Just watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I really liked this movie! I liked the dialogue, the lines, the cinematography, the music, the humour. The thing that I liked most about it was the relationship between Butch and The Kid. The partnership that these two men have is the type of partnership that I think marriage should be. I checked out some reviews and analyses online about the relationship between the two of them, and was disappointed. I found that from the ones I saw, people won't really talk about the relationship between the two of them, even though it is readily agreed by critics that this is one of the main reasons for this movie's appeal. And the reason people won't really explore the relationship is because it's between two men. Oh no! Therefore it must be homoerotic or whatever. Why can't it just be a spiritual relationship? Why do people need to read into it? We are to be developing spiritual bonds of love, and these two men portray an excellent camaraderie and equal partnership. Butch and Sundance, are equals. Men and women are equals. In past times and still today, women, due to being women can't do certain things, because men can't keep it in their pants, for the most part. I have found that the more a man can be respectful and keep his thoughts pure, the more of a loving connection and spiritual relationship can develop between a man and a woman.
This banter, support, understanding, acceptance, love, got your backness and stick by youness (and action!!) of their relationship is what I want in my marriage. I want someone with whom, as they say in Polish, "you can steal horses". In film/ visual media, we often see these relationships between men. We rarely see them between women, because in general, women exist in films in order to develop the male character or to support other women, women generally don't *do* things in film. (This sucks. It is not true to life or true to women's capacity, and ends up selling young men and women on a limited idea of reality, configured to gender; but that is an aside.) And we certainly don't see this relationship existing between a man and a woman, except perhaps in children's films.... but that is another aside that I need to think about more.
Anyway, as far as relationship role models go from film, Butch & Sundance provide an excellent spiritual partnership - and we can see this only if we see their interaction as that of two souls, rather than two men.
Oh, and favourite quote? During the card game... "what's your secret" (pause) "prayer". LMAO
Lame Guys & Fair Judgements
Why are guys so lame?
There is such a difference between what a woman would do in a situation and what a man does. Really? I mean, really?!
There is no answer to this question, ask me again when I am 90 and I hope I will have an answer for you.
There are all these funny little witticisms about men being inept, like the one about men being like a bottle of wine and needing 30 years before it turns into something you want to have dinner with. But really? Are these saying true? Are men really so hopeless?
If so, what is the point of a relationship? It's easier to be single and not have to deal with some fool who just ends up being someone else that you need to take care of, an added burden.
And then, I see some men, the ones that would be equivalent to the good aged wines, who are actually fine specimens of male. They have grown up. Somewhere along the line there was a woman who had to work and forgive and understand and accept in order for that guy to evolve into a man. Right?
If that is the trade-off, I don't want to do that. I expect more out of a partner.
And do guys know how lame they are? Then how come they don't change?
Part of it, I am sure, is that women don't expect more out of them. In general women have such low standards and will accept all sorts of disrespectful behaviour from guys, so they don't grow, why should they? It takes a special evolved soul to grow without the promise of reward or the threat of punishment, solely from the love of growth and God.
So really, the question must be asked: why are girls so lame?
Spiritual education. Spiritual weakness. Spiritual growth.
Our whole society is affected by this malady and it creates lame guys (and gals). But I'm just concerned with the lame guy aspect, as it affects me.
Oh well, nothing to be done about it. Just teach the Faith, set your gaze on the Supreme Horizon and I am sure that if Baha'u'llah wants guys to grow up, He can make it happen. All in the fullness of time, my dears.
The other thing to note here is that we all screw up, women too, myself included obviously. I guess one difference is that I understand women and their struggles and tests, being one myself. I don't understand men or the tests and struggles and challenges that they experience. So I really cannot judge at all their response to their tests.
I guess, and this is just coming up now as I type, that one way of telling how a man measures up is to compare him to other men in the same situation and see how he fares, what choices he makes. That seems like a fair yardstick. Baha'u'llah tells us to be fair in our judgement. So I guess the standard comparison of one's own experiences and responses doesn't really hold well for men, at least not in emotional or relationship contexts. (Likely in business it's fair).
That kind of makes it more difficult to figure out from where a guy is coming. Brothers, fathers, husbands of good friends - that's the time to ask them.
There is such a difference between what a woman would do in a situation and what a man does. Really? I mean, really?!
There is no answer to this question, ask me again when I am 90 and I hope I will have an answer for you.
There are all these funny little witticisms about men being inept, like the one about men being like a bottle of wine and needing 30 years before it turns into something you want to have dinner with. But really? Are these saying true? Are men really so hopeless?
If so, what is the point of a relationship? It's easier to be single and not have to deal with some fool who just ends up being someone else that you need to take care of, an added burden.
And then, I see some men, the ones that would be equivalent to the good aged wines, who are actually fine specimens of male. They have grown up. Somewhere along the line there was a woman who had to work and forgive and understand and accept in order for that guy to evolve into a man. Right?
If that is the trade-off, I don't want to do that. I expect more out of a partner.
And do guys know how lame they are? Then how come they don't change?
Part of it, I am sure, is that women don't expect more out of them. In general women have such low standards and will accept all sorts of disrespectful behaviour from guys, so they don't grow, why should they? It takes a special evolved soul to grow without the promise of reward or the threat of punishment, solely from the love of growth and God.
So really, the question must be asked: why are girls so lame?
Spiritual education. Spiritual weakness. Spiritual growth.
Our whole society is affected by this malady and it creates lame guys (and gals). But I'm just concerned with the lame guy aspect, as it affects me.
Oh well, nothing to be done about it. Just teach the Faith, set your gaze on the Supreme Horizon and I am sure that if Baha'u'llah wants guys to grow up, He can make it happen. All in the fullness of time, my dears.
The other thing to note here is that we all screw up, women too, myself included obviously. I guess one difference is that I understand women and their struggles and tests, being one myself. I don't understand men or the tests and struggles and challenges that they experience. So I really cannot judge at all their response to their tests.
I guess, and this is just coming up now as I type, that one way of telling how a man measures up is to compare him to other men in the same situation and see how he fares, what choices he makes. That seems like a fair yardstick. Baha'u'llah tells us to be fair in our judgement. So I guess the standard comparison of one's own experiences and responses doesn't really hold well for men, at least not in emotional or relationship contexts. (Likely in business it's fair).
That kind of makes it more difficult to figure out from where a guy is coming. Brothers, fathers, husbands of good friends - that's the time to ask them.
The Cup of the Law
I remember thinking that the YOW would end softly and just peter out... Looking back on the end of my YOW, that was not the case. It ended violently, just like it began. I was sharply thrust into a new world, no longer the soft, contemplative world of the YOW. And I was not expecting it.
The YOW may be likened to a powerful Entity, Who influences you for one year and stays with you. And when that Entity arrives or departs you *feel* it. At least that is what my experience was like.
I am sure that there are all sorts of different experiences of the YOW, just like there are all sorts of different marriages and souls. Each individual will experience the relationship between themselves, their marriage and the YOW Entity differently, because they are all different.
My hope for people who are within a YOW is that they manage to learn everything from their interaction with the Entity that they can. Looked at another way, that Entity may, and the acuteness of the year, may also be likened to one's interactions and relationship to the Laws of Baha'u'llah in general.
For me, I experienced first hand the awesome Power of the Law. The Power with which it began and the Power with which it withdrew it's influence.
I wonder if others experience it like this too? Those who remain steadfast at least.
For those who disregard its purpose and take it lightly, I just feel sorry for them that they won't taste the sweetness of obedience and gain the growth that comes from it. It's too bad, but it's their choice.
It is an opportunity to deepen ones relationship with God. An intimate time of communion with the Creator, through obedience to the Laws.
Bahá'u'lláh says: "In all these journeys the traveler must stray not the breadth of a hair from the 'Law', for this is indeed the secret of the 'Path' and the fruit of the Tree of 'truth', and in all these stages he must cling to the robe of obedience to the commandments, and hold fast to the cord of shunning all forbidden things, that he may be nourished from the cup of the Law and informed of the mysteries of truth."
I offer this quotation to all those Loved Ones of God who are in a YOW, in the hopes that they may turn their hearts towards God and direct their feet along His straight path, that their minds may be illumined of the mysteries behind the mystic veil and their souls rejoice in the knowledge of Him.
The YOW may be likened to a powerful Entity, Who influences you for one year and stays with you. And when that Entity arrives or departs you *feel* it. At least that is what my experience was like.
I am sure that there are all sorts of different experiences of the YOW, just like there are all sorts of different marriages and souls. Each individual will experience the relationship between themselves, their marriage and the YOW Entity differently, because they are all different.
My hope for people who are within a YOW is that they manage to learn everything from their interaction with the Entity that they can. Looked at another way, that Entity may, and the acuteness of the year, may also be likened to one's interactions and relationship to the Laws of Baha'u'llah in general.
For me, I experienced first hand the awesome Power of the Law. The Power with which it began and the Power with which it withdrew it's influence.
I wonder if others experience it like this too? Those who remain steadfast at least.
For those who disregard its purpose and take it lightly, I just feel sorry for them that they won't taste the sweetness of obedience and gain the growth that comes from it. It's too bad, but it's their choice.
It is an opportunity to deepen ones relationship with God. An intimate time of communion with the Creator, through obedience to the Laws.
Bahá'u'lláh says: "In all these journeys the traveler must stray not the breadth of a hair from the 'Law', for this is indeed the secret of the 'Path' and the fruit of the Tree of 'truth', and in all these stages he must cling to the robe of obedience to the commandments, and hold fast to the cord of shunning all forbidden things, that he may be nourished from the cup of the Law and informed of the mysteries of truth."
I offer this quotation to all those Loved Ones of God who are in a YOW, in the hopes that they may turn their hearts towards God and direct their feet along His straight path, that their minds may be illumined of the mysteries behind the mystic veil and their souls rejoice in the knowledge of Him.
Blah.
Bored. Feeling blah. Things are peaceful in my life, but I feel like I need some stimulation. Are things too peaceful? There is a discontent brewing. It's only around today. Let's see how it develops.
A Year
"Things take a year."
"What things?"
"All things."
Look at the cycles of nature, the pregnancy and post-partum stage, a year of waiting.
It is a reminder that whatever you are fretting over and worrying about or working on, it will take a year for there to be any change or visible growth.
The growth is occurring of course throughout the year, but you cannot see the effect of it for about one year. A year is a magical time. It's also nice to watch the seasons go by and contemplate them while they are growing, that is part of worshiping God and knowing God, appreciating and loving all stages of the growth.
It yields peace.
"What things?"
"All things."
Look at the cycles of nature, the pregnancy and post-partum stage, a year of waiting.
It is a reminder that whatever you are fretting over and worrying about or working on, it will take a year for there to be any change or visible growth.
The growth is occurring of course throughout the year, but you cannot see the effect of it for about one year. A year is a magical time. It's also nice to watch the seasons go by and contemplate them while they are growing, that is part of worshiping God and knowing God, appreciating and loving all stages of the growth.
It yields peace.
Twinkle twinkle
I don't have my girls. They are at daycare. I miss them already. It is difficult to focus on the tasks ahead of me. It is difficult to tear myself away from just feeling glum and sorry for myself.
I am mad at my ex. Separation and divorce are absolutely stupid ideas. I am mad that I don't get to have the kids, the husband, the happy home, the support.
I just have to keep pluggin' away.
As Rumi says "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to" & "Mysteries are not meant to be solved".
I feel as if I am floating on a sea of emotion, being tossed one way and then as soon as I orient myself with my direction, I am tossed into another random previously unknown direction. I felt jealous today, about a friend of mine. It was unexpected to feel this related to him, and I realized that I care more than I should about something he did.
What is with male relationships being so compelling and so complicated at the same time?
I realize that the relationships that are around me are the ones that I depend on and that grow and that are supportive. The relationships which are not around, simply pass, they aren't vehicles for mutual growth. My children are examples of the first kind. Even though I am clearly the one supporting and nurturing them, it is also clearly an interdependent relationship. I don't rely on them, but their presence, their love, their joy, their need supports me. And spiritually, they are a strong source of support and I can rely on them in that realm. Praise be to God for my wonderful children and for this dynamic of unity in our single parent family.
It tough not being with them.
How does a partner (a husband) fit into this picture? I don't see what that might look like.
I am grateful that I am not in a disunited marriage. It is a most painful place to feel disunity. Marriage is the one relationships upon which all relationships in society are built. We sense it on an intuitive, gut level how important the maintenance of unity in that relationship is. And it is devastating when our efforts do not yield the desired outcome, the sought after goal.
I am an excellent mother. I am an excellent wife. A wife without a husband.
Rumi also says not to be to eager to give up your loneliness, for it is in this loneliness that we grow closer to God. That works for me. The heart was created for loving God. The only true loneliness is of the lover separated from her Beloved. And the Beloved is an eye twinkle away, at all times. Ya Baha'u'lla-Abha!
I am mad at my ex. Separation and divorce are absolutely stupid ideas. I am mad that I don't get to have the kids, the husband, the happy home, the support.
I just have to keep pluggin' away.
As Rumi says "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to" & "Mysteries are not meant to be solved".
I feel as if I am floating on a sea of emotion, being tossed one way and then as soon as I orient myself with my direction, I am tossed into another random previously unknown direction. I felt jealous today, about a friend of mine. It was unexpected to feel this related to him, and I realized that I care more than I should about something he did.
What is with male relationships being so compelling and so complicated at the same time?
I realize that the relationships that are around me are the ones that I depend on and that grow and that are supportive. The relationships which are not around, simply pass, they aren't vehicles for mutual growth. My children are examples of the first kind. Even though I am clearly the one supporting and nurturing them, it is also clearly an interdependent relationship. I don't rely on them, but their presence, their love, their joy, their need supports me. And spiritually, they are a strong source of support and I can rely on them in that realm. Praise be to God for my wonderful children and for this dynamic of unity in our single parent family.
It tough not being with them.
How does a partner (a husband) fit into this picture? I don't see what that might look like.
I am grateful that I am not in a disunited marriage. It is a most painful place to feel disunity. Marriage is the one relationships upon which all relationships in society are built. We sense it on an intuitive, gut level how important the maintenance of unity in that relationship is. And it is devastating when our efforts do not yield the desired outcome, the sought after goal.
I am an excellent mother. I am an excellent wife. A wife without a husband.
Rumi also says not to be to eager to give up your loneliness, for it is in this loneliness that we grow closer to God. That works for me. The heart was created for loving God. The only true loneliness is of the lover separated from her Beloved. And the Beloved is an eye twinkle away, at all times. Ya Baha'u'lla-Abha!
Changing Gears
I spent the last two days with my kids, just me and them, some outings, some visits, Holy Day celebration. I was nervous and anxious about it, about feeling overwhelmed or pressured by them, being tired. But then I realized that my girls are so good at being understanding and about giving me space. And in fact, we have an excellent dynamic. Praise be to God!
So now our two days of hang outs are over. Tomorrow they go back to daycare, and they spend the weekend with their Dad. I have work and school work to do.
The last weekend that they were with their Dad and I was home alone, even though I had lots to do, I spend all day Sunday in bed, watched two movies, prayed, read, reflected, journaled etc. I am afraid that tomorrow morning after I drop them off I will again sink into my moods and reflections. The problem is that these moods aren't very effective. I think that there is a certain degree of healing that goes on while I am in them, and it's easy terrain for me to traverse, the reflective, contemplative, musing, creative, exploring terrain. However, I end up being un-productive. And I am not entirely sure how to manage this tendency. How much reflection do I need? At what point do I fight it and force myself to start to do something?
Perhaps the concern with being unprodcutive is unfounded. I am not being productive in an external sense, but perhaps the musing and wandering through the landscape of my emotions is productive in a different sense? I suspect that it is and that I am learning through it. The question is what am I learning? And is it serving God ultimately?
I am nervous now about the upcoming weekend and the space I will have to myself.
My kids regulate me, they stabilize me, they give me a structure and a routine. As much as I dislike it and wish to just do my thing, it is actually very good for me to parent them, care for them, nurture them, structure them, and I am serving God while doing these things.
So while I am alone, with everything that I need to do - schoolwork, workwork, paperwork, housework ... how does that figure in with service? "Give me Thy grace to serve Thy loved ones" 'Abdu'l-Baha prays in the Tablet of Visitation. While saying that prayer recently, I've been thinking of my kids and it has been confirming. Being with them is hard work and it is a challenge.
Now with being alone coming upon me, I am feeling daunted, unsure, nervous, anxious.
It is changing gears and my transmission feels like its sticking.
From a little more of a detached perspective, I observe myself and think that it is change that makes me anxious. Which is a pretty normal thing, right? Change is difficult to manage and adjust to. Life is full of changes.
"If you want things to stay the same, everything is going to have to change around here." ;)
I struggle with how much time do I need for me and at what point do I need to do something else? At what point is it indulgent? At what point is it necessary?
My tendency is to forget myself and not take the time that I need. So I think that in some ways I go to the other extreme too and I take too much of it. And I am good at both. And I am creative and creativity is hard to manage. But I am also driven, organized and effective, these qualities create a tension with my reflective, creative musing side. Where is the balance between the two?
While I have the kids, it's a situation that is more familiar to me. The default is serving and being externally focused, the internal side gets listened to only when it really needs it. But when I am alone, with not many direct external pressures to do, the reflective side doesn't have boundaries directing it and I sort of allow it to take over. And, to repeat myself, I am not sure how much I *should*.
So now our two days of hang outs are over. Tomorrow they go back to daycare, and they spend the weekend with their Dad. I have work and school work to do.
The last weekend that they were with their Dad and I was home alone, even though I had lots to do, I spend all day Sunday in bed, watched two movies, prayed, read, reflected, journaled etc. I am afraid that tomorrow morning after I drop them off I will again sink into my moods and reflections. The problem is that these moods aren't very effective. I think that there is a certain degree of healing that goes on while I am in them, and it's easy terrain for me to traverse, the reflective, contemplative, musing, creative, exploring terrain. However, I end up being un-productive. And I am not entirely sure how to manage this tendency. How much reflection do I need? At what point do I fight it and force myself to start to do something?
Perhaps the concern with being unprodcutive is unfounded. I am not being productive in an external sense, but perhaps the musing and wandering through the landscape of my emotions is productive in a different sense? I suspect that it is and that I am learning through it. The question is what am I learning? And is it serving God ultimately?
I am nervous now about the upcoming weekend and the space I will have to myself.
My kids regulate me, they stabilize me, they give me a structure and a routine. As much as I dislike it and wish to just do my thing, it is actually very good for me to parent them, care for them, nurture them, structure them, and I am serving God while doing these things.
So while I am alone, with everything that I need to do - schoolwork, workwork, paperwork, housework ... how does that figure in with service? "Give me Thy grace to serve Thy loved ones" 'Abdu'l-Baha prays in the Tablet of Visitation. While saying that prayer recently, I've been thinking of my kids and it has been confirming. Being with them is hard work and it is a challenge.
Now with being alone coming upon me, I am feeling daunted, unsure, nervous, anxious.
It is changing gears and my transmission feels like its sticking.
From a little more of a detached perspective, I observe myself and think that it is change that makes me anxious. Which is a pretty normal thing, right? Change is difficult to manage and adjust to. Life is full of changes.
"If you want things to stay the same, everything is going to have to change around here." ;)
I struggle with how much time do I need for me and at what point do I need to do something else? At what point is it indulgent? At what point is it necessary?
My tendency is to forget myself and not take the time that I need. So I think that in some ways I go to the other extreme too and I take too much of it. And I am good at both. And I am creative and creativity is hard to manage. But I am also driven, organized and effective, these qualities create a tension with my reflective, creative musing side. Where is the balance between the two?
While I have the kids, it's a situation that is more familiar to me. The default is serving and being externally focused, the internal side gets listened to only when it really needs it. But when I am alone, with not many direct external pressures to do, the reflective side doesn't have boundaries directing it and I sort of allow it to take over. And, to repeat myself, I am not sure how much I *should*.
External / Internal
There are internal boundaries and external boundaries in relationships.
What bugged me about Boy during the YOW was that my exploration of the relationship was blocked by external boundaries, ie: my perception of how I should be acting towards my feeling during the YOW and therefore remaining faithful to the marriage.
I dislike external constraints. What I like to do is explore the internal boundaries in relationships, explore what the relationship, any relationship, (family, friendships, romantic) is made of. Now that the YOW is over I can do that with Boy and with others. There is this other relationships which was remarkably compelling for some time, and is still, but only mildly now. For a short period of time there were external boundaries only in that relationship and it drove me mad because I couldn't explore it. I paced up and down that external boundary fence like a wild cat looking for a way inside. I found one, and now the relationship is growing again, still respecting its external constraints, but still developing along its nature. And now I can explore the internal constraints inherent within it.
On another thought, my YOW is over. I am a single mom, two kids, school, working, and actively creating a lot of music. There's no romantic interest in my life, and truth be told I am not that interested in there being one. I am, however, really digging the new friendships with guys that are developing, and I am digging exploring those relationships. What I realize with all of this is that it's admittedly still a difficult situation for me, there are a lot of demands on my time and energy, and I am tired most of the time, however, a real blessing and something which I am experiencing for the first time in my life is that there is no one who is purposefully sabotaging me. While I was growing up, it was my mother, due to her mental illness mostly. And then, it was my husband. There's this saying about person A who wants person B to be free, but piggy backs on B all the time, forcing B to do A's work. That is what is felt like to be married to my husband.
As for that guy I was obsessed with during the YOW. There's nothing really there now. He is distant. And I am not interested. I'd be interested in potentially getting to know him and seeing if we can be friends, and maybe that will happen over the next year or so. We'll see.
This other guy, he and I were good friends while I was in my YOW, and he was in one too. However, when mine ended, suddenly, there was attraction between us, so we chose to do the prudent thing and we stopped hanging out. That is something that I am curious to see play out as well, over the next year or so. I'd like to continue exploring the friendship we had, not a romantic relationship.
In fact, I feel totally allergic right now to romantic relationships. And I really don't get them. I'm sick of society's preoccupation with "co-dependent romantic love". As I told my daughter and her best friend, when her friend mentioned "boyfriends". I said, "boyfriends are waste of time. You can have many friends who are boys and one day you will choose one of them to marry and he will be your husband."
We are told in the Writings to develop spiritual bonds of love. So what does that look like between a man and a woman, immersed in a society and culture that encourages any opposite gender relationship to become romantic and/or physical? I think this question is what I am exploring now, definitely through the internal / external boundaries within the relationship with this other guy and with many of the other guys I know too.
One thing that is very interesting, and not really surprising, is that with non-Baha'i guys there is almost no possibility of having a friendship, and therefore exploring this concept of spiritual bonds of love, as they are too blinded by sex.
What bugged me about Boy during the YOW was that my exploration of the relationship was blocked by external boundaries, ie: my perception of how I should be acting towards my feeling during the YOW and therefore remaining faithful to the marriage.
I dislike external constraints. What I like to do is explore the internal boundaries in relationships, explore what the relationship, any relationship, (family, friendships, romantic) is made of. Now that the YOW is over I can do that with Boy and with others. There is this other relationships which was remarkably compelling for some time, and is still, but only mildly now. For a short period of time there were external boundaries only in that relationship and it drove me mad because I couldn't explore it. I paced up and down that external boundary fence like a wild cat looking for a way inside. I found one, and now the relationship is growing again, still respecting its external constraints, but still developing along its nature. And now I can explore the internal constraints inherent within it.
On another thought, my YOW is over. I am a single mom, two kids, school, working, and actively creating a lot of music. There's no romantic interest in my life, and truth be told I am not that interested in there being one. I am, however, really digging the new friendships with guys that are developing, and I am digging exploring those relationships. What I realize with all of this is that it's admittedly still a difficult situation for me, there are a lot of demands on my time and energy, and I am tired most of the time, however, a real blessing and something which I am experiencing for the first time in my life is that there is no one who is purposefully sabotaging me. While I was growing up, it was my mother, due to her mental illness mostly. And then, it was my husband. There's this saying about person A who wants person B to be free, but piggy backs on B all the time, forcing B to do A's work. That is what is felt like to be married to my husband.
As for that guy I was obsessed with during the YOW. There's nothing really there now. He is distant. And I am not interested. I'd be interested in potentially getting to know him and seeing if we can be friends, and maybe that will happen over the next year or so. We'll see.
This other guy, he and I were good friends while I was in my YOW, and he was in one too. However, when mine ended, suddenly, there was attraction between us, so we chose to do the prudent thing and we stopped hanging out. That is something that I am curious to see play out as well, over the next year or so. I'd like to continue exploring the friendship we had, not a romantic relationship.
In fact, I feel totally allergic right now to romantic relationships. And I really don't get them. I'm sick of society's preoccupation with "co-dependent romantic love". As I told my daughter and her best friend, when her friend mentioned "boyfriends". I said, "boyfriends are waste of time. You can have many friends who are boys and one day you will choose one of them to marry and he will be your husband."
We are told in the Writings to develop spiritual bonds of love. So what does that look like between a man and a woman, immersed in a society and culture that encourages any opposite gender relationship to become romantic and/or physical? I think this question is what I am exploring now, definitely through the internal / external boundaries within the relationship with this other guy and with many of the other guys I know too.
One thing that is very interesting, and not really surprising, is that with non-Baha'i guys there is almost no possibility of having a friendship, and therefore exploring this concept of spiritual bonds of love, as they are too blinded by sex.
Thank You
Thank You God that this is over. Thank You for delivering me from the hell of my own choosing of my marriage. Thank God that he is gone from my life. I feel so grateful. I feel so peaceful. I am done. I will only accept what God gives me now. I am so blessed. The only men around me now in my life are men that love me and that will be good friends to me.
Thank You for "curing me of my ridiculous obsession with [romantic] love."
Praise be to God, Who hath created existence from non-existence and carried me safely through the raging rapids of my choices.
If for all eternity every droplet of my blood would cry out with millions of tongues in thanks to Thee it would not be sufficient.
Ya Baha'u'l-Abha!
Thank You for "curing me of my ridiculous obsession with [romantic] love."
Praise be to God, Who hath created existence from non-existence and carried me safely through the raging rapids of my choices.
If for all eternity every droplet of my blood would cry out with millions of tongues in thanks to Thee it would not be sufficient.
Ya Baha'u'l-Abha!
the view from the top ;)
The year is over in three days. I feel great. I feel like I have climbed a really tall, arduous, steep, mountain and now I am looking at the view and it's stunning!
I feel like everyone should do a year of waiting. I feel like I have so much insight into life, marriage, relationships, my self, spiritual development. I am grateful for this year. It's like the quote about "outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy" that is what I feel like. Like I went through something which appears to be awful on the outside, but inside it is beautiful and rewarding. I am so blessed to have stayed steadfast and grown through this process. Praise be to God.
The way I think about friendships with guys has really changed now too. There used to be much more sexual tension in my male friendships, now, I can just be friends with guys more and get to know them in ways that I couldn't previously. The relationship can develop and we can develop spiritual bonds of love. That is where I am at now. I just want to explore friendships and spiritual love. Perhaps one day I will have a close close friend, and perhaps we can marry, if we choose to. But for now, I feel like there is absolutely no point to marriage. Why would I want to live with someone? Why would I want all the conflict that is inherent in modern marriages? None of my relationships have grown to the point of being spiritual enough to base a marriage on. May God grant that they will develop into spiritual unions.
I feel like everyone should do a year of waiting. I feel like I have so much insight into life, marriage, relationships, my self, spiritual development. I am grateful for this year. It's like the quote about "outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy" that is what I feel like. Like I went through something which appears to be awful on the outside, but inside it is beautiful and rewarding. I am so blessed to have stayed steadfast and grown through this process. Praise be to God.
The way I think about friendships with guys has really changed now too. There used to be much more sexual tension in my male friendships, now, I can just be friends with guys more and get to know them in ways that I couldn't previously. The relationship can develop and we can develop spiritual bonds of love. That is where I am at now. I just want to explore friendships and spiritual love. Perhaps one day I will have a close close friend, and perhaps we can marry, if we choose to. But for now, I feel like there is absolutely no point to marriage. Why would I want to live with someone? Why would I want all the conflict that is inherent in modern marriages? None of my relationships have grown to the point of being spiritual enough to base a marriage on. May God grant that they will develop into spiritual unions.
So long...
I will start to write a different blog. One about all the new things going on in my life. Kids. Work. Relationships. Music. Me.
I'm feeling like this one has fulfilled it's duty and purpose.
I'm feeling like this one has fulfilled it's duty and purpose.
Facts
It's almost over and I am looking forward to being divorced.
Not much to say about the YOW anymore. I feel like I have exhausted this subject. It seems timely that it is ending. So much wisdom in the Baha'i laws.
And I can take it or leave it in terms of a relationship. That is a refreshing place to be.
Facts.
I am still affected intensely by interactions with Boy.
I recover about 20 hours after seeing him.
I hold no attachment to a relationship outcome with him.
I can see possibilities of successful relationships with other(s) too.
I have come to deeper understandings of marriage and couple hood.
I am stronger and more confident.
My relationships with the community have deepened.
I have learned about myself.
It would be easier to parent with a partner.
If my husband were willing, I would be willing to work on this.
My husband is not willing, I have asked.
Praise be to God for getting me through this year.
xoxo
Not much to say about the YOW anymore. I feel like I have exhausted this subject. It seems timely that it is ending. So much wisdom in the Baha'i laws.
And I can take it or leave it in terms of a relationship. That is a refreshing place to be.
Facts.
I am still affected intensely by interactions with Boy.
I recover about 20 hours after seeing him.
I hold no attachment to a relationship outcome with him.
I can see possibilities of successful relationships with other(s) too.
I have come to deeper understandings of marriage and couple hood.
I am stronger and more confident.
My relationships with the community have deepened.
I have learned about myself.
It would be easier to parent with a partner.
If my husband were willing, I would be willing to work on this.
My husband is not willing, I have asked.
Praise be to God for getting me through this year.
xoxo
Success
The more one struggles with something to more one learns about it.
Success is not measured in outcomes, but in effort put into growth. The challenge in life is to appreciate the dynamics of crisis and victory.
I had a successful marriage. I committed to it, grew in it, struggled with it. I learned. And I am learning to appreciate the dynamics of it.
Success is not measured in outcomes, but in effort put into growth. The challenge in life is to appreciate the dynamics of crisis and victory.
I had a successful marriage. I committed to it, grew in it, struggled with it. I learned. And I am learning to appreciate the dynamics of it.
journey
My YOW is almost over. In the beginning of the year all I could do was think of this moment, of when the year would finally be over. I expected that I would feel peaceful. I was trying to escape from the feeling of panic that I had in the beginning of the year.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.
"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron
How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.
That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.
As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.
O what a journey it has been.
In the end, all I needed to do was just submit to the loss and grief and give myself over to it, while balancing life and new growth at the same time. "All I needed to do" - ha. As if that is so simple. It was hell. Here is an excerpt from an article on grief, which I find relevant and which offers an eloquent and fitting analogy.
"...when you lose someone you love, your reaction is an instinctual process as much as birth and death, and mostly we have to go with that process and endure as best as we can, using our measly coping strategies and receiving a lot of help from others... what I have learned from the grief I'm having now is that to some degree it helps if you can let go into it. Human instinct or the human spirit (same source but different terms) has its own wisdom that definitely, definitely cannot be found in my highly sensitive mind or highly scared ego. These are instincts regarding grief that all humans have had since the dawn of time. (As do all social animals--we know elephants, whales, primates, dogs, etc. also grieve.) If I let go into this instinctual reaction, only attempting to steer around the worst rocks, the raft will usually get through the rapids just as a twig would. I could be scared, wet, and miserable, but time and the river will take me through to quieter waters. With the worst rivers, mind you, you may need to paddle more and have others helping, and still might not be perfectly safe. " - Elaine Aaron
How to get through a YOW?
You pray. You make time to feel the grief. You spend time with friends. You nourish your soul. You process the sadness and terror tearing your soul apart. You love God. You fulfill necessary responsibilities in your life. You ask for help. You remain vigilant and observant about opposite gender relationships. You take it easy on yourself.
That learning of taking it easy on myself was an important one. I tend to have high expectations of myself and I don't know what I expected of myself at the start of the year, perhaps to not feel the loss? To just go on and take it in stride? To not need help? Regardless, this year taught me about being kind to myself, nurturing myself, loving myself, and reaching out to those around me who love me.
As much as I resented the idea of going through this year, this fire, I feel thankful for it now. And, O Lord, I was terrified. It's like my dream about the icy waters and swimming to Australia, which is an iceberg and the sea serpents, praying, and finding warm, sunny and welcoming land right beside me. I feel like I have found that land. Praise be to God.
O what a journey it has been.
How?
The Year is almost over. I have about one more month left from when it officially started. Then we are going to court a week or so after that to get the final divorce handled, including: debt, custody, travel etc.
The tests I am dealing with are no longer YOW related, they are more single parent, young children, living alone, Teaching the Faith, cleaning the house, motivating myself, organizing myself. They are new things, no longer old things.
It feels like I have a new reality. It feels like I should maybe start a different blog? Ha.
The question that I started with, how to get through a YOW - this still needs to be answered.
What would I say to myself back in the fall of last year?
That'll be my last entry I guess.
The tests I am dealing with are no longer YOW related, they are more single parent, young children, living alone, Teaching the Faith, cleaning the house, motivating myself, organizing myself. They are new things, no longer old things.
It feels like I have a new reality. It feels like I should maybe start a different blog? Ha.
The question that I started with, how to get through a YOW - this still needs to be answered.
What would I say to myself back in the fall of last year?
That'll be my last entry I guess.
Exploring attraction
I've been thinking about attractions recently. There is this guy who is cute and playful and likes me ... and well, hey, it's fun to flirt a little with him. Flirting is fun, only as long as it doesn't get too serious.
However, attraction can be potentially dangerous. For instance, I would avoid being in intimate situations with this guy, or one on one with him in private. And as far the he goes, a relationship would never work between us. There would be too much that he would have to change or learn or grow in, in order for me to consider marrying him. However, we can certainly be friends, and love one another that way, as friends. But were it not for attraction we wouldn't be becoming friends. It seems like attraction is a fine line to walk.
There is this other guy who I sometimes play music with and he's a total cutie too, very charming and flirty. But not with me. In fact, I have never picked up that sort of vibe from him, and the relationship is different between us, sort of more laid back.
And then there is the guy who I've been fixated on all year. There was definitely attraction between us in the beginning of this year. And it freaked me out. So I pushed it and him far away in the hopes of getting it out of my life. And it didn't work. The only thing that worked was processing it and learning to deal with it, work with it, detach from it.
The thing with that situation is that I've never been in that dynamic before. I've never liked a guy and not been able to get a clear read of whether he liked me because he's aware of YOW stipulations and even if he did like me wouldn't allow himself to be aware of it, so I just pushed the whole thing away, perhaps in the hopes of having some drama there.
There was an older man I was thinking of today as a possible potential, and I was wondering if I could ever be with an older man. He's mature, intelligent, dynamic, thoughtful ... and married. For me, that's an easy boundary to respect. However, I definitely sensed a potential for a vibe from him too.
I'm youthful, attractive, fun - I am attractive to a lot of people, and men.
The thing with this other guy, the guy who likes me, is that it's a totally familiar dynamic. I am used to guys liking me and me keeping a boundary there. So I know that I can become friends with him - it's a familiar script.
I guess the thing with the year long obsession guy is that I figured he couldn't possibly be interested in me that way, due to his knowing the YOW rules and being so obedient as he is. So I couldn't play my standard role, of keeping the guy at a comfortable flirtation level of distance, as he was not pursuing. Except that he was. And I was.
I feel lonely sometimes. I read in some book about how a girl ought to have different guys, like different outfits, for different moods and occasions. So, I feel like I have that now - I have a guy to do things with, a guy to play music with, guys to play games with - and I am building my guy wardrobe, keeping with the analogy ;)
But who is the guy that I can go on adventures with, laugh with, snuggle next to, trust with my kids, plan finances with, who will cheer me up after a long day, who will respect me, take responsibility for his own growth, who will hold me when I just want to cry, with whom I can create the love, unity and respect that I know a family bond ought to have? Who is the guy who will give me my independence and freedom and still be there when I need closeness, comfort and reassurance? Who is strong enough and mature enough, secure enough to offer me that? And then at the same time, maybe I don't need *all* that.
Maybe for now, all I need is to build my wardrobe and just explore male female friendships without it being heavy with the weight of a relationship. That sounds like a good plan and place to start.
I am starting to get closure with my marriage. I'll write more about that some other time. It's late. Good night.
However, attraction can be potentially dangerous. For instance, I would avoid being in intimate situations with this guy, or one on one with him in private. And as far the he goes, a relationship would never work between us. There would be too much that he would have to change or learn or grow in, in order for me to consider marrying him. However, we can certainly be friends, and love one another that way, as friends. But were it not for attraction we wouldn't be becoming friends. It seems like attraction is a fine line to walk.
There is this other guy who I sometimes play music with and he's a total cutie too, very charming and flirty. But not with me. In fact, I have never picked up that sort of vibe from him, and the relationship is different between us, sort of more laid back.
And then there is the guy who I've been fixated on all year. There was definitely attraction between us in the beginning of this year. And it freaked me out. So I pushed it and him far away in the hopes of getting it out of my life. And it didn't work. The only thing that worked was processing it and learning to deal with it, work with it, detach from it.
The thing with that situation is that I've never been in that dynamic before. I've never liked a guy and not been able to get a clear read of whether he liked me because he's aware of YOW stipulations and even if he did like me wouldn't allow himself to be aware of it, so I just pushed the whole thing away, perhaps in the hopes of having some drama there.
There was an older man I was thinking of today as a possible potential, and I was wondering if I could ever be with an older man. He's mature, intelligent, dynamic, thoughtful ... and married. For me, that's an easy boundary to respect. However, I definitely sensed a potential for a vibe from him too.
I'm youthful, attractive, fun - I am attractive to a lot of people, and men.
The thing with this other guy, the guy who likes me, is that it's a totally familiar dynamic. I am used to guys liking me and me keeping a boundary there. So I know that I can become friends with him - it's a familiar script.
I guess the thing with the year long obsession guy is that I figured he couldn't possibly be interested in me that way, due to his knowing the YOW rules and being so obedient as he is. So I couldn't play my standard role, of keeping the guy at a comfortable flirtation level of distance, as he was not pursuing. Except that he was. And I was.
I feel lonely sometimes. I read in some book about how a girl ought to have different guys, like different outfits, for different moods and occasions. So, I feel like I have that now - I have a guy to do things with, a guy to play music with, guys to play games with - and I am building my guy wardrobe, keeping with the analogy ;)
But who is the guy that I can go on adventures with, laugh with, snuggle next to, trust with my kids, plan finances with, who will cheer me up after a long day, who will respect me, take responsibility for his own growth, who will hold me when I just want to cry, with whom I can create the love, unity and respect that I know a family bond ought to have? Who is the guy who will give me my independence and freedom and still be there when I need closeness, comfort and reassurance? Who is strong enough and mature enough, secure enough to offer me that? And then at the same time, maybe I don't need *all* that.
Maybe for now, all I need is to build my wardrobe and just explore male female friendships without it being heavy with the weight of a relationship. That sounds like a good plan and place to start.
I am starting to get closure with my marriage. I'll write more about that some other time. It's late. Good night.
today
Had a great day today. A very musical day. Went to a devotional, played & sang, then I joined a friend at his gig and sang with him, then I went to another musician friend's and we workshopped some of my songs. :) Came home, played and sang. Lots of music today. Cool. I feel happy. Light. Liberated. Fun.
I saw Boy today. I was not expecting that. It was fine. I was even able to have a mini conversation and conform to social graces. The thing is that I find men attractive, men find me attractive - and that's great, I love guys, however, none of the guys I know would I consider to be husband material. Except for Boy. Oh well... not relevant now anyway.
Just wanted to say how great my day was. Praise be to God!
I saw Boy today. I was not expecting that. It was fine. I was even able to have a mini conversation and conform to social graces. The thing is that I find men attractive, men find me attractive - and that's great, I love guys, however, none of the guys I know would I consider to be husband material. Except for Boy. Oh well... not relevant now anyway.
Just wanted to say how great my day was. Praise be to God!
Addictions
Just an update. I spoke with a dear friend today who has a lot of professional experience in addictions. She doesn't think that I have an addiction issue in my life. She thinks I just have *life*. The way she tells it, and this is straight from the Writings too, is that we all have the insistent self, or Satan. It up to us how we response to that insistent self. If we have a troublesome thought, like I want to drink, and we stop it at the thought, that is passing the test with flying colours, if we encourage the thought a little, think about it, talk about it and then stop it, that's passing, but not as well, if we actually go out and drink, then that's failing the test. So it all depends on our actions in relation to the insistent self. And in her opinion, and I agree, I am not drinking, I am not using, I am not having an affair with Boy or other boys. So in that case she doesn't see me as having trouble with addiction.
I do, btw, have a very mild case of bi-polar and I am on a ridiculously low dose of a mood stabilizer for it. She says that generally, drinking accompanies bi-polar and that the urge to drink can come when I feel manic or depressed. Which is interesting as I was feeling a little down the other day when I wanted to drink and the kids weren't here.
So, all in all, I am glad that I went to AA, maybe I will go again. But I don't think I have to do the 12 Step program. My friend suggested I perhaps try out Alanon, which is for family members of alcoholics. She also said that by being a Baha'i I am doing most of the steps already. Praise be to God that I am a Baha'i !
I am worried about my brother. He shows signs of alcohol dependancy.
I do, btw, have a very mild case of bi-polar and I am on a ridiculously low dose of a mood stabilizer for it. She says that generally, drinking accompanies bi-polar and that the urge to drink can come when I feel manic or depressed. Which is interesting as I was feeling a little down the other day when I wanted to drink and the kids weren't here.
So, all in all, I am glad that I went to AA, maybe I will go again. But I don't think I have to do the 12 Step program. My friend suggested I perhaps try out Alanon, which is for family members of alcoholics. She also said that by being a Baha'i I am doing most of the steps already. Praise be to God that I am a Baha'i !
I am worried about my brother. He shows signs of alcohol dependancy.
Subtle Veil
Isn't the Baha'i Faith amazing?
Just by following the laws and being a Baha'i you become completely transformed.
No drinking, no drugs, no gambling, no sex (outside of marriage) - therefore all addictions are not possible. You are forced to fill yourself with God. And in case you want to escape by talking about other people, you aren't even allowed to do that, no gossip, no backbiting. And finally, the addiction hiding behind all other addictions, co-dependancy. If you were fortunate enough and confirmed in your efforts by the Creator to stop all the above forms of addiction and behaviour and were blessed with a marriage partner, then should your marriage, due to co-dependancy fail, you are given the bounty of the YOW to limit you from creating another pattern of addiction in your growth. Just by following the laws you will heal and move closer to God.
Co-dependancy is so incipient, it's so subtle, it's so prevalent, difficult to spot the behaviour, as it's all around us.
Just by following the laws and being a Baha'i you become completely transformed.
No drinking, no drugs, no gambling, no sex (outside of marriage) - therefore all addictions are not possible. You are forced to fill yourself with God. And in case you want to escape by talking about other people, you aren't even allowed to do that, no gossip, no backbiting. And finally, the addiction hiding behind all other addictions, co-dependancy. If you were fortunate enough and confirmed in your efforts by the Creator to stop all the above forms of addiction and behaviour and were blessed with a marriage partner, then should your marriage, due to co-dependancy fail, you are given the bounty of the YOW to limit you from creating another pattern of addiction in your growth. Just by following the laws you will heal and move closer to God.
Co-dependancy is so incipient, it's so subtle, it's so prevalent, difficult to spot the behaviour, as it's all around us.
Out with the Old and In with the New!
This is so amazing. The two processes of one pattern of behaviour passing, happened simultaneously, with another one growing. Through the course of this year, by not being able to grow in any co-dependent areas, I have grown actual healthy friendships. And I actually know what healthy relationships that aren't codependent look like! Praise be to God!
This makes me think of the old world and the new world. My way of relating to romantic relationships was analogous to "old world" and this new way of having healthy relationships is analogous to "new world". I am still learning, I am not there yet, I am still in the process of growing healthy relationships, I don't know if I will ever be "there". Likely for years to come I will still be learning health patterns, truly I am a pioneer in new lands. I have broken the cycle. I am the first in my immediate family to be learning healthy patterns of communicating and relationships. This expedition into new emotional landscapes, landscapes which are built upon justice, respect and fairness will continue. And my children will continue it.
This is the same process as what we see happening around us in modern civilization. The current systems which were developed over the last 1000 years served well when we were a planet comprised of nations, however, now that we are a planet comprised of one people and one country, we see these systems failing. And we, as Baha'is, are offering an alternative. We don't know what it will look like yet, but it will be based upon our newest Revelation and it will be something like nothing we can imagine, as it will be completely transforming. Just like, me as a relationship addict / alcoholic / substance abuser could never even attempt to imagine what life would look like without those addictions and obsessions. It's like being blindfolded and having the blindfold gently removed, or like having gentle eye surgery and you suddenly begin to see a new world. The amazing thing about it is that the growth is so gentle and beautiful. Of course when you are growing, it's full of struggle and strife - but that's just the nature of it. When you begin to see the progress that you have made you realize that the struggle was so insignificant when compared to how far you have come. And that is solely based on the grace of God. The growth is disproportionate to the struggle. It's not a fair equation. God is the All-Merciful, the Lord of Grace. Truly, the" true lover yearneth for tribulation"!
Just like the modern systems served us as civilizations, co-dependent relationships served us over the last 1000 years as well. It's wonderful that we are being forced to develop new relationships. I finally just caught my first glimpse of why divorce is permissible. In order to allow one soul to grow, when it's partner could not/ would not. My parents screwed up, they didn't do their marriage or their divorce right. Neither one has grown. In this case it is reprehensible to both. I am growing. I did everything I could have done in my marriage, and still am. And, Praise be to God, I remained steadfast. And through that, there have been undeserving bounties showered upon me. It makes sense to me now why the divorce rate is so high. We are learning how to have healthy relationships, this is just another sign of the current order crumbling and a new one being raised up. And we as Baha'is are on the apex of that growth, so that we can serve as guides through our actions, to others.
This is so amazing. Thanks be to Thee, O God, for letting me see and understand this.
I still don't know what the answer is to the original questions I posed 7 months ago, "how to get through a YOW". I'll keep thinking about it, I imagine, that perhaps by the time I write my last entry for this YOW I will have some sort of advice to offer.
This makes me think of the old world and the new world. My way of relating to romantic relationships was analogous to "old world" and this new way of having healthy relationships is analogous to "new world". I am still learning, I am not there yet, I am still in the process of growing healthy relationships, I don't know if I will ever be "there". Likely for years to come I will still be learning health patterns, truly I am a pioneer in new lands. I have broken the cycle. I am the first in my immediate family to be learning healthy patterns of communicating and relationships. This expedition into new emotional landscapes, landscapes which are built upon justice, respect and fairness will continue. And my children will continue it.
This is the same process as what we see happening around us in modern civilization. The current systems which were developed over the last 1000 years served well when we were a planet comprised of nations, however, now that we are a planet comprised of one people and one country, we see these systems failing. And we, as Baha'is, are offering an alternative. We don't know what it will look like yet, but it will be based upon our newest Revelation and it will be something like nothing we can imagine, as it will be completely transforming. Just like, me as a relationship addict / alcoholic / substance abuser could never even attempt to imagine what life would look like without those addictions and obsessions. It's like being blindfolded and having the blindfold gently removed, or like having gentle eye surgery and you suddenly begin to see a new world. The amazing thing about it is that the growth is so gentle and beautiful. Of course when you are growing, it's full of struggle and strife - but that's just the nature of it. When you begin to see the progress that you have made you realize that the struggle was so insignificant when compared to how far you have come. And that is solely based on the grace of God. The growth is disproportionate to the struggle. It's not a fair equation. God is the All-Merciful, the Lord of Grace. Truly, the" true lover yearneth for tribulation"!
Just like the modern systems served us as civilizations, co-dependent relationships served us over the last 1000 years as well. It's wonderful that we are being forced to develop new relationships. I finally just caught my first glimpse of why divorce is permissible. In order to allow one soul to grow, when it's partner could not/ would not. My parents screwed up, they didn't do their marriage or their divorce right. Neither one has grown. In this case it is reprehensible to both. I am growing. I did everything I could have done in my marriage, and still am. And, Praise be to God, I remained steadfast. And through that, there have been undeserving bounties showered upon me. It makes sense to me now why the divorce rate is so high. We are learning how to have healthy relationships, this is just another sign of the current order crumbling and a new one being raised up. And we as Baha'is are on the apex of that growth, so that we can serve as guides through our actions, to others.
This is so amazing. Thanks be to Thee, O God, for letting me see and understand this.
I still don't know what the answer is to the original questions I posed 7 months ago, "how to get through a YOW". I'll keep thinking about it, I imagine, that perhaps by the time I write my last entry for this YOW I will have some sort of advice to offer.
CODA
I just got back from my first AA meeting. I really liked it. And then we went for pizza with a friend of my friend's that was there and she told us about addiction and co-dependency addiction. Wow. I realize that I am an addict to that type of unhealthy relationship. I stopped drinking and married into a co-dependent relationships. When she was telling us about the patterns of co-dependent relationships, it was like she was describing our marriage, my parents marriage, other relationships I've had. I feel so blessed to have been given this insight. I want to go back to more meetings, this feels good. I feel like I can do this.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal, healthy romantic relationship. I probably will, but it will take a lot of thoughtfulness and care to make sure I don't get over-involved with it. One thing can be for sure, that it must grow slowly.
It's amazing how helpful this year has been. I didn't even know I was co-dependent and had trouble with relationships. Now, having been forced to be alone for a year I am realizing all the bounties and healing which has been showered upon me. Praised be God. I still want to go to some CoDa meetings, I think I would benefit from them. This is great. I am excited with this new learning.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal, healthy romantic relationship. I probably will, but it will take a lot of thoughtfulness and care to make sure I don't get over-involved with it. One thing can be for sure, that it must grow slowly.
It's amazing how helpful this year has been. I didn't even know I was co-dependent and had trouble with relationships. Now, having been forced to be alone for a year I am realizing all the bounties and healing which has been showered upon me. Praised be God. I still want to go to some CoDa meetings, I think I would benefit from them. This is great. I am excited with this new learning.
My former/ estranged/ first husband
Sarah Mclachlan has wonderful lyrics. She describes love perfectly. Heartbreak. Sadness. Courage. Faith. Growth. She is an inspiring soul.
I feel feckless. I wonder what I am doing with myself. My kids are fine. I am moving forward career wise. I took a vacation. But who am I? Who am I when I am alone? Without my kids? Without my work? Without Baha'i service? What do I do when it's me time? I think, I ponder, I reflect, I feel, I muse. I love those parts of me, I wouldn't let them go. But I feel like I should be doing more. I think I ought to do more art, in order, perhaps, to feel productive? Or to express these thoughts, feelings, musings, reflections?
Things are more stable now with my husband. Things are more stable for me and my kids. I am starting to develop more of a routine. I am happy to spend time with my kids, I don't get tired or angry being alone with them any longer, it took me a while to adapt to the new life of being a single mother. However, the thing I am struggling with now is myself and my own time and my own identity. Who am I when I don't have my kids? What do I do when they go see their dad? What is my routine? I am trying things out, I am trying out dancing, hanging out with friends, art, music, singing, walks, riding. One thing I noticed is that our apartment is very kid oriented, there is not much here for me, that is mine, or a place I can be that doesn't have some kid influence in it, there's my bedroom, but I haven't really set it up for anything other than sleeping, getting dressed and reading before bed in bed. The living room is like the play area, so always full of toys. Where is that adult area of the apartment?
I think I hide behind my kids, they stabilize me, I know what to do when they are with me. Have I always hidden being relationships? Did I hide behind my husband? "Merge too quickly", as they say? I think perhaps I used to, I think that I am learning more about who I am in relationship to the world.
I feel heartbroken. I feel like no one has ever loved me.
I realized that I am terrified of Boy. I realized that I am not in love with him at all. I am however, obsessed when it comes to him. He scares me. I don't see why he should, but he does. I think I have been traumatized by intimate relationships, first my mother, then my husband. I like Boy and because I like him I feel scared, like there will be pain there. I fear of allowing myself to get close to someone again.
Three times this year I have wanted to drink. I used to drink heavily, was I an alcoholic? I don't know. I stopped about seven years ago, when I went to India. I continued not drinking in India after I heard that Baha'is don't drink. I had, like any heavy drinker, tossed around the idea of stopping drinking every so often. And so I just stopped drinking. I had just as much fun without alcohol and didn't do stupid things and saved money. Then I became a Baha'i and just continued to not drink. There were some occasions when I missed it, but not many. On one occasion a few years back I was really panicky and angry and violent and kicking and punching walls, and I had shot of scotch to calm myself down. It helped.
I remember several years back, before I was married, and I was visiting my future husband. We had gone out for Purim (Israeli Halloween) and it's mandated to get drunk. So, he is not really a drinker, but he was quite drunk that night. Anyway, I was kissing him and his mouth tasted like alcohol - and to me, it tasted sweet. That was my first clue that perhaps I had an addictive relationship to alcohol.
So the other day I had the most intense desire to drink that I've ever had. My kids were with their dad and I was feeling feckless and restless. I was obsessed with the idea of drinking, especially sambuca shots, which used to be one of my preferred choices of getting wasted. I could taste the alcohol on my tongue. I came home, and I don't buy alcohol, but there was one beer in the house that my father left here once. I tried to distract myself, do other things, but I couldn't get this idea of drinking out of my head, I felt like I had lost a dear friend. So eventually, I opened up that can of beer and I inhaled the aroma. It smelled so good. I tasted a little and spat it out. The alcohol tasted so good. And then I called my friend and chatted with her a little and told her what was up. And then I poured the beer down the drain. *Sigh* I wonder if I am addicted to alcohol? I have never gone to an AA meeting, but considered it that night. Anyway, tonight, my friend is going to come with me to one, we'll see if it's for me. I feel a little silly going, I don't have a problem with drinking. But maybe there will be something helpful there for me. We'll see.
It's amazing how, just be following the laws and being a Baha'i you already make such a huge difference in your life. Daily prayer, not drinking, reading spiritual scripture, no lying, backbiting, gossiping, drugs, sex - there are all these areas where you cannot spend your energy, therefore, you are forced to channel your energy in other ways and those ways fuel growth. It's so cool!
In the beginning of the year I was obsessed with Boy but couldn't do anything about it due to the ramifications of the contracted year, and so I obsessed about wanting it, what I would do were it not for these limits. Now that the year is almost over, and there is nothing holding me back, I have an extreme aversion to the possibility of engaging any form of interaction with him. I feel like I just want to push him away. I don't understand. What are these feelings? This is weird. I guess I also feel a little embarrassed that I told him and so many others what was going on. Oy vey.
Even when I started this blog, I started it 'cause I had no idea how I was going to get through this year. I was terrified of being alone, I felt abandoned and traumatized. I felt raw and afraid and I didn't know where to go for shelter, or where to hide. I wanted desperately to be involved in another relationship. Now, I understand how sore I still am inside, how deeply I have been wounded by this marital breakup and how much healing and growth has come for my own self by not being in a relationship. I don't want to sacrifice that or bargain it away or compromise it. If a relationship comes, it comes, if not, I am totally happy with myself and my kids. And as I was writing above, I have found my groove in a number of ways already, the last frontier is finding my groove with myself.
I want to ask my husband out for coffee. Has he even thought at all about what he has done? Probably not, he has just made me the aggressor, him the victim and found a soft, sympathetic, woman to sooth and comfort him. Tsk tsk. It pains me the choice he has made. Things would have settled down, all he needed to do was to get a job, and stay committed. It would have all settled and passed. This way he has torn apart our family, created a struggle for me, created a step-family for himself and our kids and committed himself to a new relationship without even pausing to assess what happened in this one! How stupid is that?! I don't understand it one bit.
However, it's just so bloody normal. It's just so human. That's what people do. That's what we do if we lack direction. And direction comes from faith. Praised be God for making me believe in His faith! It has saved me from so many disasters. Single best decision I ever made was to be a Baha'i.
I would take my husband back. I would forgive all and take him back. Am I too forgiving? I thought that I wasn't a forgiving person, but I guess I am. It's just easier to forgive someone that to hold on to being angry at them.
I don't know what to call my husband anymore. He used to just be my husband, sure there were problems, but by referring to him, I didn't need to get into a dramatic narrative. Now, if I say "ex-husband" people know that I was married, had problems, divorced and I feel like it's dismissive of the union we once had in this world and will forever have in the next world. If I say "kids' dad", then it doesn't show that we were married. Some other suggestions have been, former husband, and first husband. He will always be my husband. I don't see how he could be anything else. I will always love him, care for him, worry for him, pray for him and wish him all the best. He made a good choice by marrying me. It's too bad, he didn't have that trust in himself, in God, to see it through. At the same time, his choices pain me, but that is part of love. You love someone and you don't get to choose their choices for them, you just love them. He's my husband who walked out on me, abandoned me emotionally, abused me, disrespected me, blamed me, was unfaithful to me and took our marriage vows lightly - but we got married. We shared joys together, our home, our hearts, our bodies, our souls, we had two children, we laughed together, planned together, lived together, loved together. How can that experience ever pass into something else?
And yet, I imagine that in time, it will. Time will go on, we will form new attachments (some of us quicker than others), have new experiences, meet new people, perhaps re-marry, and that bond will dissolve. I will know when I die, if that bond remains in the spiritual world. I think it could. If I continue to care for him and pray for him, I think we could still be spiritual partners in the next world. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that there is no limit to the amount of spiritual unions one can have in the next world. I am sure I will get to visit with my first husband then.
But his new relationship perplexes me. I don't understand why she would get involved with him, he's a bad investment! He's got tons of emotional baggage, just left a marriage, walked out on his wife and kids - how is that a man you want to make a partnership with. If it were a business venture would you operate a business with someone who left his former business partner with debt, a ruined operation and wanted to jump right into another one? No way!
I feel feckless. I wonder what I am doing with myself. My kids are fine. I am moving forward career wise. I took a vacation. But who am I? Who am I when I am alone? Without my kids? Without my work? Without Baha'i service? What do I do when it's me time? I think, I ponder, I reflect, I feel, I muse. I love those parts of me, I wouldn't let them go. But I feel like I should be doing more. I think I ought to do more art, in order, perhaps, to feel productive? Or to express these thoughts, feelings, musings, reflections?
Things are more stable now with my husband. Things are more stable for me and my kids. I am starting to develop more of a routine. I am happy to spend time with my kids, I don't get tired or angry being alone with them any longer, it took me a while to adapt to the new life of being a single mother. However, the thing I am struggling with now is myself and my own time and my own identity. Who am I when I don't have my kids? What do I do when they go see their dad? What is my routine? I am trying things out, I am trying out dancing, hanging out with friends, art, music, singing, walks, riding. One thing I noticed is that our apartment is very kid oriented, there is not much here for me, that is mine, or a place I can be that doesn't have some kid influence in it, there's my bedroom, but I haven't really set it up for anything other than sleeping, getting dressed and reading before bed in bed. The living room is like the play area, so always full of toys. Where is that adult area of the apartment?
I think I hide behind my kids, they stabilize me, I know what to do when they are with me. Have I always hidden being relationships? Did I hide behind my husband? "Merge too quickly", as they say? I think perhaps I used to, I think that I am learning more about who I am in relationship to the world.
I feel heartbroken. I feel like no one has ever loved me.
I realized that I am terrified of Boy. I realized that I am not in love with him at all. I am however, obsessed when it comes to him. He scares me. I don't see why he should, but he does. I think I have been traumatized by intimate relationships, first my mother, then my husband. I like Boy and because I like him I feel scared, like there will be pain there. I fear of allowing myself to get close to someone again.
Three times this year I have wanted to drink. I used to drink heavily, was I an alcoholic? I don't know. I stopped about seven years ago, when I went to India. I continued not drinking in India after I heard that Baha'is don't drink. I had, like any heavy drinker, tossed around the idea of stopping drinking every so often. And so I just stopped drinking. I had just as much fun without alcohol and didn't do stupid things and saved money. Then I became a Baha'i and just continued to not drink. There were some occasions when I missed it, but not many. On one occasion a few years back I was really panicky and angry and violent and kicking and punching walls, and I had shot of scotch to calm myself down. It helped.
I remember several years back, before I was married, and I was visiting my future husband. We had gone out for Purim (Israeli Halloween) and it's mandated to get drunk. So, he is not really a drinker, but he was quite drunk that night. Anyway, I was kissing him and his mouth tasted like alcohol - and to me, it tasted sweet. That was my first clue that perhaps I had an addictive relationship to alcohol.
So the other day I had the most intense desire to drink that I've ever had. My kids were with their dad and I was feeling feckless and restless. I was obsessed with the idea of drinking, especially sambuca shots, which used to be one of my preferred choices of getting wasted. I could taste the alcohol on my tongue. I came home, and I don't buy alcohol, but there was one beer in the house that my father left here once. I tried to distract myself, do other things, but I couldn't get this idea of drinking out of my head, I felt like I had lost a dear friend. So eventually, I opened up that can of beer and I inhaled the aroma. It smelled so good. I tasted a little and spat it out. The alcohol tasted so good. And then I called my friend and chatted with her a little and told her what was up. And then I poured the beer down the drain. *Sigh* I wonder if I am addicted to alcohol? I have never gone to an AA meeting, but considered it that night. Anyway, tonight, my friend is going to come with me to one, we'll see if it's for me. I feel a little silly going, I don't have a problem with drinking. But maybe there will be something helpful there for me. We'll see.
It's amazing how, just be following the laws and being a Baha'i you already make such a huge difference in your life. Daily prayer, not drinking, reading spiritual scripture, no lying, backbiting, gossiping, drugs, sex - there are all these areas where you cannot spend your energy, therefore, you are forced to channel your energy in other ways and those ways fuel growth. It's so cool!
In the beginning of the year I was obsessed with Boy but couldn't do anything about it due to the ramifications of the contracted year, and so I obsessed about wanting it, what I would do were it not for these limits. Now that the year is almost over, and there is nothing holding me back, I have an extreme aversion to the possibility of engaging any form of interaction with him. I feel like I just want to push him away. I don't understand. What are these feelings? This is weird. I guess I also feel a little embarrassed that I told him and so many others what was going on. Oy vey.
Even when I started this blog, I started it 'cause I had no idea how I was going to get through this year. I was terrified of being alone, I felt abandoned and traumatized. I felt raw and afraid and I didn't know where to go for shelter, or where to hide. I wanted desperately to be involved in another relationship. Now, I understand how sore I still am inside, how deeply I have been wounded by this marital breakup and how much healing and growth has come for my own self by not being in a relationship. I don't want to sacrifice that or bargain it away or compromise it. If a relationship comes, it comes, if not, I am totally happy with myself and my kids. And as I was writing above, I have found my groove in a number of ways already, the last frontier is finding my groove with myself.
I want to ask my husband out for coffee. Has he even thought at all about what he has done? Probably not, he has just made me the aggressor, him the victim and found a soft, sympathetic, woman to sooth and comfort him. Tsk tsk. It pains me the choice he has made. Things would have settled down, all he needed to do was to get a job, and stay committed. It would have all settled and passed. This way he has torn apart our family, created a struggle for me, created a step-family for himself and our kids and committed himself to a new relationship without even pausing to assess what happened in this one! How stupid is that?! I don't understand it one bit.
However, it's just so bloody normal. It's just so human. That's what people do. That's what we do if we lack direction. And direction comes from faith. Praised be God for making me believe in His faith! It has saved me from so many disasters. Single best decision I ever made was to be a Baha'i.
I would take my husband back. I would forgive all and take him back. Am I too forgiving? I thought that I wasn't a forgiving person, but I guess I am. It's just easier to forgive someone that to hold on to being angry at them.
I don't know what to call my husband anymore. He used to just be my husband, sure there were problems, but by referring to him, I didn't need to get into a dramatic narrative. Now, if I say "ex-husband" people know that I was married, had problems, divorced and I feel like it's dismissive of the union we once had in this world and will forever have in the next world. If I say "kids' dad", then it doesn't show that we were married. Some other suggestions have been, former husband, and first husband. He will always be my husband. I don't see how he could be anything else. I will always love him, care for him, worry for him, pray for him and wish him all the best. He made a good choice by marrying me. It's too bad, he didn't have that trust in himself, in God, to see it through. At the same time, his choices pain me, but that is part of love. You love someone and you don't get to choose their choices for them, you just love them. He's my husband who walked out on me, abandoned me emotionally, abused me, disrespected me, blamed me, was unfaithful to me and took our marriage vows lightly - but we got married. We shared joys together, our home, our hearts, our bodies, our souls, we had two children, we laughed together, planned together, lived together, loved together. How can that experience ever pass into something else?
And yet, I imagine that in time, it will. Time will go on, we will form new attachments (some of us quicker than others), have new experiences, meet new people, perhaps re-marry, and that bond will dissolve. I will know when I die, if that bond remains in the spiritual world. I think it could. If I continue to care for him and pray for him, I think we could still be spiritual partners in the next world. 'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that there is no limit to the amount of spiritual unions one can have in the next world. I am sure I will get to visit with my first husband then.
But his new relationship perplexes me. I don't understand why she would get involved with him, he's a bad investment! He's got tons of emotional baggage, just left a marriage, walked out on his wife and kids - how is that a man you want to make a partnership with. If it were a business venture would you operate a business with someone who left his former business partner with debt, a ruined operation and wanted to jump right into another one? No way!
Sarah M's Perfect Girl
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
Paradox
Could my life get any better? I feel so happy now.
I have done some pretty risky things in my life. I didn't really take anything seriously. The only thing that used to really trip me up was relationships. That's likely where all my major learning and growth came from. At present, relationships don't trip me up as they used to, I have more detachment to them. And I also take other things more seriously, therefore growth can occur in a more proportional way.
There is this line is a prayer "protect me from violent tests". By being mindful, one is protected, by having fear of God one sees the test when it is subtle and learns, rather than needing to continue a pattern until a test manifests violently. Does that make sense? Or how does that fit with the idea of powerlessness? Perhaps really it is nothing to do with the person and their spiritual sensitivity, perhaps it is just God's will - but, one's spiritual sensitivity is bestowed by God as well.
A dear friend said that in his opinion the paradox comes from us thinking that our will and God's will are somehow equatable, when in fact they are totally not. I should just stop thinking about this. I'm not going to get an answer.
Suffice it to say, praise be to God for protecting me from violent tests!
I had a dream a while back where I actually understood the relationship between my will and God's will. I was in a clearing in a forest and there were rocks and it was just me and it was being explained to me and I got it, and it made perfect sense, and when I awoke during the night, I remember thinking, "of course", but when I woke up in the morning, I had no idea what the explanation was, I simply remembered that it had been crystal clear to me. I think of a couple of things here, one is that perhaps in a spiritual level it is clear and it's just not something that can be grasped cognitively and secondly, it doesn't really fascinate me so much because I know that on some level I do understand it, and it is a moot point to my present condition.
I'm going horse back riding tomorrow for in the mountains. I am so excited!
I have done some pretty risky things in my life. I didn't really take anything seriously. The only thing that used to really trip me up was relationships. That's likely where all my major learning and growth came from. At present, relationships don't trip me up as they used to, I have more detachment to them. And I also take other things more seriously, therefore growth can occur in a more proportional way.
There is this line is a prayer "protect me from violent tests". By being mindful, one is protected, by having fear of God one sees the test when it is subtle and learns, rather than needing to continue a pattern until a test manifests violently. Does that make sense? Or how does that fit with the idea of powerlessness? Perhaps really it is nothing to do with the person and their spiritual sensitivity, perhaps it is just God's will - but, one's spiritual sensitivity is bestowed by God as well.
A dear friend said that in his opinion the paradox comes from us thinking that our will and God's will are somehow equatable, when in fact they are totally not. I should just stop thinking about this. I'm not going to get an answer.
Suffice it to say, praise be to God for protecting me from violent tests!
I had a dream a while back where I actually understood the relationship between my will and God's will. I was in a clearing in a forest and there were rocks and it was just me and it was being explained to me and I got it, and it made perfect sense, and when I awoke during the night, I remember thinking, "of course", but when I woke up in the morning, I had no idea what the explanation was, I simply remembered that it had been crystal clear to me. I think of a couple of things here, one is that perhaps in a spiritual level it is clear and it's just not something that can be grasped cognitively and secondly, it doesn't really fascinate me so much because I know that on some level I do understand it, and it is a moot point to my present condition.
I'm going horse back riding tomorrow for in the mountains. I am so excited!
Lamb
Almost 2.5 months left till the end of the YOW. And I don't feel as tense about it anymore. I feel more at peace with the passage of time. It will pass, and it will go out calmly and meekly, not like it came in. It's like March, in like a lion, out like a lamb. That's how this year came in and will likely go out. This year has been a period of marking time, of active waiting. What will happen in the fall when I am not waiting for anything anymore? Am I sensing the start of that again in myself? Previous to this YOW I didn't count time the same way, I am not sure anyone really does, other than prisoners. But I trusted in the process and in letting the time pass, and I let it pass very intensely, which is how I do all things. And I've learned that time does pass and I've learned patience and allowing things to pass, detachment too. I feel almost as if the year is starting to be over already. There will be no grand finale, it will simply slowly peter out. It's peaceful.
I can almost say that I am watching my marriage pass and the passing is peaceful. Like the passing of a dear loved one. There is great emotion that accompanies it, and there always will be. Will my marriage exist still, in the spiritual realm, just like souls exist even after they pass from this world? I hope so. My DH and I should always exist as a unit. I love him dearly. I always will. I don't agree with his choices, I don't support his actions, or how he chooses to live his life, but I love him. And I will love him forever. Hence, our marriage will exist on some level forever. There is comfort in knowing that. There is comfort in knowing that the joy we experienced when we met and fell in love will always be there between us and in the spiritual realm, that will be what remains.
Ya Baha'u'llah Abha!
I can almost say that I am watching my marriage pass and the passing is peaceful. Like the passing of a dear loved one. There is great emotion that accompanies it, and there always will be. Will my marriage exist still, in the spiritual realm, just like souls exist even after they pass from this world? I hope so. My DH and I should always exist as a unit. I love him dearly. I always will. I don't agree with his choices, I don't support his actions, or how he chooses to live his life, but I love him. And I will love him forever. Hence, our marriage will exist on some level forever. There is comfort in knowing that. There is comfort in knowing that the joy we experienced when we met and fell in love will always be there between us and in the spiritual realm, that will be what remains.
O God, my God! This Thy handmaid is calling upon Thee, trusting in Thee, turning her face unto Thee, imploring Thee to shed thy heavenly bounties upon her, and to disclose unto her Thy spiritual mysteries, and to cast upon her the lights of Thy Godhead.
O my Lord! Make the eyes of my husband to see. Rejoice Thou his heart with the light of the knowledge of Thee, draw Thou his mind unto Thy luminous beauty, cheer Thou his spirit by revealing unto him Thy manifest splendors.
O my Lord! Lift Thou the veil from before his sight. Rain down Thy plenteous bounties upon him, intoxicate him with the wine of love for Thee, make him one of Thy angels whose feet walk upon this earth even as their souls are soaring through the high heavens. Cause him to become a brilliant lamp, shining out with the light of Thy wisdom in the midst of Thy people.
Verily, Thou art the Precious, the Ever-Bestowing, the Open of Hand.
‘Abdu’l-Bahá
Ya Baha'u'llah Abha!
It's a new dawn, it's new day! (nina simone)
Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And Im feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And Im feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
Chess
This YOW has really been a Year for Me. I am well pleased with it thus far. My DH and I had an awful marriage. I tried and I tried for five years to make it work. It never worked it got worse, even though I got better. It was like this constant weight weighing me down, I felt like all my spiritual energy was constantly going to the marriage. This year I have learned to fly, I never flew with my husband. This year I'm soaring. Even though to outward eyes this is a straining and difficult time I am having a excellent year. I have realized that I sing and write songs and play guitar. I have realized how much love I can receive and give from and to my friends. I have realized the support of the Baha'i Community around me. I have realized the depth of my male friendships. I have gotten to know communication patterns.
It is still a little scary, being alone. The scary part, or the part I am still working on is managing myself and my own emotions and thoughts and setting boundaries for myself. It will get easier in time.
As for Boy, I realize that firstly, any evaluation of his feeling towards me or mine towards him is vastly premature. A YOW cannot present an accurate representation of a potential romantic dynamic. Secondly, I realize that he may not be interested in exploring what it is between us. I am. He may not be. And that has very little to do with me, actually, it's more to do with where he is at and his willingness to take risks and be in a relationship, what his current priorities are. I am in a different place, I am willing to take risks and be in a relationship.
I am relationship oriented. The thing that I need to look out for is putting too much of my emotion into the relationship before it calls for it. It has to be mutual, like a chess game. White makes a move, then black, then white, then black. It can't be just white or just black making 90% of the moves, which is what it was like with my husband and what it sort of had been like with Boy, even though there's nothing really going on.
It is still a little scary, being alone. The scary part, or the part I am still working on is managing myself and my own emotions and thoughts and setting boundaries for myself. It will get easier in time.
As for Boy, I realize that firstly, any evaluation of his feeling towards me or mine towards him is vastly premature. A YOW cannot present an accurate representation of a potential romantic dynamic. Secondly, I realize that he may not be interested in exploring what it is between us. I am. He may not be. And that has very little to do with me, actually, it's more to do with where he is at and his willingness to take risks and be in a relationship, what his current priorities are. I am in a different place, I am willing to take risks and be in a relationship.
I am relationship oriented. The thing that I need to look out for is putting too much of my emotion into the relationship before it calls for it. It has to be mutual, like a chess game. White makes a move, then black, then white, then black. It can't be just white or just black making 90% of the moves, which is what it was like with my husband and what it sort of had been like with Boy, even though there's nothing really going on.
Torn
I feel torn apart. There is so much wisdom to this year. I am so tired, but I keep playing The Book of Love on the guitar, and staying up and feeling and feeling. It has been 9 months and I still feel torn inside. The end of a marriage, this is huge. It has torn me apart. I am coming to an acceptance of this part of my life being over. It was an awful marriage. We had a bad partnership. But it was still a marriage and I loved it. And I do love it. Somehow, this dynamic with Boy was a perfect dynamic for me to have during this year. I worked through the death of my marriage through that dynamic. I don't think he understands what was going on. I am just beginning to understand it.
btw
I did get a reply btw from the UHJ. Basically I am on the right track, stay committed to my part of the YOW even though he is not.
The Book of Love - this is what my marriage should be
The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings
The Book of Me
The year is almost over. I feel tired, sad. I am having fun, my life is moving on. I go out dancing and guys hit on me and I enjoy the attention, but I still don't want this. I want my husband to commit to this marriage, I want him to grow into his potential. I want our family together. I realize that I have to let this go and I cried so hard today when I realized that it is in fact ending and will be over soon.
And then it will just be me. Sometimes I'll be with the girls, sometimes I'll be with friends, sometimes I'll be with guys, but I will always be with me. One dear friend and therapist said to me to write the Book of Me. The Book of Me and My DH is closed now. And now I can write the Book of Me.
Why is it that the Book of Me somehow always involves a guy? I am still in love with Boy. Although today a friend told me that Boy said he's not into me other than as a friend. It hit me hard to hear that. I fell apart, couldn't concentrate.
This has been an excellent year for friendships. My friendships have deepened and have really grown into very strong supports, both ways. What a wonderful blessing.
I am lonely though. I realized today that I love my husband and I am committed to this marriage. I have been saying it all along that I love him and that I'm committed, but I realized that I really am in love with him and committed. I would still want to work on saving this relationship. Of course that is not going to happen, anytime this year so far that I have suggested to him to work on the marriage he has always been uninterested. I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am going back to school in the fall, I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to this year being done and over. I am looking forward to being emotionally free to make choices about romantic involvement again. Perhaps I will choose to not be involved, but I am looking forward to the freedom of choice. The nice thing is that this year has given me the opportunity to discover myself and discover resources within me and around me for supporting myself emotionally. It has been a wonderful year. I have found myself and I will never lose myself again (In Shallah).
I am going in a horse back riding vacation this week, for five days in the mountains. I am looking forward to it.
I want to start to write the Book of Me. Perhaps it will be a picture book? Perhaps I can have a blog? Perhaps a photo and entry every month or so? I am looking forward to my life. And I feel bad for the children. It shouldn't be this way.
I am looking forward to navigating my life the way I want, organizing it the way I want. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship. At the end of this year I will just be happy to be free.
And then it will just be me. Sometimes I'll be with the girls, sometimes I'll be with friends, sometimes I'll be with guys, but I will always be with me. One dear friend and therapist said to me to write the Book of Me. The Book of Me and My DH is closed now. And now I can write the Book of Me.
Why is it that the Book of Me somehow always involves a guy? I am still in love with Boy. Although today a friend told me that Boy said he's not into me other than as a friend. It hit me hard to hear that. I fell apart, couldn't concentrate.
This has been an excellent year for friendships. My friendships have deepened and have really grown into very strong supports, both ways. What a wonderful blessing.
I am lonely though. I realized today that I love my husband and I am committed to this marriage. I have been saying it all along that I love him and that I'm committed, but I realized that I really am in love with him and committed. I would still want to work on saving this relationship. Of course that is not going to happen, anytime this year so far that I have suggested to him to work on the marriage he has always been uninterested. I don't understand how someone can do that.
I am going back to school in the fall, I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to this year being done and over. I am looking forward to being emotionally free to make choices about romantic involvement again. Perhaps I will choose to not be involved, but I am looking forward to the freedom of choice. The nice thing is that this year has given me the opportunity to discover myself and discover resources within me and around me for supporting myself emotionally. It has been a wonderful year. I have found myself and I will never lose myself again (In Shallah).
I am going in a horse back riding vacation this week, for five days in the mountains. I am looking forward to it.
I want to start to write the Book of Me. Perhaps it will be a picture book? Perhaps I can have a blog? Perhaps a photo and entry every month or so? I am looking forward to my life. And I feel bad for the children. It shouldn't be this way.
I am looking forward to navigating my life the way I want, organizing it the way I want. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship. At the end of this year I will just be happy to be free.
Boundaries
I'm not interested in you
I've got my own things to do
My cup of woe to swallow
My own path to follow
My mind, she won't cooperate
I draw the line, reach a stalemate
Why can't I just forget about you
And concentrate on what I want to do?
There's nothing here and yet I hold on
When it should be God's Will that I depend upon
Help to me to stop thinking of him
Don't leave me swaying on my passion's whim
I've had enough of this energy drain
You get in my way, spiritual wolf's bane
I'm done, I say, I want nothing of this
Except perhaps, a single kiss?
A perpetual player on my conscious' stage
You dance around, spinning, I can't help but engage
It'd be best to leave you to spin alone
Yet these curiosities and temptations, I haven't outgrown
I want peace and stillness,
Not lovesick illness
I don't want these idle fancies and dreams
Please deliver me Lord, from these extremes.
I've got my own things to do
My cup of woe to swallow
My own path to follow
My mind, she won't cooperate
I draw the line, reach a stalemate
Why can't I just forget about you
And concentrate on what I want to do?
There's nothing here and yet I hold on
When it should be God's Will that I depend upon
Help to me to stop thinking of him
Don't leave me swaying on my passion's whim
I've had enough of this energy drain
You get in my way, spiritual wolf's bane
I'm done, I say, I want nothing of this
Except perhaps, a single kiss?
A perpetual player on my conscious' stage
You dance around, spinning, I can't help but engage
It'd be best to leave you to spin alone
Yet these curiosities and temptations, I haven't outgrown
I want peace and stillness,
Not lovesick illness
I don't want these idle fancies and dreams
Please deliver me Lord, from these extremes.
Desire
I just watched Marley & Me. I love the relationship that the couple has in that movie. They have a true partnership, a spiritual union, a rich family life - lots of love and blessings of God. I think that is the best marriage I have seen portrayed in film. It’s not this shallow co-dependent romantic love relationship where the story ends as soon as the couple falls in love. This is the story that continues to show how a couple resolves difficulties and stays committed and makes the right choices when faced with challenging and normal human conditions such as young children, stress, career crisis, personal growth questions.
This is a realistic portrayal of a marriage. This is the kind of marriage I would like to have.
This boy that I am in love with. He is a good man. Praised be God that I’ve fallen in love with a good man versus an immature, selfish, materialistic man, which is what I’ve always fallen for before. It shows that I’ve grown. Praise be to God that I’ve grown. And praise be to God that I’m staying steadfast and for giving me the strength to stay obedient to the Laws of the YOW even in the face of the temptation of such strong emotions and desires and natural impulses. Thanks be to Thee O my God! For Thou has awakened me and made me conscious, Thou has favoured me with a seeing eye and a hearing ear.
I keep thinking to the end of this year and wondering if I will still feel this way toward him. It’s obvious that it’s over between my husband and myself. In other relationships I have always gotten bored of the man I was with. The fizz burned out, so to say. Although, it’s also true that I’ve never been in a relationship where it was mutual. Where both of us were working on the relationship. This thing between me and Boy, it’s different than anything I’ve ever experienced.
My heart feels very full at the moment. It gets fuller and fuller. I want to share it, my heart, my thoughts, my life, with this boy. I want to have with him what John and Jenny have in the movie.
I respect him a lot. This whole year he has been very sweet, offering his help in whichever way he could and anytime I told him to back off, he did and he understood and now I've told him to totally back off, he totally has, and he is still very respectful and giving me lots of space. I admire him. I pray for him often. I wish him all the best.
I don't know what God's plan is for me, for him. I don't know if I'll be interested once I am free to consider that possibility. I don't know if he will be interested. I don't know if once we can investigate this thing between us, if it will be something we want to pursue. And, come the end of the year, I don't know how to do this. I've been in relationships before, lots of them, but never one where I put God's Will first (well, except for my marriage...), or perhaps I should say, never one where I put God's Will first to this extent. The burning question which I want an answer to is how does he feel about me?
He is in my dreams often, almost every night, playing a supporting role now, not a principle actor. How does he feel about me? He must have considered it by now.
This year has been really good for me. I've re-found myself. I've realized that I love dancing, I love to read, I love to write about my thoughts and feelings, I love to talk to friends, play games, take my dog for walks, play with my kids, pray, get to know people. I don't like to cook daily, I need lots of time to myself, people like me, I've learned that I need support, not a lot but I do need some, I've learned to ask for help, to trust in God to be able to ask for help. I've learned that I can appreciate myself and love myself and that I am worthy of love and worth loving, I don't need anyone else to tell me that or to make me feel worthy. I've learned to take good care of myself and to draw boundaries to ensure that I am properly cared for, with my friends, my family, my soon-to-be ex, and my kids. My life is rich. I recognize the richness of my life now. Praise be to God for leading me to recognize the beauty and richness and abundance of my life. Praise be to God that my efforts in His path have been confirmed.
I know that the next few months will pass by quickly. I don't expect anything to majorly change come the end of the year.
I guess what I can work on now with myself is to be content with the decree of God for me, no matter what happens at the end of this year.
This year has certainly had some unexpected twists. Who would have thought that I would fall in love with someone else? And a great guy too? And that I'd stay away from it?
O God! Let me cease to discover any desire within me save what Thou didst desire.
This is a realistic portrayal of a marriage. This is the kind of marriage I would like to have.
This boy that I am in love with. He is a good man. Praised be God that I’ve fallen in love with a good man versus an immature, selfish, materialistic man, which is what I’ve always fallen for before. It shows that I’ve grown. Praise be to God that I’ve grown. And praise be to God that I’m staying steadfast and for giving me the strength to stay obedient to the Laws of the YOW even in the face of the temptation of such strong emotions and desires and natural impulses. Thanks be to Thee O my God! For Thou has awakened me and made me conscious, Thou has favoured me with a seeing eye and a hearing ear.
I keep thinking to the end of this year and wondering if I will still feel this way toward him. It’s obvious that it’s over between my husband and myself. In other relationships I have always gotten bored of the man I was with. The fizz burned out, so to say. Although, it’s also true that I’ve never been in a relationship where it was mutual. Where both of us were working on the relationship. This thing between me and Boy, it’s different than anything I’ve ever experienced.
My heart feels very full at the moment. It gets fuller and fuller. I want to share it, my heart, my thoughts, my life, with this boy. I want to have with him what John and Jenny have in the movie.
I respect him a lot. This whole year he has been very sweet, offering his help in whichever way he could and anytime I told him to back off, he did and he understood and now I've told him to totally back off, he totally has, and he is still very respectful and giving me lots of space. I admire him. I pray for him often. I wish him all the best.
I don't know what God's plan is for me, for him. I don't know if I'll be interested once I am free to consider that possibility. I don't know if he will be interested. I don't know if once we can investigate this thing between us, if it will be something we want to pursue. And, come the end of the year, I don't know how to do this. I've been in relationships before, lots of them, but never one where I put God's Will first (well, except for my marriage...), or perhaps I should say, never one where I put God's Will first to this extent. The burning question which I want an answer to is how does he feel about me?
He is in my dreams often, almost every night, playing a supporting role now, not a principle actor. How does he feel about me? He must have considered it by now.
This year has been really good for me. I've re-found myself. I've realized that I love dancing, I love to read, I love to write about my thoughts and feelings, I love to talk to friends, play games, take my dog for walks, play with my kids, pray, get to know people. I don't like to cook daily, I need lots of time to myself, people like me, I've learned that I need support, not a lot but I do need some, I've learned to ask for help, to trust in God to be able to ask for help. I've learned that I can appreciate myself and love myself and that I am worthy of love and worth loving, I don't need anyone else to tell me that or to make me feel worthy. I've learned to take good care of myself and to draw boundaries to ensure that I am properly cared for, with my friends, my family, my soon-to-be ex, and my kids. My life is rich. I recognize the richness of my life now. Praise be to God for leading me to recognize the beauty and richness and abundance of my life. Praise be to God that my efforts in His path have been confirmed.
O compassionate God! Thanks be to Thee for Thou hast awakened and made me conscious. Thou hast given me a seeing eye and favored me with a hearing ear, hast led me to Thy kingdom and guided me to Thy path. Thou hast shown me the right way and caused me to enter the ark of deliverance. O God! Keep me steadfast and make me firm and staunch. Protect me from violent tests, and preserve and shelter me in the strongly fortified fortress of Thy Covenant and Testament. Thou art the Powerful. Thou art the Seeing. Thou art the Hearing.
O Thou the the Compassionate God. Bestow upon me a heart which, like unto glass, may be illumined with the light of Thy love, and confer upon me thoughts which may change this world into a rose garden through the outpourings of heavenly grace.
Thou art the Compassionate, the Merciful. Thou art the Great Beneficent God.
- `Abdu'l-Bahá
I know that the next few months will pass by quickly. I don't expect anything to majorly change come the end of the year.
I guess what I can work on now with myself is to be content with the decree of God for me, no matter what happens at the end of this year.
This year has certainly had some unexpected twists. Who would have thought that I would fall in love with someone else? And a great guy too? And that I'd stay away from it?
O God! Let me cease to discover any desire within me save what Thou didst desire.
New thought
A dear soul enlightened me yesterday.
Powerlessness. How can something that is powerless feel tired? Do anything? God does it all.
This revolutionizes my view point. It's amazing. I am powerless, I testify to that daily, so what do I in fact do? How does service, tests, growth fit into this concept?
Powerlessness. How can something that is powerless feel tired? Do anything? God does it all.
This revolutionizes my view point. It's amazing. I am powerless, I testify to that daily, so what do I in fact do? How does service, tests, growth fit into this concept?
Breathe
My husband was always an ok boyfriend. We had a reasonably good boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. But we never had a marriage. And he was never a husband.
I love him still. I always will. I married him, of course I love him. I thought that love would be enough to keep our marriage alive, but in fact, it needed his love too. I don't think I will ever love someone the same way that I loved him. I loved him so passionately, I would have done anything for him, for the marriage. I love him so much that I will let him choose to destroy our marriage, to hurt our children, I can't stand in his way. I love him so much that I gave him up, that I gave up trying to control him. Of course, I still protect myself and make sure that my needs and growth are respected, so that he doesn't just take advantage of me - but I still love him.
I think he is foolish. I think he is making foolish choices. I think it's stupid to leave your wife, leave your marriage and fall into another relationship simply because it is convenient and available.
The dynamic he has created with his girlfriend and I is similar to the dynamic he created with me and his mother. He has me cast as the bad guy, he as the victim and her as his supporter. With his mother and I it was similar, she was the controlling bad guy, I was the supporter and my husband was the victim. This was right at the beginning when we got married and he was hospitalized with colitis for two months.
I feel relieved that this year is almost over. It was a very difficult year. And there was a lot of growth. I am thankful for it and by the grace of God I got through it, and I've learned and grown from it. I feel as if I am just starting to come back to myself, just starting to recover from the shock. It all still feels very fresh, very new. The world around me is just beginning to stop spinning.
I am happy that I did not get involved in another relationship, and that the non-relationship that I was involved in, I cut off. I feel relived to be single, I feel relived to be independent. I don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship again. You have to give too much up. For the first time, in many years, I feel as if I can breathe.
And I am still scared. I am scared for my children, for the custody, financially, career-wise. It all looks daunting, I don't know how to do it. May God guide me, may God protect me. Me and my children.
Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
I love him still. I always will. I married him, of course I love him. I thought that love would be enough to keep our marriage alive, but in fact, it needed his love too. I don't think I will ever love someone the same way that I loved him. I loved him so passionately, I would have done anything for him, for the marriage. I love him so much that I will let him choose to destroy our marriage, to hurt our children, I can't stand in his way. I love him so much that I gave him up, that I gave up trying to control him. Of course, I still protect myself and make sure that my needs and growth are respected, so that he doesn't just take advantage of me - but I still love him.
I think he is foolish. I think he is making foolish choices. I think it's stupid to leave your wife, leave your marriage and fall into another relationship simply because it is convenient and available.
The dynamic he has created with his girlfriend and I is similar to the dynamic he created with me and his mother. He has me cast as the bad guy, he as the victim and her as his supporter. With his mother and I it was similar, she was the controlling bad guy, I was the supporter and my husband was the victim. This was right at the beginning when we got married and he was hospitalized with colitis for two months.
I feel relieved that this year is almost over. It was a very difficult year. And there was a lot of growth. I am thankful for it and by the grace of God I got through it, and I've learned and grown from it. I feel as if I am just starting to come back to myself, just starting to recover from the shock. It all still feels very fresh, very new. The world around me is just beginning to stop spinning.
I am happy that I did not get involved in another relationship, and that the non-relationship that I was involved in, I cut off. I feel relived to be single, I feel relived to be independent. I don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship again. You have to give too much up. For the first time, in many years, I feel as if I can breathe.
And I am still scared. I am scared for my children, for the custody, financially, career-wise. It all looks daunting, I don't know how to do it. May God guide me, may God protect me. Me and my children.
Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
Battle
I feel like it's over. I feel single. I don't feel married anymore. And I also don't feel like being in a relationship anymore. It's like these last 8 months purged me of that need to be in a relationship. I find relationships kind of annoying now, like they'd get in the way. I'm still waiting for a response for the UHJ. Even i I got a reply saying that the YOW is lifted, I don't think I'd do anything differently. I don't think about Boy much anymore. It feels good to stand on my own.
There's going to be a huge custody battle in court. May God grant that the outcome be best for all concerned.
There's going to be a huge custody battle in court. May God grant that the outcome be best for all concerned.
Choices
I realized today that my husband hates me. This hatred has been building over the years we were married. He never really loved me, I am not sure he is capable of selflessly loving someone. I think he wanted to subjugate me to his will. And he could never quite manage to do that. Or perhaps, he was simply not capable of loving me? Anyway, the way he deals with me now and the way he dealt with me eight months ago when he left, these speak to him hating me.
I still wonder what is my commitment to this YOW? It’s obvious, and has been for quite some time now, that this relationship is not going to survive, that we are going to be getting a divorce. Am I supposed to still just wait? Or, by virtue of him being in a new committed relationship, is my commitment to him dissolved? In my heart, I feel like it is. I will always love him. I adore him. He has such wonderful potential. He is so determined, steadfast, detached, intelligent, a great orator, a natural leader - these are all the qualities which attracted me to him, on top of him being a total hunk. All of these qualities would have been such a bounty to serve alongside, if he had wanted to direct himself to serve God. It’s a loss that he is choosing instead to serve himself and his own ego.
So in four more months I will be divorced. I am looking forward to it. Am I supposed to not be? Is there something more I should be doing to save this marriage? In my heart, this relationship is already over, and has been for a long time. I am ready to simply let it go. Let it rest. Move on.
He's doing awful things still my husband. He is stealing the children from daycare if he wants to see them and I haven't agreed to him seeing them that day, and he simply keeps them until he wants to return them to me. The first time he did this, I felt myself fall apart, it was only Grace that held my body, mind and heart together. It felt like such a deep betrayal, even coming from my husband, who has betrayed me again and again and again. And most likely will continue to do so as long as there is a method for him to do it available.
Will I be married again? I am not sure. I like where I am at now. I like the relationship I have with my girls now. We are so close, and we are finding our way together. A man would alter this dynamic, would take me away from myself, away from my girls. At the same time, a man could add stability to our lives. A good man, with a good job, who loved me, could support me emotionally, could stabilize me financially. But at what cost? What would I have to give up in order to obtain that?
Currently, I feel stressed over the custody and access of the girls. I try to be compromising, but my husband is one who if he does not get what he wants through negotiations, will simply take it by force. It's a anxious place to be for me, I am very attached to clarity. I like knowing what's going to happen, I don't like instability and insecurity. Once there is a custody arrangement in place I will feel more relaxed, even a temporary one. External binds are the only thing my husband holds himself accountable to.
This is good learning for me, I am learning how to not worry over what is not in my control and be more disciplined with managing what is in my control, and learning to be joyful throughout.
I still wonder what is my commitment to this YOW? It’s obvious, and has been for quite some time now, that this relationship is not going to survive, that we are going to be getting a divorce. Am I supposed to still just wait? Or, by virtue of him being in a new committed relationship, is my commitment to him dissolved? In my heart, I feel like it is. I will always love him. I adore him. He has such wonderful potential. He is so determined, steadfast, detached, intelligent, a great orator, a natural leader - these are all the qualities which attracted me to him, on top of him being a total hunk. All of these qualities would have been such a bounty to serve alongside, if he had wanted to direct himself to serve God. It’s a loss that he is choosing instead to serve himself and his own ego.
So in four more months I will be divorced. I am looking forward to it. Am I supposed to not be? Is there something more I should be doing to save this marriage? In my heart, this relationship is already over, and has been for a long time. I am ready to simply let it go. Let it rest. Move on.
He's doing awful things still my husband. He is stealing the children from daycare if he wants to see them and I haven't agreed to him seeing them that day, and he simply keeps them until he wants to return them to me. The first time he did this, I felt myself fall apart, it was only Grace that held my body, mind and heart together. It felt like such a deep betrayal, even coming from my husband, who has betrayed me again and again and again. And most likely will continue to do so as long as there is a method for him to do it available.
Will I be married again? I am not sure. I like where I am at now. I like the relationship I have with my girls now. We are so close, and we are finding our way together. A man would alter this dynamic, would take me away from myself, away from my girls. At the same time, a man could add stability to our lives. A good man, with a good job, who loved me, could support me emotionally, could stabilize me financially. But at what cost? What would I have to give up in order to obtain that?
Currently, I feel stressed over the custody and access of the girls. I try to be compromising, but my husband is one who if he does not get what he wants through negotiations, will simply take it by force. It's a anxious place to be for me, I am very attached to clarity. I like knowing what's going to happen, I don't like instability and insecurity. Once there is a custody arrangement in place I will feel more relaxed, even a temporary one. External binds are the only thing my husband holds himself accountable to.
This is good learning for me, I am learning how to not worry over what is not in my control and be more disciplined with managing what is in my control, and learning to be joyful throughout.
Word and deed
I learned about commitment through my childhood, watching my parent's marriage. I watched them screw up, each of them, and in the end, walk away from the marriage. I learned how important it is to be committed. I knew I was committed when I married my husband, I had learned that lesson already. I assumed, he was committed too, I didn't realize how committed I was, nor did I assume someone else might not be. The lesson, looking back on my marriage now, that I learned, during the five years we were living together was free will and God's will. I can't make someone else do something, I thought that I could. I thought I could make my husband want to be a partner to me, the kind of partner I needed/ wanted / deserved. In the end he left, free will, but also, God's will.
I saw Boy today, twice, at two different community events. It's getting easier to see him. It is becoming more of a business relationship. I feel so relieved that this is not that big of a deal to me anymore. That I can concentrate on my own life, without him being central to my thoughts and existence. I can concentrate on my kids, my self, my home, service, career, friends, my needs. It feels very refreshing.
I took my wedding ring off yesterday. I am still faithful to my vows, but I am also happy to not be in a relationship. I am enjoying not having to work on a relationship, just allowing myself to be. It is also very refreshing. Even if the YOW were to now be lifted, I would not want to be in a relationship. I would still not date and just concentrate on my own life. As I said, I don't even have room in my life for a relationship. And with Boy, I would still keep things business-like. I am happy with the boundaries around me now.
I adore hearing love stories. Some friends came over tonight, and we shared heart-break stories, it was moving and romantic. These Baha'i relationships remind me of 18th century novels. There are all these passionate emotions, which are unexpressed and in the background, as life goes on regardless of them. Not like modern society, where, generally, people are slaves to their passions and act by their dictates. These Baha'i relationships allow much more emotional exploration and keep relationships safe as there are rules of engagement, so to speak, so hearts don't get as broken. If there'd be physical intimacy, then, hearts don't heal. That one act, is an act of commitment, we can argue it in society and try to prove how it's not and how it's just about pleasure and there's no meaning attached to it, but it's all moot. We're going against our spiritual nature if we insist on that point. Once there has been physical intimacy shared between two consenting adults, that deed indicates commitment. So if there hasn't been words to indicate the level of commitment expressed through sex, then there is an incongruency between word and deed. And hearts get broken. Words must match deeds. And the only words which match that deed are marriage vows before God, that's why sex is so sacred.
And then there is the attraction, emotional chemistry side of things. We have such strong natural drives to mate that there have to be strict morals governing us, if we are to create a peaceful, caring, loving, stable world. Take me and Boy for instance, he'd come over, he'd call me, he'd chat with me late at night, he'd linger over meals, he'd share emotionally deep concerns with me, why would he do that if he weren't attracted to me, would he do all of the above to a male friend or an unattractive female friend (unattractive in any way, I don't just mean the skin deep kind). Obviously not. The fact, however, is that we can be quite unaware and naive about our motivations.
By creating this boundary with him, I've made our relationship very safe. It's clear on both sides that we are not going to pretend that we are friends when really there is strong attraction there. Now, it's out in the open and it can be tossed aside (lightly). Of course, in my opinion, he is unaware of how he feels, which is so very often, the case with men.
And in the end, it doesn't matter. I have my life. I am happy and content and stable. I want to just concentrate on the very real challenges I have in my life currently, I don't need anymore, and I want to just be a Baha'i, serve the Faith, be a mother and live my life. What ends up happening, or what he chooses to do with all of this is of no concern to me. I only want to serve God, and be attracted to God, and be dependent on none other than God. All this fascination modern-society has with romantic love is misguided idle-fancies, for the most part.
Thank you Baha'u'llah for confirming my efforts during this test. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
I saw Boy today, twice, at two different community events. It's getting easier to see him. It is becoming more of a business relationship. I feel so relieved that this is not that big of a deal to me anymore. That I can concentrate on my own life, without him being central to my thoughts and existence. I can concentrate on my kids, my self, my home, service, career, friends, my needs. It feels very refreshing.
I took my wedding ring off yesterday. I am still faithful to my vows, but I am also happy to not be in a relationship. I am enjoying not having to work on a relationship, just allowing myself to be. It is also very refreshing. Even if the YOW were to now be lifted, I would not want to be in a relationship. I would still not date and just concentrate on my own life. As I said, I don't even have room in my life for a relationship. And with Boy, I would still keep things business-like. I am happy with the boundaries around me now.
I adore hearing love stories. Some friends came over tonight, and we shared heart-break stories, it was moving and romantic. These Baha'i relationships remind me of 18th century novels. There are all these passionate emotions, which are unexpressed and in the background, as life goes on regardless of them. Not like modern society, where, generally, people are slaves to their passions and act by their dictates. These Baha'i relationships allow much more emotional exploration and keep relationships safe as there are rules of engagement, so to speak, so hearts don't get as broken. If there'd be physical intimacy, then, hearts don't heal. That one act, is an act of commitment, we can argue it in society and try to prove how it's not and how it's just about pleasure and there's no meaning attached to it, but it's all moot. We're going against our spiritual nature if we insist on that point. Once there has been physical intimacy shared between two consenting adults, that deed indicates commitment. So if there hasn't been words to indicate the level of commitment expressed through sex, then there is an incongruency between word and deed. And hearts get broken. Words must match deeds. And the only words which match that deed are marriage vows before God, that's why sex is so sacred.
And then there is the attraction, emotional chemistry side of things. We have such strong natural drives to mate that there have to be strict morals governing us, if we are to create a peaceful, caring, loving, stable world. Take me and Boy for instance, he'd come over, he'd call me, he'd chat with me late at night, he'd linger over meals, he'd share emotionally deep concerns with me, why would he do that if he weren't attracted to me, would he do all of the above to a male friend or an unattractive female friend (unattractive in any way, I don't just mean the skin deep kind). Obviously not. The fact, however, is that we can be quite unaware and naive about our motivations.
By creating this boundary with him, I've made our relationship very safe. It's clear on both sides that we are not going to pretend that we are friends when really there is strong attraction there. Now, it's out in the open and it can be tossed aside (lightly). Of course, in my opinion, he is unaware of how he feels, which is so very often, the case with men.
And in the end, it doesn't matter. I have my life. I am happy and content and stable. I want to just concentrate on the very real challenges I have in my life currently, I don't need anymore, and I want to just be a Baha'i, serve the Faith, be a mother and live my life. What ends up happening, or what he chooses to do with all of this is of no concern to me. I only want to serve God, and be attracted to God, and be dependent on none other than God. All this fascination modern-society has with romantic love is misguided idle-fancies, for the most part.
Thank you Baha'u'llah for confirming my efforts during this test. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
Spiritual Battles
In a way this YOW is like a Fast. It's a relationship Fast for me, perhaps for others it is different. I am really deepening on what it means to be married. It has offered tremendous growth for me thus far. During the Fast we go for 12 hours without food or water, it is meant to purify us and quicken our spirits. This YOW is much the same, one year to not be in a relationship is not that long when you look at it from your whole life, and yet, it is very difficult and goes against strong natural drives, however, if respected and followed, can purify and strengthen our spirits.
I am really starting to like this YOW and enjoying not being in a relationship, just being able to concentrate on myself and my own growth. I am not even sure that if the UHJ were to write me saying that I am not obligated to follow the YOW anymore due to my husband's other relationship that I would even want to be in another relationship. I was thinking about my life today, I am so busy! With my kids, my work, taking care of the house, myself, playing and writing music, praying, needs of the Cause - I don't have time for a relationship anyway! This doesn't change the fact that I still adore Boy. But it's totally on the back burner. Since I broke it off with him officially, it's made it easier for me not to escape into those fantasies too.
I had an older man hit on me today. It's friend of my dad's and we've known each other for years. He is like 20 years older than me and has recently broken up with his second wife of 1 year or less. Anyway, he asked me out on a "date" - it was a date masquerading as a picnic, but it was totally a date. I called him on it and suggested hanging out to play music or read spiritual quotes or something. It was such a strange feeling for me. He totally denied there being any such intention, and scampered off the phone rather quickly afterwards, mumbling something about seeing me around. It was weird. Why wouldn't he be straight up and say, this is how I'm feeling, are you into it? The whole thing seems so underhanded and manipulative to me. Yuk. I am happy with how I established the boundary, I said, "I dunno, it sounds like kind of a date to me" and then I suggested areas where our friendship can grow. This is something I never really learned or felt like I had the level of skill I desired in, how to turn men down with respect and courtesy, but also assertively and encourage the relationship I want. So all in all, this is a success. My therapist tells me to really hold on to my successes and to allow myself to notice them. I tend to only pay attention to the things that I don't do well enough, rather than paying attention to what I do do well.
My whole life I have been generally without guidance, My mother didn't offer me much guidance growing up, being more concerned with her own stress, emotions and career. My father is unaware of emotional needs. I feel kind of sad for myself that I sort of grew up without a mother. I therefore, tend to overcompensate with my children. However, the reality is that I am a very caring and nurturing mother to them. The area where I really need to grow with my children is to develop boundaries where I am taking care of myself while I am with them too. And to feel confident in setting those boundaries. My therapist would say that I am already doing it. I think I am, for instance, I'll tell them not to bother me if I am in the middle of something, or on the phone, or if I want to rest, or read. I do do it. I guess I should pay more attention to when I do it and when it works and when I'd like to do it more effectively.
I went for coffee today with another friend of my Dad's. He also recently broke up with his wife. She was cheating on him and he kicked her out, they went to see a therapist for a few months. He threw in the towel after three months. Then he tells me today over coffee, that he has nothing to learn from this, that it's not his fault at all. How arrogant ! I couldn't believe it. I explained to him that we always have something to learn, I explained that 3 months is not long enough, I suggested he stay committed for one year and try to work on whatever he can in his marriage, that marriage is worth it and that his kids are worth it. I gave him good advice, grounded firmly in the Baha'i Faith. He didn't really feel like listening.
It too bad that people let their egos control them. The fact is that these Writings we have are going to be relevant for the next 850 years at least. The people will still be "wandering in the paths of delusion" and "the drunkenness of passion" will still have "perverted most of mankind" 500 years from now. But, it will looks vastly different. Mankind has been created to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization. We are Baha'is. We are on the very apex of that advancement. The spiritual battles we are fighting are going to be the spiritual battles that all of humanity will have to eventually fight. The faster we learn and grow, the better we will be able to guide and teach those that are following us. That is why prayers like the Fire Tablet are so potent, "when the swords flash go forward, when the shafts fly press onward". This prepares us to embrace tests and difficulty and learn from them, going forward with courage and faith. Another prayer says "heros are they, lead them to the field of battle", as Baha'is we are longing to go forward into spiritual battles so that we can teach our fellow citizens what we have learned. Just as it says, "the true lover yearneth for tribulation."
Some tests that I am having recently, are with my three year old, who is being very determined and challenging in her demands, with my father, who has an opinion on my parenting, and refuses to be detached from it, with male attention and drawing firm boundaries with kindness and love, with juggling the demands of home, kids, self, faith, work, finances, fun, friends, prayer, self-expression. There are a lot of areas I can grow in right now.
I actually prayed the other day for some different tests other than the Boy. And I got them. Boy is less and less on my mind and less and less of a preoccupation. Thank you Baha'u'llah for confirming my efforts and for granting me detachment and allowing me to move away from that test, and for leading me safely through it. It was intensely challenging.
There is no reason ever in the Writings for there to even be a YOW started. Aversion, resentment, estrangement, these are all qualities of this world, not of the spiritual world, for we know that the spiritual world bestows only joy, therefore, if partners are feeling these qualities then in theory they can pray, act, reflect on it until they come to contentment. And even if a YOW is started there is no reason for it to ever end in a divorce, if both sides are committed to the Faith. Divorce is against the good-pleasure of God, so how can it be the Will of God? We are allowed to divorce, Baha'u'llah has permitted it. However, we must look at this from the point of view of where we are as humans. We are entering the stage of maturity. Baha'u'llah has granted us the ability to choose our spiritual destiny. We must want to create a spiritual world, it would be simple for God to declare what everyone should do, the bounty and grace of God lies in the fact that He has given us the choice to choose Him. Divorce or marriage is but one example of this choice. And we as a society must mature to the point where we see the value in marriage in in commitment to the marriage vows. Baha'is who stay steadfast to the Laws are that much more ahead of the game. I, for example, may not understand or realize why I am following a YOW, or what benefit will come to me from doing so. But I am stubbornly convinced and determined to carry it through, due to my devotion to the Faith. Perhaps only once the year passes will I be able to see what is so important about this Law. And many Laws are like that for us. We are blessed to have recognized Baha'u'llah and to know what Laws we are to follow in this Age. They protect us from the spiritual battles that the rest of humanity will have to fight on their own. We are therefore able to fight subtler battles and thus explore new spiritual lands.
I am really starting to like this YOW and enjoying not being in a relationship, just being able to concentrate on myself and my own growth. I am not even sure that if the UHJ were to write me saying that I am not obligated to follow the YOW anymore due to my husband's other relationship that I would even want to be in another relationship. I was thinking about my life today, I am so busy! With my kids, my work, taking care of the house, myself, playing and writing music, praying, needs of the Cause - I don't have time for a relationship anyway! This doesn't change the fact that I still adore Boy. But it's totally on the back burner. Since I broke it off with him officially, it's made it easier for me not to escape into those fantasies too.
I had an older man hit on me today. It's friend of my dad's and we've known each other for years. He is like 20 years older than me and has recently broken up with his second wife of 1 year or less. Anyway, he asked me out on a "date" - it was a date masquerading as a picnic, but it was totally a date. I called him on it and suggested hanging out to play music or read spiritual quotes or something. It was such a strange feeling for me. He totally denied there being any such intention, and scampered off the phone rather quickly afterwards, mumbling something about seeing me around. It was weird. Why wouldn't he be straight up and say, this is how I'm feeling, are you into it? The whole thing seems so underhanded and manipulative to me. Yuk. I am happy with how I established the boundary, I said, "I dunno, it sounds like kind of a date to me" and then I suggested areas where our friendship can grow. This is something I never really learned or felt like I had the level of skill I desired in, how to turn men down with respect and courtesy, but also assertively and encourage the relationship I want. So all in all, this is a success. My therapist tells me to really hold on to my successes and to allow myself to notice them. I tend to only pay attention to the things that I don't do well enough, rather than paying attention to what I do do well.
My whole life I have been generally without guidance, My mother didn't offer me much guidance growing up, being more concerned with her own stress, emotions and career. My father is unaware of emotional needs. I feel kind of sad for myself that I sort of grew up without a mother. I therefore, tend to overcompensate with my children. However, the reality is that I am a very caring and nurturing mother to them. The area where I really need to grow with my children is to develop boundaries where I am taking care of myself while I am with them too. And to feel confident in setting those boundaries. My therapist would say that I am already doing it. I think I am, for instance, I'll tell them not to bother me if I am in the middle of something, or on the phone, or if I want to rest, or read. I do do it. I guess I should pay more attention to when I do it and when it works and when I'd like to do it more effectively.
I went for coffee today with another friend of my Dad's. He also recently broke up with his wife. She was cheating on him and he kicked her out, they went to see a therapist for a few months. He threw in the towel after three months. Then he tells me today over coffee, that he has nothing to learn from this, that it's not his fault at all. How arrogant ! I couldn't believe it. I explained to him that we always have something to learn, I explained that 3 months is not long enough, I suggested he stay committed for one year and try to work on whatever he can in his marriage, that marriage is worth it and that his kids are worth it. I gave him good advice, grounded firmly in the Baha'i Faith. He didn't really feel like listening.
It too bad that people let their egos control them. The fact is that these Writings we have are going to be relevant for the next 850 years at least. The people will still be "wandering in the paths of delusion" and "the drunkenness of passion" will still have "perverted most of mankind" 500 years from now. But, it will looks vastly different. Mankind has been created to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization. We are Baha'is. We are on the very apex of that advancement. The spiritual battles we are fighting are going to be the spiritual battles that all of humanity will have to eventually fight. The faster we learn and grow, the better we will be able to guide and teach those that are following us. That is why prayers like the Fire Tablet are so potent, "when the swords flash go forward, when the shafts fly press onward". This prepares us to embrace tests and difficulty and learn from them, going forward with courage and faith. Another prayer says "heros are they, lead them to the field of battle", as Baha'is we are longing to go forward into spiritual battles so that we can teach our fellow citizens what we have learned. Just as it says, "the true lover yearneth for tribulation."
Some tests that I am having recently, are with my three year old, who is being very determined and challenging in her demands, with my father, who has an opinion on my parenting, and refuses to be detached from it, with male attention and drawing firm boundaries with kindness and love, with juggling the demands of home, kids, self, faith, work, finances, fun, friends, prayer, self-expression. There are a lot of areas I can grow in right now.
I actually prayed the other day for some different tests other than the Boy. And I got them. Boy is less and less on my mind and less and less of a preoccupation. Thank you Baha'u'llah for confirming my efforts and for granting me detachment and allowing me to move away from that test, and for leading me safely through it. It was intensely challenging.
There is no reason ever in the Writings for there to even be a YOW started. Aversion, resentment, estrangement, these are all qualities of this world, not of the spiritual world, for we know that the spiritual world bestows only joy, therefore, if partners are feeling these qualities then in theory they can pray, act, reflect on it until they come to contentment. And even if a YOW is started there is no reason for it to ever end in a divorce, if both sides are committed to the Faith. Divorce is against the good-pleasure of God, so how can it be the Will of God? We are allowed to divorce, Baha'u'llah has permitted it. However, we must look at this from the point of view of where we are as humans. We are entering the stage of maturity. Baha'u'llah has granted us the ability to choose our spiritual destiny. We must want to create a spiritual world, it would be simple for God to declare what everyone should do, the bounty and grace of God lies in the fact that He has given us the choice to choose Him. Divorce or marriage is but one example of this choice. And we as a society must mature to the point where we see the value in marriage in in commitment to the marriage vows. Baha'is who stay steadfast to the Laws are that much more ahead of the game. I, for example, may not understand or realize why I am following a YOW, or what benefit will come to me from doing so. But I am stubbornly convinced and determined to carry it through, due to my devotion to the Faith. Perhaps only once the year passes will I be able to see what is so important about this Law. And many Laws are like that for us. We are blessed to have recognized Baha'u'llah and to know what Laws we are to follow in this Age. They protect us from the spiritual battles that the rest of humanity will have to fight on their own. We are therefore able to fight subtler battles and thus explore new spiritual lands.
Happy
I feel so good. I had no idea I could feel this good in my life. I hung out with a buddy of mine for hours and played guitar and sang. We worked on two songs I wrote. (Yes, I have written about 4 more songs in the last couple of days since that first one!). It was an awesome afternoon. Then, we went to some friends' place for a Ruhi refresher, and I stayed and hung with them afterwards. It was brilliant. I feel so happy. I feel loved, I feel relaxed, I feel in a good space in my life. I am thrilled to be playing guitar. I don't know how I loved my life without playing the guitar until now !
I feel like a good mother too. I am committed to the marriage, should my husband choose to come back. Marriage is worth it. You sometimes have to love the creatures for the sake of God. It's funny, the dynamic with my hubby has changed for me. He pulled a power game with the kids over the weekend, held them hostage until I emailed him, whatever. It will all get sorted out in court. That type of thing would have bothered me in the past, that anger against injustice. Now, I have tools for enforcing justice. And I realize that I can't change him, or enforce it myself. It will get sorted out through the courts. But the funny part is that I see him very lightly, playfully, and I see him as a worthy opponent to spar with in the arena of communication, justice etc. That dynamic between us has always been there, I guess I bring that, I am playful, I enjoy a match. And he is certainly stubborn, so a good match, very determined. Should be fun. Now that I have some space, detachment and now that there is Justice in our relationship. Back about a month before he left, I was really praying about manifesting Justice in our marriage - and now, he moved out, we have a very Just relationship. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
So far, this year is the best of my life. When this year started I had no idea how I was going to get through it. All I knew was that I had faith in Baha'u'llah and that somehow that would get me through it. Now that it's almost over and I feel like I've come through the worst part of it, I se how incredible this journey has been for me and I am so thankful for it.
If I were to tell myself what to do to get through this YOW, the answer would be, pray, be kind to yourself, stay steadfast to the marriage and the Laws, do things which bring you joy ! And I know that this year will just get better, and that life will get better and better, it has been getting better and better ever since I became a Baha'i. I am excited to see what will come next.
I remember back to the fall and winter, my total dread for this year, I was terrified, I had no idea how I would do this. Scared stiff comes to mind. I've learned to trust my friends, I've learned that I am worthwhile, I've learned that people love me, I've learned to receive love, I've learned to forgive myself and others, I've learned to be tolerant of myself and others, I've learned to be more loving, I've learned about boundaries, justice, communication, responsibility. It's been fantastic. I had so many doubts at the beginning of this year. I had no idea if I could do this. There's some quote about God knowing the fitness of a soul before it's tested and if it weren't for the test the soul would not recognize it's fitness or unfitness.
The biggest test for me was letting go of Boy. That was the last thing I was clinging to, which was preventing me from really submitting to the Will of God. It reminds me of the dream I had at the beginning of the YOW about the icebergs. (Did I ever write that here? I'll make sure to write it if I haven't, but not now.) It's about really letting go and trusting in God. Once I did that, powerful emotions came, I had no idea if I'd be able to handle it, I felt as if I was losing my relationship all over again, shows you how strongly I was clinging to that last veil before God. And the emotions came, and I was ok. I wrote, I played, I got support from friends, I prayed. I found the strength and ability to within me. It was a beautiful learning. Towards the beginning of this year, a counsellor asked me how I could fall in love with myself. Well, I think that by cutting it off with Boy, and effectively managing my emotions, I just did !
I will post some lyrics here.
UNKNOWN ROAD
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
This path You're askin' me to tread
I don't know how, I'm filled with dread.
Hold my hand, I beg Thee Lord,
As I go down this unknown road.
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
Were it not for Your loving light
I'd be among the lost in an awful plight
I'd walk through anything for You
I am Your lover pure and true
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
Your grace impermeates my past
My faith in You grows stronger fast
I pray, act, reflect and I know You're there
Leading me through all my worldly cares
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
BETRAYAL (still very rough)
This action you've taken
It's left my heart breakin'
It's torn my family apart
And I tell you dear, it's totally un-smart
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
You've ripped apart my family
What you've done to my children and me
How can I forgive you, you see
You bastard, it's all so elementary
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
All you needed to do is commit
And work on being happy a bit
I'm angry at you, for being so untrue
Mostly it's unjust to our babies two
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
I loved you dearly,
You broke my heart nearly
And I'd still take you back
Marriage is worth it, our kids are worth it,
Even though I feel like tellin' you to, hit the road, Jack
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
I feel like a good mother too. I am committed to the marriage, should my husband choose to come back. Marriage is worth it. You sometimes have to love the creatures for the sake of God. It's funny, the dynamic with my hubby has changed for me. He pulled a power game with the kids over the weekend, held them hostage until I emailed him, whatever. It will all get sorted out in court. That type of thing would have bothered me in the past, that anger against injustice. Now, I have tools for enforcing justice. And I realize that I can't change him, or enforce it myself. It will get sorted out through the courts. But the funny part is that I see him very lightly, playfully, and I see him as a worthy opponent to spar with in the arena of communication, justice etc. That dynamic between us has always been there, I guess I bring that, I am playful, I enjoy a match. And he is certainly stubborn, so a good match, very determined. Should be fun. Now that I have some space, detachment and now that there is Justice in our relationship. Back about a month before he left, I was really praying about manifesting Justice in our marriage - and now, he moved out, we have a very Just relationship. Ya Baha'u'llah-Abha !
So far, this year is the best of my life. When this year started I had no idea how I was going to get through it. All I knew was that I had faith in Baha'u'llah and that somehow that would get me through it. Now that it's almost over and I feel like I've come through the worst part of it, I se how incredible this journey has been for me and I am so thankful for it.
If I were to tell myself what to do to get through this YOW, the answer would be, pray, be kind to yourself, stay steadfast to the marriage and the Laws, do things which bring you joy ! And I know that this year will just get better, and that life will get better and better, it has been getting better and better ever since I became a Baha'i. I am excited to see what will come next.
I remember back to the fall and winter, my total dread for this year, I was terrified, I had no idea how I would do this. Scared stiff comes to mind. I've learned to trust my friends, I've learned that I am worthwhile, I've learned that people love me, I've learned to receive love, I've learned to forgive myself and others, I've learned to be tolerant of myself and others, I've learned to be more loving, I've learned about boundaries, justice, communication, responsibility. It's been fantastic. I had so many doubts at the beginning of this year. I had no idea if I could do this. There's some quote about God knowing the fitness of a soul before it's tested and if it weren't for the test the soul would not recognize it's fitness or unfitness.
The biggest test for me was letting go of Boy. That was the last thing I was clinging to, which was preventing me from really submitting to the Will of God. It reminds me of the dream I had at the beginning of the YOW about the icebergs. (Did I ever write that here? I'll make sure to write it if I haven't, but not now.) It's about really letting go and trusting in God. Once I did that, powerful emotions came, I had no idea if I'd be able to handle it, I felt as if I was losing my relationship all over again, shows you how strongly I was clinging to that last veil before God. And the emotions came, and I was ok. I wrote, I played, I got support from friends, I prayed. I found the strength and ability to within me. It was a beautiful learning. Towards the beginning of this year, a counsellor asked me how I could fall in love with myself. Well, I think that by cutting it off with Boy, and effectively managing my emotions, I just did !
I will post some lyrics here.
UNKNOWN ROAD
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
This path You're askin' me to tread
I don't know how, I'm filled with dread.
Hold my hand, I beg Thee Lord,
As I go down this unknown road.
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
Were it not for Your loving light
I'd be among the lost in an awful plight
I'd walk through anything for You
I am Your lover pure and true
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
Your grace impermeates my past
My faith in You grows stronger fast
I pray, act, reflect and I know You're there
Leading me through all my worldly cares
O Lord my Beloved
I need Your help.
BETRAYAL (still very rough)
This action you've taken
It's left my heart breakin'
It's torn my family apart
And I tell you dear, it's totally un-smart
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
You've ripped apart my family
What you've done to my children and me
How can I forgive you, you see
You bastard, it's all so elementary
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
All you needed to do is commit
And work on being happy a bit
I'm angry at you, for being so untrue
Mostly it's unjust to our babies two
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
I loved you dearly,
You broke my heart nearly
And I'd still take you back
Marriage is worth it, our kids are worth it,
Even though I feel like tellin' you to, hit the road, Jack
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Oh you're a fool
This is so not cool
Singing
I prayed for 2.5 hours today with a group of two other girl-friends. It was the most beautiful devotional gathering I've ever been to. It felt like adoration, worship, loving, we said all the long Tablets, interspersed with shorter prayers and songs. It felt like an embrace, it felt like making love to the Beloved. There was a build, a peak, and a tapering off. Like the caresses and kisses lovers give each other in the after-math of being intimate. It was so beautiful.
After I felt satiated, and also I felt lost and grieving and sad. I felt like I didn't know how to do this, I felt like it was fresh again, my husband having left, not having a relationship, being alone.
I have never worked so intensely on a relationship as I have in this YOW. When it's over, I don't even know if I will want to be in a relationship again. And from anyone's point of view on the outside, I am not in one now, my husband has left, moved in with another woman, he has no wish to work on this marriage at all. I, however, am committed to following the laws, being obedient and still working on what I can work on, which is myself and my patterns, emotions, tests etc. My effort and energy that I am putting into this marriage has not diminished, it has but increased. Except the venue has changed, there is no partner to try to reach, to try to work with, the venue is now my own self. Looking at myself and honestly seeing where I can grow, where I can develop. This is hard work. And also, very rewarding. I only hope that if I marry again that in a future marriage, I will be able to apply the skills I have learned in self-evaluating, and self-growth to a new union.
I was a good marriage partner before. Now I am going to be an even better one. I hope Baha'u'llah will help me find a suitable partner once this year is up.
I felt so sad, and then I felt moved to write. And I wrote and I wrote, three pages of rough song lyrics. And then I felt better ! And then later on I wrote that song from one of the lyrics sheets. I decided that I will take guitar lessons and learn to play the guitar so that I can sing more. A buddy of mine and I are going to get together an jam some. I'm really looking forward to that. I love music, I love singing, it always brings me up.
It's so important for me to have ways to channel my powerful emotional energy, rather than into a relationship. Relationships aren't meant to sustain that intensity of emotion. I need to find ways to manage my emotions and creativity myself. To let the relationship exist in a lighter fashion.
Boy is still somehow a part of all of this. He's not involved in anyway, but he's representative of someone who I am working through a lot of my growth with. I'm not thinking about him anymore the way I was, in an idle fancy sort of way. No, now, he's someone that I have an attraction toward, I like a lot and that I've put on hold while I figure out my stuff. I am thankful toward him for being understanding and giving me space. I have a special place in my heart for him. And in four more months I will be able to investigate what his role in my life is. Right now I need to concentrate on me. And push that attraction and those thoughts away.
After I felt satiated, and also I felt lost and grieving and sad. I felt like I didn't know how to do this, I felt like it was fresh again, my husband having left, not having a relationship, being alone.
I have never worked so intensely on a relationship as I have in this YOW. When it's over, I don't even know if I will want to be in a relationship again. And from anyone's point of view on the outside, I am not in one now, my husband has left, moved in with another woman, he has no wish to work on this marriage at all. I, however, am committed to following the laws, being obedient and still working on what I can work on, which is myself and my patterns, emotions, tests etc. My effort and energy that I am putting into this marriage has not diminished, it has but increased. Except the venue has changed, there is no partner to try to reach, to try to work with, the venue is now my own self. Looking at myself and honestly seeing where I can grow, where I can develop. This is hard work. And also, very rewarding. I only hope that if I marry again that in a future marriage, I will be able to apply the skills I have learned in self-evaluating, and self-growth to a new union.
I was a good marriage partner before. Now I am going to be an even better one. I hope Baha'u'llah will help me find a suitable partner once this year is up.
I felt so sad, and then I felt moved to write. And I wrote and I wrote, three pages of rough song lyrics. And then I felt better ! And then later on I wrote that song from one of the lyrics sheets. I decided that I will take guitar lessons and learn to play the guitar so that I can sing more. A buddy of mine and I are going to get together an jam some. I'm really looking forward to that. I love music, I love singing, it always brings me up.
It's so important for me to have ways to channel my powerful emotional energy, rather than into a relationship. Relationships aren't meant to sustain that intensity of emotion. I need to find ways to manage my emotions and creativity myself. To let the relationship exist in a lighter fashion.
Boy is still somehow a part of all of this. He's not involved in anyway, but he's representative of someone who I am working through a lot of my growth with. I'm not thinking about him anymore the way I was, in an idle fancy sort of way. No, now, he's someone that I have an attraction toward, I like a lot and that I've put on hold while I figure out my stuff. I am thankful toward him for being understanding and giving me space. I have a special place in my heart for him. And in four more months I will be able to investigate what his role in my life is. Right now I need to concentrate on me. And push that attraction and those thoughts away.
Swords
I wrote a song, here are the lyrics.
I dream of you, of you holdin' me.
I dream of you, of you savin' me.
But I know where that path leads,
it leads to a veiling.
The only path to healing,
is to accept the pain
and accept the fear
and I've never been here before
I feel totally alone, I feel totally afraid.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Perhaps in the future, we can be friends.
Perhaps we could be spiritual partners.
but for now I need to take
take care of my own self
I need to be whole
I need to heal
I need to be alone
It terrifies me.
I've avoided this for years,
I've veiled myself.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
I know it's misguided, my attachment to you.
I must be brave, I must have faith
Hold my head up high, go forward into my fear,
go forward into the darkness, go forward into the pain.
I'm afraid of drowning, I want to clutch at you
But all that might do is drown us both.
Baha'u'llah will be there
He is my guide
Baha'u'llah will hold me
He is my Love
I am a lover yearning for the Beloved
drown myself in the ocean of non-existence
and come out cloaked in the garment of divine essence
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Once this time passes
maybe I might consider you
But for now the Law states that
that way is barred.
I look forward to the growth
which will come from being obedient.
I will be re-created. I will be a shining star.
I will uplift the world. In Shallah.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Dost Thou wail, or shall I wail
rather shall I weep at the fewness of Thy champions.
I dream of you, of you holdin' me.
I dream of you, of you savin' me.
But I know where that path leads,
it leads to a veiling.
The only path to healing,
is to accept the pain
and accept the fear
and I've never been here before
I feel totally alone, I feel totally afraid.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Perhaps in the future, we can be friends.
Perhaps we could be spiritual partners.
but for now I need to take
take care of my own self
I need to be whole
I need to heal
I need to be alone
It terrifies me.
I've avoided this for years,
I've veiled myself.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
I know it's misguided, my attachment to you.
I must be brave, I must have faith
Hold my head up high, go forward into my fear,
go forward into the darkness, go forward into the pain.
I'm afraid of drowning, I want to clutch at you
But all that might do is drown us both.
Baha'u'llah will be there
He is my guide
Baha'u'llah will hold me
He is my Love
I am a lover yearning for the Beloved
drown myself in the ocean of non-existence
and come out cloaked in the garment of divine essence
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Once this time passes
maybe I might consider you
But for now the Law states that
that way is barred.
I look forward to the growth
which will come from being obedient.
I will be re-created. I will be a shining star.
I will uplift the world. In Shallah.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
When the swords flash go forward,
when the shafts fly press onward.
Dost Thou wail, or shall I wail
rather shall I weep at the fewness of Thy champions.
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