Finer than a hair

How could he do this? I have conversations with him in my head, in my heart. "I love you. I love our family. I love our marriage. How can you walk away from this?"
And, if I can understand or make my peace with him walking away from me, the thing I totally don't get is how he can walk away from the children?? He sees them a few days per week, and I guess in his mind that absolves him of responsibility to them. It's so monocular. The fact is that by leaving me, he has damaged the level of love and nurturing that I can provide to our children. It's a great injury to me as a mother and, by being so, an act of disloyalty to our children. How can he do that and consider himself a good father? I don't know how I can ever forgive him for that.
When you look to the Writings there is no reason for a divorce. If both parties are being true to the Laws then there would be no divorces. Ninety-five percent of people, Baha'i and non-Baha'i, tell me that it's acceptable to divorce. They try to tell me that I am better off without him. They tell me that it was a bad union. They draw my attention to the fact that love had long been gone from our marriage. That it was not a "mutual attachment of mind and heart". My answer - so what?! First of all, the standard is what is says in the Writings. It says that the Baha'i partner must put in a super-human effort to save a marriage. Therefore, if two people are each loyal and insightful as to their own actions and responsibilities to God, no marriage would ever dissolve. However, if one person wants it badly, and the other is willing to walk away - there is nothing that can be done.
I guess my point here is that many divorces which take place are misguided and did not actually have to happen. Short of one partner running away, there is no manifestation of discord which cannot be worked through as long as both parties stay committed and steadfast to the process. It annoys me that people can be so lackadaisical with regards to marriages. Apathy is one of the five things which can hurt us most, Baha'u'llah tells us. It annoys me too that many Baha'is actually question the Writings - there is a general undercurrent of disobedience. I am shocked at how many active Baha'is do not say their obligatory prayers, for example. It's not a choice ! As for me, I am strong in my obedience, it appears that I can grow in my tolerance and forgiveness.
A dear friend mentioned to me that the whole community needs to mature. Twenty years ago there was not the support and understanding in a Baha'i community about a YOW or a divorce. She mentioned I am very fortunate to be in a community where the LSA is mature enough to be handling this so smoothly.
When we got married the LSA approved the marriage even though my mother had revoked consent prior to the wedding. According to Baha'i Law the parent can with hold consent for any reason, including bigotry or prejudice against the Faith, and they can change their mind right up until the wedding, assuming that the parent is not extremely mentally-ill, or has not had their parental rights revoked due to abuse. My mother changed her mind about consent upon hearing we were to have a Baha'i wedding. She played the consent card as a trump to try to get me to have a Christian wedding ceremony too. After some meetings with LSA members however, they chose to honor the original consent that my mother gave. I had some misgivings about this following the wedding and have had more most recently, however, I have been informed that Baha'u'llah Himself said he would follow what an Assembly decided, even if it was wrong. I know, that my wedding was, therefore, following Baha'i Law to the best of my ability. It had God's blessing. I was doing my best. However, it appears that the LSA was wrong, at the time. According to the Writings, I ought not to have had my marriage approved.
Choices. Material or Spiritual. My husband has this beautiful house. I'm in a basement suite, two kids, on income support and struggling to simply get through the YOW, and putting in effort into emotional and spiritual growth, and it takes a lot of effort to process these emotions. It is hard work. Sometimes, I wonder if I am making the right choice. To me, it's a total moot point, I know in my heart the Truth of the spiritual world, there isn't any way someone could convince me through logic to not follow that path. However, sometimes it is difficult to see the logic of the choice I've made. it seems very illogical, actually. All I know is that from experience, following my own desires or building wealth or status in the material world does not lead to true happiness. The only way, in my experience, to be happy, is to follow the Path of God.
One of my favorite images of this path is from the conversations between the Beloved Bab and Mulla Husayn: "[The path of God is] finer than a hair and keener than a sword." It is lonely. It is not easy. There are many tears on that path.
I am comforted to know that all true lovers of the Beloved have shed tears on their paths.
I have also been thinking about marriage in general. You can be great friends with someone and not marry them. It's so liberating. The only reason to marry someone, that I can see, is to live with him. Now, why would I necessarily want to do that? I am feeling stronger, more supported, independent, secure, content with where I am. In the past I may have run into another relationship as a means of escaping my loneliness. But now, I see that i am stronger than I thought. I can be a single-mother, earn an income, complete an MA, serve the Faith and be supported by my friends. Life is ok. It's not as scary as I thought. Knowing everything I know now, I feel much more confident in not rushing into another relationship out of desperation.
This guy that I had feelings for. It's very interesting what is developing there. We are actually friends. I have never been friends with a guy I've loved and not jumped into a romance with him. In fact, I think I have never actually loved a guy before. I've never risked loving a guy before. I kept friendship with men at an arm's length away, and instead formed unions with men with whom I couldn't really be friends with. Somehow, I thought they were safe and that I would not get hurt. But the opposite was true. I got hurt over and over again.
When my husband and I were still getting to know each other, we were already involved physically (all before I was a Baha'i), but were living far away from each other, I had a dream about him one night. In the dream he is walking with another girl and she is flirting and wooing him, and he is falling for it. I am watching the pursuit occur, walking a little ways behind them, and I feel loss and sadness, and am powerless to stop it.
When I awoke from this dream, almost exactly six years ago to the day, I was shaken and distressed. We had been drifting apart and I felt the loss of losing him in the dream so acutely. I was in tears and distraught. I resolved that morning to make this relationship work, I would not lose him to another.
It appears that this dream was prophetic - I am in this exact situation now. He's shacked up with this other woman, she is wooing him and beguiling him - he is falling for it, I stand by, grieving but unable to make events be any different.
It is interesting how in an effort to avoid the reality of the dream I created it. Isn't that the way with prophecy? King Oedipus.
As long as I am on the subject of dreams. I have had many dreams about this other fellow. And in all of them, the love is very strong.