Light

I went to a jazz concert tonight, Diana Krall. It was brilliant. So sweet, melodic and romantic. I found myself missing a consort throughout. It allowed time for musing. I had a mini-break through in my thinking, I think. See, I have the habit of dreading the fact that I am in a YOW and can't get involved in another relationship. But then I posed myself the question - if it were over right now, what would I be doing differently in my life? The answer surprised me, nothing, except I'd be being happier, lighter. So why not embrace my happiness now? I will. I will. I will. Will I? I will.
There's so much happiness to be found in life. For example, I like talking to my friend. I really like him. He makes me feel very happy, light-hearted, joyful. It's fun and sweet. I like to tease him about him not having time to pursue a relationship, he's so busy. I like people. I like talking to them, getting to know them, teasing them, playing with them, joking around with them. I'm a pretty good judge of character and pretty social. So it's interactions like these that make me feel more joyful and lighter. I need more of that in my life. Enough melancholy, enough brooding.
I feel really happy. I feel like I am full of happiness in my chest, I feel great ! This is a fantastic feeling. How did it get here? I went out to a concert, with people I love, had a good time, made up my mind to be happier and lighter, spoke with a friend who makes me feel happier. It's important to know which circumstances created the feeling, so that I can choose to re-created it.
Generally, I find that I am getting happier and happier. Of course, there is still pain. There is still pain of him choosing to leave. But oh well. I realized tonight that that pain will always be there. On all my relationships, the memories of them are bittersweet. I love all those exes, but it's mingled with pain. I guess now, I want to save myself the bitterness and just keep the sweetness in my relationships, romantic and non-romantic.
One of the aspects of my mini-revelations this evening was that I would actually not be doing anything differently with my guy friend either. I'm just enjoying the friendship for where it's at, and anyway, I get no clues from him that he is interested in any way at all. The nice thing is that by being so cautious and really processing my own emotions and keeping them at a thoughtful distance from the relationship I am giving it a great chance for being one of these relationships where there is only sweetness and no bitterness, no matter what happens.
Relationships with people are important, something tells me they are the most important. Of course we have quotes to back that up,

"Consort with all men, O people of Bahá, in a spirit of friendliness and fellowship. If ye be aware of a certain truth, if ye possess a jewel, of which others are deprived, share it with them in a language of utmost kindliness and good-will. If it be accepted, if it fulfill its purpose, your object is attained. If any one should refuse it, leave him unto himself, and beseech God to guide him. Beware lest ye deal unkindly with him. A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding. . . "

Relationships need to be protected. Relationships are hearts being bound together, and we must be careful with others' hearts, and our own.
This has been one of my big learnings, is that all men are not created equal, some will hurt you. And I have learned to have better boundaries and protect myself from being hurt.