therefore, it would appear that as long as I am not talking about loving this person with him, or doing any inappropriate actions with him, that I am still conforming to Baha'i Teachings, during the YOW, would it not?
My yard stick is always that if my husband were to want to work on the marriage this second, then for me, that would be the best thing. No matter how strongly I feel about this other person, it would not be enough to even make me blink if I could have my marriage and my husband back.
The above definition of an emotional affair implies that the person's spouse is interested in having an emotional relationship with them and that they are simply running away from it and getting their needs met elsewhere. That is what makes it problematic and wrong. However, it seems to me, that in this case, as my husband walked out on me, is shacked up with another woman, wants nothing to do with the marriage or working on it, that it's quite normal for my emotional needs to be met in other relationships.
I feel so confused sometimes, I still feel very strongly towards this other guy. Emotionally, between my husband and myself things are lighter, there's more space - definitely an improvement in the dynamic. He's totally not interested, he claims, when I bring it up, that "that ship has sailed". Oh well. His choice, not mine. May Baha'u'llah guide him to the light.
The hard part is managing my emotions and interactions with this other guy. I never feel like what I am doing is inappropriate. I check to see if my husband was there, or if he wanted to come back would my commitment to him be compromised. And the answer is always no. But I still feel very emotional about the other guy. Like I want more of a deeper emotional friendship or connection. I am fascinated by him. I want to know him more. I guess the question is, can that exist between a man and a woman without it becoming romantic in some way? He's inexperienced emotionally this guy. He is insightful and aware too, and a quick learner. I am not sure he's interested in having a more meaningful, deeper emotional relationship. And at what point does that kind of relationship between a man and a woman become an emotional affair? Let's look it up. Ok, so, don't you just love the internet? Apparently an emotional affair is when you think about the friend of the opposite sex more than your partner, can imagine touching them, share intimate details with them. Hmmm. Sounds to me like this is an emotional affair.
The guidance in the Writings is that it's beyond the bounds of propriety to start to date in a spirit of courtship during the YOW, and that faithfulness in marriage implies absolute chastity before marriage and absolute faithfulness in word and deed after marriage to one's chosen marriage companion. Therefore, it would appear that as long as I am not talking about loving this person with him, or doing any inappropriate actions with him, that I am still conforming to Baha'i Teachings, during the YOW, would it not?
My yard stick is always that if my husband were to want to work on the marriage this second, then for me, that would be the best thing. No matter how strongly I feel about this other person, it would not be enough to even make me blink if I could have my marriage and my husband back.
The above definition of an emotional affair implies that the person's spouse is interested in having an emotional relationship with them and that they are simply running away from it and getting their needs met elsewhere. That is what makes it problematic and wrong. However, it seems to me, that in this case, as my husband walked out on me, is shacked up with another woman, wants nothing to do with the marriage or working on it, that it's quite normal for my emotional needs to be met in other relationships.
Light
I went to a jazz concert tonight, Diana Krall. It was brilliant. So sweet, melodic and romantic. I found myself missing a consort throughout. It allowed time for musing. I had a mini-break through in my thinking, I think. See, I have the habit of dreading the fact that I am in a YOW and can't get involved in another relationship. But then I posed myself the question - if it were over right now, what would I be doing differently in my life? The answer surprised me, nothing, except I'd be being happier, lighter. So why not embrace my happiness now? I will. I will. I will. Will I? I will.
There's so much happiness to be found in life. For example, I like talking to my friend. I really like him. He makes me feel very happy, light-hearted, joyful. It's fun and sweet. I like to tease him about him not having time to pursue a relationship, he's so busy. I like people. I like talking to them, getting to know them, teasing them, playing with them, joking around with them. I'm a pretty good judge of character and pretty social. So it's interactions like these that make me feel more joyful and lighter. I need more of that in my life. Enough melancholy, enough brooding.
I feel really happy. I feel like I am full of happiness in my chest, I feel great ! This is a fantastic feeling. How did it get here? I went out to a concert, with people I love, had a good time, made up my mind to be happier and lighter, spoke with a friend who makes me feel happier. It's important to know which circumstances created the feeling, so that I can choose to re-created it.
Generally, I find that I am getting happier and happier. Of course, there is still pain. There is still pain of him choosing to leave. But oh well. I realized tonight that that pain will always be there. On all my relationships, the memories of them are bittersweet. I love all those exes, but it's mingled with pain. I guess now, I want to save myself the bitterness and just keep the sweetness in my relationships, romantic and non-romantic.
One of the aspects of my mini-revelations this evening was that I would actually not be doing anything differently with my guy friend either. I'm just enjoying the friendship for where it's at, and anyway, I get no clues from him that he is interested in any way at all. The nice thing is that by being so cautious and really processing my own emotions and keeping them at a thoughtful distance from the relationship I am giving it a great chance for being one of these relationships where there is only sweetness and no bitterness, no matter what happens.
Relationships with people are important, something tells me they are the most important. Of course we have quotes to back that up,
Relationships need to be protected. Relationships are hearts being bound together, and we must be careful with others' hearts, and our own.
This has been one of my big learnings, is that all men are not created equal, some will hurt you. And I have learned to have better boundaries and protect myself from being hurt.
There's so much happiness to be found in life. For example, I like talking to my friend. I really like him. He makes me feel very happy, light-hearted, joyful. It's fun and sweet. I like to tease him about him not having time to pursue a relationship, he's so busy. I like people. I like talking to them, getting to know them, teasing them, playing with them, joking around with them. I'm a pretty good judge of character and pretty social. So it's interactions like these that make me feel more joyful and lighter. I need more of that in my life. Enough melancholy, enough brooding.
I feel really happy. I feel like I am full of happiness in my chest, I feel great ! This is a fantastic feeling. How did it get here? I went out to a concert, with people I love, had a good time, made up my mind to be happier and lighter, spoke with a friend who makes me feel happier. It's important to know which circumstances created the feeling, so that I can choose to re-created it.
Generally, I find that I am getting happier and happier. Of course, there is still pain. There is still pain of him choosing to leave. But oh well. I realized tonight that that pain will always be there. On all my relationships, the memories of them are bittersweet. I love all those exes, but it's mingled with pain. I guess now, I want to save myself the bitterness and just keep the sweetness in my relationships, romantic and non-romantic.
One of the aspects of my mini-revelations this evening was that I would actually not be doing anything differently with my guy friend either. I'm just enjoying the friendship for where it's at, and anyway, I get no clues from him that he is interested in any way at all. The nice thing is that by being so cautious and really processing my own emotions and keeping them at a thoughtful distance from the relationship I am giving it a great chance for being one of these relationships where there is only sweetness and no bitterness, no matter what happens.
Relationships with people are important, something tells me they are the most important. Of course we have quotes to back that up,
"Consort with all men, O people of Bahá, in a spirit of friendliness and fellowship. If ye be aware of a certain truth, if ye possess a jewel, of which others are deprived, share it with them in a language of utmost kindliness and good-will. If it be accepted, if it fulfill its purpose, your object is attained. If any one should refuse it, leave him unto himself, and beseech God to guide him. Beware lest ye deal unkindly with him. A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding. . . "
Relationships need to be protected. Relationships are hearts being bound together, and we must be careful with others' hearts, and our own.
This has been one of my big learnings, is that all men are not created equal, some will hurt you. And I have learned to have better boundaries and protect myself from being hurt.
sweet
I am bitter. Cynical. I don't want to be bitter - how to do my work to work through this? How to be sweet despite this heart-break? What prayers are there to call upon the quality of sweetness?
Diana Krall - Pick yourself up
Nothings impossible I have found
For when my chin is on the ground
I pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again
Don't lose your confidence if you slip
Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again
Work like a soul inspired till the battle of the day is won
You may be sick and tired but you'll be a man my son
Don't you remember the famous man who had to fall to rise again?
They picked themselves up, dust themselves off and started all over again
For when my chin is on the ground
I pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again
Don't lose your confidence if you slip
Be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again
Work like a soul inspired till the battle of the day is won
You may be sick and tired but you'll be a man my son
Don't you remember the famous man who had to fall to rise again?
They picked themselves up, dust themselves off and started all over again
The snail.
It seems it ain't so easy to just decide not to think about the separation anymore, or feel bad about it anymore.
I examine my emotions and realize that it's the living alone part which I feel allergic to. I had so much aloneness when I was growing up. But I am seeing this new therapist, this loving, older, South American lady. She's made me see that I have a lot of resilience in me and that I've survived a lot of difficult times by reaching into myself and finding the answers within me. Also, she's pointed out that I've been examining reality and then deciding on my actions, I haven't been buying into the reality of when I was a depressed kid. So I am looking at this new situation with me being a single-mom with the two kids. I am not a kid anymore. I am not helpless. True, I have a devastating life experience that has come my way, and the pain is still fresh and strong. I can deal with the pain later, that is one thing I have realized about my emotions, they will still be there if I let them sit for a while, they will be just as strong, only I will have some more perspective and be better able to respond to them. So, I will just let all that pain be there for now, it can co-exist, I am aware of it, but I don't need to wade into it, I can just let it be.
I won't think about him and her. I won't think about my kids there. I won't think about my in-laws and sister-in-laws, or the rest of his family, or how our life could have been, or the betrayal, deceit and unfaithfulness.
Ahh, but instead, what will I think about? Do I have the strength to pull myself up out of the muck? I must have it within me, there's nothing I don't believe is possible.
It's lonely living alone and taking care of the kids. Although, my kids bring me a lot of joy and they are wonderful girls, they also require a lot of patience, thoughtfulness, care, effort, energy. They are still very young. I feel unfocused, like when I have free time I sort of don't know what to do with it. Like I could just read and dream and write and feel and express a large part of my foreseeable future away.
And then I have plans. I need to do my taxes, I need to start to work, I need to clean, be efficient, be organized. But I don't want to. I just want to wallow, to heal. I don't know what to do.
Everything seems like it is uphill.
A dear friend told me of the four rooms. The first room is contentment, everything is fine. The second is change. The third is denial, you resist the change. The fourth is chaos. It is in this forth room that you grow, it's the room that has the largest potential. You can only see the growth in retrospect, and while you are in it, there's no perspective. This is where I am. I just want to get through the rest of the year.
Diana Krall plays her sweet jazz in the background. I feel like everything is utterly pointless.
So, I started to say that it's lonely to live alone. There are parts of being alone that I like, such as the evenings, once the kids are asleep and being able to blog and listen to jazz, read, watch a movie, drink a cup of tea, email etc. These evenings are nice. There are parts that are difficult, supper-time, after supper, late afternoon, early morning. Times where it's normal to have someone else around. Family times.
I know I am still married, but in the beginning of the year, all I wanted was to be free to get into another relationship. Now, I feel like even once I can, I may not even want to. I just feel like even if I were to try to date or meet someone, like my heart wouldn't be in it.
This dear friend of mine, an older lady, who has had a large part of tests and challenges in her life, including divorce, told me that from her experience there is nothing more difficult than divorce. So I have that to look forward to, I just need to get through this year.
I feel empty inside. Drinking, sex, these things would go well with my mood right now. Totally unhealthy choices. I feel like my spirit has been broken. I don't know which way is up. I don't know which way is forward.
I have felt this horrible emptiness before. When I was at university, towards the end of the year, when I didn't really know what my plans for the summer or the following year were. So I smoked, took photographs, sort of did nothing.
Maybe I need to impose a routine on myself? Maybe I need to get a job?
Ok, so I started to talk about examining reality and looking at my situation now as a single mom. What can help me? I have already decided to go back to school, I am applying for an MSc in Business for the fall. Hopefully, I'll get in.
I really miss having family life. I like people around. I feel good with people around.
Marriage is just a contract. I could see myself trying to find a suitable partner after this year, and really approaching it pragmatically. This may not be a bad thing. I am such a passionate, emotional person that that aspect will be a part of any of my relationships. I should maybe just leave the match-making to my head, not my heart. It's just a matter of marketing and statistics and probability.
It all boils down to the pain I am in. And it's there, and it's very real, and there is no where to run from it.
Not that I'd want to. I'd rather embrace it and grow through it.
I remember a year ago, my baby was born, I had PPD - I saw my homeopath and it began to improve. (Now, I think homeopathy is just a bunch of vain-imaginings, but then I believed it). Anyway, I bring this up, because for about one month I wrote and wrote and wrote. I had this new journal and I wrote hundreds of pages in one month. I grieved my marriage, I realized my husband would not be who I thought he could be. This grief lasted for a few months, and then it suddenly lifted. It lifted in June. I remember being so relieved. I remember praying and realizing that I couldn't serve the Faith the way I wanted to, if I was constantly putting all my spiritual energy into my ailing marriage. And a short while later I got a strong helping of detachment and the sorrow of my husband being emotionally unavailable stopped bothering me. I find that this time sort of parallels that time. I am writing lots, it seems that this grief is pouring out of me, I am expressing and feeling and like a mountaineer, I am picking my way up this path.
The difference I guess between now and last year is that I can see the end now. This is all there is. I used to make me excited, that the end of this year would come. Now, I think it will be rather unceremonious. It will just pass and I won't be like a horse out of a starting gate, which is what I used to feel like, I'll be rather like a snail. Actually, I kind of like that image.
I saw this poster on a Lululemon advertisement. "Do now be afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still." That's me. Slow growth. A snail.
I feel bad for my kids. But again, I really need to examine that and face it honestly. I am good mother. How do I know that? I engage them, I laugh with them, support them. I feel very not confident with what I do with them. I would like to have a partner to discuss parenting with. It would help me, it would improve my parenting. I can discuss parenting with people who I think have success is that area. I need to come up with what I am actually unsure about. It seems like I am going through this blind.
I get compliments on my kids. That's a good indicator that I am doing something right. It seems like such an overwhelming task, raising children.
This guy friend of mine, when I talk to him, I feel encouraged, I find that he supports me. When I examine this relationship, I see that in fact, there are a lot of compatibilities. And then I say, so what? I've never said so what to a romantic relationship before, even a potential one. I've side-stepped potential, fleed from it, but never actually said, I don't care.
I'm not taking that good care of myself. Lately I am staying up late, not eating well, feeling bummed, not being very efficient. When the kids aren't here I hardly eat.
It seems that I can't just shake this as easily as I want to. I feel like I have nothing I am excited about. No pressure. Perhaps I really do need a job or routine of some kind? Otherwise, my job ends up being emotional processing. It's just passing the time, waiting for the year to end. I guess I am afraid, I am afraid of making wrong choices, getting a job and feeling overwhelmed, and my kids suffering, but honestly, when I don't have anything to do, I feel so bummed that I am not good to them anyway. Ultimately, happy moms count for a lot. I really do need to figure out how to be happy. And then she slumped on her desk.
Everyone finds their own way through these types of things. My therapist made me see one of my skills in dealing with this, that I am a communicator, I gather information, sort it, take what works for me, leave the rest. That's what I've been doing. I've been talking to people. And in the end, it's very helpful to see how others go through these things. And then make my own way through anyway.
One thing that comes up again and again is that I need to treat myself very well during this time. Be very kind to myself, as this is awful, horrible, devastating.
I can't imagine it ever passing. I am sure it will.
I examine my emotions and realize that it's the living alone part which I feel allergic to. I had so much aloneness when I was growing up. But I am seeing this new therapist, this loving, older, South American lady. She's made me see that I have a lot of resilience in me and that I've survived a lot of difficult times by reaching into myself and finding the answers within me. Also, she's pointed out that I've been examining reality and then deciding on my actions, I haven't been buying into the reality of when I was a depressed kid. So I am looking at this new situation with me being a single-mom with the two kids. I am not a kid anymore. I am not helpless. True, I have a devastating life experience that has come my way, and the pain is still fresh and strong. I can deal with the pain later, that is one thing I have realized about my emotions, they will still be there if I let them sit for a while, they will be just as strong, only I will have some more perspective and be better able to respond to them. So, I will just let all that pain be there for now, it can co-exist, I am aware of it, but I don't need to wade into it, I can just let it be.
I won't think about him and her. I won't think about my kids there. I won't think about my in-laws and sister-in-laws, or the rest of his family, or how our life could have been, or the betrayal, deceit and unfaithfulness.
Ahh, but instead, what will I think about? Do I have the strength to pull myself up out of the muck? I must have it within me, there's nothing I don't believe is possible.
It's lonely living alone and taking care of the kids. Although, my kids bring me a lot of joy and they are wonderful girls, they also require a lot of patience, thoughtfulness, care, effort, energy. They are still very young. I feel unfocused, like when I have free time I sort of don't know what to do with it. Like I could just read and dream and write and feel and express a large part of my foreseeable future away.
And then I have plans. I need to do my taxes, I need to start to work, I need to clean, be efficient, be organized. But I don't want to. I just want to wallow, to heal. I don't know what to do.
Everything seems like it is uphill.
A dear friend told me of the four rooms. The first room is contentment, everything is fine. The second is change. The third is denial, you resist the change. The fourth is chaos. It is in this forth room that you grow, it's the room that has the largest potential. You can only see the growth in retrospect, and while you are in it, there's no perspective. This is where I am. I just want to get through the rest of the year.
Diana Krall plays her sweet jazz in the background. I feel like everything is utterly pointless.
So, I started to say that it's lonely to live alone. There are parts of being alone that I like, such as the evenings, once the kids are asleep and being able to blog and listen to jazz, read, watch a movie, drink a cup of tea, email etc. These evenings are nice. There are parts that are difficult, supper-time, after supper, late afternoon, early morning. Times where it's normal to have someone else around. Family times.
I know I am still married, but in the beginning of the year, all I wanted was to be free to get into another relationship. Now, I feel like even once I can, I may not even want to. I just feel like even if I were to try to date or meet someone, like my heart wouldn't be in it.
This dear friend of mine, an older lady, who has had a large part of tests and challenges in her life, including divorce, told me that from her experience there is nothing more difficult than divorce. So I have that to look forward to, I just need to get through this year.
I feel empty inside. Drinking, sex, these things would go well with my mood right now. Totally unhealthy choices. I feel like my spirit has been broken. I don't know which way is up. I don't know which way is forward.
I have felt this horrible emptiness before. When I was at university, towards the end of the year, when I didn't really know what my plans for the summer or the following year were. So I smoked, took photographs, sort of did nothing.
Maybe I need to impose a routine on myself? Maybe I need to get a job?
Ok, so I started to talk about examining reality and looking at my situation now as a single mom. What can help me? I have already decided to go back to school, I am applying for an MSc in Business for the fall. Hopefully, I'll get in.
I really miss having family life. I like people around. I feel good with people around.
Marriage is just a contract. I could see myself trying to find a suitable partner after this year, and really approaching it pragmatically. This may not be a bad thing. I am such a passionate, emotional person that that aspect will be a part of any of my relationships. I should maybe just leave the match-making to my head, not my heart. It's just a matter of marketing and statistics and probability.
It all boils down to the pain I am in. And it's there, and it's very real, and there is no where to run from it.
Not that I'd want to. I'd rather embrace it and grow through it.
I remember a year ago, my baby was born, I had PPD - I saw my homeopath and it began to improve. (Now, I think homeopathy is just a bunch of vain-imaginings, but then I believed it). Anyway, I bring this up, because for about one month I wrote and wrote and wrote. I had this new journal and I wrote hundreds of pages in one month. I grieved my marriage, I realized my husband would not be who I thought he could be. This grief lasted for a few months, and then it suddenly lifted. It lifted in June. I remember being so relieved. I remember praying and realizing that I couldn't serve the Faith the way I wanted to, if I was constantly putting all my spiritual energy into my ailing marriage. And a short while later I got a strong helping of detachment and the sorrow of my husband being emotionally unavailable stopped bothering me. I find that this time sort of parallels that time. I am writing lots, it seems that this grief is pouring out of me, I am expressing and feeling and like a mountaineer, I am picking my way up this path.
The difference I guess between now and last year is that I can see the end now. This is all there is. I used to make me excited, that the end of this year would come. Now, I think it will be rather unceremonious. It will just pass and I won't be like a horse out of a starting gate, which is what I used to feel like, I'll be rather like a snail. Actually, I kind of like that image.
I saw this poster on a Lululemon advertisement. "Do now be afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still." That's me. Slow growth. A snail.
I feel bad for my kids. But again, I really need to examine that and face it honestly. I am good mother. How do I know that? I engage them, I laugh with them, support them. I feel very not confident with what I do with them. I would like to have a partner to discuss parenting with. It would help me, it would improve my parenting. I can discuss parenting with people who I think have success is that area. I need to come up with what I am actually unsure about. It seems like I am going through this blind.
I get compliments on my kids. That's a good indicator that I am doing something right. It seems like such an overwhelming task, raising children.
This guy friend of mine, when I talk to him, I feel encouraged, I find that he supports me. When I examine this relationship, I see that in fact, there are a lot of compatibilities. And then I say, so what? I've never said so what to a romantic relationship before, even a potential one. I've side-stepped potential, fleed from it, but never actually said, I don't care.
I'm not taking that good care of myself. Lately I am staying up late, not eating well, feeling bummed, not being very efficient. When the kids aren't here I hardly eat.
It seems that I can't just shake this as easily as I want to. I feel like I have nothing I am excited about. No pressure. Perhaps I really do need a job or routine of some kind? Otherwise, my job ends up being emotional processing. It's just passing the time, waiting for the year to end. I guess I am afraid, I am afraid of making wrong choices, getting a job and feeling overwhelmed, and my kids suffering, but honestly, when I don't have anything to do, I feel so bummed that I am not good to them anyway. Ultimately, happy moms count for a lot. I really do need to figure out how to be happy. And then she slumped on her desk.
Everyone finds their own way through these types of things. My therapist made me see one of my skills in dealing with this, that I am a communicator, I gather information, sort it, take what works for me, leave the rest. That's what I've been doing. I've been talking to people. And in the end, it's very helpful to see how others go through these things. And then make my own way through anyway.
One thing that comes up again and again is that I need to treat myself very well during this time. Be very kind to myself, as this is awful, horrible, devastating.
I can't imagine it ever passing. I am sure it will.
These boots were made for walking
I am not going to think about him and her anymore. It only makes me feel sad. I am not going to think about him walking out. I'm going to concentrate on healing myself, on being happy, stable, content, creating supportive and rich relationships with people who care about me. No more grieving. I am pulling myself up by my bootstraps and moving on. Not moving on romantically, simply moving on emotionally. I am freeing myself of being connected emotionally to his choices. Is the situation sad? Yes, it is deplorable. Is there anything I can do about it? No.
Point?
He told me today that he is involved in a relationship with her. I had asked if there was something he wanted to tell me about her, seeing as he's been living with her as "roommates" for six months now. I complimented his honesty and told him that he is worthy of love and that his choices are reprehensible. I told him that it's wrong, he's still married to me, it's adultery and infidelity. I told him that there is a standard and that people sometimes make wrong choices, but can still choose to make the right ones. I told him that it's painful for me to see them dishonoring our marriage this way. I told him our marriage is worth saving. I told him that if he wanted to move on, he could have at least waited one year and honored our marriage.
I feel like I am floating. I feel very ungrounded. Shocked. I can't remember when I felt like this before, if I ever have. Things feel very surreal, like they aren't actually happening to me.
Mostly I worry for my kids. I feel guilty. I know I am not guilty. I am not responsible for this situation. I worry if they will be ok. How is this going to affect them?
I am committed to the marriage. I told my older daughter that just because her dad is sharing his bed with another woman doesn't make it ok, and I promised her that as long as I was married to her father I would not be sharing my bed with another man. I told her it's wrong and that sometimes people make wrong choices. She looked kind of surprised when I promised her that, like her little mind was processing this new information. It felt good to be able to show her the right path and show her the right standard.
I had the same temptation he did. In the beginning of the YOW I also felt myself beginning to fall for this other guy, I put a stop to our friendship, no matter how innocent it was. I dragged myself firmly but surely onto the path I knew was the right one. And it was not easy, it was painful and challenging to pull myself away from the "falling in love" feelings I was beginning to experience, and instead to remain thoughtful about my interactions with this other guy and consciously create spiritual bonds of friendship (which is the Guidance in these cases).
I can't say the same for my husband. I pleaded with him not to move in with a single-mother when he moved out from our home. What did he think was going to happen? He told me that he never intended for this to happen... this statement just makes me mad. It's careless and thoughtless. But how can I be mad at him for being stupid? Perhaps that is his station. It seems that he is just foolish, lacking in good judgement. Of course, he is choosing the be foolish, that is another matter altogether.
It seems that I'm growing in accepting him for where he is at, and at the same time growing in loving him regardless.
He is a loving and giving father to our two girls. He has poor judgement and poor boundaries - but hopefully the girls won't suffer due to it. Hopefully God will protect them and when they grow up they will have better discernment than their father.
It's so sad. How did the noble personages in our Baha'i history continue when faced with these onslaughts of difficulty and hideousness of human nature?
When you read the Fire Tablet or the Tablet of Ahmad and you think if the immensity of Tests which they speak of, and then you think, but this is the Revelation for the next 1000 years. Things aren't going to get better! We will still be praying to God for assistance, as the "people are wandering in the paths of delusion, bereft of discernment to see God with their own eyes or hear His melody with their own ears" and the robe of sanctity will still be sullied by the people of deceit. I am asking myself, "what's the point"? Why bother?
I feel like I am floating. I feel very ungrounded. Shocked. I can't remember when I felt like this before, if I ever have. Things feel very surreal, like they aren't actually happening to me.
Mostly I worry for my kids. I feel guilty. I know I am not guilty. I am not responsible for this situation. I worry if they will be ok. How is this going to affect them?
I am committed to the marriage. I told my older daughter that just because her dad is sharing his bed with another woman doesn't make it ok, and I promised her that as long as I was married to her father I would not be sharing my bed with another man. I told her it's wrong and that sometimes people make wrong choices. She looked kind of surprised when I promised her that, like her little mind was processing this new information. It felt good to be able to show her the right path and show her the right standard.
I had the same temptation he did. In the beginning of the YOW I also felt myself beginning to fall for this other guy, I put a stop to our friendship, no matter how innocent it was. I dragged myself firmly but surely onto the path I knew was the right one. And it was not easy, it was painful and challenging to pull myself away from the "falling in love" feelings I was beginning to experience, and instead to remain thoughtful about my interactions with this other guy and consciously create spiritual bonds of friendship (which is the Guidance in these cases).
I can't say the same for my husband. I pleaded with him not to move in with a single-mother when he moved out from our home. What did he think was going to happen? He told me that he never intended for this to happen... this statement just makes me mad. It's careless and thoughtless. But how can I be mad at him for being stupid? Perhaps that is his station. It seems that he is just foolish, lacking in good judgement. Of course, he is choosing the be foolish, that is another matter altogether.
It seems that I'm growing in accepting him for where he is at, and at the same time growing in loving him regardless.
He is a loving and giving father to our two girls. He has poor judgement and poor boundaries - but hopefully the girls won't suffer due to it. Hopefully God will protect them and when they grow up they will have better discernment than their father.
It's so sad. How did the noble personages in our Baha'i history continue when faced with these onslaughts of difficulty and hideousness of human nature?
When you read the Fire Tablet or the Tablet of Ahmad and you think if the immensity of Tests which they speak of, and then you think, but this is the Revelation for the next 1000 years. Things aren't going to get better! We will still be praying to God for assistance, as the "people are wandering in the paths of delusion, bereft of discernment to see God with their own eyes or hear His melody with their own ears" and the robe of sanctity will still be sullied by the people of deceit. I am asking myself, "what's the point"? Why bother?
Sanctity
I got confirmation today that my husband is actually sleeping in the same bed as this other woman. It was a high probability, knowing that two opposite gendered adults were living together, one a single parent and the other a man having marriage trouble, that they would be sleeping together. However, I was still holding out hope that perhaps this wouldn't be true, that perhaps he would still be doing the right thing, or trying to, at least struggling to. It is a shock, and very saddening to receive confirmation that this is true. And what a horrible example to set for the children! It saddens me deeply that he is taking these deliberate steps against the marriage and not honoring it's sacredness at all. Do our marriage vows mean nothing to him?
I want to get angry, call her a trollop, be mad at her. When really it is unfaithfulness to the marriage. It is adultery. It is a reprehensible action. Where are the pure, brave hearts to call this for what it is? Where are the upholders of justice? Of purity? Of sanctity? Anger is a secondary response. It is a defensive emotion. My true emotion is pain. Deep pain, abandon, dishonor, disrespect.
I cry. I mourn. My heart aches. My heart breaks. No matter what actions he takes, he cannot hurt the marriage. Marriage is a spiritual creation, it can only be dissolved, never hurt. Our marriage is as beautiful now as it ever was. But he is simply choosing to be unfaithful to it.
My dear friend commented that it might be useful to reflect on what actions would need to take place for me to even consider taking him back at this point. I know that we could work through any problem, as long as we were working together. First of all, he would have to move into an apartment alone, a bachelor suite or one bedroom, we'd have to attend counseling, he'd have to stop seeing that other woman, he'd have to apologize, recognize his mistake. From there, we could attempt to rebuild our marriage. I would be willing to try.
I just can't believe that this is the path he is choosing to walk down. Walking away from me, I can understand, walking away from his children, I don't get at all. He's got them calling her a step-mother now. That looks like a very serious relationship. That scares me. It scares me for their emotional and spiritual well-being. They are still very young and need to be kept close to me.
I feel lost. Forlorn. Forsaken. Alone.
Images run through my mind of them together, their bodies intertwined, limbs wrapped about one another, bodies connected. He is my husband ! How can she sleep with him? How can she be a willing participant in trampling his marriage? There really is no understanding of what marriage is in society - I see that people don't respect it, or honor it. It is simply a physical bond, something convenient, something you do when you want to live with someone, but not something that is necessary.
I feel so sad. I feel such loss.
I want also to be held. I want also to move on, to run away.
May Almighty God grant that this experience be used as a light to guide people to discernment and to the Path of God.
It sickens me.
"The drunkenness of passion hath perverted most of mankind: Where are the dayspring of purity, O Desire of the worlds?"
I want to get angry, call her a trollop, be mad at her. When really it is unfaithfulness to the marriage. It is adultery. It is a reprehensible action. Where are the pure, brave hearts to call this for what it is? Where are the upholders of justice? Of purity? Of sanctity? Anger is a secondary response. It is a defensive emotion. My true emotion is pain. Deep pain, abandon, dishonor, disrespect.
I cry. I mourn. My heart aches. My heart breaks. No matter what actions he takes, he cannot hurt the marriage. Marriage is a spiritual creation, it can only be dissolved, never hurt. Our marriage is as beautiful now as it ever was. But he is simply choosing to be unfaithful to it.
My dear friend commented that it might be useful to reflect on what actions would need to take place for me to even consider taking him back at this point. I know that we could work through any problem, as long as we were working together. First of all, he would have to move into an apartment alone, a bachelor suite or one bedroom, we'd have to attend counseling, he'd have to stop seeing that other woman, he'd have to apologize, recognize his mistake. From there, we could attempt to rebuild our marriage. I would be willing to try.
I just can't believe that this is the path he is choosing to walk down. Walking away from me, I can understand, walking away from his children, I don't get at all. He's got them calling her a step-mother now. That looks like a very serious relationship. That scares me. It scares me for their emotional and spiritual well-being. They are still very young and need to be kept close to me.
I feel lost. Forlorn. Forsaken. Alone.
Images run through my mind of them together, their bodies intertwined, limbs wrapped about one another, bodies connected. He is my husband ! How can she sleep with him? How can she be a willing participant in trampling his marriage? There really is no understanding of what marriage is in society - I see that people don't respect it, or honor it. It is simply a physical bond, something convenient, something you do when you want to live with someone, but not something that is necessary.
I feel so sad. I feel such loss.
I want also to be held. I want also to move on, to run away.
May Almighty God grant that this experience be used as a light to guide people to discernment and to the Path of God.
It sickens me.
"The drunkenness of passion hath perverted most of mankind: Where are the dayspring of purity, O Desire of the worlds?"
Shifting sands
Everything feels like it's changing so rapidly. Yesterday I felt the burden of the shot-gun wound weighing heavily on me. Today I felt tired too, but now after having written and poured out some of my emotions and thoughts here I feel better, lighter. Could it be that I am healing? I think it's presumptive to make that assumption. My emotions are as sand dunes, every changing with the wind.
One thing I wanted to mention about this male friend of mine, and this has been very helpful to me for feeling secure in exploring my emotions in that relationship, is this: I picture my husband with me when I am talking to my friend, or in terms of how I feel toward him, I picture myself still living with my husband, in a committed marriage and I check it out to see if there is any thoughts or feelings which might cause concern to my husband or to the idea of faithfulness. It helps me to keep the friendship pure.
I feel very blessed with his friendship. He is very thoughtful and supportive. It's the first time I've felt this supported by a guy. I don't ask him for much support emotionally, I rely on my gal pals for that. But when we do talk, which is infrequently, and I do share with him some burdens, I feel lighter after talking to him. He has such a giving soul, he's like gold. I cherish him.
It's interesting how I can love him as I do, and still be totally committed to my marriage and my husband. There are certainly issues to resolve in my marriage, but there is nothing that can't be resolved if we don't work together. I feel really good about this emotional victory. In the beginning I had to create a lot of distance in that friendship as my emotions were so strong and I was afraid of what they meant. It took a lot of work to channel them into the appropriate paths.
I had these musings the other day about spiritual growth. The body and the emotions are like a horse. And the mind and soul are the rider. My horse is very spirited and passionate, he's fiery and tosses his head, snorts and stamps his hooves. He has a strong nature and requires skill to ride, he is a challenging ride, but also a rewarding and fun one. The idea of spiritual growth is that we need to control our horses and make them obey our commands to ride along the Right path. People have different horses. Some horses will require more lively engagement, as they want to plod or graze, these people have highly developed acceptance, peacefulness and are perhaps working on generosity, or service. Other horses are passionate and fiery and want to run and cavort, not collect themselves under bridle and saddle. These people have high capacity for service, but can be tested frequently by their steeds, or by their emotions. We don't choose how our bodies feel or how we respond emotionally, we do, however, choose our actions and our thoughts. Actions are easier to choose, thoughts are more subtle. Both however, are the responsibility of the rider. Reflect on where your horse it at, maintain awareness of your emotional and physical state, observe your thoughts and see if they are simply being carried by your horse, or if you are mastering yourself and directing your thoughts in spite of how you are feeling. That's growth.
For example, one way that my mind ran away from reality and got carried away by my horse's nature, was to, at times, have idle fancies about this male friend. My emotions, (love to him) created thoughts (relationship to him). I realized it was happening, and would attempt to stop it, I said prayers, reflected and maintained awareness of the thought patterns and emotions. Finally I realized that the emotions were not going to go away, nor should they, however, it was the thoughts which were being created from them that needed to be changed. As soon as I realized that the emotions weren't bad and accepted that I just really liked this guy and that was ok, I was able to begin to train my mind to stop thinking about him in inappropriate ways and be able to foster bonds of spiritual friendship with him.
It is an ongoing challenge for me, not to run from the pain of this break-up into another relationship, even in my own mind. But I am making progress and it's becoming easier.
One thing I wanted to mention about this male friend of mine, and this has been very helpful to me for feeling secure in exploring my emotions in that relationship, is this: I picture my husband with me when I am talking to my friend, or in terms of how I feel toward him, I picture myself still living with my husband, in a committed marriage and I check it out to see if there is any thoughts or feelings which might cause concern to my husband or to the idea of faithfulness. It helps me to keep the friendship pure.
I feel very blessed with his friendship. He is very thoughtful and supportive. It's the first time I've felt this supported by a guy. I don't ask him for much support emotionally, I rely on my gal pals for that. But when we do talk, which is infrequently, and I do share with him some burdens, I feel lighter after talking to him. He has such a giving soul, he's like gold. I cherish him.
It's interesting how I can love him as I do, and still be totally committed to my marriage and my husband. There are certainly issues to resolve in my marriage, but there is nothing that can't be resolved if we don't work together. I feel really good about this emotional victory. In the beginning I had to create a lot of distance in that friendship as my emotions were so strong and I was afraid of what they meant. It took a lot of work to channel them into the appropriate paths.
I had these musings the other day about spiritual growth. The body and the emotions are like a horse. And the mind and soul are the rider. My horse is very spirited and passionate, he's fiery and tosses his head, snorts and stamps his hooves. He has a strong nature and requires skill to ride, he is a challenging ride, but also a rewarding and fun one. The idea of spiritual growth is that we need to control our horses and make them obey our commands to ride along the Right path. People have different horses. Some horses will require more lively engagement, as they want to plod or graze, these people have highly developed acceptance, peacefulness and are perhaps working on generosity, or service. Other horses are passionate and fiery and want to run and cavort, not collect themselves under bridle and saddle. These people have high capacity for service, but can be tested frequently by their steeds, or by their emotions. We don't choose how our bodies feel or how we respond emotionally, we do, however, choose our actions and our thoughts. Actions are easier to choose, thoughts are more subtle. Both however, are the responsibility of the rider. Reflect on where your horse it at, maintain awareness of your emotional and physical state, observe your thoughts and see if they are simply being carried by your horse, or if you are mastering yourself and directing your thoughts in spite of how you are feeling. That's growth.
For example, one way that my mind ran away from reality and got carried away by my horse's nature, was to, at times, have idle fancies about this male friend. My emotions, (love to him) created thoughts (relationship to him). I realized it was happening, and would attempt to stop it, I said prayers, reflected and maintained awareness of the thought patterns and emotions. Finally I realized that the emotions were not going to go away, nor should they, however, it was the thoughts which were being created from them that needed to be changed. As soon as I realized that the emotions weren't bad and accepted that I just really liked this guy and that was ok, I was able to begin to train my mind to stop thinking about him in inappropriate ways and be able to foster bonds of spiritual friendship with him.
It is an ongoing challenge for me, not to run from the pain of this break-up into another relationship, even in my own mind. But I am making progress and it's becoming easier.
Finer than a hair
How could he do this? I have conversations with him in my head, in my heart. "I love you. I love our family. I love our marriage. How can you walk away from this?"
And, if I can understand or make my peace with him walking away from me, the thing I totally don't get is how he can walk away from the children?? He sees them a few days per week, and I guess in his mind that absolves him of responsibility to them. It's so monocular. The fact is that by leaving me, he has damaged the level of love and nurturing that I can provide to our children. It's a great injury to me as a mother and, by being so, an act of disloyalty to our children. How can he do that and consider himself a good father? I don't know how I can ever forgive him for that.
When you look to the Writings there is no reason for a divorce. If both parties are being true to the Laws then there would be no divorces. Ninety-five percent of people, Baha'i and non-Baha'i, tell me that it's acceptable to divorce. They try to tell me that I am better off without him. They tell me that it was a bad union. They draw my attention to the fact that love had long been gone from our marriage. That it was not a "mutual attachment of mind and heart". My answer - so what?! First of all, the standard is what is says in the Writings. It says that the Baha'i partner must put in a super-human effort to save a marriage. Therefore, if two people are each loyal and insightful as to their own actions and responsibilities to God, no marriage would ever dissolve. However, if one person wants it badly, and the other is willing to walk away - there is nothing that can be done.
I guess my point here is that many divorces which take place are misguided and did not actually have to happen. Short of one partner running away, there is no manifestation of discord which cannot be worked through as long as both parties stay committed and steadfast to the process. It annoys me that people can be so lackadaisical with regards to marriages. Apathy is one of the five things which can hurt us most, Baha'u'llah tells us. It annoys me too that many Baha'is actually question the Writings - there is a general undercurrent of disobedience. I am shocked at how many active Baha'is do not say their obligatory prayers, for example. It's not a choice ! As for me, I am strong in my obedience, it appears that I can grow in my tolerance and forgiveness.
A dear friend mentioned to me that the whole community needs to mature. Twenty years ago there was not the support and understanding in a Baha'i community about a YOW or a divorce. She mentioned I am very fortunate to be in a community where the LSA is mature enough to be handling this so smoothly.
When we got married the LSA approved the marriage even though my mother had revoked consent prior to the wedding. According to Baha'i Law the parent can with hold consent for any reason, including bigotry or prejudice against the Faith, and they can change their mind right up until the wedding, assuming that the parent is not extremely mentally-ill, or has not had their parental rights revoked due to abuse. My mother changed her mind about consent upon hearing we were to have a Baha'i wedding. She played the consent card as a trump to try to get me to have a Christian wedding ceremony too. After some meetings with LSA members however, they chose to honor the original consent that my mother gave. I had some misgivings about this following the wedding and have had more most recently, however, I have been informed that Baha'u'llah Himself said he would follow what an Assembly decided, even if it was wrong. I know, that my wedding was, therefore, following Baha'i Law to the best of my ability. It had God's blessing. I was doing my best. However, it appears that the LSA was wrong, at the time. According to the Writings, I ought not to have had my marriage approved.
Choices. Material or Spiritual. My husband has this beautiful house. I'm in a basement suite, two kids, on income support and struggling to simply get through the YOW, and putting in effort into emotional and spiritual growth, and it takes a lot of effort to process these emotions. It is hard work. Sometimes, I wonder if I am making the right choice. To me, it's a total moot point, I know in my heart the Truth of the spiritual world, there isn't any way someone could convince me through logic to not follow that path. However, sometimes it is difficult to see the logic of the choice I've made. it seems very illogical, actually. All I know is that from experience, following my own desires or building wealth or status in the material world does not lead to true happiness. The only way, in my experience, to be happy, is to follow the Path of God.
One of my favorite images of this path is from the conversations between the Beloved Bab and Mulla Husayn: "[The path of God is] finer than a hair and keener than a sword." It is lonely. It is not easy. There are many tears on that path.
I am comforted to know that all true lovers of the Beloved have shed tears on their paths.
I have also been thinking about marriage in general. You can be great friends with someone and not marry them. It's so liberating. The only reason to marry someone, that I can see, is to live with him. Now, why would I necessarily want to do that? I am feeling stronger, more supported, independent, secure, content with where I am. In the past I may have run into another relationship as a means of escaping my loneliness. But now, I see that i am stronger than I thought. I can be a single-mother, earn an income, complete an MA, serve the Faith and be supported by my friends. Life is ok. It's not as scary as I thought. Knowing everything I know now, I feel much more confident in not rushing into another relationship out of desperation.
This guy that I had feelings for. It's very interesting what is developing there. We are actually friends. I have never been friends with a guy I've loved and not jumped into a romance with him. In fact, I think I have never actually loved a guy before. I've never risked loving a guy before. I kept friendship with men at an arm's length away, and instead formed unions with men with whom I couldn't really be friends with. Somehow, I thought they were safe and that I would not get hurt. But the opposite was true. I got hurt over and over again.
When my husband and I were still getting to know each other, we were already involved physically (all before I was a Baha'i), but were living far away from each other, I had a dream about him one night. In the dream he is walking with another girl and she is flirting and wooing him, and he is falling for it. I am watching the pursuit occur, walking a little ways behind them, and I feel loss and sadness, and am powerless to stop it.
When I awoke from this dream, almost exactly six years ago to the day, I was shaken and distressed. We had been drifting apart and I felt the loss of losing him in the dream so acutely. I was in tears and distraught. I resolved that morning to make this relationship work, I would not lose him to another.
It appears that this dream was prophetic - I am in this exact situation now. He's shacked up with this other woman, she is wooing him and beguiling him - he is falling for it, I stand by, grieving but unable to make events be any different.
It is interesting how in an effort to avoid the reality of the dream I created it. Isn't that the way with prophecy? King Oedipus.
As long as I am on the subject of dreams. I have had many dreams about this other fellow. And in all of them, the love is very strong.
And, if I can understand or make my peace with him walking away from me, the thing I totally don't get is how he can walk away from the children?? He sees them a few days per week, and I guess in his mind that absolves him of responsibility to them. It's so monocular. The fact is that by leaving me, he has damaged the level of love and nurturing that I can provide to our children. It's a great injury to me as a mother and, by being so, an act of disloyalty to our children. How can he do that and consider himself a good father? I don't know how I can ever forgive him for that.
When you look to the Writings there is no reason for a divorce. If both parties are being true to the Laws then there would be no divorces. Ninety-five percent of people, Baha'i and non-Baha'i, tell me that it's acceptable to divorce. They try to tell me that I am better off without him. They tell me that it was a bad union. They draw my attention to the fact that love had long been gone from our marriage. That it was not a "mutual attachment of mind and heart". My answer - so what?! First of all, the standard is what is says in the Writings. It says that the Baha'i partner must put in a super-human effort to save a marriage. Therefore, if two people are each loyal and insightful as to their own actions and responsibilities to God, no marriage would ever dissolve. However, if one person wants it badly, and the other is willing to walk away - there is nothing that can be done.
I guess my point here is that many divorces which take place are misguided and did not actually have to happen. Short of one partner running away, there is no manifestation of discord which cannot be worked through as long as both parties stay committed and steadfast to the process. It annoys me that people can be so lackadaisical with regards to marriages. Apathy is one of the five things which can hurt us most, Baha'u'llah tells us. It annoys me too that many Baha'is actually question the Writings - there is a general undercurrent of disobedience. I am shocked at how many active Baha'is do not say their obligatory prayers, for example. It's not a choice ! As for me, I am strong in my obedience, it appears that I can grow in my tolerance and forgiveness.
A dear friend mentioned to me that the whole community needs to mature. Twenty years ago there was not the support and understanding in a Baha'i community about a YOW or a divorce. She mentioned I am very fortunate to be in a community where the LSA is mature enough to be handling this so smoothly.
When we got married the LSA approved the marriage even though my mother had revoked consent prior to the wedding. According to Baha'i Law the parent can with hold consent for any reason, including bigotry or prejudice against the Faith, and they can change their mind right up until the wedding, assuming that the parent is not extremely mentally-ill, or has not had their parental rights revoked due to abuse. My mother changed her mind about consent upon hearing we were to have a Baha'i wedding. She played the consent card as a trump to try to get me to have a Christian wedding ceremony too. After some meetings with LSA members however, they chose to honor the original consent that my mother gave. I had some misgivings about this following the wedding and have had more most recently, however, I have been informed that Baha'u'llah Himself said he would follow what an Assembly decided, even if it was wrong. I know, that my wedding was, therefore, following Baha'i Law to the best of my ability. It had God's blessing. I was doing my best. However, it appears that the LSA was wrong, at the time. According to the Writings, I ought not to have had my marriage approved.
Choices. Material or Spiritual. My husband has this beautiful house. I'm in a basement suite, two kids, on income support and struggling to simply get through the YOW, and putting in effort into emotional and spiritual growth, and it takes a lot of effort to process these emotions. It is hard work. Sometimes, I wonder if I am making the right choice. To me, it's a total moot point, I know in my heart the Truth of the spiritual world, there isn't any way someone could convince me through logic to not follow that path. However, sometimes it is difficult to see the logic of the choice I've made. it seems very illogical, actually. All I know is that from experience, following my own desires or building wealth or status in the material world does not lead to true happiness. The only way, in my experience, to be happy, is to follow the Path of God.
One of my favorite images of this path is from the conversations between the Beloved Bab and Mulla Husayn: "[The path of God is] finer than a hair and keener than a sword." It is lonely. It is not easy. There are many tears on that path.
I am comforted to know that all true lovers of the Beloved have shed tears on their paths.
I have also been thinking about marriage in general. You can be great friends with someone and not marry them. It's so liberating. The only reason to marry someone, that I can see, is to live with him. Now, why would I necessarily want to do that? I am feeling stronger, more supported, independent, secure, content with where I am. In the past I may have run into another relationship as a means of escaping my loneliness. But now, I see that i am stronger than I thought. I can be a single-mother, earn an income, complete an MA, serve the Faith and be supported by my friends. Life is ok. It's not as scary as I thought. Knowing everything I know now, I feel much more confident in not rushing into another relationship out of desperation.
This guy that I had feelings for. It's very interesting what is developing there. We are actually friends. I have never been friends with a guy I've loved and not jumped into a romance with him. In fact, I think I have never actually loved a guy before. I've never risked loving a guy before. I kept friendship with men at an arm's length away, and instead formed unions with men with whom I couldn't really be friends with. Somehow, I thought they were safe and that I would not get hurt. But the opposite was true. I got hurt over and over again.
When my husband and I were still getting to know each other, we were already involved physically (all before I was a Baha'i), but were living far away from each other, I had a dream about him one night. In the dream he is walking with another girl and she is flirting and wooing him, and he is falling for it. I am watching the pursuit occur, walking a little ways behind them, and I feel loss and sadness, and am powerless to stop it.
When I awoke from this dream, almost exactly six years ago to the day, I was shaken and distressed. We had been drifting apart and I felt the loss of losing him in the dream so acutely. I was in tears and distraught. I resolved that morning to make this relationship work, I would not lose him to another.
It appears that this dream was prophetic - I am in this exact situation now. He's shacked up with this other woman, she is wooing him and beguiling him - he is falling for it, I stand by, grieving but unable to make events be any different.
It is interesting how in an effort to avoid the reality of the dream I created it. Isn't that the way with prophecy? King Oedipus.
As long as I am on the subject of dreams. I have had many dreams about this other fellow. And in all of them, the love is very strong.
grief
grief: Deep mental anguish.
anguish: Agonizing physical or mental or emotional pain; torment.
agonizing: Extraordinarily painful or distressing.
torment:Great physical pain or mental anguish.
Extraordinarily painful, deep, distressing emotional pain. That is where I am at.
I am not depressed (in low spirits). I am actually in high spirits at times. But I am grieving. Deeply. Acutely feeling the loss of this marriage.
Maybe I should try to put all the grief on hold until after the YOW? Technically we are still married. Technically, the marriage is not over.
The grief is huge now. It feels larger than me. In the beginning there was stress, planning, action. Now things are more settled, there is just the emotions associated with the breakdown of the marriage. This sorrow accompanies me everywhere. No where can I go where the grief is not with me. I don't mind it so much. It's comforting in a sense, a deep emotion I can sink into. It becomes problematic when I need to take care of the kids. Grieving is not compatible with taking care of them. I do a good job, but it's not easy.
Sorrow. Sadness. I am in mourning. Recently, I have had more space to process these emotions. It's been good. I feel more peaceful acknowledging that they're there. I am sad. This is a loss. These emotions aren't going anywhere. But I also can't let them stop my life. The Teaching needs are great - I love Teaching. It gives me strength, happiness, healing. I have this hole that is my companion. But so what. It's like a handicap. Just something to integrate into my life. Sorrow. Sadness. Grief. My hole.
My chest feels hollow. It hurts. Like my heart has been shattered. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, beaten, defeated, left outside in a rainy back alley, dropped there by some thugs. I lay there in the rain, bruised, battered, bloody, I lay there and I have no strength to get up.
There's no point. There is no hope. There is no one to save me from this pain. There is just acceptance of the pain and moving on with my duties and responsibilities.
I had a dream that my step-sister, who is really sweet, was beaten up by another girl. When I found out what happened in the dream, I spoke up at a formal event to tables of women, about injustice and cruelty - we needed to be thoughtful about our own lives and where we see cruelty or injustice and actively work against it, in order to stop this type of thing.
I find myself thinking, what's the point?
Someone lives their life and labors in the path of God, someone else just follows the gods of their own idle fancy, one grows spiritually, serves, loves, develops their spiritual capacities, the other, pursues, wealth, status, material possessions. One lives for the next world. The other lives for this world. From appearances it would seem that the second would have a better life than the first. To those with spiritual sight, however, we see the reverse is true.
My estranged spouse has moved into another house. I dropped off the kids yesterday and I was shocked by the grandeur of the house. It's a gorgeous, large, handsome beautiful house. It hurt. He walks away from his responsibilities, moves in with another woman, abandons me, abandons the marriage and he has this apparently easy, blessed life now? How is that fair?
I find comfort in the words of Baha'u'llah in His letters to the Kings.
It matters not that he has a gorgeous house, that I wonder how on earth did he afford? This world is worth nothing, how much would I care for a dead ant's pupil?? The entire matter is laughable.
And again, I find solace in the Blessed Beauty's words:
It matters not what I see happening in the world around me, the apparent gain that my dear husband is experiencing, while I struggle with debt, kids, grief. I am assured by the Beloved of the Worlds that "nothing save that which profitteth them can ever befall Thy loved ones," I will succeed no matter what appearances may be, as long as I remain steadfast in His Cause.
God, grant that I do remain steadfast.
- `Abdu'l-Bahá
I used to think that someone could actually make my pain go away. I ran into one relationship after another in attempts to run away from my pain. I experienced such pain growing up, I felt grief, loss and abandonment continually - it was simply the normal state of things. I found solace while riding horses, sitting in nature or walking my dog. As I grew older I thought the way to be happy was to drink, do drugs and have sex - I bought into the messages of society. I have a passionate, zealous nature, I do things deeply. So I did these risky and dangerous activities to the extremes. I only increased my desperation and and panic. I had no way of processing my emotions. I only ran from them. I ran into the arms of almost any man I could, in the hopes that by his holding me it would heal the heart-ache I felt inside. It only complicated things for me emotionally. I wasn't making healthy choices. I was trying to though, I tired to reason my way out of it, tried to reason which choices I should be making, tried to talk to my mother about it (my abusive, emotionally unstable, mentally ill mother). Ultimately, I married my husband partially to run away. There were problems in the relationship, we were not coming to unity through our consultations at all, dust was being kicked up around the problems and it would then settle into the slumbering forms of sleeping dogs. But on the morning of what was to be our wedding day, we started to consult again and I said, "Forget it, let's just get married." It was draining to talk about the issues, but it was too scary to consider the possibility of being alone. So I married him. Marriage cannot be a sleeping dog, the dogs got woken, and were never really tamed - they only became more aggravated.
At the same time, I was trying. I was committed to the union. I labored assiduously. I prayed. We consulted. I encouraged us to see counsellors. I sought personal counseling as well. I grew. I became better at dealing with my pain. My emotions. My depression. My anxiety. My panic. My abusive past. I invested spiritual, emotional, mental energy and I conquered my fearful reactions. I grew stronger in responding rationally to emotional situations and thinking my choices even under pressure of strong emotion. The partnership, however, never grew. Throughout the time we were living together, my husband blamed me for my emotional needs, even when they were packaged very humbly and thoughtfully. He refused to take any responsibility for the well-being of our marriage and he continually abandoned me emotionally. In the end, he abandoned me physically too.
This is the first time that I am alone with my emotions. I have always had a relationship to distract myself from the emotional turmoil and pain I felt. This is the first time I am actually alone. I have come to realize that no one can make my pain go away. It's my pain. Friends can help, they can be loving, sweet, caring, compassionate - this aids with the healing tremendously. But they can't process it for me. This is very liberating in a sense. It allows me the freedom to be who I am and trust my friendships to support me and love me through who I am. I have never had that reality. My experiences of abandonment growing up colored all my relationships, friendships and romantic. I was afraid of being hurt and rejected by my friends so I didn't trust them with helping me through any type of serious emotional upset. I was afraid of being "too much". It's only recently that I am having the experience that my friends love me and they *want* to help me through this. This feels so good, to know that I am loved, not blamed even with emotional needs. It feels very healthy.
As I was saying, this is the first time I am strong enough to actually process the emotional pain without hiding from it in a relationship. And it's just me and my pain. Me and my pain, and God, my Well-Beloved, my Desire.
The feelings I was having for that other man have transformed. I am able to be more distant from that friendship, engage with it more thoughtfully. I realize there is some attraction there or some chemistry or compatibility, but I don't feel as overwhelmed by it as I did before. As I grow better at caring for my own needs, I feel less drawn to drown myself in a possible romance. It's nice to just be friends with a man and not be obsessed about the possibility of something more. As that something more used to be my path for healing. But I am stronger now and can make healthier choices for healing.
I love my marriage. My husband is trying to destroy it and is totally dishonoring it, but nevertheless, we have a marriage. And marriage is a sacred creation, it is from God. It is a divine creation and I love it. My marriage is worth saving.
anguish: Agonizing physical or mental or emotional pain; torment.
agonizing: Extraordinarily painful or distressing.
torment:Great physical pain or mental anguish.
Extraordinarily painful, deep, distressing emotional pain. That is where I am at.
I am not depressed (in low spirits). I am actually in high spirits at times. But I am grieving. Deeply. Acutely feeling the loss of this marriage.
Maybe I should try to put all the grief on hold until after the YOW? Technically we are still married. Technically, the marriage is not over.
The grief is huge now. It feels larger than me. In the beginning there was stress, planning, action. Now things are more settled, there is just the emotions associated with the breakdown of the marriage. This sorrow accompanies me everywhere. No where can I go where the grief is not with me. I don't mind it so much. It's comforting in a sense, a deep emotion I can sink into. It becomes problematic when I need to take care of the kids. Grieving is not compatible with taking care of them. I do a good job, but it's not easy.
Sorrow. Sadness. I am in mourning. Recently, I have had more space to process these emotions. It's been good. I feel more peaceful acknowledging that they're there. I am sad. This is a loss. These emotions aren't going anywhere. But I also can't let them stop my life. The Teaching needs are great - I love Teaching. It gives me strength, happiness, healing. I have this hole that is my companion. But so what. It's like a handicap. Just something to integrate into my life. Sorrow. Sadness. Grief. My hole.
My chest feels hollow. It hurts. Like my heart has been shattered. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, beaten, defeated, left outside in a rainy back alley, dropped there by some thugs. I lay there in the rain, bruised, battered, bloody, I lay there and I have no strength to get up.
There's no point. There is no hope. There is no one to save me from this pain. There is just acceptance of the pain and moving on with my duties and responsibilities.
I had a dream that my step-sister, who is really sweet, was beaten up by another girl. When I found out what happened in the dream, I spoke up at a formal event to tables of women, about injustice and cruelty - we needed to be thoughtful about our own lives and where we see cruelty or injustice and actively work against it, in order to stop this type of thing.
I find myself thinking, what's the point?
Someone lives their life and labors in the path of God, someone else just follows the gods of their own idle fancy, one grows spiritually, serves, loves, develops their spiritual capacities, the other, pursues, wealth, status, material possessions. One lives for the next world. The other lives for this world. From appearances it would seem that the second would have a better life than the first. To those with spiritual sight, however, we see the reverse is true.
My estranged spouse has moved into another house. I dropped off the kids yesterday and I was shocked by the grandeur of the house. It's a gorgeous, large, handsome beautiful house. It hurt. He walks away from his responsibilities, moves in with another woman, abandons me, abandons the marriage and he has this apparently easy, blessed life now? How is that fair?
I find comfort in the words of Baha'u'llah in His letters to the Kings.
"Rejoicest thou in that thou rulest a span of earth, when the whole world, in the estimation of the people of Bahá, is worth as much as the black in the eye of a dead ant? Abandon it unto such as have set their affections upon it, and turn thou unto Him Who is the Desire of the world."
It matters not that he has a gorgeous house, that I wonder how on earth did he afford? This world is worth nothing, how much would I care for a dead ant's pupil?? The entire matter is laughable.
And again, I find solace in the Blessed Beauty's words:
" "Even or odd, thou shalt win the wager." The friends of God shall win and profit under all conditions, and shall attain true wealth. In fire they remain cold, and from water they emerge dry. Their affairs are at variance with the affairs of men. Gain is their lot, whatever the deal. To this testifieth every wise one with a discerning eye, and every fair-minded one with a hearing ear."
It matters not what I see happening in the world around me, the apparent gain that my dear husband is experiencing, while I struggle with debt, kids, grief. I am assured by the Beloved of the Worlds that "nothing save that which profitteth them can ever befall Thy loved ones," I will succeed no matter what appearances may be, as long as I remain steadfast in His Cause.
God, grant that I do remain steadfast.
O my Lord, my Beloved, my Desire! Befriend me in my loneliness and accompany me in my exile. Remove my sorrow. Cause me to be devoted to Thy beauty. Withdraw me from all else save Thee. Attract me through Thy fragrances of holiness. Cause me to be associated in Thy Kingdom with those who are severed from all else save Thee, who long to serve Thy sacred threshold and who stand to work in Thy Cause. Enable me to be one of Thy maidservants who have attained to Thy good pleasure. Verily, Thou art the Gracious, the Generous.
- `Abdu'l-Bahá
I used to think that someone could actually make my pain go away. I ran into one relationship after another in attempts to run away from my pain. I experienced such pain growing up, I felt grief, loss and abandonment continually - it was simply the normal state of things. I found solace while riding horses, sitting in nature or walking my dog. As I grew older I thought the way to be happy was to drink, do drugs and have sex - I bought into the messages of society. I have a passionate, zealous nature, I do things deeply. So I did these risky and dangerous activities to the extremes. I only increased my desperation and and panic. I had no way of processing my emotions. I only ran from them. I ran into the arms of almost any man I could, in the hopes that by his holding me it would heal the heart-ache I felt inside. It only complicated things for me emotionally. I wasn't making healthy choices. I was trying to though, I tired to reason my way out of it, tried to reason which choices I should be making, tried to talk to my mother about it (my abusive, emotionally unstable, mentally ill mother). Ultimately, I married my husband partially to run away. There were problems in the relationship, we were not coming to unity through our consultations at all, dust was being kicked up around the problems and it would then settle into the slumbering forms of sleeping dogs. But on the morning of what was to be our wedding day, we started to consult again and I said, "Forget it, let's just get married." It was draining to talk about the issues, but it was too scary to consider the possibility of being alone. So I married him. Marriage cannot be a sleeping dog, the dogs got woken, and were never really tamed - they only became more aggravated.
At the same time, I was trying. I was committed to the union. I labored assiduously. I prayed. We consulted. I encouraged us to see counsellors. I sought personal counseling as well. I grew. I became better at dealing with my pain. My emotions. My depression. My anxiety. My panic. My abusive past. I invested spiritual, emotional, mental energy and I conquered my fearful reactions. I grew stronger in responding rationally to emotional situations and thinking my choices even under pressure of strong emotion. The partnership, however, never grew. Throughout the time we were living together, my husband blamed me for my emotional needs, even when they were packaged very humbly and thoughtfully. He refused to take any responsibility for the well-being of our marriage and he continually abandoned me emotionally. In the end, he abandoned me physically too.
This is the first time that I am alone with my emotions. I have always had a relationship to distract myself from the emotional turmoil and pain I felt. This is the first time I am actually alone. I have come to realize that no one can make my pain go away. It's my pain. Friends can help, they can be loving, sweet, caring, compassionate - this aids with the healing tremendously. But they can't process it for me. This is very liberating in a sense. It allows me the freedom to be who I am and trust my friendships to support me and love me through who I am. I have never had that reality. My experiences of abandonment growing up colored all my relationships, friendships and romantic. I was afraid of being hurt and rejected by my friends so I didn't trust them with helping me through any type of serious emotional upset. I was afraid of being "too much". It's only recently that I am having the experience that my friends love me and they *want* to help me through this. This feels so good, to know that I am loved, not blamed even with emotional needs. It feels very healthy.
As I was saying, this is the first time I am strong enough to actually process the emotional pain without hiding from it in a relationship. And it's just me and my pain. Me and my pain, and God, my Well-Beloved, my Desire.
The feelings I was having for that other man have transformed. I am able to be more distant from that friendship, engage with it more thoughtfully. I realize there is some attraction there or some chemistry or compatibility, but I don't feel as overwhelmed by it as I did before. As I grow better at caring for my own needs, I feel less drawn to drown myself in a possible romance. It's nice to just be friends with a man and not be obsessed about the possibility of something more. As that something more used to be my path for healing. But I am stronger now and can make healthier choices for healing.
I love my marriage. My husband is trying to destroy it and is totally dishonoring it, but nevertheless, we have a marriage. And marriage is a sacred creation, it is from God. It is a divine creation and I love it. My marriage is worth saving.
half-way
How oh how and I to get through the next half?
My estranged other half made a definite move against the marriage again.
This YOW is hard. And at the same time, it feels like a security blanket in some ways. I feel like I am in a down time again. I have settled into what this is. I am alone. Probably I will be divorced by the end of this year.
It just feels flat. Nothing to do but wait. Nothing I can do. He's not into working on this marriage.
Waiting is hard work.
It's a strange time period. There seems to be just nothingness inside me. Flatness. Emptiness. Is this what waiting feels like?
My estranged other half made a definite move against the marriage again.
This YOW is hard. And at the same time, it feels like a security blanket in some ways. I feel like I am in a down time again. I have settled into what this is. I am alone. Probably I will be divorced by the end of this year.
It just feels flat. Nothing to do but wait. Nothing I can do. He's not into working on this marriage.
Waiting is hard work.
It's a strange time period. There seems to be just nothingness inside me. Flatness. Emptiness. Is this what waiting feels like?
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