The snail.

It seems it ain't so easy to just decide not to think about the separation anymore, or feel bad about it anymore.
I examine my emotions and realize that it's the living alone part which I feel allergic to. I had so much aloneness when I was growing up. But I am seeing this new therapist, this loving, older, South American lady. She's made me see that I have a lot of resilience in me and that I've survived a lot of difficult times by reaching into myself and finding the answers within me. Also, she's pointed out that I've been examining reality and then deciding on my actions, I haven't been buying into the reality of when I was a depressed kid. So I am looking at this new situation with me being a single-mom with the two kids. I am not a kid anymore. I am not helpless. True, I have a devastating life experience that has come my way, and the pain is still fresh and strong. I can deal with the pain later, that is one thing I have realized about my emotions, they will still be there if I let them sit for a while, they will be just as strong, only I will have some more perspective and be better able to respond to them. So, I will just let all that pain be there for now, it can co-exist, I am aware of it, but I don't need to wade into it, I can just let it be.
I won't think about him and her. I won't think about my kids there. I won't think about my in-laws and sister-in-laws, or the rest of his family, or how our life could have been, or the betrayal, deceit and unfaithfulness.
Ahh, but instead, what will I think about? Do I have the strength to pull myself up out of the muck? I must have it within me, there's nothing I don't believe is possible.
It's lonely living alone and taking care of the kids. Although, my kids bring me a lot of joy and they are wonderful girls, they also require a lot of patience, thoughtfulness, care, effort, energy. They are still very young. I feel unfocused, like when I have free time I sort of don't know what to do with it. Like I could just read and dream and write and feel and express a large part of my foreseeable future away.
And then I have plans. I need to do my taxes, I need to start to work, I need to clean, be efficient, be organized. But I don't want to. I just want to wallow, to heal. I don't know what to do.
Everything seems like it is uphill.
A dear friend told me of the four rooms. The first room is contentment, everything is fine. The second is change. The third is denial, you resist the change. The fourth is chaos. It is in this forth room that you grow, it's the room that has the largest potential. You can only see the growth in retrospect, and while you are in it, there's no perspective. This is where I am. I just want to get through the rest of the year.
Diana Krall plays her sweet jazz in the background. I feel like everything is utterly pointless.
So, I started to say that it's lonely to live alone. There are parts of being alone that I like, such as the evenings, once the kids are asleep and being able to blog and listen to jazz, read, watch a movie, drink a cup of tea, email etc. These evenings are nice. There are parts that are difficult, supper-time, after supper, late afternoon, early morning. Times where it's normal to have someone else around. Family times.
I know I am still married, but in the beginning of the year, all I wanted was to be free to get into another relationship. Now, I feel like even once I can, I may not even want to. I just feel like even if I were to try to date or meet someone, like my heart wouldn't be in it.
This dear friend of mine, an older lady, who has had a large part of tests and challenges in her life, including divorce, told me that from her experience there is nothing more difficult than divorce. So I have that to look forward to, I just need to get through this year.
I feel empty inside. Drinking, sex, these things would go well with my mood right now. Totally unhealthy choices. I feel like my spirit has been broken. I don't know which way is up. I don't know which way is forward.
I have felt this horrible emptiness before. When I was at university, towards the end of the year, when I didn't really know what my plans for the summer or the following year were. So I smoked, took photographs, sort of did nothing.
Maybe I need to impose a routine on myself? Maybe I need to get a job?
Ok, so I started to talk about examining reality and looking at my situation now as a single mom. What can help me? I have already decided to go back to school, I am applying for an MSc in Business for the fall. Hopefully, I'll get in.
I really miss having family life. I like people around. I feel good with people around.
Marriage is just a contract. I could see myself trying to find a suitable partner after this year, and really approaching it pragmatically. This may not be a bad thing. I am such a passionate, emotional person that that aspect will be a part of any of my relationships. I should maybe just leave the match-making to my head, not my heart. It's just a matter of marketing and statistics and probability.
It all boils down to the pain I am in. And it's there, and it's very real, and there is no where to run from it.
Not that I'd want to. I'd rather embrace it and grow through it.
I remember a year ago, my baby was born, I had PPD - I saw my homeopath and it began to improve. (Now, I think homeopathy is just a bunch of vain-imaginings, but then I believed it). Anyway, I bring this up, because for about one month I wrote and wrote and wrote. I had this new journal and I wrote hundreds of pages in one month. I grieved my marriage, I realized my husband would not be who I thought he could be. This grief lasted for a few months, and then it suddenly lifted. It lifted in June. I remember being so relieved. I remember praying and realizing that I couldn't serve the Faith the way I wanted to, if I was constantly putting all my spiritual energy into my ailing marriage. And a short while later I got a strong helping of detachment and the sorrow of my husband being emotionally unavailable stopped bothering me. I find that this time sort of parallels that time. I am writing lots, it seems that this grief is pouring out of me, I am expressing and feeling and like a mountaineer, I am picking my way up this path.
The difference I guess between now and last year is that I can see the end now. This is all there is. I used to make me excited, that the end of this year would come. Now, I think it will be rather unceremonious. It will just pass and I won't be like a horse out of a starting gate, which is what I used to feel like, I'll be rather like a snail. Actually, I kind of like that image.
I saw this poster on a Lululemon advertisement. "Do now be afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still." That's me. Slow growth. A snail.
I feel bad for my kids. But again, I really need to examine that and face it honestly. I am good mother. How do I know that? I engage them, I laugh with them, support them. I feel very not confident with what I do with them. I would like to have a partner to discuss parenting with. It would help me, it would improve my parenting. I can discuss parenting with people who I think have success is that area. I need to come up with what I am actually unsure about. It seems like I am going through this blind.
I get compliments on my kids. That's a good indicator that I am doing something right. It seems like such an overwhelming task, raising children.
This guy friend of mine, when I talk to him, I feel encouraged, I find that he supports me. When I examine this relationship, I see that in fact, there are a lot of compatibilities. And then I say, so what? I've never said so what to a romantic relationship before, even a potential one. I've side-stepped potential, fleed from it, but never actually said, I don't care.
I'm not taking that good care of myself. Lately I am staying up late, not eating well, feeling bummed, not being very efficient. When the kids aren't here I hardly eat.
It seems that I can't just shake this as easily as I want to. I feel like I have nothing I am excited about. No pressure. Perhaps I really do need a job or routine of some kind? Otherwise, my job ends up being emotional processing. It's just passing the time, waiting for the year to end. I guess I am afraid, I am afraid of making wrong choices, getting a job and feeling overwhelmed, and my kids suffering, but honestly, when I don't have anything to do, I feel so bummed that I am not good to them anyway. Ultimately, happy moms count for a lot. I really do need to figure out how to be happy. And then she slumped on her desk.
Everyone finds their own way through these types of things. My therapist made me see one of my skills in dealing with this, that I am a communicator, I gather information, sort it, take what works for me, leave the rest. That's what I've been doing. I've been talking to people. And in the end, it's very helpful to see how others go through these things. And then make my own way through anyway.
One thing that comes up again and again is that I need to treat myself very well during this time. Be very kind to myself, as this is awful, horrible, devastating.
I can't imagine it ever passing. I am sure it will.